and what about that JERRY ??? HUH !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I nearly blew Pepsi outta my nose with a *snort* when I read Jerry's passionate heart-felt debate ... about nothing being discussed here! Jerry's a man (maybe a woman methinks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) on a mission, that's for sure. (s) He's gonna sing that song when the band ain't even warming up the music ~LOL Jerry ... so funnee. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mel

Withya all the way there gal. I get teased out by inveterate whiners sometimes too....frustrating when you KNOW people move to a better personal place and perhaps MARITAL place when they get a grip.

* sigh *

Keep it up Mel !

This past Wednesday night I was out with one of my friends celebrating her 40th birthday. There were 7 of us girls. I didn't know some of the ladies. About midway through our dinner a man came over and spoke with one of the ladies that I had just met night. I didn't pay much attention. I had my back to him and his dinner companion.

Not long before we left she was talking quietly with 2 of the ladies that she knew well. She later explained to everyone that the man was her neighbor and the lady he was dining with was not his wife. She said that she and his wife were somewhat friends. They were neighbors and getting to know each other better. Her neighbor (the wife) had just told her earlier this week that her husband was out of town for work this week. Yuck!!!

The place we were at was a quaint out of the way place. A little Italian restaurant with a paino bar. Nowhere close to where she lived.

She was like, what do I say to my friend?

I was about to come unglued. I felt sick and could feel all my blood sink to my feet. I wanted to stand up and scream. "Tell her, let's call her right now". Her friends said, You have to tell her. Perhaps it's legit (yeah, right). Just tell her that you were out with friends and ran into her husband having dinner.

I was able to talk to her briefly as we left and explained that I wish someone had had the guts to tell me. If someone had told me earlier what was going on, I wouldn't have had to live through quite as much crap.

I'll bet that guy was messing his shorts. I wonder what "story" he was devising to explain to his wife.

It ruined my night.

MK

Thanks, Bob. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

MK, sounds like you were with a great group of women. It's reassuring to know they cared enough to recommend she tell the wife. And I hope she follows through!

If you suspect someone doesn't really want to save their marriage, call them on it. It could be a helpful wake up call for them, or the beginning of a wake up call.

The BS might learn something very interesting about themselves if you confront them on the subject.

I know you can't help everyone, but my 1st MC was very passive agressive. She wanted to help us come to our own conclusions and failed to make powerful statements that would've provided impetus for change.

krusht,
I just caught up with messages here on this board and I've got to say that this was really a sword through my heart;
Someone (Shinethrough) said that "some folks might not want to know their spouse was laying naked with an OP and having huge Os and exchanging all kinds of bodily fluids." (I may be para-phrasing here)

Those people who would not want to know are so weak, pale and timid that they are invisible. And might be worse than their WS! They have no passion or feelings whatever...maybe that is why their WS is elsewhere.
I cannot imagine a more painful and revengeful statment and judgement like this in my entire life. If this is directed at me, I can only tell you, that you don't know anything
abut me or how I feel.
I don't disresepct you, but feel free, ask MEL and PEP, they're still having a party over my last post. You might as well join them.
All Blessings,
Jerry

Jerry?

Sorry MEL,
It's gone too far. NO, I've gone too far.
MY BLESSIINS,
JERRY

Jerry

are you OK?

your sense of humor might come in real handy about now....

you made a silly gaff
and you spoke passionately about something completely out of context of what was being discussed... and it was funny to me Jerry ... because it was as if we were back on the other thread about anger at OP instead of WS ... It seemed you had made a wrong turn and thought you were on a different thread....

Jerry, lighten up .... you're a good man .... but just lighten up .... take a try at teasing us ... com'on Jerry ... have some fun here... would do you some good

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yep, I did,
I'll have more thoughts about that in the future, thats's for sure.
I really don't know what I was thinking at the time, but realise, it must have been faulty. Just like the rest of my thinking for the past 3 years. I find myself awaiting the next revalation every day.
My path is not clear and I don't know where I am. I feel like Dorathy in OZ.
Jerry

I was too "proud" to snoop. I trusted my H 100%. Even though his behavior, his treatment of me, OW's behavior, my gut feelings were telling me otherwise. I chose to deny it. I chose to believe WH's lies. I couldn't believe that they could sit at my table and let me wait on them, that she would accept all the help I offered with her children, if they were really having an affair. I thought I was going crazy, changing from a positive energetic woman to a depressed paranoid one. I reacted to WH's behavior and treatment of me with angry outbursts and disrespectful judgments.

Would of, could of, should of, huh? If only I had read Surviving an Affair earlier, discovered this website earlier, I could have saved myself and my children such a long drawn-out period of suffering. I could have done just two big LBs --- snooping and disclosure --- instead of subjecting WH to a long drawn-out series of AOs and DRs. There is so much damage to repair now.

Better late than never. At least I am on my way to personal recovery now. I'm back to being a great mom and work is going much better as well --- I am independently employed, so have to self-motivate.

For me, it was actually a relief once WH finally admitted to the A. Then I finally had the information I needed and could take necessary and responsible action.

So yes, despite suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder,I'm going to be ok. Thanks to all the help I am getting from you guys, I'm learning to be whole again.

