Gosh it sure has been a while since i've posted anything on here. I'm not sure if anyone remembers me or if there are any old timers on here.

Long story short.........Oct. 2002 (5 months pregnant), found out about H's (at the time) affair, he moved out November 2002. Had baby in Feburary 2003, Both filed for divorce in June 2003, Divorce finalized in November 2003. At times would say he wanted to work things out......but that was it. Whole year passes......by this time i have my own home (was living with parents), he has his own home with OW. In Oct. 2004 we talk, and says wants to work things out.....he moves out of their home....moves back into his mom's house. He's out for 3 months. This whole time he's doing good.......looked like he was really done with her...of course struggling but seemed like he just knew what he wanted and made up his mind. We weren't sure if we wanted to work things out.....but kinda feeling things out. Well December 2004, her father dies..and he rushed back to her. Says, she needs him... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Memorial weekend, this past weekend, called me late at night........asking if we could talk. Says he's done...wants to leave, doesnt want to move back into his parent's house. We were very emotional...expressed a lot of feelings but still very skeptical of what he was saying b/c it was like, "HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HEARD THIS!". He stayed at his parents house for a day, went back to his house......and called me yesterday after not hearing from him for about a day. Asking about my "relationship" with my b'freind, little does he know that i don't have a b'freind but just a friend (of course just let him believe whatever he wanted to believe and never confirmed or denied anything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)..... and he's known about my "b'friend" for a long while already. And i of course say how can you ask me what my situation is when you're still with your g'friend, and still living with her. And he says........he's asking b/c he wants to know what the situation is with us....i was like what situation....you're still in the same situation. And he says look, i want to leave, i'm gonna leave, i just don't want to go to my parent's house. Says, I'll just be blunt, and asked if he could move back in and work things out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> And just told me to think about it.

Ok, now what!?!?! It's been 2 1/2 years since we've split, 1 1/2 since the divorce. Is this possible? I'm in desperate need of advice!!!!! Thanks to all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Dear STBXwife,

This guy is very confused - don't let him back until he straightens up his own act and grows up a little. He wants your reassurance because he is one of those serial relationship jumpers that can't let go of one relationship without knowing that he has a parachute - another relationship - to fall back into. He really needs a little time alone, frankly, to figure out what he really wants.

Be honest with him - it's like playing a game not to tell him that you don't have a real boyfriend. Tell him that the guy is not in his way and then give him a list of the behaviors you want him to change before you will let him back into your life.

And after 2 1/2 years?!! I think that he should have to date you again for pete's sake! Make him work for girl - you are worth more than this - he will not respect you otherwise!

V.

STBXW,

It sounds as if he is just afraid to be alone. His relationship with OW, is not that good and he wants to leave. Sooooo, he wonders if he can find another woman to live with because living with his parents is a pain. I would say that the reasons stated above are NOT good reasons for you to let him back into your life.

If I were running your world <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I would suggest that he find a place to live by himself and learn to live by himself and then the two of you could see what happens IF you are really interested.

It might be that once he understands that he can function in life without a woman, his interest in you will wane again. You need to know this. It might also be true that time by himself might make him see things much clearer about your past marriage to him.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

STBXWife,

Don't take him back ... at least not yet.
He still has a relationship with this OW ... and after all this time it would not be easy for him to break up with her ... not to mention that you don't know how she is going to react ...

Seems from your post that you still have feelings for your xH ... that's ok and understandable ... well, at least I do <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

A little about my story if it helps you ...
The summary is in the signature anyways <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

We've been divorced for one year now, and even before the divorce was final, he was talking about coming back while living with OW ...
I took him back ... and it lasted a week ... I took him back again and it lasted 6 weeks ...
After a heartfelt conversation, we decided that we needed, not only to rebuild but to clean and plan before rebuild ...
He's been in IC since December (one of the conditions from me to try again). He got a studio and we are dating right now. Taking things very very slowly ...

I haven't read your story but I'm sure that you don't want to get back into the rollercoaster again ...

Get him into counseling, either IC or couples counseling or both ... he can get a studio or a room to live while you two re-work things ... but as much as you want to ... don't take him back ... in less time than you know, everything will be back to the way it was before D.

Hope this helps!

Of course you would not let him move in with you.
You are not married.

Sounds like he's looking for an option OTHER than his parents. He also sounds confused too.

Seems to me when people have been apart that long, and pretty much out of contact, they can't know what they want. How can they want the other person back when they don't know who the other person has become in the meantime?

Tell him fine he doesn't want to move into his parents house, rent himself a house or apt and then you can maybe date and see how things go.

But he will have to rebuilt some trust if HE really wants to work things out.

Hey STBX,

I'm home alone while the guys are out camping. I posted this over on general questions because there are more than a few struggling there who keep taking the WS back before they've truly turned remorseful.


How do you know?

Just thought you could use a checklist right now.

If you don't see all of the relevant ones, don't take him back just yet. He's not done cooking yet!

To me it sounds like he's just looking out for himself. What would be easiest and most comfortable for him.

KaylaAndy, I read your list. It's pretty lofty. Do you know of anyone who's WS has ever met all of these? Did their relationship work out for the good?

My dad wasn't a cheating husband; he was an extremely abusive one though. And I've watched the walk.

BTW, the list isn't to be "inclusive", meaning EVERYTHING there by every wayward spouse. What I mean is the list has some items that will be more relevant for some WS than other items; it's the spirit of responsibility and maturity that I had hoped to put across.

STBXWife, personally I wouldn't let him come back. I'd be soooo infuriated with his reasons and soooo hurt by his reasons, I'd probably try to divorce him all over again!

Some have suggested your X may be looking for a safety-net relationship as he leaves OW. That may be the case. If it is, chances are the same problems will resurface, and the dear man will be off with another OW. It could be he just wants to use you for your house, until he finds another OW would will take him in.

It could also be that he really wants you back. However, he actions really leave this open to debate. You two have been apart for 2.5 years. That's a very long time. He didn't end the relationship with OW first. He wanted to jump back into the relationship where you left off. You had a long emotional talk on the telephone.

Yep, for me, this last one counts as a strike. People who care try to be very careful of the other person's feelings. It seems to me to be very insensitive of him to have opened this can of worms all at once.

"Just think about it." Usually, when I hear this line, it's a manipulative technique used to prevent me from saying "NO! Are you out of your mind?"

Thanks to all those who responded.........

Finally had a TALK with my XH yesterday. He asked if i thought about what he asked. And of course, i did. I have to admit that when he first came to me with the idea, i played around with it in my head. But knew it wasnt the right way to do things. And had already made up my mind that i would let him know that he couldn't move in. I asked him........."WHAT ARE YOUR TRUE INTENTIONS? Are you looking for a way out of your relationship with her or wanting to work things out with me?" And he said, both. Expressed how he truely missed me and the relationship we had and wants it back. Said he also wants the kids to stop crying everytime he drops them off. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> I basicly told him that i didn't think it was a good idea for him to jump from one house to another. But he said he understood why i would say no.....And said he would ask his parents but also wanted to know if i was willing to see if we can try again. I told him that i would. I let him know that i care about him. So........now it's just up to him if he's genuine or not. But i'm ready for anything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />