Hi All,
It's been a few weeks since I last posted, I had been posting in Just Found Out. Things have been going about the same I guess, haven't really had time to sit and cry anymore. Just after dday we bought a new home, thinking (and hoping) a new home would give us a fresh start at a "new" life, and something else to focus on other than the A. Now that we are moving in I'm scared I've made a mistake, that I should of just stayed in the house I could afford on my own if M doesn't work.
I still don't have any feelings for my FWH. He tells me he loves me but I can't say it back. What if I never feel anything for him again, as it is now I put on a happy face and put on an Oscar winning preformance when I'm around our families.
I know its only been about 10 wks since dday, but I'm scared I'll never feel love for this man again. Am I just getting overwelmed with everything and thats what making me so scared?
Is my heart so destroyed by him that its just shut down for a little while? Has anyone been so torn up that they can't feel a little something for their ws? (besides disgust)have the feelings ever really returned? Any words of wisdom or thoughts would help so much right now.

The killer of marriage is indifference

I don't think you are there....

I see you as being very guarded

yes?

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Disgust and revulsion would aptly describe my feelings for my WS for several months after D-Day. I thought of him as a "low man" for whom I had "settled."

But, you know what happened? That "low man" showed me that he wasn't truly a low man, but a man of character and strength who was man enough to face the consequences of his shabby behavior and do whatever it took to right that wrong. A truly low man would run, he wouldn't stay and endure my angry tirades and do everything to repair the damage he caused.

Today, I deeply respect my H, GP. Much more than I did before D-Day. He showed me what he is really made of and he is a good man who was man enough to face the consequences. He has shown me that he is trustworthy and can be trusted. I respect that. And because I can respect him, I fell back in love with him.

So hang tough, GP. I know you have alot of anger. But give him a chance and just know that it won't always be like this. As long as he is willing to try, it wouldn't hurt to give him a chance.

I would also add that I used my "revulsion" and "disgust" to cover my very deep HURT and OUTRAGE that he could do this "to me." I was devastated and feeling "disgust" somehow aided my deeply wounded pride. I think the blow to my PRIDE was the greatest wound.

Mel,
I think I'm past the "how could he do this to me" part, his A wasn't about me, I learned that from all you caring, wonderful people at MB.
All I think of is how could he do this to us. Us (and the love I had for WS) has been my entire world for all these years. Now that world doesn't exsist anymore. I think I'm afraid of what this new world will be like.
We are going to MC faithfully every week, with no hesitation on his part, thats a good thing I know, but, theres always a but, I'm afraid this is only for the mean time, the his A** is on the line time, then in 6 months or so, when his anger at me starts coming out, I've read that it might, then H will be back to his old self.
I have expressed that concern to him. He says he's in it for the long haul, I know at this time I can't believe him, guess we'll see in 6 or so months. Just hoping I can stick this out that long.
He knows under no uncertain terms that I am not cutting him any slack. Now today H told me that now he has to travel again next week, this will be the first time he has had to go anywhere overnight since dday. Talk about anxiety attack, I'm freaking out (at least he's not going to OW state, close enough though) but, she has came to him in the past. Assurances from WS are kinda worthless. How do I get thought this business trip? Unfortunately I can't go with him.

How did he communicate in his affair? On a computer? Does he take a laptop?

He used his computer, his treo(cellphone),on his office phone here in our house (part of the reason I wanted to leave this home since it now gives me an anxiety attack everytime I go near that room) also his main office phone in company HQ in another state. Found out recently that after dday (when NC message was sent) he even went to a payphone, said it was just to leave a message for her to leave him alone bc he wanted to work on his M.
Thats whats freaking me out so much. H has said over and over that I'll know where he's at, at all times and I can call and he will call, well that sounds all good, but when he was driving to have his 1st PA he was talking to me telling me he loved me, and he was so tired from meetings all day that he was just going back to his hotel, is that a slap in the face or what? That happened the next 2 days also.
That's all I can think about, I can't go on this trip if I could I would, I can't be everywhere with him. H knows there is no second chances in this M, he's lucky he's getting one.

Stop freaking out.

You are right, you cannot be everywhere with him for the rest of your lives.

Your power over your recovery is not in controlling him but in controlling yourself.

Recovery has a rhythm. Anxiousness is a part of the rhythm. Anxiousness occurs when you feel powerless. And you focus on things over which you are powerless and the anxiety rises .... and it's a cycle.

Re-focus. This is your tool right now. Learn to control your focus. The more you attempt to do this the better you'll become at re-focusing.

When he is gone on his trip, do some very fun, very special things for yourself. Pamper your body. Indulge your senses. Exercise your creativity. Discover new things about yourself that you like.

This is not just a matter of distraction by the way. New exciting activities will engage different areas of your cerebral cortex and these areas of your brain will become easier and easier for you to 'turn on' at will.

