DD 28/10/04
My first post so here goes. Firstly, thanks to all for your generous spirit and commitment to those seeking light in their darkness. I have not bothered to post as there was such good advice and my WW has acted in predictable fashion. It has been a painful and lonely process, but a faith and character building one. A journey made easier with MelodyLady, Arc^^ and Orchid (advising on method), Lemonman’s (honesty), BobPure’s (encouragement and success) and many others such as TooMuch CoffeMan, MelodyLady etc who have made me stronger and wiser.

WW physical affair ended on 1/16/05. WW has refused to commit to marriage and appeared to be holding out for OM to return to her. After my disclosure 28/2/05 to OM wife he is off the radar and re-committed to his marriage. WW appears to be in serious denial and has constructed a world that says “I had the affair because subconsciously my marriage was making me unhappy.” Before the affair she had told me and others that her marriage was “the best of all her friends” and that she was “very happy”. To help her cope with the guilt she went the “My bad marriage made me do it” babble. A letter to OM intercepted on 3/20/05 indicated a strong addiction to the OM who had promised her marriage. The guilt and shame appear to be paralysing her into making decisions about her future and with three young children and shared custody (1 week on 1 week off) the looming option she is scared and fragile but firmly uncommitted to marriage after 7 months since discovery 10/28/04. WW is seeing a psychologist to ease her pain and in her words “gain strength to leave”. WW is trying to right the lies, the failure and guilt that now rule her life without a willingness to acknowledge what she has done, presumably because her failure is too painful to face. WW states she cannot talk to me as she becomes very anxious and has threatened suicide when I gently talk about kids, separation etc. So we have had no real relationship talk as yet.

My WW has finally sought psychiatric assessment 6/24/05 and has been diagnosed as having PMDD a psychological version of PMS which causes mood swings, depression, anxiety, low self esteem etc. and is now on the AD Zoloft. The diagnosis provides a significant piece of this confusing jigsaw and explains the deep denial (fog), the inability to process anything and to why she feels that the affair was right ie it felt right because the chemical surge from the affair helped her overcome the symptoms of PMDD that had become worse over the last 5 years.

In 4 weeks WW will move to a rental property and duplicate a home for our family, whether she has enough strength is yet to be seen. (She has attempted to leave before and apart from paying the rental deposit has done nothing to prepare for the move). I will however, provide her with a caring and supportive environment right up to the day she leaves ie no LB’s. My question relates to my next step in the process, especially in the context of her diagnosis and current medication.

1/ Do I talk her out of leaving which in her present condition and confusion I think I could easily do? If she leaves she will have no support (few friends and no relatives) and will be without the children she loves every second week. (She has never been away from them for more than 3 nights)
or

2/ Do I “Tough Love” (I have read it) with a Plan B style approach to try and break the fog and to help me get on with my life? It will have been 8 months since DD but only 4 months since no contact. NB I possibly have the strength to go another month or two . Perhaps after reading too much Lemonman this is an appealing option as I realise that she needs to take responsibility for her actions and the diagnosis cannot really excuse her behaviour.

My decisions would be made easier if I knew that she was capable of making sound decisions for her and my children. I would appreciate your advice.

BS (ME) 45
WW 38
Married 16 years
DDay 10/29/04
3 Children 9, 7, 6

Hmmm,

If it were me (oh wait, it was) I would Plan A my butt off until she left, help her move, ask if she needs anything...

A week or two before she leaves let her know that her not working on the M is very hurtful, that the A has hurt your heart and is hard, if not impossible, to get over. Be very honest. No need to discuss, just let her know your feelings, then you can change the subject. This will lay the groundwork for Plan B.

When she moves out, it will be a golden opportunity for you to move to Plan B. Plan B will come as a shock, but if you have told her how much you have been hurting ahead of time, she won't take it as a punishment or revenge.

There is a VERY good chance she has continued the A, or C, or has started another one...the biggest reason WS move out.

My H moved out even though I didn't think there was C and a NC email had been sent. He was surly and a real jerk for 2 months. I asked him to leave...only to find out that contact continued (and hadn't stopped).

Thanks SMHI I will post a copy of my Plan B letter for comment.
100% sure that there is no A, or C. OM scared off well and truly and from this site I have learn’t all the tricks. According to a “double agent friend”, after WW sent the “I am moving out - come and get me” letter to OM, WW saw OM driving home. When OM saw WW she waived and he then planted the accelerator and high tailed away. This sent a clear message to her and I will claim it as an answer to prayer.

From your response I make no allowance for her depression?

Plan B will be difficult with the week on week off routine with the kids. For shared care to work there needs to a lot of contact. Plan B letters don’t appear to deal with shared care issue and the need for lots of contact. The phone, email will have to be used.

I am committed to a tough Plan B, she thinks that we can all play happy families after separation (shared meals etc). I have told her that when she leaves things will be different in order for me to heal. My statement to doesn’t appear to have sunk in so I will hold all hints of Plan B.

I will continue to Plan A. Not sure about helping her move out as I feel that this should be part of her learning experience. I have said that I would take the kids away for a holiday in the week that she is moving so that the kids won’t be too traumatised. Part of the experience as she has never been separated from the kids for more than 3 nights.

WW is saying that moving out is a bad idea but the thought of re-committing to marriage is an even worse idea. – we’ll see. This stubbornness (fog?) inability to see any other options appear to be the result of her depression and character. Still hopeful that fog will lift when the AD’s kicks in.


BS (ME) 45
WW 38
Married 16 years
DDay 10/29/04
3 Children 9, 7, 6