I need help I had an affair it lasted three weeks before my H found directions to the other persons new address, we had sex twice in this time. When my H confronted me I did not deny anything I told him everything, he is now going thru all the emotions, but has decided to let me stay and we will work through this together. I need to know what I can do to help him thru this. I have no contact with the other person, deleted all email addresses and phone #'s I had for him and I told him not to call anymore. My H is driving by his house, sitting for hours outside the house he wants revenge. I need to get him past this before something terrible happens. Please any advice will help.

I'm sorry you have to be here, but I believe you can get some help in this forum.

1. Read, read, read. Read the basic concepts section off the front page of the site. It will help you understand some things you will need to know to start working on your Marriage.

2. Don't get even when he gets angry. Usually we get angry when people do such bad things to us. It is much easier to have him like you, and reconcile with you if you avoid anger in return. This may take a while.

3. After you get a basic knowledge, get the books Surving An Affair, and His needs, Her Needs and read them.

4. Ask specific questions after you have some background. We can't tell you if your marriage will survive, but we can help with some parts of your attempt to make it work. Remember that weekends, especially Holiday ones are slow, don't be alamred if you don't get quick responses to questions.

5. If there is any way at all, call the Harleys for phone counseling. They are good at what they do. If you don't believe you can do that, get local counseling for yourself, and H if he will go. It will help get to the bottom of why this happened and help to recover from it.

Here is a link to the story of one who came back. Perhaps it will help you too. In fact, you may want to let your H read it if you think it will help.

<a href="//www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=37;t=007743" target="_blank">SKM Cronicles - story of a WW coming back.</a>


Hope this helps some.

SS

My husband cheated on me a year ago. The pain is still intense even a year later. Maybe if you really try to understand how he feels it will help you to deal with him and help him better. The only thing though is I don't really think you can know how it feels unless you actually have been the victim. You can imagine but you can't really know. Whatever you do don't stop talking. Answer his questions. He will have a lot. Try to get him to go to counseling with you. Don't get angry at his questions. Take every opportunity to let him know how much you love him and how sorry you are. Let him know how much you appreciate him trying to work things out with you. If you don't do these things he will feel like you really don't care about what he's going through. Believe me, I know that from experience. Build up his self esteem. It's pretty low right now and will be for a while. Cry with him. Don't make him go through this alone just because you feel so guilty that you don't want to talk about it. Be patient. Very patient. Love him even though he may be unloveable at times. You shattered his heart into a million pieces. Don't make him put the pieces back together by himself. He can't do it. And he shouldn't have to. Take it one day and one step at a time. If you do these things he will lose the need to park outside his house and get revenge on him. He will become much more interested in being with you and working with you to make a good marriage. Good luck. Stephanie

I sorry you have to be here but at least you've found a place that can help.
Just to let you know, well you're not alone here and your H reactions ARE reasonably normal in the situation, though of course has the potential to cause more issues. I've been where you are & its not easy at all for anyone involved.

He is not likely to be ready to speak to you and accept too much of what you say right now, however you need to speak to him to ask he not seek revenge, you are not fighting to keep your M so he can go to jail .. that will cause heaps of problems.
Ask him to please stay away from the OM - tell him the OM is not worth a single drop of his sweat and certainly not a single moment of his freedom.
Perhaps a counsellor may be the best for this.
DO you think he will be willing to listen to someone like Steve Harley over the phone???
I feel it would be very helpful for him and you AND it may be a lot easier for him to accept some advise over the phone right now instead of face to face.

I think this is a very important thing right now before too much else.

Read all the subjects as advised already and get those books...very good.

Now do you think your H would come to this site?? My H did and it has helped immensely, both of us.
He got to understand what he should expect from me during this time and I got - eventually - to understand what I should give to him. It is still not easy by any means but we are getting there ..so can the both of you.

Start on this thing first DDA and then come back and we'll try to help as best we can.


You CAN do this.

AW

smoon,

Your advise to a WS is excellent. If they really want to fix their marriage you laid out what is required from the WS in one simple paragraph.
I don't know that it will help but I am going to share this with my WW.

DDA - you have to find a way to prevent your husband from seeking revenge. If you want your marriage you have to get him to understand why you are asking him not to do this -not out of concern for the OM, but out of concern for the future of your marriage. Like aussieswife said you can't fix things with him in a jail cell.

If you can get him past that part, start doing exactly what swoon recommended.

DDA,

For your H's wellbeing, as well as yours, tell him that you will do EVERYTHING, including calling the police to help him avoid making a foolish mistake against himself and you that could cost him his freedom and life if he were to serious hurt or kill the OM. Tell him that YOU CHOSE to remain married to him because he is by far the better man and lover, and that you do not want to lose him because of a piece of trash who is not worth going to prison for and you wished you had never got involved with in the first place. Tell him that the best revenge against the OM is for the two of you to strengthen the love you have for one another for THAT will show the OM once and for all that he had no chance to take you away from him, your H. Hopefully your H will reflect on these words and will accept their wisdom.

TMCM

PDA - Any updates?

Thank you all for your support and advice, I have followed just about all of it. I have read and read.

My H is now coming down from the rage and is still wanting a confrontation he is calling it closer but says he no longer wants to hurt the OM he just wants to be able to tell him to leave his wife alone. He has had my cell for 2 weeks now and access to my email account and sees that there has been absolutely no contact from him. He laughs and tells me that HE DUMPED YOU... I tell him that it wasnt that great anyways, and if I never see or hear for the OM again "we" will be better off. I have constantly reassured him that I am here with him for the long haul and that we can make it thru all this.
He is still as expected unsure asked me if I was staying out of convenience, I told him absolutely not that I am with himg cause I love him and can not see myself with out him.
He is asking why I did this. I really dont have an answer told him if I knew exactly why I would tell him.

I did tell him that part of the reason that makes since to me is that my self esteem has been low since we have not had sex only about once a month for the last 6 months. And then here was this 26 year old, good looking guy, (I am 32) and he wanted me and we clicked in so many ways. I know this is not an excuse yet he made me feel things that I had not in a long time.
But now with both my H and I working so hard to get past this, we are building a wonderful realtionship, taking the time out of our day to spend with each other, and telling each other everything from how our day was to how we are feeling.

I know I am on a long road, and I am the cause of all that is effecting us now. We have our ups and downs. But we will get through this.

Thank you all for being here. I will keep in touch maybe have to write on my down days, and up days. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />