Sprint officially asked me today for a seperation. Told me he has observed his own behavior over the past 6 weeks, and feels guilty, and knows he is no good to anyone, so in everyone's best interest, has filed for seperation.

I wont go into details, but I am getting everything in order, and going to stay with my parents on Monday.

Since I had stopped coming here as he wasn't comfortable, I felt given today's circumstances, it was okay to come here.

I have asked him not to come home until Monday...he was angry with my request as he said it is his home too, and all i do is make him feel uncomfortable.

This seperation is not my doing, or my choice. I will do it as amicabaly as possible for my children's sake.

Anyways - wanted to give you all updates.


-dorry

(((((((DS)))))))

I just logged on for a moment and saw this.
I am so sad for you. Please keep strong. Its great that you are going to stay with family. Hopefully they will take good care of you. Are the kids coming with you?

Do you have an IC you can talk to? Are you looking after yourself?

everyone's best interest,

Bullsh*t.

If Sprint wanted space he could work away for a while or something. Filing for seperation when you have kids and without a definite 'purpose' is bull.

What's he going to tell your kids ?

Makes me angry.

I GUARANTEE he'll have a PA within weeks. All the spoor is there.

I am sorry DS. I thought sprint had more sand than this.

{{{{{{DS}}}}}}

I'm so sorry to hear this Dorry [[[[[Dorry]]]]]

Bobs probably right, he thinks hes entitled to do what he wants.........needs a 4x2 repeatedly.

make sure kids with you, stay with family until sorted out for support etc.

oooh I'd like to give him a swift kick in the rear <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Hey DS



Please don't take this to heart. Bob is angry with Sprint (and I am too).

You need to focus on you. Remember to keep working on you, caring for yourself and becoming a better person, no matter what he does. Your kids need you to be the best DS you can be, and they need you at the moment more than ever.

I am so sorry Dorry!

Keep on Fighting the Good Fight. You are trying your best and that is what will matter in the long run.

{{{{{{Dorry}}}}}}

jls

email me ANYTIME, I check my mail every day or two (2 if i work) pleezmeu2@aol.com

Stay well for your kids, Dor

thanks guys.

I truly believe this decision of his is as bad as my decision to have an affair.

I am devestated, I don't think he will even know the pain it causes, as I will never know the pain he felt being betrayed.

i want to look at the last 6 months as a waste of time, but I can't because I have grown so much as a person in that time, and made so many good changes to who I am and who I want to be.

Sprint is running, and his family encourages him to do so. I grew up a child of divorce. He knows nothing of divorce with children - none of it in his family.

he has NO idea how much harder this road will be for him, than the road of recovery...it is not easier.

The same was I wasn't thinking when I had my affair (even though I thought long and hard) he is not thinking clearly now (even though he thought long and hard)

I am going back home to my family where I have love and support. I moved away from them 5 years ago for my husbands career - I am going home.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DS, sorry, my post was over the top. I won't edit though so the subsequent thread makes sense.

I am angry at Sprint.

All blessings DS

Dorry,

I am so terribly sorry that you are hurting. I am sad to see the end of any marriage.

Please keep in mind that it's not over until it's over. Have you asked him what you can do to aid his healing? Not necessarily in an attempt to continue reconciliation, but an attempt to help him heal from the damage your A caused?


To others here...

Every BS has the right to decide what they are capable of doing with regards to recovery. If they believe it is something they truly cannot do...is it not fair of them to let their FWS know that, as opposed to stringing them along?
Sprint has a right to make that choice. I, too, will be sad to see their marriage end if that is what happens. But there are some pretty big DJ's going on here...


From Bob:


How do you propose to know what his 'purpose' or lack thereof, is? IMO, having an A with a selfish purpose when you have kids is what is bull. Every WS who chooses this course knows that this is a risk they are taking.



Another DJ, here, Bob. Do you know Sprint personally? Even if you do, how is it that you are able to predict the future?

From others:



Why isn't he entitled to do what he wants? Why is the focus of the decline of the marriage being placed on Sprint for making a decision on his personal boundaries and not on the A, itself? Sprint did not destroy his marriage. The A destroyed his marriage, and it is truly a shame. I don't believe any BS deserves a 2x4 for being honest about what they feel they are capable of and what their boundaries are. That is their decision to make.




Dorry, I am sorry you are feeling pain. I like you very much and I am sorry you are going through this. But Sprint is not causing this pain. Your decision to have an A caused this pain - his, yours, and your children's.


