Hello! I have been reading some of the posts and I feel for everyone here. It's nice to have people who understand how you feel, since all but one of my friends has not a clue what it's like. Well, here's my situation...

My STBX and I have been married for almost 6yrs, together for 8yrs. We have "grown apart" and I didn't see it until he was hooking up with OW's. He claims I put all my attention to the children and he is somewhat right, but things are a two-way street. I also never got help with them. He was working a job where he got out of work at midnight and wouldn't come home afterwards. He wanted to hang out with the guys instead of me. So I turned inwards after I made attempts to let him know my feelings.

Eventually, he ended up with a MOW and repeatedly lied to me about his relationship with her. Long story short, he moved out and moved in with her. They were together for about 6 months and then he came back home. I thought he came back home for the right reasons (to work on M), but later found out that he moved back in b/c of the kids; that he hasn't loved me in about 2 yrs, shortly after S#3 was born.

Anyway, he has now found someone new and is now demanding a D. Which, I have mixed feelings about. I still love him (I must be sick) and really want to make our M work. At the same time, I understand that he wants out and nothing I can do will make him change his mind. He does give me mixed messages about things, one day all he talks about is getting a D and the next it's "Let's just separate and not do anything rash," he will do nice husbandly things for me, or he will ask me out on a date and pretend life is normal. It just gets so hard to start greiving about the M when he does these things. It makes me feel like there is hope for us. UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!

I know what I should be doing, but my heart is still holding on. I know I should me shutting him out and keeping conversations to dealing with the kids. It's the only way for me to deal with bad stuff. I don't so well with dealing. Sorry this got long. I don't know if I'm really looking for advice or more of a vent. The only thing I can think of to ask is how have you dealt with the pain. I have friends who look after me, they make sure I'm not sitting at home sulking. Thanks in advance for anything you have to offer!

What you should be doing LemonLime is protecting your boundaries. When a wayward spouse suggests that "we just separate and doing nothing rash," what said spouse is really saying is "Let me have my affair, and all the benefits of being married to you, including the ability to rejoin you in the home when the affair sizzles out."

Have you read up on Plan A and Plan B? Both are great tools for recovering a marriage. They are not a guarantee, but are good tools.

Plan B is great for protecting yourself from further harm. It can also serve as a wake up call for a WS. It seems to work about 30% of the time. I'm guessitmating on that.

Good luck.

Thank you for your advice! It helps to have people from outside of the situation look at it and see things for what they are! Thanks again!

Lemonlime, your situation sounds somewhat like mine. My husband says he came back just for the kids too and that he has no feelings for me whatsoever. I do not know if I completely believe him. He still depends on me an awful lot for things. But anyway, I agree with the poster who said you need boundaries. Your H is saying "let me have my affair and come home when I am ready" He needs to know that that is NOT ok. My H seemed surprised that I filed for D and not just a separation. I don't know if it was because he didn't think I had the money for a D or because at some point in time he wanted to be able to come back. I still love my H too sweetie. I wish it didn't have to be this way. But my H has chosen to live his life like trash these past 2 years and I have let him. I let him no more. My line is drawn and my boundaries are up. I think he sees I mean business with doing a D. I do not know what the future holds. We could get along just fine apart and maybe rekindle something in the future who knows. I know we had a nice relationship at one time. It is not all his fault. I made mistakes too. I didn't know how to be in a relationship and by the time I realized what his needs were and how I could help fill them it was too late. The point is, you do need boundaries. You do not have to be mean and nasty to him. Just simply stated that the way he is treating you is not ok, you have more respect for yourself than that. Maybe once he is away and you have set your boundaries and he sees you are going on with your life he may want to come back and work things out. Sometimes they need to see that you can survive perfectly well without them. My H, well I just don't get him. He would have lived the way we were forever. He had his cake (a home and his kids and a wife to share expenses with. He could get better benefits and more pay because he was married, etc) and he got to eat it too by doing what ever, who ever, when ever, he wanted. Well, wake up darling H, that is not how life goes. Keep posting and venting, this is a great place to do it. You hold your head high and don't get stomped on. hugs, mlhb