Post deleted by Larabell

I'm so sorry you are going through this hell. My situation is different than yours (H has 4 month old OC, we have been M for 11 years), but the result pretty much the same. I have had exactly the same feelings toward OC and OW - they are only a financial responsibility. My H has agreed to have NC with either of them. I also felt that it was "them or me" as I couldn't live the rest of my life in contact with them. My biggest fear right now is that H will change his mind and want to have contact with OC. We do not have children of our own yet, and it would just destroy me for him to be a dad to somebody elses kid. I have known about A for almost 2 years (and thought it was over long ago) and about OC for only a month. Some days things are easier, other days still just as hard but I know I'll make it through one way or another. Best of luck, and no - you are not horrible!

Larabell, your feelings are very normal. Count on this being your H's child, it will make it easier in the end. I wouldn't make any "forever" decisions right now. You have to take it one day at a time. If you can't deal with C right now, that's your right. If you can't deal with C forever, your decision also. I told my H that I have no guilt when it comes to OC. I am going to accept this child into our home, but under my conditions. If I felt I coulnd't, I would not hold an ounce of guilt. To me, that is for OW and H to bear. It sounds like your calming down now that you have assurance from your H, but trust me, this is a rollercoaster ride. Just try not to let every emotion affect every decision. Let things come as they do and when you have an emotion, sit with it, talk with someone and reason things out. Then you can know your making an informed rational decision based on your true feelings. Stay with us and post as you need to. There is a lot of sage advice here to absorb and consider. Good luck to you!

Lara, you are intitled to the way you feel. But don't let emotions run your life. KWIM?? At first when you find out things you think "I could NEVER"! And I am here to tell you that with faith, love, compassion, you can get though ANYTHING. I'm not telling you to change your mind, or convince you that you should have C/NC. C is one of the hardest things that a M can get though. ANyone here will tell you that. I can only tell you my feelings of knowing, loving and caring for our OC. He is just as precious as my own. And in alot of cases others will tell you how they have made their lives w/o the OC. YOU and YOUR H have to come to rational aggreements on this. If your H choses n/c because of the fear of loosing you, and years down the road blames you, what then? Look at all of the aspects of it. My H chose C and so did I. I don't think I would have respected him if he hadn't of. It was a joint thing. If I couldn't deal w/it, then I would have gladly stepped out of this M. But just slow down, take some time to pray about it. Thats all.
Sunny D

If I am not mistaken, Dr. Harley reccomends letting the marriage heal first.

An unhappy marriage is not a good example for oc, c of the marrige, or anyone else. I feel that if NC is neccessary until the M heals, so be it. No child should be in an unhealthy situation of crying and arguing. If the marriage is not happy, how can any parent be a good example?

Sometimes NC is needed to heal the marriage first.

ember

I COMPLETELY agree with everything you said. My situation is very near yours and my feelings are exactly the same. I found out about A and OC only 6 weeks ago (OC is 3). I met with them and tried to be the adult. I was calm and rational and explained as long as you are an adult we will be fine. OW played up good to my face promising me a phone call and lots of talking to work all this out for the children. I left and since then she won’t return my calls and did not even show up for the paternity test last Thursday. DSS said she didn’t have to since she lives in the next state. This however totally pissed me off because she only lives two hours away. She’s driven here to sleep with my H but can’t do the drive to do paternity. I to told H I would NOT allow OW/OC into my four children’s lives or mine. I refuse to be weekend mommy to a mistake. Anyhow your post replies were a lot nicer then mine. I was even told I was irrational, evil, and basically would pay for not accepting OC into my home. OK.
I to have been ill. I’ve lost about 30 pounds in the last month and I don’t sleep. This is eating me alive. I see you to be dealing with DSS. Yes if she gets Medicaid they will request a father. But hey these stupid women could always say I know his first name was Bob but it was just one of those drunken nights. Can’t give a name if you don’t know one. BUT no they always say a name knowing that they are hurting someone. I to feel that OC is my H’s. Of course since she’s using DSS it’ll be another two to four months before all is said and done. That’s ok for me though because Miss Thing will be highly disappointed when she finds out that I have my cs order first leaving her not much. I filed as soon as I found out. I refuse to let some HO step into my life and take money from children. I to am a SAHM. I mean I’ve been here for 13 years and I am being treated like I have done something wrong. Here is a warning. Since you are dealing with DSS be prepared to be made to feel even worse. I to talk to the social worker on the phone. I was told that this is none of my business. Huh? This is only my H and my children’s entire life. They will not allow you to even stand by your H. You can’t be present for none of it. So don’t bother unless you don’t mind sitting in the waiting area. I am assuming all states are the same on this. But if you want to talk to a very sympathetic ear I am more then willing.

