I've read all the books, talked with family and friends, prayed, talked to myself, you name it I've done it and I think sometimes the pain will never go away. Me and My husband were married for almost 22 years when he began getting on the internet and chatting with women, meeting them and finally ended up in bed with one of them. Came home to me and had no intentions of telling me. I had to pry it out of him. He was very remorseful and sorry but other than just being remorseful has done very little to improve our relationship. He wasn't meeting my needs either and still is'nt. That's what hurts so bad. I was just as miserable as him but I chose to pray for our relationship and he chose to tear it apart by having senseless affairs. I feel like I was punished for my good behavior and he was rewarded for bad behavior. He got to do his thing and get it out of his system for whatever reason he had and then come back to a wife that had still only been with him. We were married young and both of us had only been with each other. When he came home I got leftovers. I was robbed. He doesn't understand why I feel that way but I do. The whole thing only lasted a month but it was with numerous woman. He only had sex with one of them but just knowing that he was with other woman hurts also. I guess I could go on and on but I just want to know how long it takes to really start feeling good about things again. Do you ever regain what you lost? Can you ever feel the same way towards your spouse? Some people say it's the best thing that ever happened to their marriage. It makes me ill to imagine someone thinking that. How could something that is so painful and should have never happened in the first place possibly be the best thing that ever happened to your marriage? My husband just says I want to stay in the past. It's not that I want to stay in the past it's just that the past still hurts like nothing has ever hurt me. I need some words of encouragement from people who have recovered and are doing well. What did you do to make things good again. I feel like what I've lost is gone forever and that is very sad <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. I cry frequently. More in the past year than I have ever cried in my entire life. I'm just so sad. Stephanie

Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a great place to be under the circumstances. Keep reading here, and see how a great marriage is supposed to be. How was the marriage before he cheated?

coming up on a year and the pain is nearly as intense as d day...

Well, I admit the marriage had not been very good for a long time. But in my opinion it was still very salvagable. Communication was never good. He was able to communcate with me but as soon as I would start talking to him and letting him know what bothered me he would cut me off. So I just learned to be quiet. A big mistake. I should have never backed down. If he would have only come to me and asked me to go to counseling with him I would have jumped immediately at the chance. I didn't want out of the marriage. I just wanted it to be good and would have done anything to make it good for us. I always thought of him as a very smart guy who really had his head on straight and would have never dreamed he would be capable of doing such a thing. Especially ending up in bed with someone he had just met. That just wasn't him. So I thought. Now I feel so disillusioned. I feel like I don't know who he is at all or what else he may be capable of. I know I'm being harsh on him and maybe a little self righteous. I don't mean to be. I just can't believe he hurt me this way. I feel discusted towards him now. Especially when I picture him and her together. I get turned off sometimes. If people only would think before they do these things. It causes so many problems and so much hurt. It's depressing when you feel like things may never feel good again. To be with one person for so long and have everything torn apart so quickly and so senselessly is heart wrenching to say the least. I feel like I'm just feeling sorry for myself and just need to snap out of it but it's not that easy. I wish it were. I just want to understand how a person can go so stupid. Stephanie

Stephanie -

Well, this is exactly how these things go. The WS is capable of giving up a long marriage, and sometimes even their family for someone they hardly know. It is amazing, but they are all the same. They just are living in fantasy-land.

All of this is very painful for the BS. I suggest you let your husband know that you want to go to counseling with him. The trouble is, WS's don't have a clue how deep the hurt is.

You can say that again about how they have no clue how deep the hurt is. I think if he did he would be initiating a lot more things to help us recover. I think he should be the one finding us a marriage couselor and finding out what he can do to help make things better. Instead he ripped through my heart like a big tornado and then expects me to pick up all the pieces and put them back together again all by myself. The person who had the affair just wants to sweep it under the rug and pretend like it never happened. He has even said that to me. "Why can't we just pretend like everything's okay". Talk about fantasy land. Well, anyway I know things eventually have to get better for me. The only way to go is up from here. Thanks for the input. Stephanie

Steph - Would he consider reading here? I think a lot of times the WS just doesn't "get it". I think it is a huge mistake to just sweep all of this under the rug and forget it. You would continue to be resentful. And as the Harley's say, the most dangerous thing to the marriage is the betrayed spouse.