What about WH? He once was genuinely an honest, caring person of integrity. One day he is going to wake up from his fog and realize that he has comprimised all of his values and caused those who loved and trusted him most incredible damage for the sake of an illusion. He's going to have to live with that for the rest of his life.

Having to live with the fact that I didn't snoop --- or snooped too late -- or snooped at all is a heck of a lot easier to live with than committing adultry.

Well Jerry, keep posting here. Now you got me thinking you wear 'red shooooz'. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Ok Mel, you know this board contains all types of ideas here. Free country, right to post sorta thingy. But time will tell if those who feel they need to preserve the 'right to privacy' by shielding an A from facing the music, will really find peace. Most like not. In fact they will eventually lose things even more dear to their heart (like a clean conscience). Every time I think of the children who are suffering along with the BS, then theres other relatives, parents, grandparents, siblings, neighbors, co-workers, strangers like us here @ MB, etc.......and it just makes my blood boil.

Both H & I are in a similar delimea at work. The A or EA is in such full swing, I am looking to relocate quickly. The A turns my stomach. The boss doesn't even care about his clients and tells me only his 'most important employee' is who he will keep and the implied thought was that it was at all cost. Well, I may like to work with clients but I can't put up with the A. Exposing to his W will happen, she travels for her work and we don't see her much. It's not like you can walk up to her and say 'Hi Mrs. Boss' W, your H is having an EA with OW, were you aware?'

It w/b hard t/d but necessary, for my sake at the very least.

Nothing calms a heart down like the truth, once the shock passes over.

take care,
L.

Melody LN:

Coming to this late, but am here nonetheless.

Here is my quandary as of late.

I didn't snoop until I had too.
(Found a Teddy in her "work" bag, gave her an opportunity to come clean; she instead Bold faced Lied ....and I was off and running trying to catch her).

In the end, The Tool I used to ultimately catch my W was a Home semen detection kit.

However, Here is my problem / question.

Everytime its even " Mentioned " in a thread that this is the tool I used to catch my W in her adulterous behavior, there IS almost Always a backlash of emotion and outrage from the Good posters here.
[Towards ME!]

For instance: Its been called Sick, Disgusting and referred to as the "lowest point a poster has seen" ....just to name a few comments. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

THIS Reaction has always baffled Me!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Similar to your initial question,
Once I mention this fact, it always seems like its me that comes Under Attack (for simply using any means necessary to catch a very devious cheating W).
They've made it seem like "I" was the ONE who did something WRONG!
What's up with that?

So if anyone can answer, [color:"blue"] why the outrage and negative reaction to these kits????
[/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

IMO This device is simply another tool to catch a cheater.
Just like a keystroke logger, any type of recording device or even a PI themself.

Best part is it works, it is the next best thing to having an actual video (as it takes ANY and ALL doubt as to whether or NOT this is a PA).
NO Double talking your way out of this one!

So again, Why the Problem with catching a cheater using a home detection kit?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

At first glance, is it kind of "icky" and distasteful?
Absolutely!
Think I wanted to find the CLB's leftovers on my W's panties?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
Hardly!

But its NO where Near as Bad as my W coming home & having sex with me, AFTER having screwed her CLB just hours before!
[and yes this happened MORE than once] Blaaaah!

Just kind of tired of being thrown under the bus just cause I was forced to do what NO Spouse should ever HAVE to do.

Its like; how did I somehow become the Bad Guy for catching her? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
sheeeesh

***************
CLB = Creepy Little [censored]

TR

I discovered Squids affair in a similarly disgusting but less scientific manner.

IMO you do what you have to do to find the truth.

Amen, Bob!

losttranslation, you gave my thoughts exactly. I was once too proud too snoop, but I am even WAY TO PROUD to sit around while someone destroys me behind my back! And frankly, I don't know why I was too proud. Sure, it is sleazy to snoop in someone's medicine cabinet, but that is a far cry from snooping on someone who is having an affair. But, I think most folks, including me, painted all snooping with that "sleazy" paint brush, without ever thinking about those very legitimate differences.

toprope, I am puzzled along with ya! A semen detection kit is in the same category as anything else. I can't imagine why it would be viewed differently and agree with you that it is a useful tool. Too bad you have had to endure being painted as the bad guy for suggesting it. But don't feel alone, I have been painted as the bad guy or seen other BS's accused of being "untrustworthy" for some warranted snooping. Go figure out that logic!

Orchid, I am sorry to hear you are in this situation at work. I know how tough it can be in real life, especially when you are a bystander. It makes it hard that it is your boss.

Well said about all of this crap! I've said this a zillion times... Some folks don't understand that

"YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO"......

I don't recall being offended by what you had t/d.

If that is what you had t/d, then it is better you did it for your sake right?

Not sure if I understand this properly. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

L.

Hi Orchid:

I'm not even sure myself what I was referring to by this post! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

The A

Here's the one I don't understand. I don't recall every downing TopRope for using his skills or tools to find proof of the A.

I think that if he did use this 'tool' and it helped him get the proof he needed, then as long as it is legal.....that's ok. Funny how the BS has to play by higher standards than the WS and OP, ya know? Right off the bat that should tell you something. LOL!!! The WS and OP's standards are waaay below that of the BS and family.

JMHO,
L.