Ok everyone! I am currently involved in an Affair and I don't want it to end!!! Believe it or not, I was here 2 1/2 years ago crying over my H's A and trying to save my marriage. Now I am in an A of my own, and I don't want it to end!

This is not a retaliation thing, it just happened, and the one thing that came out of it is that I understand now what H went through and how affairs begin.

I am not asking for acceptance, but I do have a few questions maybe someone can answer or give guidance. I did post under another topic and got some good advice, but I am still confused.

I read some of the posts and think " yeah, I feel like that!". Here are some of my questions/thoughts, and I am going to try to be very honest in what I am saying.

1. I don't want to hurt my H, even though I was devistated over his A.
2. I don't know if I want to stay married, but I'm afraid to give it up. I know I don't want to be alone.
3. I feel so alive with the other man, and I don't know if I still love H enough to stay with him.
4. I was never physically attracted to H, sex was never great. I am very attracted to OM, always was, and sex is fantastic.
5. Besides sex, I just have a wonderful time with him. He makes me feel special, beautiful, loved. He shows concern for my well-being where H never has. I have fun with him!
6. H and I have talked alot lately and he has confessed alot of things to me, things like he has been selfish throughout our marriage, only thought of himself and his needs, was never there for me. Told me he really didn't love me the first 13 yrs we were married but now realizes he does in the 2 years since his A.
7. H does NOT KNOW about A, but sees changes in me.
8. H admits he has not tried to make our marriage work in the past but he wants to now. He is afraid of loosing me.
9. H is me 2 years ago, trying desperately to make it work.
10. The biggie!! I don't want to give up OM!! I don't want to be with H. I don't want to go on vacation with him or do things with him anymore. Is this the fog? If I was never that in love with H to begin with, can I ever get anything back with him?

I married H at a low point in my life. We only dated 6 weeks prior to his asking me to marry him. I had had a couple of bad relationships and here was a man wanting to marry me, so I said yes. I was tired of being alone. I had no self-esteem. H is 9 years older than me, was never any fun, always did what he wanted, never what I wanted. We led seperate lives.

When we met, I told my friend he was not my type. My friend said "you're right, you like axe murderers!". Well, it wasn't that bad, but I guess I always liked "bad boys" and got treated that way. H was a man who was stable, had a good job and was nice to me. I didn't know he had a drinking problem or a past that included infidelity.

As I said, his A devistated me, as I already had trust issues, and he betrayed the trust it took me 13 years to obtain. So, yes, our marriage wasn't that good, but it was "our" marriage, and he betrayed that. I had actually thought of leaving him several times, or having an A of my own, but I never wanted to hurt him. This was prior to his A I am talking about.

I have never really recoved from his A, have never trusted him again, or ever really felt "in love" with him. I said if you love someone 100% and that love is broken, you can never get to 100% again.

This was a second marriage for both of us.

So, question? Do I give up the marriage that is just drifting along? Stay in the marriage and try, but I feel I have been trying and it hasn't worked, but give him the benefit of the doubt and believe he is going to try now (even though he also told me he is too old to change).
And I still don't want to give up the OM. I don't want to stop feeling the euphoria I feel with him!! This is starting to affect everything in my life including my job and family. OM is all I can think about, all I want.

OK, HELP!

Welcome to marriagebuilders. Do you and your husband have kids? Is the OM married?

I find it interesting that you post here saying "I don't want it to end", when you know that all the advice you're going to get is going to tell you to do exactly that.

If you learned so much about how affairs work and the whole MB process from your H's A a few years ago, why don't you start by going back and re-looking at all that basic information. You know, the stuff about fog, addiction, withdrawl. The information that talks about how the feelings from OM are totally unrelated to real love and feelings from an established relationship.

I don't have any further advice...there's no advice to give to someone who doesn't want to change. Hopefully others here will be more helpful.

Until you decide that you want to give up your affair, we cannot help you. You will not understand anything we say.

We can help your husband. Send him to us.

OK errm,
I am only going to cut this part and please do read it well because you seem to be about to make the same mistake.

I have a couple of questions for you, errn.

You said:


If you never cared about your H, then why was this so?

Do you feel OK about your H suffering the way you did?

You are in 'lust' with OM, not love.

Do you have children with your H? If not, then I'd be more inclined to advise D.

You should have known better than to allow yourself to enter into an A, having been a BS yourself.

So, is your OM a bad boy...loser type that you used to be attracted to; that is what you implied? Afterall, he didn't see anything wrong with getting involved with a married woman. What he'd do with you, he'd probably do to you. Then you'd be right back where you were...because, generally,reality sets in, the infatuation wears off, and you will still having to work at any relationship you are involved in.

OK, WAT, you actually gave me a lot of help when I posted 2 years ago. You made a lot of sense and I hung on to your guidelines. I know this is MARRIAGE BUILDERS, but what if you don't know if you want or can try to build your marriage.

H does not know about A, and if he did, I would not have any choices, it would be over. He does not give second chances. He cheated on his first wife and she cheated on him. He does not believe in counseling and his attitude is "recoup your losses and get over it".

Owl, I know you are right, the advice I will get is to end it, but I don't think I can now. That is kind of my point. I want to keep feeling like I do and I don't really want to resume what I had or didn't have with H. Maybe I should be asking how to end my marriage.

Believer: we have 5 children between us. None together, all grown. My oldest stepson just told his wife "my dad has never really tried in his marriage". No, they do not know about the A, just that I have not been happy. They know about H's A. The OM is divorced, has 1 child. He is a fantastic father. He is younger than I am.

BAH!!!!!!!!

sorry... it slipped.

gloryb.com that way ------------------------------->

you will find lots of lost souls that will buy every rationalization that you list for hurtful behaviors and choices.....

go have it....

