Pat

It's why I edited that post before you posted

I realized I was wrong.

I am a little angry at the moment. but not in a pity party. I hadn't prepared for this, as I was busy trying to make the marriage work.

I have alot to get ready for and it's very overwhelming.

I apologize for what I had said

Forgiven.

I understand you are angry. I am sorry you are going through this. Froz is very compassionate, actually and you would do well to continue talking with her. If you need it. I know it is overwhelming... remember to ask God to help with your burden.

I hope for brighter days soon.

Dorry, I am an FWW and I am extremely sorry to hear this new turn. I pray god gives you the courage to handle all this.


<b>So... toss that into the mix and maybe Sprint is torn inside over that. Over the sharing of something so special with someone else. The giving of yourself to another person THAT WAS NOT HIM. Ugly truth I have to face everyday too. You hurt him. </b>
I think I have to agree with this post. I think sprint is deeply hurt, he is very confused and he like my H would also have assumed everything is going on well in the marriage when this happened. This must have caught him unaware. I am not condoning whatever he has done. I have read all your posts and somehow I can make out that he still loves you a lot. He is devastated by the A and thats why the indecisiveness(he stays late at work or sleeps in the basement but on other days he talks to you sleeps with you). Maybe he will realize how much he loves you and how much U love him when he is living separate.
I know its is easy for me write this but you are the one going thru this. You will be in my prayers.

[color:"blue"]

Froz said: [/color]

[color:"blue"]

and also said:[/color]


[color:"blue"]

I agree with what Froz has said.[/color]




[color:"blue"]I agree 100%.

For at least a year, in my opinion, the BS is testing the waters of recovery ... testing to see if they even desire the marriage after being BETRAYED

BETRAYED by one's life partner one's spouse, one's beloved

taking such a person back into one's heart is a HUGE risk

imagine this were a business partnership and you discovered your partner had embezzled half a million dollars from the company to spend on his/her own pleasure

and the partner did not confess and ask forgiveness ... no, he was CAUGHT first, then asked forgiveness

OK ... forgive this person

but do you trust them fully with all of your money right away?

do you?

I would not

I don't know if this partnership could ever be restored to a fully functioning worry-free partnership for years and years to come

and if the stress of worrying about it causes too much life-sucking energy

then it is OK to bail out early in the process and say ... [/color] [color:"red"]"This is not going to work for me. I want out."[/color]

[color:"blue"]

If the betrayed wants out of the situation it is not a despicable thing for him/her to want.

How dare we cast stones or 2X4's at this betrayed person for not being up to the task. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Recovery is a LOT harder than any other part of this infidelity mess, and recovery goes on a long time with no apparent goals getting reached or even having the end zone even in line of sight.

He has the right to bail out if he wants to.

Shame on us.[/color]

[color:"red"] Pep .... snorting ![/color]

As immoral?

Is this your position?

I wonder....

Pep

Wow, Pep, thought I was reading a post by Lemonman. tt

Well it's not. It's me.

If my H had said to me ... six months into recovery ... that my reactions to being the victim of his secretly screwing his friend's wife for 2 years were "as bad as" his screwing this another woman ... I'd take that as a sign of his inability to recognize the level of courage and bravery it takes a BS to even consider recovery




and I am particularly distressed at the other betrayed recoverers jumping on someone too weak to endure the hardships of recovery ... and you know who you are BOB

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm not looking to cast stones or anything here, so I hope no one takes what I say next as such.

I agree that it's DARNED hard to sort through the mess left after an affair. And the BS needs to get sorted through all of it to figure out if what's left is worth trying to salvage or not. I AM a BS...so I can understand how hard it is.

But...that also doesn't make it right to make the WS feel completely worthless and horrible. It doesn't EVER justify any kind of revenge affair, be it EA or PA.

