How do we know when we have truly let ourselves fall again into the trap of thinking that we can change someone? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

I just caught myself thinking about my BF - who lives 25 miles away from me. In my last complaint (ewww I need an attitude adjustment), I mentioned that he doesn't seem to want my kids. Well I think he may be making an effort - he actually found an activity (a WWII airshow!!) for us all to do this weekend! And then wants to invite some friends over Sunday that have children to play with mine? You may recall this is the party guy that wants to be a family guy. I think he is trying - have to work on my gratitude book. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Now this is stuff he wants to change about himself and it looks like he is going for it yeah! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I totally clued in and bought him the perfect birthday gift. So perfect in fact that he couldn't wait to install it and play with it - a unit for his home theater. In fact he is going to play with it some more tonight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

I want to remind him that he had talked about coming by my place tonight so that we could have some "alone time". We never have enough "alone time". I am lucky to get alone time once a week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I'm supposed to admire his basic character and not try to change him. His basic character is to want to spend tonight playing with his new electronic toy. This really excites him - so much he couldn't sleep last night. Am I trying to change him by reminding him of my needs? Is this going to turn into a tug of war? Am I assuming too much that he should remember my needs? I think to myself - well it would be different if we were married because then there would not be scheduling problems? But things like neglect only get worse when you get married, right?

V.

These are important issues. They will NOT get better with time or marriage. Only if you can communicate your way through this do you have a chance IMHO.

TALK TO HIM about how you feel. IF that doesn't work towards a solution...well then, you have your answer like it or not.

Best,
High Flight

He really listens. He acts upon reasonable requests I make. I guess his statement was meant as what he would do before he came over. I think I'm one lucky gal. Now I really need to get to work on a gratitude journal.

Is the secret to finding a worthy person in that this person would be willing to change and accomodate someone else?

V.

Ditto to High Flight.

Also... it's good to hear I'm not the only one struggling with this. Except I'm the one with no kids, trying to date someone with kids. But I'm also a female, with a tendency to try to "change" him. I posted a long time ago on the EN board, because I felt selfish with my BF (like I was being a taker?). Much the same feelings and questions you are having. I decided part of it was coming out of a marriage where I had to make all the decisions, and I don't want to do that anymore. And also, I was the BS, and certainly don't want that to happen again, so I'm afraid of doing all sorts of things wrong, especially demanding that he "be" a certain way.

Have ya'll done the EN questionnaires together? We did them pretty early in our dating relationship, and it was helpful. It opened our communication for the rest of the relationship, so we could keep tabs on each other "how am I doing", or gave us the same "lingo" to use so we could communicate better when expressing when our needs were NOT being met. If you both know what a Love Bank is, and deposits, and LoveBusters are, it's easier to talk about them. The other thing we would try to practice is POJA. If we're both NOT in enthusiastic agreement about something (going somewhere, doing a certain thing, frequency of alone-times, etc), we don't do it. It's hard to maintain, when you're different - busy schedules - different priorities & lifestyles, etc. I didn't get to practice these things in my marriage (after I learned them here), but my BF and I used them some while we dated a couple of years.

I had to give up trying though. I found myself doing exactly what you're talking about: trying to change him and his kids too much, and decided that if I wasn't happy the way they were, and I couldn't be what they needed ME to be, they weren't for me. We broke up and are still friends. He didn't see a problem, because he didn't mind me "taking care" of him/them. Long-term, the lop-sided relationship would become dangerous for all.

So, eventually, after you've expressed your needs, and given HIM the choice and the chance to meet them, you need to decide if you're happy they way he is, or not.

I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That's where I am, anyway.

I focused right in on that, wanting him to change, wanting him to give up something, etc.

He is a man, not a fixer-upper.

I think it was rather disrepectful to say "he doesn't seem to want my kids"

These sorts of things are better expressed as I statements.

"I would like us to spend more time with my kids."

"I would like to plan some activities for us and the kids, would you be interested in ____________."

When you say things like you said, they are a DJ wrapped up in a "nice" and "pretty" feeling statement, but they are still a DJ and not a direct, respectful request.

Speak HIS language and be direct. You want him to meet your needs. Ok, then tell him in a way that he understands, directly.

BF, I want you tonight, after I get the kids to bed, I'm going to put on the little french maid outfit, grill you a rare steak, and you can use me as your platter.

( If that's what you want to do during your "alone time" )

And if he's still more interested in playing with his home theatre, send me your # and a 8x10" glossy. I'm a shallow, visually stimulated male <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(Just kidding on that part about sending the # and pic, sometimes it's just about the humor of the moment.)

T

Thanks Faith1 it certainly helps to hear from other people struggling with the same issues.

CH my man - I would never say anything like that to him. In fact I think in the year we've been seeing each other we've had only 1 or 2 disagreements and one time where I snapped at him when he woke me up from a nap and he very kindly told me that he hoped I wasn't getting so comfortable with him that I would yell at him. I was actually trying to be funny. Oh well - he has very good boundaries.

Thank you for your suggestions - I did do something like that recently where I did come out and say I'd like to do things more together with the kids. Actually now that I think about it, I said something like I saw how much time and effort went into something he planned like a movie showing or a party, and that I was jealous because I felt that the children and I didn't get this treatment. Rather than building a flower bed for his party guests to enjoy, he could have built a swing set and the children wouldn't be so bored when we visited. (He worries a little about the kids and his gadgets - my kids are very bright and the oldest boy is very into electronics and can usually figure something out faster than an adult...) So he wants them to have more to do - maybe he is just at a loss for what to do to keep them entertained there and away from his "stuff".

I dunno - I've heard from my sister when she was dating her husband and she had two boys while he had no children that it was really hard for him at first to cope with her boys being around his stuff.

As for dishing myself up like a steak - yeah I think he would go for that. Everyone that I have met through online dating says my pictures don't do me justice but if you like... I hope you like short curvy/slender brunettes.

V.