THIS is marraigeBUILDERS.....which will be here long after your destructive actions have laid waste to many innocent people...that don't deserve to be hurt for the sake of your euphoria...

This is not meant to be hurtful...but no one here can help you or anyone else who is not interested in stopping their destructive behaviors...and nor is it people's jobs to convince you to do so...you must choose...as we all must..

you seek us out to garuntee your 'feelings' nbut we cant' do that....

right is right...always has been
always will be..
good luck

ARK^^

I KNOW I shouldn't even read this thread, but I do have a question for you in spite of myself.


With all the positives you've expounded upon about the OM, the A itself, your emotions, ect...

Why would you End Up Alone?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

If OM is so wonderful, so great, so fantastic, SO "everything" you want and Can't give up .....wouldn't you always be together?

Or perhaps is it, that he just "really" doesn't WANT you??
(or at least NOT the "way" you'd like him too)

Are you OK for sex, fun, excitement, and "extra" .....but not For Life??

Just curious.

why would you come to a 'marriage building' site when you want to continue the affair?

and you have been here before on teh BS side of the fence?

and you can't end it of your own accord?

you know it's wrong... I mean identified the hardline that it is wrong and yet you can't stop yourself?


I guess what sticks out to me is the you have been here before as a BS fact. Saddening.

uh... point blank. You have to end it. Nothing more can be done for you until you do. if you sit on the fence, you will be too confused to 'hear' advice.

this all being my opinion.

errn,

Truthfully, I just don't get it. I don't get how a person that has already been the victim of an affair could intentionally inflict that kind of pain on another human being!

You do know that just because you have been keeping this a secret doesn't mean that your FWS isn't already suffering terribly or don't you remember?

You know the steps, you know the rules, be a mensch, be open and honest, make a choice and live with the consequences.

Sorry to sound harsh but I just can't make sense of your post.
According to you you are in a loveless marriage, you tried very very hard and didn't work. Your H doesn't really make you happy, as a matter of fact you barely love him.

I just wonder... how come you are not divorced yet? Why are you not running, but flying to the court and getting papers so you can ride into the sunset with this dreamy prince of OM?

The way people like to make a drama out their life just bogles me sometimes.

come back later when you've told your husband that your affair is too comfy to end ...

then we can have a talk

until then, you're just another one living a lie

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

something in the water today, I think.

Mimi : in response, I have tried to decide why I wanted him back so much. Two things come to mind 1. it wasn't MY decision, he left me and I didn't like that, and 2, I think I was afraid to be alone, afraid I wouldn't find anyone else. The old bird in the hand. Not really good reasons HUH!

Trix : I see what you are saying. It ia Lust I am sure, but there is love too. No, he is not a looser. He is probably one of the most compassionate, caring, good hearted people I have ever met. He would give you the shirt off his back. I have seen him do things for strangers most people wouldn't do for people they know. Ex: he saw a man in a business suit with a flat tire, he went over and changed it for him so he wouldn't get dirty. Wouldn't take any $ the man offered him either. He also stopped on the interstate and changed a flat tire for 2 women too. He took an old drunk guy he saw home one night so he wouldn't get hurt or drive drunk. He is very caring. He says grace before he eats even in a restaurant. And this A is tearing him up too. He has actually tried to end it a few times, but we just end up back together.

Affairs don't "just happen".

I know that my comments will fall on deaf ears....but....


1. I don't want to hurt my H, even though I was devistated over his A.

Little too late for that.

2. I don't know if I want to stay married, but I'm afraid to give it up. I know I don't want to be alone.

Might not matter what you want....if the A is discovered....and it will be....eventually.

3. I feel so alive with the other man, and I don't know if I still love H enough to stay with him.

Textbook.

4. I was never physically attracted to H, sex was never great. I am very attracted to OM, always was, and sex is fantastic.

IF this were true.....then why were you so devastated that he had an A and why did you even consider recovery?

5. Besides sex, I just have a wonderful time with him. He makes me feel special, beautiful, loved. He shows concern for my well-being where H never has. I have fun with him!

Again.....textbook.

10. The biggie!! I don't want to give up OM!! I don't want to be with H. I don't want to go on vacation with him or do things with him anymore. Is this the fog? If I was never that in love with H to begin with, can I ever get anything back with him?

IF you were NEVER that in love with your H then you wouldn't have been SO devastated over his previous A.

I see alot about what your H is doing wrong.....but where is your acceptance of what you are doing wrong?

Also......you might want to go back and see just how you are rewriting the history of your marriage.

It's soooo bad now.....but it had to have been good at some point for you to have considered reconsiliation in the past.

JMHO

errn,

Well, this is an absolute no brainer from my perspective. Do as Pep said, tell your H and YOU won't have to make any decisions and you won't have to give up the OM because \

You are assuming that he has NOT learned a thing from his experiences. It is clear you learned little from yours, so perhaps you are right.

ADVICE: Tell your H.

WORST CASE:

From your perspective: your H will have changed and will give the marriage a chance.

From your H's perspecitve: he will lose you.

Best CASE:

From your perspective: he has not learned a thing and you get OM for the rest of the relationship (not your life) because this has little chance of working long term. However, you will be happy for awhile.

From your H's perspective: you have actually learned a few things and you two build a much better marriage. You have said that he has changed his perpectives a lot in the last two years although clearly you had not and entered the A.

So THE ONLY THING TO DO IS: tell your H and let the chips fall where they may.

By the way, I don't for a moment believe the self-serving statements you have made about your marriage. You are in fact in the FOG.

Tell your H.

God Bless,

JL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

I laughed so hard ...

nice try errn

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />