OK everyone, I know I am wrong to be in this affair and you are all here because you have all been hurt too. I understand why you are all down on me, and I expected it and deserve it. I am just trying to understand myself and my feelings and maybe I just need someone to kick me in the behind to see it.

I do know that I have never recovered myself, and this is probably part of it. I know other WS have posted here and thought I might get some help or at least in sight into some of how I am feeling.

I will probably end the affair and stay stuck in my marriage, feeling like I never had a chance. I have drifted along in a bad choice for 15 years and I can keep on going. I pretended to be happy the last 2 years since our "recovery" and I guess I can continue to pretend. I don't mean this to be ignorant, but how many of you in recovery really are happy now? This is a serious question.

Pep, you sure thats not St Theresa or something in disguise?
So much goodness in one man has to be toxic, just like when he decides to selflessly get involved with another man's wife so the poor man can have more time to change his own tire in case it blows up! Such sacrifice, just makes my heart bleed.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

(Thousands of apologies I just couldn't stop myself, and I tried)

I laughed so hard ...

me too Pep...next we will hear he's an Eagle Scout ex-peace corp missionary...

My only advice to you..

choose your words wisely...as the rationalization babble you speak stands to cut many a BS here on these forums....and though you may believe you speak the truth...your feelings are shadows of true nobler actions and feelings....

sad to think you should know this...having been a BS to turn around and minimize their pain through your accolades of your OM...is really sad....and proof of how lost you are right now....
and how misguided your own thoughts really are
ARK

I asked YOU a serious one too,

Why do you fear you could end up alone?

By all means errm, please do not stay in that sham of a marriage of yours just for us!

About your question, I am happy most of the time, and I get to be happier more often as times goes by, but my recovery has been ongoing for over 5 years now, so you could say I have patience and a cool head since I haven't gone and killed somebody or jumped off a building yet.

I agree with the others, tell your H and let the chips fall where they may.

You are in the 'fog'. You are justifying your A. You are not in a unique, special relationship with potential for life long bliss. The euphoric high won't last.

Then you will have further shown your grown kids a poor example of how one should deal with their marital relationships. You may end up alone in your old age...just as you fear...and for what...a few mind blowing O's?

Since you asked me specifically, I'll attempt an answer. And I do remember you from before.


Building on what Just Learning wrote, above, I think herein lies your answer.

You do not know if you want to be married to your husband and you are certain that if he knew of the affair that your marriage would be over.

What more do you want to know? There it is! You have to either 1) end the affair and try to stay married (on the chance you may be wrong about your husband's reaction) or 2)choose to continue the affair and not be married.

These are you only two choices.

There is not another choice, i.e., you cannot keep the affair a secret or else you wouldn't be here trying to get help with how to have it both ways.

WAT

Go ahead, you can all make fun, but I will stick up for him no matter what. I have been involved with a lot of [censored] in my life (divorced 6 years between marriages)and know how men operate. He is just not like that and I am not just blinded to that. We were friends for well over a year before it went any further. I know I can't make any of you understand. Some people are just GOOD people, some are OK and some are [censored]. He really is a good person. Even my H loves him!!!

And, if none of you have ever been in an A yourself, you can't understand how they just happen. I didn't before. Take one hurt wife, one un-feeling husband, low self -esteem, a physical attraction, add a little alcohol, and you have an affair in the making. No, not right, but it happens!

errn, don't think I'm trying to kick you or use you for a punching bag or anything, but the things that you write give me such flashbacks to a few weeks and months ago, when FWH was still deeply fogged in. Decide to do what is right and do it. Ignore your feelings. They are only that, feelings, and not the proper standard of right and wrong.

Errn,

You posted on the EN board that the affair ended two weeks ago - OM broke up with you. I assume by this post that you're back "together" - did you fight to get him back because it wasn't your decision to break up? It seems to me that's why you wanted your H back after his A, because it wasn't your decision for him to leave. Sounds like you've got a case of the grass is greener...

One question for you...ERRN, before I jump in and try to help.

Are you a Christian? Is your husband? Is the OM?

Thanks.

In His arms.

I bet he'll be voting for the vatican to cannonize him, overall once he finds out he's been having an affair with you.


Compared to:


And will you please re-read your first post? Aren't the same bad circumstances that made you marry your now husband being played again, just with a different man?
Please woman open your eyes!

