Errn,
First off, you never answered my first question in my first post to you. Are you a Christian, and is your husband a Christian? Answer those, and I may just have the answers you are looking for. But until you answer that, let me at least take a look at what you wrote here...
Well, just because I said I didn't want it to end does not mean it is not ending. In fact, it has ended. Last contact was last Thursday. It has been in a downward spirl for the last few weeks.
This is excellent! you see, it matters not WHY the affair ends, just that it ends. If you read harley's book SAA, you will remember that the main couple in there had the affair end because the Om did not want to deal with the mess anymore. Not because she wanted to end it. So, I say "AWESOME!!!" The affair ends. This is
ALWAYS good, for everyone involved.
His reasons for not wanting to continue were over guilt, he really is sorry,
Who cares? If he is truly sorry, then he needs to take that up with God and repent. If he does so, then we will know that he is really a good man that made mistakes. Unfortunately, he wont have to face your husband as the man he really is, so your husband can forgive him. Because his wife will not tell him the truth. Thus, not only will you continue to hurt your husband by not telling him, you will hurt the OM because the guilt will stay with him, with no way of him asking for forgiveness from the one he hurt (your husband).
...my reasons for ending it are to stop all the pain. Pain for making anyone hurt, H, OM and myself.
Very good reasons. That's a start.
I said I didn't want it to end because of how I felt, the euphoria.
As all drug addicts headed to the center to go thru withdrawal, none of them wanted to stop the euphoria. But most wanted to stop the pain, thus they knew they had to go thru more pain in order to get there. The addiction...any addiction...does nothing but mask, and increase problems. It never solves them. As my pastor was talking about yesterday, normal humans have 2 options...to fight or to run. But there is a third option. One which requires more than a normal human is willing to give. One I have yet hear you speak of.
It felt good to have the compliments, the excitement, to FEEL again. Yes, and the thrill of a younger man. These are hard emotions to give up.
Drug addict. All the same. We understand this. Even some FWSs have talked to you about it. And they had to go thru it and withdrawal. While real, that pain is NO EXCUSE for you not doing the right thing.
Now I am left with depression and hurting,
We know. And we are no insensitive to it. Have you ever been in a center that deals with addiction. You see these people going thru withdrawal...in pain. And how are the nurses and doctors treating them in the beginning? Rather harshly. I was surprised when I saw that. I thought they were being uncaring to someone that was in pain. but not so. They were being stern, being the addict's backbone in order to help them stand on their own two feet again. If they kissed the addict's hiney, all that would do is allow the addict to backslide. Instead, they do the things needed to get the addict to move i nthe right direction. Eventually, the addict will WANT to move in the right direction. This is why you have been treated the way you have here. Tough love. And we do want the best for you. That is why we are being so hard on you. You want help, then time to listen to the doctor. Matter of fact, call MB and talk to him. I guarantee (as my wife and I have counseled with Steve Harley) that you will be surprised how he handles you. While loving, he will be very matter of fact in what you are doing and what you need to do. I had a former pastor talk the same way. He said that if a couple came in for counseling, he would ask that both of them agree up front that s the counseling sessions go on, and they all find together what God's will is for them and their marriage, that both of them must agree beforehand that they will go with that. No matter what that solution is. If one of them balks at that...then the counseling ends before it starts. It is worthless to counsel someone that will not do the right thing. All the counseling session becomes is a way for that person to just vent.
...so is OM. He feels he hurt me and "messed up" my life. He feels extreme guilt over H.
No one cares, okay? He isnt here. He hasnt done one thing to make amends, except maybe to stop jumping in bed with another man's wife. And worse yet, another man who thinks he is a great guy. I had over 20 years in the military. I have seen honorable men make mistakes. But, when an honorable man makes a mistake, he fesses up and takes the consequences. The OM here shouldnt even care what you have to say. He should tell you that you have until the weekend to tell your husband, and that after that...he will come and talk to him. To come and apologize. To make amends. But, you know what? I am betting that your OM has no such honor. My wife tried that malarchy also. Said that the OM was a great guy, and proved so by stepping out of the way for us to work on our marriage. ow, in all of the conversations I have ever had with him, he has always lied about the affair. Always. He has never shown one bit of sorrow for what he did to me, to my kids...to my wife. He is NOT an honorable man. And so far, neither is yours. Should we hear of him doing differently, then I would say that we would have to take that back...and he would be an honorable man that made a mistake.
I feel guilt too, but maybe in a different way I can't really explain. Like I said, I feel guilty over the fact that I made ANYONE hurt.
And this is good. As I said about honor above...are you an honorable woman? So far, you have lied repeatedly, committed adultery...and a host of other things. So far, you have shown you are not an honorable woman. So, you go back with your husband and never cheat again...and work hard on your marriage. You are still not an honorable woman. What will make you an honorable woman? By fessing up to your mistakes and asking for forgiveness...and, dont miss this...expecting nothing!! You do that...and you will have people falling all over their selves trying to help you. Look at Sprint and Dorry on here. Dorry is the FWW. Dorry is an honorable woman. Dorry is working hard to regain that which she destroyed. She may not get it, as Sprint is having problems dealing with the affair. But Dorry has done the honorable thing by giving Sprint that option of going or staying. My bet is in the end, it will be that action which will have been the first step back for their marriage and for a future that they both deserve. And one more thing...that guilt will stay with you...forever. Why? Because you refuse to speak the truth and live the truth. The only way to have that guilt removed is to ask for forgiveness...from God and from your husband. Otherwise, good luck with that, as it will always be there and you will always have that dragging thru life.
