Have any other WS found out that you had actually been a BS and didn't know it until after you filed for D?

Yes I am the WS, I know what I did wrong, I've tried to do all the right things to help heal my M but to no avail. I know why I did what I did, I also have learned from that mistake and can say that it will never happen ever again. Since filing for D I have learned that long before I was the WS I had been a BS and didn't know it. It's not rumor or hearsay, dates, times every thing matches up. I'm not about to confront my STBXH, at this point it matters little. I was just wondering if any other WS have found themselves in this position.

Dana,

You are right, it matters little now that he did it.

I know you tried to work on things after your affair and he didn't want any part of it.

I know nothing that happened while you were together is an excuse to have an affair but he was physical with you. It's good you don't have to put up with that anymore.

The only thing I wonder about here is why your STBXH is so closed to working on himself and the marriage after he did the same thing? Maybe it is his guilt that is responsible for the physical crap you put up with, maybe his guilt will not allow him to fix himself and the marriage.

I mean if you had known years ago what had happened...who knows? You could be living in a wonderful marriage now or at least have been divorced long before you had to go through what you are right now.

I'm not saying use that information as a weapon, but I wouldn't let him walk away without letting him know you have that little piece of info he failed to mention while you were together.

It doesn't make it better what the 2 of you did to each other, it doesn't "even" the playing field, it just makes the truth an important part of your future Dana. No more hiding, no more betrayal, no more deceit...start with a fresh slate and live that way from now on.

You'll get through this Dana, you are a good person that made a bad decision..thats all....you've learned and you don't want to live like that again.

Good For you....I'm rooting for you

RebornMan

Rebornman - thanks. Thank you for saying that I'm a good person that made a bad decision. I appreciate that and I needed to hear that.

Contrary to what some here on the board may think, WS do truly make bad decisions and some of us are truly sorry for what we did.

I have no idea why my STBXH holds me to higher standards than himself. No matter what's it been over the years, he's always got a way to justify his actions, however, if it's someone else that does what he's done, then they are dirt, no justification for them.

I had always suspected some of the things I've found out, didn't have the proof and the kids were younger and I just didn't have the energy to constantly battle him. I basically was expected to unconditionally forgive and forget, no matter what it was. He always knew that I'd forgive him. He always assumed that I'd always be there, that I'd never leave and I believe that he truly believed that no matter what he wanted to say to me, no matter how cruel, or if he just needed a reason to be in a bad mood, that I would take the crap and do nothing about it. I got tired of the crap, I'm not saying that at times I didn't deserve him to be angry at me, however, being angry and being abusive are two different things. I didn't deserve to be humiliated verbally, physically threatened and at times hit because he was mad about something. That's why I said enough.

I truly tried to work on our M after he found out about my A. I did all the things Dr. Hartley suggests, I did everything my H asked, except to move out. He was more adamant about working on this apart in the recent few months than he was about putting the same amount of effort into seeking C either together or individual. In March of 05 when he decided that he hated me, couldn't stand the sight of me, it hit me that he wasn't even considering working on this. He was trying his very best to get me to just give up and go away. He kept pushing for me to go, just move anywhere, he could have cared less and I refused to go. I moved into another bedroom, he stayed out later and later at night, no explanations, it was none of my business. Finally when he got so angry that I would not go, get out of his life is when he got physical with me for the last time. I got an Order of Protection and we are in the middle of a D right now. I do still have a part of me that loves him, that will always be there, however, since he's been out of the house, there is no yelling, no name calling, no walking on eggshells for fear to say the wrong thing. I have a peaceful existence. I don't want to stay in our house for ever, can't afford it. I'm following my attorney's advice and doing what he tells me. I wish my H would do the same.

I'm not dating anyone, don't want to right now, not sure how to even go about it. My H on the other hand is apparently involved with the very woman I suspected. May they find the happiness together that they couldn't find with their current spouses. I'm not mad, not bitter.

again, RM - thanks for the kind words, they were greatly appreciated!

Dana,

I've followed your story, and your discovery/recovery from the start.

Believe me when I tell you that you have had the courage, and the guts to stick it out and do what it takes to make things right.

For that you can be extremely proud of yourself no matter what circumstances brought you here.

For the things you suspect/discovered about your WH matter not in the long run because you were willing to do whatever it took to keep it all together. To do all the things a WS normally does to recover a marriage takes guts, fortitude and a deep sense of right and wrong, humility and the wisdom to know what this life takes to succeed.