Post deleted by Larabell

Hey my D-Day was 4/18/05. However was your OC from and A? See I found out about 5 weeks before 10th anniversary that H had a 3 year old. I'm devastated. Anyhoo yes I would love to email each other. I'm at (don't laugh) [email]******************.[/email] Yes I am a fan. Have a great vacation. Wish I could go. Looking forward to hear from you.

***note*** cm, I have removed your email address for your own protection. I will keep it on file and if you'd like to exchange addresses with anyone refer them to me please.
JustUss

Post deleted by Larabell

Post deleted by Larabell

I have an adopted 12 yr old daughter. She has always known who her birth mother is. Her birth mother has always been a part of her life. Her birth father and birth mother broke up a few months after the pregnancy started.
2 yrs ago my daughter asked me If her birth mother was never married how did she get here? I explained to her what I knew (Her birth mother and I are best friends). I told her, her birth fathers name and that if she wanted I would try and find him for her. But that if I did find him he may reject her. to be prepared for that. She told me she wanted me to find him.
So I went online and did a search and found him. I called him. Told him who I was. (we had been friends when him and my friend were together). I told him about my daughter, that me and my H had adopted her and that she would like to talk to him. He told me that he needed to talk to his wife and would call me the next day. (he married 5 yrs after my daughter was born so she is not an OC).
He called me the next day. Said he would like to talk to her, to be a part of her life if it was ok with me. He said his wife didnt have a problem with it either. We set up a time and he called and talked to my daughter that evening. My daughter also talked to his wife and their 2 kids. a couple of weeks later he told his mother about my daughter and his mother wrote me a letter and asked if it was ok for her to have a relationship with my daughter. I told her I didnt have a problem with it. So my daughter called her grandmother and established that relationship as well. a couple of months later< her birth father asked if my daughter could go visit them and meet his family. I left it up to her. She wanted to meet them. So her bio dad flew out here and spent a couple of days with us and then she went and spent a month with him and his family. She had a blast.
She brought all kinds of pictures back with her. She is a very well ajusted child. She knows where she comes from and who she looks like. She talks to them on the phone once or twice a month. She is very close to her sister.
Her bio dads wife does not feel threatened by my daughter at all. She was concieved and born before there relationship ever existed.

I could understand how you feel if the child was born out of an affair but he isnt. Your H didnt cheat on you. Why act like he did.
What if the situation was reversed? what if it was you who had a child from a previous relationship? would you give it up if your H didnt want anything to do with it?


My H's OC was 7 yrs old when I found out about him. My H had been a part of his life from the beginning.I choose to have contact in the beginning. But because of things that the OW is doing or is trying to do, I dont have contact. My H and my children have contact by phone and by e-mail and snail mail.When my stepson is old enough to want to have a relationship with me, it will be his choice, not his mothers.
This child was born out of an affair. It is 2 totally different situations.


You are blaming the child for the mistakes of his mother.

Yes MB is for working on your M. But DEMANDING someone to make a choice??? That to me is not working on your M. ?? I agree w/ TSM. This child was not a result of an A. And suggesting that a person not try and do the best for all involved? I don't agree with.
Sunny D

Lara~

You mentioned on another thread you're reading Purpose Driven Life.

You may want to really focus in on chapter 2.

Maybe that will give you a different perspective on this child and the situation at hand.

Not sure why you're even equating this with a child born from betrayal? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> Apples and oranges...

[color:"red"] Lara, I don't understand WHY you are so upset & distraught over this. SO much so that you would even consider divorcign yoru H over somethign that happened PRIOR to you ever beign together.

Your reaction seems a bit over-board.

I don't think you are a horrible person but I really don't understand what the big deal is. Either way your H is gonna have to pay CS whether he is IN the child's life or not.

Have you even TRIED it yet?

I dont' see anythign to HEAL from for you or your marriage. There was NO betrayal.

YOu say that you will be miserable if he has a relationhsiop w/ his {possibly} new-found child....well how do you think you will be ALL ALONE, w/ 2 kids, one hwo is a newborn, ANd ahving to give them up for visitations w/ their dad, going to work FULL time & leaving your kids in daycare. I am assuming you prefer not too which is why you are a SAHM?

WEll, IF you D, you will have no choice. Welfare doens't cover everything.

I think you need to seek soem IC for yoruself so you can analyze WHY you are over-reacting to this situation.

NO, the situation is NOT fair. Yes, it is a big surprise & CS can be a blow to the budget. I am sorry for that.

But hey, you make adjsutments, you accept it & life goes on. You make the best of it.

I am still REALLY confused as to WHY you seem to think that this will be such a horrible strain on your marraige.

Dealign w/ the child's mother may be difficult. But after DNA is proven, your H will have rights.

