I know, it's a loaded question however i'll throw it up to hear your opinions and experiences...

Married almost 13 years, 2 kids - 8 and 3, wife wants a divorce since mid Feb '05. Done alot already as far as looking in the mirror at myself and addresssing my own faults and starting to acknowledge my own contributions to this thing. working very hard at personal growth and learning about relationships, marriage, etc. through any source I can, ebooks, printed books, marriage counselor, etc. Currently i'm going to the marriage counselor by myself. Trying to make deposits in the love bank but don't think i'm getting anywhere. I realize nohing i say or do will change her mind - it must come from her... I have even called her out out why she hasn't done anything yet. doing a "140" instead of 180 as i'm doing my own thing but not ingnoring her, trying to make our interaction the most pleasant it can be. still living at home - i don't feel much tension - b/c of children as i'm the primary care giver of them, her the breadwinner. We are both professionals, I have reduced my career as a chiropractor for her to do her thing as a lawyer. With 2 kids, somebody's gotta be around with them so I only practice part time and do the household thing as well.

QUESTION: She went off to a baseball game the other evening with a male individual form work that I suspect she may be emotionally attracted to (emotional needs thing) and did something Monday morning that I found unacceptable. I'm being firm but pleasant in my interactions. She crossed the boundary... My emotions say go ahead and file for divorce as I feel I'm being used but up until now I have a REAL clean conscious as I know I've done everything in my power. My logic and thought (which I make my decisions with) are in conflict! I don't know if I've given it long enough and don't want to regret this decision a few years down the road. It will ALTER my children's lives and probably scar them deeply. How long have many of you gone through this stuff before either filing, getting served, or working things out? I'm just looking for some other's expereinces.... THANK YOU

Well, I was in Plan A for about two years. Then, I did a modified Plan B for a while with help from Steve Harley. Modified in that I still had contact with my H even though I had moved out. H and I did the counseling thing twice more after I had left. Now after 2 years of being separated, I'm moving aggressively to get divorced. I'm kind of a "Long, drawn out" person. LOL.

Each relationship is unique. My timeline may not fit for you. The question is more ... Have you followed your plan? Has your plan worked? If not, what plan do you have? If you still want the marriage to work, would you consider Plan B instead of Plan D?

Next, while divorce will deep affect your children and cause them unhappiness, it doesn't necessarily mean that divorce is always the worst thing for the children. For example, when I was 18, I found out my father was having an affair. I went into serious denial. However, there are some scars that for years, my father would work late at the office so that he could play around during the day. He took time and resources away from us kids. My father missed my childhood because he'd rather sleep around.

In my own divorce, my children are adjusting well. The older one does not miss the verbal fights. When B. and I lived together, the girls were very confused about what was expected. B and I have very different life styles and values. Our whole approach to life is different. Having different rules in different homes is easier in some ways than having to sort it out with conflicting views in the same home.

One thing I would do, if you haven't already, better go and get the very best lawyer you can. If you can afford it, go see several different lawyers in different firms. They, then, won't be able to handle your wife's case. Waiting to get legal advice when your lawyer spouse may divorce you is playing Russian Roulette.

Welcome to marriagebuilders. I hope you will post and read on the General Questions forum. You are still very early in this, and in my opinion, should not even be thinking divorce yet.

Are there signs that your wife has been having an affair? It sounds like a possibility to me.

I think she may be amotionally involved with someone she used to work with. he has transferred out of state but still for the same company. i'm sure they talk at work throughout the day. he was back in town for Mem day wknd. Too many differences in age, etc. against the reality of such a relationship but that doesn't discount the fanatsy involved or the sharing of intimate thoughts. i think she likes the attention. i can account for her time so i know she's not getting jabbed... i'm sure she likes the fact that i don't like it. not sure if she really knows what she wants but am trying to keep interaction positive since this is a big decision especially for my kids. i'm sure he is meeting an emotional need that she won't allow me to meet b/c i haven't in the past.....

i've already read all the stuff talked about on theis board and am putting it to use. i know each situation is different but was wondering what a typical time frame was? i'd like some sex, intimacy, affection, etc. but don't want to go outside the marriage at this point for my own values and for the respect of my wife and children.....

The MB plan suggests staying in Plan A for about 6 months. It sounds like you are doing a good job at that.

As long as she has contact with the OM, she may not let you meet her emotional needs. Your best bet is to work on yourself, and start enjoying life. Hopefully she will see the changes in you and decide to work on the marriage.

It is too early for you to expect anything back from her. I know it's a real drag to go through this, but I hope you will try a little longer for the sake of your children. May folks get back together and have a much better marriage than before. I have seen situations that seem completely hopeless turn around - situations where the wife refused to even talk to the husband.

So hang in there for a bit longer. Also check out the General Questions board - it's much too early for the D board.

I still think you need to be prepared in case she beats you to the divorce office. She told you she wants a divorce, but appears to have done nothing. Normally, I'd say she's not sure. However, she's a LAWYER. She'd want to have all her ducks in a row before she filed anything, and by that point, it may be too late.

Dr.B, you need to protect against that more than you need to divorce. If you're at the end of your rope with Plan A, how about Plan B? Ask HER to leave, giving her the lovely letter telling her how much you love her and want to be married to her. Also, do you know if your state has legal separation?