I haven't read all your posts, just went back to the first thread to get an idea of your timeline. Seems that you're about 5 months into this drama? Found out about things, confronted, things got better for a little while and then the fence sitting and back and forth started and continues to today?

That's so close to my past it's uncanny. Even down to the OM living a few miles away.
In the end our drama took just over a year to play out. Things would be "ok" for a while, then she'd get nasty and hateful and start moving towards divorce, then they'd settle down and start over again. It finally took her seeing that the OM wasn't all he was cracked up to be for the spell to break and the fog to lift and for her to see what was really going on

What do you want? You say you want things to work out, but you're working towards a friendly divorce? Which is it? Your R isn't past help or saving. As long as things have gone on, it's not over yet. You're getting great advice here, but you seem alot like I was 2 years ago...scared to act on much of it because I thought I'd screw things up. Don't be scared of action because it might hurt your chances for a friendly divorce. Take some proactive steps to save your M. The more you do the less time this will go on. It doesn't have to drag on for another 5 months.
You've got alot of great folks that seem to be taking a personal interest in you....take advantage of it and listen to them.

Your M can be saved.

I have to be honest, I really not that sure what I want. Prior to her betraying me Thursday night, I guess I wanted to try and make the marriage work. I won't go back to life the way it was, and my wife says she doesn't think she needs to change. So what can you do with someone like that? I just don't know if I have the energy to do all of the work to save a marriage she doesn't seem willing to save.

In a perfect world, this never would have happened, but it did. I just don't know.

What I know is, that I still love her, that I refuse to accept this type of behavior in my life, especially from the person I should be able to rely on and trust most in the world. Most importantly, I hate the thought of someone else raising my daughter.

grove, I don't want you to just give up. As bad as my situation is, I have not completely given up on the marriage. I am just taking control of my life and my situation. I have tried six months of being warm, friendly and open to give her a chance to come clean. I am in the fourth month of the 180 where I am not being ugly but am definitely letting her know that I have no feelings for her now and frankly do not look to her for anything in my life. If she does nothing by my birthday in August, I am dropping the ultimatum bomb on my birthday and giving her one month or we are getting a divorce.


I am not 100% that there was a PA so there might be a chance. If she had admitted the PA in the beginning there might have been a chance. If she had a PA and lied about it for a year then there is no chance and there is no chance if there is no complete disclosure or proof of innocence. I have set my boundaries and there will be no waffling.

I hope that you do not completely give up. Just be tough and set your boundaries. If it is one month, two months or ever how long, set your plan and force her to come clean or prove her innocence. If she does not, then I think you know what you need to do. Do not be helpless and play the victim. Stand tall, take your life back and do what is in your best interest. DO NOT let her call the shots or dictate the terms. She lost that right when she turned your life upside down.

I hope you chose to fight and I will try to give you all of the moral support that I can because I am right there in the same boat with you. You may have to pick me up in a week or two and make sure that I hold strong on the course. I think that your are doing the right thing by going to the movie and getting a life back for yourself. I started that a couple of months ago and it has done wonders for me. The sun will come up tomorrow and we will get through this.

I think my fighting days have come to an end. It's up to her now. I think it's always been up to her, she just hasn't been willing to fight for our marriage and the life we created. She's still blaming me for this mess. I could argue until we are blue in the face and it doesn't seem like it would change anything.

If she has a change of heart, I'll listen. If she doesn't say anything of value, then we're heading to the courthouse. It's really that simple.

TA, you, me and Bob need to hook up for a drink!!! LOL

My wife is 5'5", blond hair and 112 lbs with brown eyes. Sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. I'm really at a loss as to what to do next (if anything).

I will follow the 180 plan, but I'm not holding out much hope.

I appreciate your support. If there is anything I can do to help you out, just let me know.

I think it is great that you are still hanging in there. My wife claims she already gave me full disclosure, so there's nothing left to tell me. LOL

We'll see what happens. For now, I'm moving forward with my life, or at least I'm attempting to.

Well, if she's still actively involved in the A, then you can pretty much write it off then. That's one of the more suck a** aspects of this whole thing is that while in the A, the WS has no interest in "fighting for" anything except what she feels she wants. The burden is on the BS unfortunately.
In a perfect, after the fact world, all of our WS would have immediately realized the error of their ways and fallen at our feet in repentance and spent the next months falling over themselves to show us how sorry and changed they were. Don't see that happen very much around here......<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

grove, I just want to throw out some thoughts. If you are at the end and cannot wait anymore, then have one final confrontation sometime during the next week. Have yourself a couple of stiff drinks to get that good false courage but not enough to cloud your mind. Then tell her the hell that you are going through and the fact that it will never stop without some type of closure and action from her.

Tell her that you want to believe her that nothing happened but it would be the exception to the rule with all that she DID do. Tell her that you would not expect her to believe you on just your word if you did the same thing. Tell her that you need proof that there was no PA and there is only one way to get absolute proof.

Tell her that you want her to take a fifteen minute polygraph to prove her innocence and you will pay for it. If she is innocent then she should WANT to prove it to you for the sake of the marriage and the kids. Then you will be able to completely trust her when you see that she has been telling you the truth all along. Tell her that you will take one also as you WANT to show her your fidelity and commitment to the marriage.

Then accept no excuse whatsoever for her not taking it. If she refuses or gives a lame excuse then tell her that you will be seeing an attorney within the next week and will be filing against her on adultery grounds and will be fighting for the children and every piece of property down to the kitchen spoons. The possible lose of her children will shake her down to her shoes even though she will never let on. She will be defiant until she sees you actually going through with it. Also, women have a strong aversion to having a divorce filed against them on adultery grounds. They view it as more of a mark on the rest of their lives than men.

You will get your answer as I will in August. In my situation, I know am going to get a crying confession either on the way or right before the polygraph and then I can decide from there. These are just my thoughts and you need to do what is best for you. However, I know where you are coming from and I think this will get you where you want to be right now. Let me know what you think.

I plan on having one last conversation with her about everything. I'm sticking with the 180 for now, because it's making me feel a little better. As for getting details, it doesn't really matter now. I know what she did and the marriage is over.

I found out a little more about her night out on Thursday. She claimed she sat with him for five minutes and then some other people sat down with them. She neglected to tell me she was standing with him at the bar and that he bought her a shot and beer. Who is this woman???? She's definitely not the woman I married.