Imagine how that poor kid probably feels finding out hsi DAD is NOT his bio dad? Hey, I've certainly been THERE! It was NOT jump-for-joy-info, I tell ya'!

Seriously, consider some IC.

xoxoxo
kt[/color]

Larabell,
I hope you are enjoying your vacation right now and spending some time taking care of yourself. Your emotions after finding out an OC exsists are completely normal -- you described things we all felt at first. Emotionally you are experiencing the same stages of gries that someone who has lost a loved one feels. You are mourning the life you thought you had. You have to ride through that rollercoaster of emotions and it isn't easy - one day good, net day crying uncontrollably, etc. During that time you need to try and take care of yourself and most importantly don't make any major decisions. You need to wait and see how all the emotions settle -- the ones you experience in the beginning are quite different than the ones you have later on. Things do become clearer to you as to what you truly can and can not live with -- you will be surprised at how far you can come from where you started over a few months of time.

One advantage you have that the rest of us don't is the fact that OC isn't from an A. I know you feel betrayed because you knew nothing of this child and he belongs to H and not to you. But your H didn't lie to you, keep secrets from you, and have sex w/OW during your M. I would really encourage you to be compassionate towards your H -- afterall, this is a shock to him too. I am not trying to invalidate any of your feelings -- I know they are real and you are in a very darkplace in your heart right now. But try to look at the bright side -- your H didn't betray you the way many of ours did. In my sitch (as us the case in most on this board) I had to experience the emotions you are about an OC even exsisting and the sametime I had to handle that my H had lied and betrayed my trust in the worst possible way. So at least you only have half of that to deal with. Your M doesn't sound like it is really one the brink of D unless you choose that.

Best of luck on working through all of this. Keep posting.

Post deleted by Larabell

I have not read a single post to you that says you should just clap you hands in excitement or whatever. What I see here are those who have dealt with the actual A, and they are trying to show you from their own experiences how it IS different. You yourself even stated that this child is 7 1/2 and you have only been with your H for 7 years, and that the child was born before you were even in the picture. If the xgf(girlfriend) didn't tell your H about the baby back then, and is now being forced to do so since she is on state aid, well, that's not the best thing for you, but your H did not break his vows with you. I think that's the point that these wise women are trying to make here. Now, that's not to say that any of them feel that you should change the way you feel, just take a look at it in that way.

I think that you and your H need to strengthen your M, but really search your heart and see if you might be able to love this child. There was no betrayal on your H's part, so consider this an added member to your family, if visitation is sought. I know that it's not fun to have to pay CS, but if the state is demanding it of your H, you have to comply. Maybe see what your state laws say about this, and see if you can work something out so you and your children are also considered. Especially since the xgf never told your H.

Lara,
Please don't take the posts to you the wrong way ... we do validate and understand your feelings ... you do have an unexpected situation that you have to deal with which involves another woman and another child ...

These are very good posts to you in this thread ... please re-read them ... and re-read them, and re-read them ... read them as Lara, read them as a stranger, outsider, try to read them as a betrayed spouse ... read them as Lara before knowing, read them as Lara in a month or two, read them as Lara in one year ...

Without diminishing your feelings: Do you know how many of us would hope for another child from a previous relationship ... and not another child from an affair? Do you know how simple our lives might be? Your H did not lie to you ... he did not bent backwards to cover an affair ... he did not lie to you in your face every day, for months, for years ... he didn't break your heart into a million pieces (more than once) ... he did not break your trust in him... he has not tell you 'I'm not in love with you anymore', 'I don't know why I marry you?' and all those horrible things WS say when they are having an A ...

what you have in your hands ... with time and understanding, and hopefully IC, you can deal with ...
yes, it is true that this OW might give you a hard time ... but that might not be the case ...
yes, it is true that if the OC is your H's and CS is in place ... your family might suffer financially ...
and if you (you and your H) decide C, it will affect everyone's lives ...

It is very smart to do things through court ... whether you decide to have C or not ...



I totally understand this ... I think most of us do ... your feelings are normal !!!! That horrible sensation in your stomach that you feel that you want to throw up ... yes, we know about it!
and in top we think "what if they restart the A"?

If this is what you really want .... then so be it ... but have you think about how miserable your life is going to be without your H? dividing your life in pieces if you go through a divorce? how much is going to hurt your kids? how much is going to hurt you financially? how much a divorce hurts ... period.
Been there done that ... Now looking back sometimes I wished I had found MB before saying I don't want to be in this marriage anymore ... I found out about the affair, filed for divorce, three moths later we were divorced ... and at that time I didn't know about OC ... right now, we are dating, rebuilding our relationship ... and even when I don't care about OW ... I do care about OC ... even when I try not to think about my life with OW forever there, I too questioned myself if I can really deal with this for the rest of my life ...