During his absence, make it your business to discover something new that you are good at, or could be good at, or excites and challenges you.

Recovery of your marriage is not the only tast of recovery. Recovery of 'the self' is actually the bigger task. Your confidence in yourself is lacking. Build it. Put your mind to it and build it. You're gonna need confidence no matter what happends ... so place your focus on building confidence and exploring areas of your 'self' during your husband's trip.

When he calls you during his trip to check up ... instead of being a weepy neurotic mess .... you will have something interesting to tell him about what you did that day, what new thing you tried, maybe something exciting, maybe something fun .... who knows? The conversation will attract your husband back into looking deeply into who his wife is .... when you gain confidence and have something to share about yourself that he did not know.

Peak his interest into just what exactly you are doing when left to your own devices.

Peak his interest into the excitement in your voice.

Do not become desperate. I think the betrayed spouse becomes lost to the self after D-day. Do not be lost to yourself. I think the betrayed loses confidence of the self. Renew your self confidence.

And do this even if you don't feel like it. Do it despite fears or moods or feelings. It's like a job assignment. Go for it as if you were being paid big money to explore your 'self.

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Pep,
Fortunately we are in the process of moving into a new home that needs lots of organizing and landscape work (cant wait to get my new flower beds in <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />) Unfortunately no time for pampering, not unless dirt under the fingernails counts.
My confidence has never lacked, not even with this, I know thats probably hard to believe. Iam a cancer survivor 8yrs now, it didn't destroy me and this wont either. I can admit that I do have a slight hang up about how I look due to the disfigurement that I was left with. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
During this whole mess I have never been a weepy neurotic mess in front of him,(just plain old crying) I've done that privately, I refuse to let him see that. That's just me.
yuk a job assignment, I've been retired for 2 yrs, never thought I'd have to work again! But since you sent me on a mission, I will do as the one with the wisdom says <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Hi GP,
I wanted to jump in here. I just found out a little over 2 weeks ago about the PA, but found out about the internet EA in early Nov. His A happened on lunch breaks and days off of work. He still works there, yet states she does not work near him anymore. We chatted on the phone 2-3 times a day and the A was still happening right under my nose.
Reading your posts are like a look into myself. I have posted on the just found out site a few times. I feel for you. The refusing to let him see me cry, the anxiety, the fear of the unknown, the fear that life will not be normal again, I will not be enough for him. I even started with staying for the kids. We have 4 teenagers together. I am his 3rd wife and he is my first. I am trying to bury the feelings that overwhelm me and put on the same Oscar Winning act that all is well in my own home! I feel I must do this for the kids, who know nothing at this point.
I also know I will get through this, I have not had cancer per say, but alot of physical and sexual abuse as a child that I have survived from. The hard part is the not knowing. The fear that he may stray again, it is hard not to try to control him. Trust is gone, and it took so long to give it to him in the beginning.
I am not ready to offer much advice, just support in knowing that you are not alone in your pain. I think that is the part that helps me to get up everyday. I truely do feel for you and am looking at Peps advice and wondering if I am strong enough for that yet. It is hard to do things for yourself when you do not even know how to feel anymore, what you need or want.
Hang in there and best wishes for you. I will continue to read your posts for words of wisdom also.....
Tammy

cancer survivors are amazingly inspirational people

I *salute* YOU

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Hi JE,
To hell with the movie stars the BS derserves all the awards they handout. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I also feel like I'm only staying and trying to work this out for our son, my daughter knows everything (WS has been with her since she was 4) She is now grown, on her own and going to be a mother herself, oh god I'm going to be a grandmother at 40 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />
You are a survivor, it doesn't matter from what, just keep in mind that you survived and you will survive again.
Remember what they say, what doesn't kill us makes us stronger, well I feel like Hercules, what about you?
I realize that the only one I can control is myself, Iam giving H enough rope to hang himself, if H chooses to take another dip with anyone other than me, then the performance is over, curtain falls and I'm exiting stage right!
I totally understand about the trust being gone, H had my complete trust, never a question in my mind about him, I learned what a complete fool I was.
Everyone who knows H and his A, are completely dumbfounded by it, many had said "he could be stranded in a snowstorm with a woman, sleeping in the same bed and nothing would happen. Thats how perfectly trustworthy he seemed to all (even my ex MIL, who wouldn't say that about her own son).
Many people here have given me things to ponder, sometimes it seems impossible, but they were there first and if it worked for them its worth a try, at this point we have nothing else to loose.
You hang in there too, we can make it though this. Look at it this way we have survived worse. And do we even know what a normal life is? Mine has always been a little left of center. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
I'll be checking for updates on you.
BTW I found that if you find one thing to laugh at a day, no matter how stupid, helps. I've even found myself making fun of the barnyard animal he choose to sleep with. (she wasn't always that, I used to have a much more explict word, they would kick me off if I used it). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thank you GP,
I fortunately have never set eyes on the OW. I am a very calm and laid back person until cornered. I also own a firearm and keep it with me most of the time. I am a nurse and took a solid oath to protect and nurture. But if faced with her, I would have to run the other way. She knew what she was doing also. He posted on pornsite looking for a discreet relationship and stated he was married. Her husband had left her 1 month before she started with mine. He left with his secretary!!!
I am a survivor of lifes cruel world. It just hurts a heck of a lot more now.
I like the baryard animal...lol...You have made me laugh for the first time today and it does feel great.
H agrees to stay here for the 4 kids also. He wants so much more from me and I cannot offer him anything right now. I have a 4 year sentence to honor, then all is up to him and his ability to be a better man. I do not have much hope. Each time his relationships waiver, he had divorced. The kids do suffer from this so I am willing to do this for them and not him right now.
You keep up the spirits and laughs. What does a 90 year old woman have between her b**bs that a 20 year old does not? A bellybutton!! LOL. 16 yo son told me that one 2 days ago. Thought I would share it with you...
Tammy