My H's OW was really super-great, too. In fact, she reminded him of me back before three small children, his two business failures, and the bankruptcy from the second of those failures dimmed my dewy-eyed wonder just a trifle. OW is awesome, except for her willingness to tear apart a home and break up the lives of those three little children for the sake of a few secret slaps-and-tickles. A real winner! Or maybe she just wasn't thinking clearly????

errn,

I repeat: TELL YOUR H ABOUT THE A.

If the OM is so good, then your H's reaction will simply solve your problem for you by him divorcing you. You have nothing to lose right? You hate your marriage, it has been bad for 15 years (although I do remember you posting here as well), your OM is kindest, nicest, the most trustworthy man you have met.

Tell your H and then come talk to us. We will help you through the divorce IF that is what happens, or we will help you put the marriage together, if YOU decide to stay.

You hold all of the cards errn. You know what your H doesn't. You have your OM. You have the "right" to divorce because your H did fail you. You have it all. So leave with what little dignity a cheating wive can have...tell your H. Face your decisions, your desires, and your morals. I am sure you have it all figured out because you know men so well. This will be H #3 IF you two ever marry.

Tell your H the truth, this is also your chance to really grind it in to him for cheating on you. There is absolutely NO reason not to tell him, even the bad reasons benefit from you doing it. At least then if you two do divorce, the divorce will be done with honesty, if little else in your marriage has been about honesty.

You have used him for 15 years by your admission because you did not love him. Perhaps he picked that up and that is why he cheated on you. But, no matter, you have been dishonest with him and yourself for all of these years, at least END the marriage with HONESTY. Tell your H.

God Bless,

JL

Ok, let me just thank all of you for your opinions and your advice. I don't know what will happen next. Maybe I'll continue to post, maybe not.

I am not making light of anything any of you went through. It was the most devistating thing I ever went through, and would never want to go through it agian. Should that have made a difference to me before I entered into this affair, probably, but I guess it didn't, unless you look at it that I said in the beginning to OM "this would never have happened 2 years ago". And it wouldn't have. I would never have believed it would have happened. Can you be so hurt that you loose a part of yourself, the part that would keep things rational?

I am sorry for all of the pain all of you went through. I went throught it too, and believe it or not, it still hurts.

Sometimes I don't believe my H CAN hurt, so it's like it didn't matter. He has only in the last week told me he was sorry for his H. Up till now it's just been "get over it".

Thanks again!

This is not a retaliation thing, it just happened
No, it didn’t “just happen” just as your husband’s affair didn’t “just happen”.
You were both doing things which made it happen.
Not saying either of you were looking for it or trying to make it happen but your actions allowed it to occur.
You allowed yourself to get too close to this guy and then BAM, you’re too far in.

I will probably end the affair and stay stuck in my marriage,
This statement always cracks me up.
Why would ANYONE want to stay in a marriage and stay "stuck"?
You have more than the two options of;
1 - Stay "stuck" in a marriage & hate it
2 - Divorce

There is also #3;
Stay in the marriage, end the affair and do everything possible to make it a fabulous and wonderful marriage with my husband, a man I in love with.

He is probably one of the most compassionate, caring, good hearted people I have ever met. He would give you the shirt off his back.
But he will NOT do what is best for your husband (or you), which is to end the affair and never see you again.
Doing what's best is not always easy or makes you feel good.

And, if none of you have ever been in an A yourself, you can't understand how they just happen.

You're preachin' to the wrong choir here honey.

I HAVE been involved with an A...albeit an EA....an A just the same.

It doesn't "just happen".

Take one hurt wife, one un-feeling husband, low self -esteem, a physical attraction, add a little alcohol, and you have an affair in the making

See...your's didn't "just happen" either. There were signs...and you obviously ignored them.

I could care less how much you want to defend your OM....how good he is in bed....blah,blah, blah......that's not my problem...that's yours.

BUT....isn't it funny....that when your H was a WH he was an [censored].....and now that he's a BS he's still an [censored]?

He's in a no win situation...no matter what.....he's the [censored] in all of this.

That's how YOU see it.

While your OM....well....he's just a knight in shining armor and all around saint.

Well...he is involved...knowingly....with a married woman.

Not so saintly.

Oh....what tangled webs we weave.......

Errn,

Your H is going to figure it out soon enough - you all play pool together! One day you and OM will be exchanging glances and your H is going to catch it and know that there's more. I bet that he will be more hurt by the lying than if you told him the truth. TELL HIM THE TRUTH!

Is the OM married too?

Are there two spouses who are being silently hurt by all of this?

T

ps, I see he is divorced. That is, if he's telling the truth...

My ex-wife had/is having an affair with a still married man. I just don't see how you can build trust when the foundation of the relationship is built on deceit...