If I were to decide today that my M is not worth saving, then that would be my choice to make. And I would then have to do the rest of the work in that decision...which means setting up the seperation/divorce, moving out, etc... I have NEVER tried to hurt my wife in retaliation for her HUGE mistake and betrayal...it solves NOTHING. I have insisted that she take responsibility for what she has done, but that doesn't require her to continually feel guilt and shame. I forgave her for it...and made sure that she knew that. If for whatever reason I decided that I couldn't forgive her for it, I would end the M as I said above.

I'm sorry, but I'm of the opinion that Sprint should either have taken the steps to help FIX the M and it's issues, or HE should have taken the steps to end it if he wasn't able to do so. Again, my opinion. Bring on the flames and 2X4s.

I wrote my post 'tongue in cheek'. It just didn't sound like you. I asked for separation because my WH never made an effort with recovery. Not a touch, kiss, conversation etc. Just so you know, walking away from infidelity doesn't make me weak; it was the bravest, saddest, hardest thing I ever did. I know you're not pointing any fingers, but I'd hate anyone to look at my signature and consider me 'weak'. TT

Agree with Pep absolutely.

What's Sprint supposed to do if he simply can't stand the pain of being betrayed? Lie? Stuff it?

To those expressing anger with Sprint, ask yourself - are you hurt for DeeplySorry, or are you hurt that Sprint has 'rejected' the MB principles? Are you scared of being reminded that a BS has a right to walk? Are you scared at how this influences you towards walking yourself?


Think hard.

TogetherAlone

Guys

thanks for posting to me

I realize right now I am angry - and am apologizing for any of my posts.

i wont be posting here anymore until I regain myself. I need some time.

He does have the right to leave - you are all right. I am just hurting - and just overwhelmed at being a single mom - things I didn't consider pre-A - I didn't think about the concequences then, but am living them now. It's my bed to lie in.

He will have all the respect I still have for him. I do love him. I am just hurt - and I know he has every right in this. I do

but things are always more complicated than they seem on here as many of you know based on your own experiences.

I have done many things wrong, but I have done what I can to right them. And will continue to do so. I for my children that my A has now effected them for life. Once again, my bed to lie in.

Sprint has his own demons to battle with, and I hope he does find peace with or without me. I wish things could be different, and am just dealing with disappointment, and the feeling of being abandoned. Once again, concequences to my actions, but very REAL feelings none the less.

To be honest, right now I would rather him have an affair, and come back and we work on it, then to have a seperation. As much as Sprint thought we had more to our marriage before pre-A, I thought we did too, and began believing we did again. I am very saddened and hurt - but he needs to do what's best for him.

I apologize for expressing my hurt in a not so good manner -i am going through waves of anger, at both him and myself. My hating myself is not going to be a good thing at this point. My little kids need me - they are 3&4.

I acknowledge your situation TT ... you did the best you could with what you had at the time



actually, TT, the person I am pointing at is BOB ... his was the response that T'd me off big time... I'm almost over it and will recover within an hour, to be sure <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Indeed, Pep. (to your entire post)

As shocking as it is to the MBer community,
Not everyone can Live with this type of betrayal.

Unfortunately, this is a decision that cannot be made in the first months after D-day.
Its a process that can take a long time to finally come to (and eventually Accept for one's self).

With that said:
If a BS doesn't WANT to work on recovery and is Unwilling to make an honest go of it ...is it not better to be upfront about it, then drag Everyone through the even more Bitter Pain of False recovery?

Since he wants to do activities such as personals, chats, whathaveyou ....IMO its better to separate then do these activities behind his mates back.

Cause as some have mentioned, he shouldn't be doing these things just to "get back" at his W.

However,
He has every right to end things.
Even if that is Not YOUR personal choice .....(at least at this moment) it is his.

Right or wrong (for him) ...we all have our opinion on that ....but time will clue us all in down the road.