I don't think you are horrible ... you just need time to adjust to this situation and to discuss with your H what are the possibilities if OC is his ...
when H told me about OC ... I literally saw the line where people get crazy ... I didn't know how to react, what to do, what to say ... do I want this OC in my life? and all the questions that you have in your mind... it is too much information to 'digest' in one month or two ...

There are not right or wrong feelings (learned that from Retrouvaille) ... what you do with those feelings is what is wrong or right ...
And if those are still your feelings in a two months or more ... then so be it ... but no without giving your M a chance ... not without giving you a chance ... whenever you make your decision, make sure that you are under control of your emotions ... right now, your emotions own you ... not a good time to decide what you want for you and your children ...

I was in counseling for a whole year, every week and I know that my counselor is an angel sent by God ... (as well as this message board) ... I know counseling can be very expensive but you can find 'free' and good counseling at church ... I got my counselor through church, Steven's Ministry, for people dealing with life crisis ... talk to your pastor/priest and ask for help, for you ...

Keep posting, share your feelings with us ... it helps ...

Lara,
As I read your posts, the feeling that keeps coming through to me is how "powerless" you're feeling right now. A situation has developed that could have a life long impact on your life one way or another. Whether there is contact, no contact, divorce, or not your husband's child. And all this is happening through no choice or prior action on your behalf. Yet you will have consequences from it.

Even if the situation didn't develop as the result of an affair, you still have to deal with someone else's choices and consequences...and an innocent child is involved to top it all off. This situation will have a major impact on many areas of your family's lives. Financially it will takes a big unexpected bite. And you will have little control over this "bite". On top of it, you have the other woman who has told you that she can be your best friend or enemy. So even though she's not an "other woman", the dynamics of using a child to get one's way is still there.

You also mentioned having a 2 month old. Nothing like a few post-partum hormones to stir crap up even worse! This isn't to minimize your situation, but to note that there's an additional factor you have in trying to cope. This situation also may mean that your husband's time and attention MAY have to be spread further to include a relationship with another child. How will this impact on your two children, your time with him as a wife? Obviously an unknown at this point.

Then there's the anxiety of DNA testing. So you're really not even sure at this point what you might end up having to deal with. Leaves a lot up in the air. And no real information at this point that will allow you to take the results in, try and make decisions about it, and deal with your feelings. To make peace somehow.

And while your husband says that he will do what's best for the good of your immediate family, there's probably a few doubts about what his decision will be. You might end up loosing him....or a part of him...to another woman and an OC.

A whole lot of POWERLESSNESS!

I don't know about you, but I don't deal well with feeling powerless. Most people don't. Typically feeling powerless leads to either depression..giving up...or rage...fighting "it". Well, the only "IT" you have to fight right now, to rage at, is your husband and the other woman.

So, where does all this leave you? How can you have peace of mind? What can you do to try and have an impact on a mess you never created? You've already mentioned one choice. You can choose to leave, to divorce. That's one choice you can make right here, right now. It might provide a temporary sense of relief just being able to have a choice about something! Yet, if you step back, this choice will bring a whole lot of other consequences that will do nothing to ease your stress in the long run. It will affect your finances, your children's lives, a life with your husband, etc.

Sometimes the way I handle feelings of powerlessness, related to having choices in a situation, is to remind myself that doing nothing is a choice. Or, in your case, staying is a choice, too. And while I may not want to make the same choice further down the road, I may want to make it for now. Recognizing there are always consequences..some of which are unknown. When I was dealing with my xWS and OW and OC situation, we had worked for a while on reconciliation. I gave myself permission to make a different choice, at any time, for any or no reason, to reconcile or not. I told my xWS that this would be my approach. No guarantees of staying or leaving. I just couldn't commit to that at the time. It wasn't meant to be a threat, or power play. It wasn't meant to be manipulative. It was meant to remind myself that I did have choices in a situation over which I had little control. And that I had the right to change my choice.

I think that there are many similar dynamics to what we all are going through on this forum. No, your husband didn't cheat and lie to you. So the "trust" factor with him isn't anywhere near as great as when there's an affair and an OC born. Neither, however, were you anticipating such consequences from a past relationship choice he made. My xWS had children from a previous marriage. Yes, I took them in and loved them, BUT I knew up front that they were part of the "package". That wasn't a problem for me. I might have made a different choice, however, if I was someone who didn't want a man who had children coming into the marriage.

I do think it's easier when betrayal hasn't been involved in a situation with an OC. But your pain, is your pain, and seems to have a feeling of betrayal for you. Honor your own feelings. But please have patience with those of us who have an additional burden to handle in trying to make peace in our lives.

Post deleted by Larabell