When you discovered what your BH/WH did you still went on, suffered the emotional and physical abuse, persevered and decided that you would do anything in your power to make your marriage successful.

My personal opinion is this (mix that with $2 and you get a cup of coffee <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)....I don't know whether you found this without thinking or it just came naturally to you but here it is.....

Dana, you have taken this opportunity in your life to decide that the affair does not define who you are. Even with all the pain, hurt and chances you could have taken to wallow in self-pity and blame it all on someone else, you took the high-road. You took ownership of your mistakes and decided a better Dana would emerge from this mess.

I can't even tell you how proud I am of that decision.

I wish there were a way I could express in words what an amazing person you are.

Stay strong Dana, this will pass and what a good life you have to look forward too. You ever want to chat or need a helping hand or kind word, drop me a line senedal@excite.com

I'm cheering for you Dana....

RebornMan

Rebornman - I sent you an e-mail, but I wanted to publicly thank you for what you said. That means a great deal to me.

I'm not perfect or a saint, I did stay longer in an abusive relationship than I should have, but I thought it would get better. And true, it would have been alot easier to blame my A on my H and his actions/behaviors. HOwever, I was the one that chose to have the A, I have made no excuses for my poor choice, I've owned it and tried to make up for it.

I couldn't save this M, however, I have learned several lessons that I will take with me to the next (and hopefully the right and forever) relationship I enter into. I am a good person, and for too long I've felt that I didn't deserve to be happy and that no one would ever want me because of "what I did". My H wants everyone to know that I had an A on him and that he was hurt. Since D-Day, I've been open with the fact I had an A, I've publicly acknowledge that I hurt him deeply and that I was sorry. I don't know how broadcasting this to people that don't need to know helps, but I think he felt more of a victim when others felt sorry for him. Yes he was a victim, no denying that. However, once I went public (if you will) with my side of things, I was supposed to stop talking about the abuse because no one should know that stuff.

I'm not going to dwell on what he did to me or I to him. What's done is done and there is no way to go back and rewrite the past. Only moving forward and not repeating those things will help. I don't hate my H, there is still a part of me that loves him. We were not meant to be together.

I got carried away, I just wanted to thank Rebornman for the encouragement and the kind words. As a WS that means a great deal.

Thanks - hope to hear from you again soon!

Well Dana, You'll hear from me right now...;)

None of us are perfect...but we can all be perfectly forgiven.

I'm glad my simple words cheered you up a bit, we all deserve happiness whatever that looks like to us individually.

That includes you Dana.

I didn't get your mail and thought i'd let you know.

Stay Strong

RebornMan

Well Dana, I found out just a short while ago that I was not just a FWS, but apparently a BS as well.

I didn't find out that my now exH had indeed been physically cheating on me during our marriage until after our divorce, and after he'd been going to counselling and wanted to clear his conscience. For so long I firmly believed that he'd been having a couple of different EAs during our marriage, but I took the full blame for ending our marriage because I was the one who made the selfish decision to sleep with someone else.

Looking back, I wonder if he kept it to himself because me cheating on him and him being the victim put him in a position of power. There are some things you say about your ex that really could also describe mine very well:

1. "No matter what's it been over the years, he's always got a way to justify his actions..."
2. "I had always suspected some of the things I've found out, didn't have the proof..."
3. "I truly tried to work on our M after he found out about my A. I did all the things Dr. Harley suggests, I did everything my H asked, except to move out. He was more adamant about working on this apart...than he was about putting the same amount of effort into seeking C either together or individual....when he decided that he hated me, couldn't stand the sight of me, it hit me that he wasn't even considering working on this. He was trying his very best to get me to just give up and go away. He kept pushing for me to go, just move [out]...."
4. "My H wants everyone to know that I had an A on him and that he was hurt. Since D-Day, I've been open with the fact I had an A, I've publicly acknowledge that I hurt him deeply and that I was sorry...but I think he felt more of a victim when others felt sorry for him...."