I know, go ahead and tell me how hurt H would be, I know that. And just because he hurt me so deep doesn't mean I had any right to hurt him, 2 wrongs don't make a right. I never intended to hurt him believe it or not.
and?????
There you go. "I know I am hurting him, I know I am going to be making him live a lie...but....
... But I will try to make it up to him.
You can't!! That's what you dont see. The lies, the betrayal will eat at you, and him. you know he has felt something, that he suspects something. And you know what? He will always walk thru life looking at you, wondering why you have never come clean with him. So, he will hold back from you. He will keep secrets. He will not tell you everythign he is feeling. He will nto be able to trust you with how he is feeling. Sounds like a rosy future, huh?
I will try to be the best wife any man could ask for. Will it work? I don't know.
Nope. wont work. Guaranteed. why? Because the best wife any man can ask for is his help mate, his other half, his partner. The person he can trust to watch his back, to be there thru thick and thin. That person has to be a person of honor. Right now you are not a woman of honor. If you continue to let your husband live a lie, you will continue to be a woman of dishonor. Thus, he will never have that woman that everyman would want. you will never get there living a lie.
Up till now I HAVE been the best wife anyone could want. I have no guilt over that. I have no guilt over having tried as hard as I could to make the marriage work in the past. I have no guilt in everything I did for H in the past.
Why in the world would you have guilt over doign the right thing? This makes no sense.
Can I do it now? I will try, but I don't really know.
Oh yes you do. You just dont want to accept the truth. Funny thing about the truth. You have to accept 100% of it for it to be the truth. if you only accept 99.99%, it is no longer the truth...it is a lie.
I posted that if H knew of the A, he would leave me. I know now he would not.
So, not quite the ogre you thought, huh? But then why not tell him. maybe he is a man of honor, maybe he does, being a FWS himself, understand what took you to where you are. Maybe he does love you, and you love him. But if you do not tell him, you will NEVER know this.
That is the only good that has come out of this, I got a lot of MY feelings out in the open, things I would never have said before. Things that I said now to see his reaction. He answered a lot of questions I had, about his past A as well as other things that have always bothered me, but that I never had the guts to ask him or question him about.
And that is good. God will work all things for the good of those who love Him. even disasters such as this. But an interesting thing here. You get to work thru his betrayal, which you admit has helped you and helped you express yourself better. When are you going to give that same courtesy to him?
I am not sure my feelings go deep enough anymore. I don't know how much love has survived. All the hurt and resentment I spoke about H are real.
No doubt. And you wont know yet. Read SAA. The BH didnt know if he wanted his wife back. The WW didnt know if she even wanted to come back. But they listened to the Harley's, went according to the plan, were always honest and upfront, used the POJA...and guess what? One day, there was a spark. A spark that your OM has no chance of creating for you. The issue here is are you going to try to find out if you still have it, or if it is there? If you two are not totally upfront and honest and get everything out there, and do so with professional help, as well as us here to help you and cheerlead you on...then you will NEVER know. And I can guarantee you will fail.
We have no doubt. I am sure that you didnt enter into an affair in a vacuum. something was wrong. That is evident. But as before the affair, the question still remains...are you going to do something productive finally to fix these things, instead of the destruction you and your husband continue to rai ndown in everyone's lives.
We have always had a lot of problems. This A made me see them all again.
AAHhhhh. But here's the rub. All WSs see the problems. of course, they minimize the good things and good times. I have no doubt you had problems. But I also have no doubt that your marriage was not the doom and gloom you have betrayed it as. this affair made you only see the bad in your husband and the good in the OM. Of course, that isnt reality, is it?
Yes. With help, and a dependence on Christ.
Now this is THE question!! The answer is YES, if yo uare a woman of honor.
Again, I don't know. That is as honest as I can be right now. I CAN honestly say I WISH my marriage can be great, happy, etc. and I wish I could be in love with H, but in actually can I, I don't know.
Okay. This is honesty. This is where you start from. if this statement is true, then there is hope for you, and hope for your marriage. You have stated that you want that good marriage, but you dont know if it is possible. This is a good start. A very good start. Now, are you willing to do the hard things required to get that?
I am not feeling any of that right now. Maybe when the depression leaves, I can, but I don't know now. I DO love H in the fact we have been together for 15 years, but is that enough?
It's a start. Unlike the OM, you and your husband are family. You are now more family than your mother and father are to you...do you know that? It is a start. It is a basis to start things. And a good base. Of course, once withdrawal is over is when you will be able to begin in earnest. But unless you come clean and allow your husband to grieve, and then to help you thru that withdrawal, you are not going to be able to get rid of the depression. Satan is just going to keep using your hidden secrets to undermine you and your marriage. But only you can say no to him, and to take that stuff out of the middle of your marriage. And give your marriage a fighting chance.
Is this the end of my post? I don't know that either.
Well, as we have all expressed, we hope not. We do want whats best for you. And if you truly want that, then it is time to take the TRUTH, all 100% of it, and move forward. No more living a lie.
In His arms.