And he may find that it isn't easier. He may also find that it is - for him. Not everyone chooses recovery. If he doesn't believe it's the path for him, he has every right to make that decision just as any BS does. I doubt this was an easy decision for him to arrive at.

I will continue to pray that this marriage can be saved, and hope that my words reach Dorry in the gentle but honest manner that they are intended. But let's please not make a BS responsible for the damage an A has caused.

Froz I already apologised to DS for my overreaction. Your points are valid.

Except this one
But let's please not make a BS responsible for the damage an A has caused.

You appear to be inferring that any behaviour from the BS is acceptable after an affair regardless of the efforts of a FWS.

I strongly disagree.

I believe a FBS needs to decide to commit to working on the M or commit not to. Sprints protracted dabbling in singles forums, general miserableness and now this vapid 'seperation' where he doesn't even cite DSs affair as a reason is not justified IMO. You disagree, thats OK of course.

How long is a FBS excused from reassuming responsibility for all their decisions after an affair froz ?

I may yet divorce Squid ( or she me) if we do not have the recovery we both hope for after a reasonable amount of trying, but the inteceding time will not have been spent on destructive activity as Sprints time is now.

I'm just sorry for both of them and their kids that this is happning In my view unnecessarily.

I must be one of the few people who think separation might be helpful to recovery. A guy posted on MBs about six months ago about his being sent to Iraq as a newly BH, and full of determination to end his M. He returned home briefly after 7 months and returned to Iraq again. During the next 5 months away he did a total about face re his decision divorce.

He was very clear about how much the time away from the situation, gave him time to calm down and re address what was important to him. Away from the daily interaction of the person who caused him so much pain, he was able to think long and hard about what had occurred. He seemed to lose all his anger and pain during that separation and he is back in his M and very much in love with his FWW.

AN

I agree with Bob… Two wrongs doesn’t make it right… In other words, one wrong can’t be used to correct, or, in this case, justify another wrong behavior of the past. And if it is done, it is called revenge IMHO.

{{{deeplysorry}}} I’m sorry for what you’re going through… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Prayers to you,
Suzet

I'm not inferring that at all.

My statement was this, Bob...



I was inferring exactly what I said...no less, no more. I do not believe a BS is responsible for the damage caused by the decision of the WS to have an affair, nor do I believe that a BS isn't responsible for their reactions or any damage that may be caused by their behavior.




Well, never, Bob. No one is ever excused from responsibility for their actions.

That is not to say that they should be condemned by anyone, or that they should not receive forgiveness...from themselves, from God, or from their BS, regardless of whether the BS chooses to offer their WS the gift of Recovery. We all are responsible for our actions...always.

I do not believe the WS should be punished. I do not believe that the BS should be given free reign to react in a destructive manner. The BS is also not excused from the responsibility of their actions.

I do not condone any married person frequenting singles forums.

Sprint's pain is more than likely rooted by Dorry's decision to have an affair. That decision was her responsibility. It is her's to own.

Sprint caused Dorry pain by visiting singles forums. The responsibility for that is his alone, and while he may have been reacting out of the pain of Dorry's decision, it doesn't excuse his behavior any more than the WS is excused from their decision to have an A because their BS wasn't meeting their EN's.




I agree. Sometimes, though, one does not arrive at this decision overnight. It's a process. Maybe Sprint will reconsider. I, personally, hope that he does. But, if he has given it careful consideration and arrived at this decision, he has every right to choose to end his M.

No one is perfect...particularly in this situation of an A, which is so painful for everyone involved. Recovery is a learning process. Room for mistakes must be allowed (provided they are not deal-breakers for either party) or how else can growth be achieved?

I simply was dismayed that the focus seemed to be being placed on Sprint for making a decision that is his right to make for himself. He may have contributed to further destruction of the M by some of his actions, but the original source of the destruction is the A itself.




I, too, am sorry for both of them and for their children. I disagree that it's unncessary, though. Apparently, Sprint does not believe Recovery will be possible for him and feels it's necessary for him to exit the marriage. That's his decision to make.

Dorry,
I am horribly saddened by all this and know it is a difficult time for you. I am fearful that someday it is possible I may be walking the same path. I will pray for you and Sprint... and that you two will find clarity and comfort from the turmoil before you.


I disagree with this remark. I am not saying Sprint is justified, because really what does that mean anyway. The bigger person in any trial would not hold onto such meaningless ideals as "I am justified to hurt someone because they hurt me" And I will address Sprints behavior on singles boards as poor decision-making as well. Possibly clouded his judgement. Possibly not. That said, you and I, as FWS's, are responsible for our A's and if separation is the fruit of that, are part of the 'doing'.

