I hardly know where to start with this. I participated on the EN board quite a bit a few months ago. H and I were going through a really difficult time. He seemed to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis, wondering whether he should have gotten married, wondering whether he had ever really been attracted to me. (We have been married nearly 16 yrs and have 4 kids, age range 5-13).

Anyway, we have been going to counseling, and things seemed to be getting better. We have been going on dates, which he has done faithfully. We seemed to be having more sex, which was a big concern for me.

Then, the last week everything seemed to suddenly nosedive. Suddenly he lost all interest in sex again. I felt really rejected and have struggled to deal with that. My h is a former WS who had an affair with a co-worker. Now I am afraid that he is heading down the same path. He swears up and down that he would never cheat on me again, but the decisions he is making are making me extremely uncomfortable. The coworker that he had an affair with left the company a few years ago, but this new person is also an attractive woman who works for him. He has been enjoying various leisure activities with him, and this is what is starting to bother me. Wednesday, he took a 30 mile bike ride with this woman, but told me he was going alone because he knew it would upset me.

At this point, I really do believe that nothing is happening...yet. However, I am feeling very threatened by this and have considered e-mailing this woman to say something about my feelings. I wouldn't say anything accusatory; I was thinking something along the lines of "I don't think you are aware of this, but h and I are in couples' counseling right now and strugglinh with problems in our marriage. It is making me very uncomfortable that he is spending so much of his leisure time with you." I think this potential OW is a nice person who might be understanding about this, but she also works for him, so I am trying to tread carefully. Any advise would be appreciated.

julie

Julie,

I would like to say Bravo! for recognizing these red flags early!

Cat

Julie:

This is between you and your H.

There seems to be alot of conversation that you and him need to have. Like: Why did he deceive you about the bike ride? Why didn't he invite you on the bike ride?

Julie,

Welcome here on the GQII board! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Please print out and read the following article and also give it to your H to read:

Emotional infidelity in the workplace

It will also help if you can get hold of the book ”Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass.


Possibly not…but I’m afraid your H has started to cross boundaries with her on an emotional level already… They are at least involved in an inappropriate friendship and there is HUGE red flags (such as his lying about the bike ride; no interest in sex etc.) It’s inappropriate for married people of the opposite sex to have such a type of “close friendship” and to share their leisure time together all the time. By doing this, your H and this woman are fulfilling some of each other’s EN’s and to fill each other’s love banks…and this is a danger and thread to your M. But I think you already know this...

She might be nice and understanding and back off from your H if you do this…but there is a greater chance that she might NOT be a nice and understanding person and that she will use the info about your M to attract your H further to her… It will just show that you feel insecure about yourself and your M. Therefore I won’t recommend you e-mailing such a letter/e-mail to the OW AT ALL! Rather speak to your H about this and share your concerns with HIM.

Suzet

Julie, I hate to say it, but I suspect your H is in an affair. People who have nothing to hide, don't hide. And he has done this in the past. All of the classic symptoms are there.

I agree with the others about contacting the OW, it would only hurt your postion at this point. I would focus, rather, on gathering the intelligence you need to find out if he is having an affair. I wouldn't accuse him, just quietly do some sleuthing and find out what is going on here.

How does he contact her? By phone, cell phone, computer? Is contact only at work?

Have you and your H read HNHN? How about Love Busters.
His going on this bike ride is a no-no. He probably needs to hear it from someone else that it is not ok to spend his recreational time (on any EN's) with someone of the opposite sex...someone other than his spouse. Actually, I think he knew it was wrong,but felt entitled and that shows he hasn't learned how to not be a WS again. See if he will do some counselling with SH.

You need to POJA recreational activities and enthusiasically agree with those types of decisions.

I agree with not contacting the OW yet, because it could back fire. She had to know it was kind of weird to go on a long bike ride with a married man without his wife. It was very disrespectful of you. Do you bike ride...are you physically active? Do you meet his EN for attractive spouse? If not, then you may need to put some of your energies in those areas. What recreational activities do you do together? Are you always at home taking care of the kids but the OW is free to give him her full attention?

Does she know he is married?

If she is a co-worker, you could at least make a few appearances at his office - so everybody knows (or is reminded) that he has a wife and ... bring the kids along - so they remember he has a family too.

-AD

I can tell you from my experience with my WH and OW that I wish I had confronted her after I confronted him. In our case, a "relapse" two weeks after affair ended caused a pregnancy and now I have to deal with OW for the next 18 years. I wish many times I had gone to her and attempted to scare her off. I know now as I have been forced to confront her twice on stepping out of the boundaries we agreed on since there is a OC and H and I stayed married. When I did it, she really backed off. So I think it my have worked way back in the beginning if I had tried. If you feel like it might help, then I say do it -- that way you won't end up like me always wondering "What if ..."

Thanks, everyone who has responded.

Yes, I've read HNHN, but not Love Busters yet. Yes, she knows he is married. This isn't the first activity he has done with her, which is why I think I should say something.

As for meeting his needs for attractiveness, that really shouldn't be a problem. I am in great shape, excercise several times a week. I have four kids, but no one believes it from looking at me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

AFAIK, there contact is mostly at work. But he travels a lot and she travels with him. It's not usually JUST him and her, there are other people too.