Thanks for the smile! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> My WS is lucky I don't own a firearm, I had to pack away the BIG KNIVES, I was having that Zorro feeling everytime I looked at him.

I haven't seen the OW either,though I would like to, that just my morbid curiosity. Actually I like to come face to face just so I could bit*h smack her. All he ever said was she was a little thick around the [censored], HA! I've stayed within 5lbs of dating weight(even after gaining 55lbs with his son).
What hurt me the most was when he said how pretty her hair was, that was the knife to me,(my achilles heel) my cancer was on my head, so I lost alot of my scalp, and the hair that was attached to it.
After I told him how much that hurt, then all of a sudden I was beautiful, he hasn't said that to me in the last 8yrs, now that his [censored] is on the line I'm beautiful, wonderful and he's sorry he took me for granted.
Gee those words mean so much now, it feels more like a sharp stick in the eye.
My WS acts sooo remorseful, says all the right things, to all the right people, but still continues to lie to me, he even post here. Says he'll do anything to keep me, quess he should of thought about that before he went to the petting zoo.
What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.
Hope I didn't offend anyone with that, I am a true blonde <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

That was a good one GP!!! I am a true blonde also, so no offense taken by me either....
I am 34 and WS is 52, his OW is 53. He states they had alot of memories and activities in common. Could chat about when Kennedy died, Elvis died, etc. He loves golf and I hate it. They played once together. It makes me laugh, I am not gorgeous but having a 34 year old vs a 53?? She even smokes and he hates smoke. Go figure.
She has called me numerous times confessing her love of him. I told her she could have him on a silver platter if she liked. He did not care for that. Oh well, her loss is my....???... cant even think of what~!lol
He has not seen her since late Oct beginning Nov. Right before she called all ticked off that he refused to see her anymore. I told her again, she could have him, she told me about the whole internet porn stuff. I even checked it out, paid 20 bucks to join for one month...YUCK...and emailed him from that site with my new screen name. I did not tell him I knew about it or confront him then...I waited for him to get the email on the adultfriendfinders.com. The very next day the personal profile was gone, canceled. I even waited for him to get home from work and waited for him to start the conversation...That was pure pleasure for me, his torment. (I think of that often when I am ticked at him)
He says and does all the right things too and it sickens me to the bone. I want to yell LIAR LIAR!!!
Sorry about the cancer and looks issues. He is obviously not real smart either...sorry to all the WS....not nice....
Well hope your Sunday goes well.
Chat with you soon.
Tammy

Oh boy this past weekend went to hell in a handbasket.
My WS b-day was this past Friday and I planned to doing something "nice" for him, a surprise dinner with the motley crew (that what I call my family) well H was surprised (hates surprises) but appreciated it.
All went good during dinner, it was after that I had a meltdown. That lasted all weekend.
Thought I was doing good, but the trigger hit me like a brick, H spent my b-day talking with OW, while he was planning something for me.
Important days in my life are f*&k up forever, thanksgiving, christmas, new years, b-days, valentines day, also the anniversay of our first date.
Those were all my favorite days, I am the "family cruise director" I put together all the parties. Maybe this will finally be my excuse on getting out of them.
How in the hell am I suppose to handle these events without the meltdowns and blowing up at him? I feel he deserves more than the verbal tongue lashing that he got, but thats besides the point.
To go from bad to worse, H had to go out of town this week. Could the meltdown been a combination of those two things?
I feel so f&%king crazy, maybe it just PMS, men are quick to blame our moods on that, hey can I push him down the stairs over and over and say PMS made me do it? LOL