All I am trying to say really is this. It isn't over until it's over. But every angry or hurtful remark you make to or about Sprint is another nail in the coffin of 'justification' for Sprint. Please be extremely cognitive of your words and deeds at this time and really try to remain level-headed about this.

Tall order, I know. However, I know this. No one hurting like a BS is hurting will be brute-forced back into a relationship.

I hope and pray that a separation in your situation works in this fashion. I hope that you are able to continue to offer Sprint help with healing(because it is the compassionate human thing to do) and that his time away will become a self-imposed plan b, of sorts. I hope that with this separation, if it must be, will become the catalyst for Sprint to realize that he truly wants his family back, and you.

Try to remain calm and humble. God gives us all the ability to make our own decisions. Even bad ones. You can't stop Sprint from making this decision, but with your unending and devoted love, you may show him that recovery is still possible. If you are true, possibly he will see the light. If not, well... we are all only human.

If you need to talk dorry, you know how to get ahold of Froz or I. God bless you and your children in this time of struggle.

I do not believe a BS is responsible for the damage caused by the decision of the WS to have an affair, nor do I believe that a BS isn't responsible for their reactions or any damage that may be caused by their behavior.

So any "damage" caused by Sprints behaviour, in your view, is that caused by DS's affair or by Sprints response to it ?

Froz I will ALWAYS be hurt by Squids affair. But I have already ceased to consider myself a victim of it.

This was a deliberate decision of mine.

I pray Sprint does the same.

All blessings.

I believe any damage caused by Sprint's behavior is Sprint's responsibility. No one forced him to respond in that manner.

Dorry, I was about to jump off when I saw this. I am so sorry my dear. Dorry, I agree with smur. Don't make this about Sprint, make it about getting Dorry to be the best person she can be and about taking care of your kids. Please tell me the kids are going with you. Sprint is not in a good place right now and his placing blame on you is very telling. I know how much it hurts to be a BS, but his behavior bothers me. Anyway, Dorry we are here for you and for Sprint if he decides to return. {{{dorry}}}

sorry

thank you everyone for you support

I do not blame sprint for leaving, I do accept it as a concequence, but I will NOT take responsibility for his actions. I have my own actions and they take up enough room

-dorry

???

wow. Pity party, selfishness and then attacking my wife in a not so subtle fashion.

Some clarification. Yeah she and Sprint have talked, via IM. So have you and Froz talked via IM... for hours at a time. All four of us have "gotten together" for some games on yahoo...

Froz is not so close-minded to "be on his side" simply because he is a BS as well. She and I never agreed with or condoned Sprints Singles Forum usage(that making us on your side) although I question posters here about their usage of it as ammunition to attack him.

And frankly, to use the term 'crimes' pisses me off. Has she been perfect? no. Have I? no. Has anyone? First person to say yes to this question please give me your address.. I have a 55-gallon drum of bullsh!t to send you.

... ok, now that I am done with that, here's the deal.

Dorry, I know you are hurting. I know it sucks. I have been thru separation and divorce before. Sucks. The placesetting at the table is a little different now. Maybe he was a horrible husband. Maybe he did mean things. I will extend I don't know.

Nothing justifies an A. Not mine. Not yours.

So... toss that into the mix and maybe Sprint is torn inside over that. Over the sharing of something so special with someone else. The giving of yourself to another person THAT WAS NOT HIM. Ugly truth I have to face everyday too. You hurt him. I hurt Froz. But guess what. Guilt and ignorance are not going to fix these issues.

Identify the pain, feel it and then move on. Do not dwell. Do not use it as fodder for arguments later. Feel it. Finish with it. That is advice for both you and him.

And for you, remember... as I remember in my situation.... you put him in the BS position on the field. It was your choice. Whereas I used to think,"If I would have known this would be the outcome... I might not have done this crap" the fact is ignorance of consequence to actions is no excuse. You hurt you... so help you. But you hurt him.... so help him. Be mindful of selfishness(and I have to admit this is a difficult one)

And again I say it is not over until it is over. Show him how much you care for him and how much you want to protect him. Make him feel safe. If he is destructive towards you, protect yourself, yes. Retaliate? no. The separation is a big change. Maybe... just maybe... he finds that this was the one thing to teach him you are where he wants to be. Recovery is where he wants to be. Just maybe.