He deceived me about the bike ride becuase he knew it would upset me. He didn't ask me becuase he knows that I don't like to ride bikes. IMHO, we should be doing activities that we both enjoy. I don't mind if he rides a bike, but I do mind if he rides it with her, alone.

On the plus side, we are seeing a counselor. He's going to see her alone tomorrow (he's out of town right now).

Julie

Julie - what type of business is this and you did say she worked for him, right?

[color:"blue"] This right here is what I find most worrisome.

His willingness to lie to you.

If he thought the bike ride with her would upset you HE SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE IT....

There is a sense of entitlement going on here that also worries me.

It's like:[/color] [color:"red"]If I can hide stuff from you then it's OK to go ahead and do stuff you don't like[/color]

[color:"blue"] This is some bad stuff this willingness to lie mixed in with a sense of entitlement...

be very careful...

keep your wits about you

eyes and ears open



YIKES!

Pep[/color]

Finance department of a food distribution company. It's a fairly large office with lots of co-workers. He is her boss. That's one reason I hesitate to contact her - I don't want to make things messy at work. But I also feel like I need to fight for my marriage. I am going to ask my therpist's advice about this too. Hopefully he can see that his behvaior is inappropriate if it is coming from someone else.

julie

Is OW married or engaged .... anything like that?

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

OW is single, and seems to have a large group of friends, but is not dating anyone (at least that I know of).

I don't think h has slept with her, and at this point I don't think she would sleep with him. She's mroe of a potential OW, if you will. I don't think she is aware of the damage that this is causing in my relationship.

Then call her up and ask to meet with her in private...

and tell her about how your M is trying to recover from a previous inappropriate relationship and that she should be very cautious and wary to spend alone time with your H ...

I'd say that in the nicest most sincere way possible ...

and ask your H if he wants to come along with you when you do this ... see what he says

Pep (evil)

Your H is her boss....sexual harrassment potential there. He is playing a dangerous game.

This is all compounded by traveling together...group or not.

If you think she will listen to reason...about being uncomfortable of their recreational time together...it may help. Use your judgement. I just know that the OW in our sitch was able to give the impression of a goodie goodie, angel type, who many admired...She could do no wrong. When I questioned her talking to my H too much on cell phones...she down played, lied...said she was too busy volunteering at her kid's school. She continued to lie as time went on and their A progressed.

I can not see why she would agree to go on that long bike ride with her boss...without his wife. Not good. I wouldn't trust her intentions any more than your H's.

Learn to trust your gut.

Quick update. I just talked to my therapist, and she suggested that I wait to do anything until she talks to him tomorrow. But I think we are at a crossroads. I have basically decided that unless he can commit to ending all outside-work ties with this woman (and agree not to have any more recreational time with a woman alone, ever) then I am done. This is really depressing and scary.

She recommended not contacting potential OW, but instead waiting to see what h says tomorrow. I am really terrified. I want desperately to stay married, but I can't live like this anymore. Right now I am going to try to work on just getting through the night. He comes home latish from teh airport...8 or 8:30. Anyone who is a praying person, well, please pray for me and my family.

thanks, julie c

Julie, we are in similar shoes and at similar crossroads. The difference is my wife has already moved out. She admitted to talking to OM from last time on the phone, said she missed his company and still loves him. But, now I'm not sure that she wasn't trying to throw me a bone to chase with the old OM as she has a co-worker that I am very uncomfortable about. She used to talk about him a lot when she first moved into that office, about how funny he was, how up beat he was, how he was just so much fun to be around. That sent up red flags and I dropped subtle hints about my level of comfort.

Hindsight being 20/20 I'm wondering now if she isn't talking to OM#1 and has picked up on this OM#2.

Julie, I feel for you. I too am in turmoil, this is our 2nd time around, I'm questioning myself as to weather or not I should even put forth an effort this time. Afterall, this is the 2nd time in 3 years, what happens in another 2 or 3 years? Am I supposed to go through this all over again? Someone said it right, learn to trust your GUT, not your head. Your head will play games with you based on your heart, but your gut instinct will ALWAYS be right.

Get yourself through the night, work out, clean the house, do something to occupy your mind so your not thinking about it. Then tomorrow is a whole new day, when you wake up make a promise to yourself that you WILL have a GOOD DAY no matter what, and keep reminding youself of that promise throughout the day. One thing that helps me to get through is reminding myself that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right this minute, so why waiste your energy on thinking about it? If my wife is sleeping with OM right now I cannot stop that, if she's talking to him on the phone I cannot stop that, if she's thinking about him and missing him I cannot control her emotions. I've learned the hard way that you have to separate yourself somehow and determine what you can influence and what you can't. If he comes home tonight and see's a depressed, bummed out, anti-social wife that will only drive him further away. BUT, if he comes home and finds someone occupying herself who appears to be calm, cool, collected and confident it will only bring him closer to you. Concentrate on what YOU can effect and try not to worry about the rest (easier said than done, I know).

God Bless you and your family.

Thanks, TM - that really makes sense. I will really try my best. I'm going to go clean my house now. I'm sorry you are going through this too. I'm sorry anyone has to go through this, ever.