Hello, this is my first discovery of this site and unfortunately I come in dire straights. As I read through Basic Concepts I began to feel a bit troubled because the help provided in this suggests something that I'm struggeling to connect with. Basically, that my wife and I had a solid love connection in our courtship. Yes, I remember being in love but I also remember it was a struggle in courtship and those same issues have obviously remained within our marriage.

Let me cut to the point. Today I called my wife and suggested we go on a date tonight and I would arrange for my mom to come over. Her immediate response was "do we have the money"? This is a discussion that has been repeated a million times. The answer I gave, as always is, "Well, we have debt so in truth, no, we are managing debt". A while back we agree'd it was important to date, even if it cost us money. We have pretty much done very inexpensive dates and my mom sits for free <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, let me get to the paranoia part. So my mom comes over and made some comment that meant nothing. She was looking at a new video game my son bought with his money and said "You must have a lot of money!". It was a harmless comment, it meant nothing.

As we made our way to my car, we had decided to go for a walk at a local trail and maybe icecream after (I have a 2 for 1 coupon at DQ) my wife seemed very upset and I noticed she wasn't friendly towards my mom. I said "Is anything the matter"? She said "What did you say to your mom"? I had said absolutely nothing other than we would go for a walk. My wife thought the "YOu must have a lot of money" comment was somehow implying that I shared my argument with her. I did not and told her so. But the mood was there and my wife retreats as soon as she is offended/mad about something.

The date was terrible. We couldn't get over the incident. She was mad and wouldn't talk. I knew we couldnt' even have avoided it and talked about something else. I asked her to hear me out on something and said that what she was troubled with was imagined. SHe said, and this part was just unreal, "Well, since you blew up at me in the garage!".

Here is where I guess you'll have to take my word on it. The only thing I had said was "Is anything the matter"? That was it, nothing else. I wasn't mad.

My wife is also on a church dance team. Every Monday they practice and almost every Monday she comes home saying that everyone is watching her and judging her. It is out of control. She is convinced its true yet I know its not. At best, she looks at folks with wide hurt/defensive eyes and probably gets looks back. I believe she is suffering from extreme paranoia, like a sickness that does have physical attributes, perhaps out of her control.

I dont know what to do. We have 3 beautiful children. I dont want a divorce. I love her and I want to make her happy. She is so rarely happy that when I see her happy I have to choke back the tears because it makes me so happy. But almost every day we meet with misunderstandings like this, one after another. It is tearing me up inside. I'm trying not to feel sorry for myself but I just cant win.

I'm sorry this was so long, I doubt too many people read this all. I just dont know where to turn.

To start take her to your family doctor if she'll go, if not you go talk with your doctor see what he thinks, to me and I'm not qualified it sounds like psychotic depression. I have schizo affective disorder and what your describing seems familiar also my wife suffers from depression and Obsesive Compulsive Disorder. Get literature on depression and leave it around for her to find do not give it to her!!! She will reject it and tell you that your the one who's nuts. Secondly try to educate yourself and watch for the warning signs.
How old is she and how old is your youngest child? Could be post partum depression.
Your a smart man to catch these warning signs most people adjust to thier spouses and adapt thier own behaviour to avoid conflict.
Also stay quiet don't tell her you think she's depressed tell her you might think its yourself, it's a hard play but if done right will change your lives forever.

Be strong for her and the children and work hard on resolving with her.

Thanks much. I was hoping to get a response. I'm really desparate. I tried talking to a friend who has a great marriage, he admits it. He really cant relate to it so he tries to apply some of his methodology to me but fails to see the situation I'm dealing with.

I agree, I cant plop my findings on her. My children are 7,6,4. We had all 3 in less than 2 1/2 years and we are in our 40's, so I know it took a toll on her body.

She doesn't see it, doesn't acknowledge it at all. It does somewhat come and go so I guess it could be tied to schizophrenia. Often she will think I'm in a bad mood when its actually her. I know its hard for her to see clearly when she is in a bad state.

I know I'm not exempt from it here. I'm still trying to figure out how I'm going to deposit into the love bank. Its especially hard when you give it your best and it doesn't work out.

Thanks again, I'll try to follow your advice. I doubt we'll go to see anyone. We tried to talk to our pastor 2 years ago and it just resulted in her feeling "watched" at church.