My H was not physically abusive, but verbally he ripped me apart, he made me feel like I was a useless human being. He too wanted to be apart in order to "work on things", refused to go for counselling even though I was going, and he wanted 3 months no contact once he drove me out of the house (sometimes I wonder what life would be like if I'd stuck around for his poor treatment). I complied (moved out, ahd no contact with him for 3 months, and even stopped all contact with his family) because I thought if I didn't do as he asked, he would just leave me for one of his 2 female "friends". In reality, he spent that time with the female "friends"....and by the end of it, "chose" one to become romantically involved with. (Oddly enough, not the one he was in a PA with during our marriage, but the other female. So that's two OWs really.)

Oddly enough, his confession and my realization of what really went on in the latter couple years of our marriage wasn't all that surprising or upsetting. It was like it all somehow made a lot more sense. I felt a bit better about ever having been suspicious, rather than like I was crazy for thinking something was up. Like you, I had already taken full responsibility for the selfish choices on my part to cheat on my then H, and accepted that those choices were largely the reason our M ended. Somehow, this new info just helped me to make a bit better sense of things in my mind.

As far as my exH feeling like the victim, he LOVES being seen as a victim, he played (still plays) that role up like you wouldn't believe, it's all about poor him. Anyone else's suffering is nothing in comparison to his. He is almost unable to show compassion for the difficulties and losses of other people - he always goes back to pointing out HIS life is difficult.

I suppose I rambled a bit here, but I just wanted to say that my experience had some striking similarities to yours - right down to the fact that my exH ended up with the OW (the OW he was with while we were married but separated). However, she did dump him when she and I ended up emailing each other this past December and compared dates and realized he'd been seeing both of us for over a year during our separation.

I am glad to leave the drama that surrounded my exH behind. His need for admiration from women exceeded what I could provide, and his need to be the center of attention (the victim) is also something I couldn't deal with.

All things considered, knowing the truth, even at this late date, is helpful, it did relieve some of the guilt complex I was still carrying. I had tried to forgive myself so many times, but this last bit of info sort of helped me to finish that self-forgiveness. Although realistically, I still wish I'd chosen to deal with my frustration and loneliness within the marriage in a way other than I did!

I hope your realization that you were the BS helps to leave you more at peace.

Jen

Jen - thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in my thinking and feelings.

I am secure in my decision that I've made to move on with my life, not being a part of this relationship any more. I am also secure in the fact that I did try, I gave all that I had to owning my A, trying to do all the right things to heal the M and ultimately making the decision to end the M. I had to do what was right for me. I made a horrendous mistake, I admit that. However, my H, who had made the decision to stay and work on the M seemed (to me) to want me to pay for ever rather than work past this event. Now I truly understand why.

I'm neither mad nor bitter. I don't hate the man. There will always be a part of me that loves him. I hope that he finds happiness....maybe it will be with the W that he's with now, maybe someone else. I have no hate, no ill wishes for him. All I want is for him to be happy and move on with his life.

We need to get our D final and we both can move on.

Again, Jen, thank you for sharing your story with me.

Hi Dana,

Like you, I was a WS. I had an A during the early part of my separation from H. The A was over two years ago. But, still I can't get over with that sin that I have done. That is another issue that I have to deal with.

I decided to stay separated (for four years already) because of too much guilt over my A and physical abuse issue with H during the latter part of the marriage and even during separation when he heard about my A.

Last January, I just found out that there is an OW- two years before H & I separated, and still ongoing. They had two children already. The eldest was born while we're still together and the second one was born one year after our separation.

I had the chance to asked H about this during one of our meeting last March . He denied it at first. But, I have a copy of the birth certificate so he admitted it. As expected, he wasn't sorry for what he did. Instead he blamed me for what happened. That I took him for granted, etc, etc...

However, right there and then he was telling me that he is willing to leave the OW and their children should I decide to reconcile with him. But, I said no. Until now he is asking for reconciliation- in words I should say not in action. Anyway, other than the OW he still in contact with his ex-girlfriend prior to our marriage. Though, separated we are still legally married for 14 years already. And up to now he has regular contact with the ex-gf.

To answer your question, my answer is YES, I was actually a BS during the time that I been a WS and I didn't know it. Should I have known that then- maybe I have avoided falling into OM. Maybe I will still separate from H... or maybe we have solved our marital problem positively... not adding mistakes after the other. I don't know...

But, I believe everything happens for a reason. At least now he has biological son and daughter. I was not able to give him that. And I know how it feels to long for a child... we have an adopted daughter that lives with me. Those children are true blessings, though they came out at a not-so-right circumstances. Well, right now I can say that I am happy for them.

Take care,
living forward