Perhaps he'll find out the grass isn't any greener.
Maybe some space and distance will get him to reconsider.
Until the final papers are signed, IT Ain't Over.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

he did make a decision. first you say that


and I have no idea how far after DDay you are but Sprint was 6 months. He did make a decision. Is this something he should have "known" already? We preach about how recovery is measured in years.... is a process.... yada yada... and then we chastise this man for making the decision(probably the most painful one to date in his life) in 6 months??

geez. I say this with all honesty. Froz has quite a bit longer than 6 months with me to give it a go... and if it fails... I AM THE ONE THAT DID IT. me. I had the A. I was the idiot. I should be taken out to pasture and shot. Am I making sense here?

Froz is the betrayed one. Sprint is the betrayed one. Pep is the betrayed one... YOU are the betrayed one. How long have you been in recovery? Longer than 6 months? Isn't recovery a process?

what it sounds like to me is Sprint tried. He made a go of it. Maybe he doesn't feel safe enough to trust the betrayor.

interesting... I am not even the BS and this is pissing me off.

I know. Your opinion... but Sprint is not the bad guy here. And that doesn't imply Dorry is either. No one is perfect and you do the best you can.

stupid hurt talk right now pep

I am just going to shut up because I hate everything coming out of my mouth right now

Pep, I think there are many BS's (and maybe Bob is one despite how well his situation is right now) who wonder whether they made the best decision to stay. There just might be a perfect soulmate out there for them, rather than the "devil they know". And they will never know, because they chose to recover...

I live in hope! TT

you know I'm in your corner hoping for recovery of your M

but you are correct

you'd be smart to not say anything right now

go rest up

this ain't over

Pep

Deeplysorry,

I am sad to hear this. I hoped Sprint could deal with your A better than this. But I also sort of expected it. I could see the general downward spiral in your posts I read over the past weeks.

In my readings here, I see experienced MB’ers generally tend to advise against separation. So I am going against the grain a bit with what follows.

In my case an early separation saved my sanity as a BS.

W moved out the day after D-Day2. I think she hoped OMM would leave his wife and family and join her. In any case, the next six months was the worst time of my life. The only thing that could have been worse is if I had lived with her during that time. I now know I needed to be away from her to protect what little love I had left at the time. I think we would be divorced by now if she had not left for a while, whatever her motivation.

I know my limits. I would have LB’d her way past the point of no return. As it was, I LB’d the walls, pictures of her, me and just about anything that moved. It was not a true Plan B - I had not read SAA or found MB yet – no PBL and we had face-to-face contact over financial and child matters. But when she did come over I was able to keep myself together and be more or less sweetness and light for her. She will never know how much pain and misery she avoided, mine and hers, during that six month separation.

She also learned how much she missed her family. I could see it dawning on her as the weeks progressed.

So, in my case, separation was a (relatively) good thing. Perhaps you and Sprint can find it so, also. I don’t know. Please keep your hopes up.

I will continue to pray for you and your family.


PS: Related but separate – I think it is entirely logical that a BS may find that they are not able to recover themselves even after initially committing to it. This may be the case for me. I have been at this for 16 months. I am just now starting to think I can’t do it after all. I’m in a real quandary and not thinking well of myself. Looks like I will be a failure in this too.

DS,

I think you need to really listen to what Pep said, HOWEVER, the post you really really need to pay attention to is ANYNAME's. I feel she offers you the best perspective for the possibilities of the future.

Sprint has the right to decide to leave the marriage but that is NOT what he has decided. He has decided to separate and as Anyname so correctly pointed out, this can have very positive consequences. So let's not assume that Sprint has given up, but rather he is in "strategic withdrawal" to heal, look at things from a distance, and learn about what is truely in his heart.

DS, your marriage is NOT over with this separation. It might be, but as Anyname said it might not be. My advice: continue to grow, learn, and develop.

This marriage may not be over. So don't give up, but do give Sprint his space now. It is up to him if he uses it productively or foolishly. Just as you made your decisions he has some to make as well. He is still married to you.

God Bless,

JL