I suppose I should start from the beginning. My husband and I are fairly young. H 22. Me 19. Got married almost a year ago. We had a melt down, seperated, both slept with different partners. Having regreted what we did. We realized that we loved each other... all that good stuff. Well! I'm pregnant. I had sex with the OM 2 days after my period. Used a condom. Got back with my H a week later... ofcourse slept with him at that time. Without any protection.
So ofcourse when I got pregnant I assumed it was his. When I started doubting myself. Him and I talked. Got everything out on the table. He isn't mad at me. He doesn't judge me... bc either way, honest mistake. But I can see the fear in his eyes on it possibly not being his baby.
I'm freaking out!!! I want it sooo badly to be his... not sure what to do if it's not. Is there any way to find out before the baby is born? What should I do if it's not his? I fear the embarassment of both sides of the family.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
Soooo lost!

May not be H's single choice
	Relax. It will all work out.
	You are way in over your head.
Votes accepted starting: 06/03/05 11:43 PM
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From the timing that you were intimate w/ your H w/o protection it is probably his. That is the time when you are most fertile. I think it is safer to wait and do a paternity after the baby is born if that is what you choose to do.

I think the probability of it being H's is greater also. Also, when the wife is the wanderer, you have an option that isn't available to WH's. Get the P test after baby is born and if H wants to raise this child as his own even if it isn't his, he has that option. I know a lot of people think the father has a right to know, but IMHO, a sperm donor does not a father make and OM never has to know. Or, if you want to be honest, OM may terminate rights not wanting to pay CS, even better. Either way, child can be raised in your home with limited C from OM. Your H will be the main "Daddy" and your child will be grateful for that I'm sure.

I'm relieved to know that majority rules towards my husband. I hadn't realized my options concerning the baby's upbringing.
Another thing that plagues me is...
If it is not my H's. The OM looks absolutely nothing like my H. Which in return, the child may not look anything like my H either... I may receive the twenty questions once ppl start noticing...

Driving myself nuts!

From experience, here's what you should do right now. Do some searching with your state's family law. Find out if the xom could have rights even though you are M'd and were M'd at the time of conception. If your H is willing to raise this child, no matter what the results, then make sure you are legally correct with everything you do. Why? Because if this child isn't your H's, you both decide that you will raise the child as your own together, and the xom finds out a couple years down the road, and the law says you HAVE to let him know, well, things that you may not want to happen could happen. We checked our state laws, and we didn't have to tell xom a thing. The law basically stated that BOTH parties should know what can happen when you have sex, and if the xom(my words here) doesn't file any type of paper w/in 90 days of "suspected" due date(basically, even if the xom suspected that I was P, he could have filed) then he can't come back later and try to claim the child. I believe that this was specific for someone who was M'd and P by another man. Also, in many states, if your H does not contest paternaty, the xom has no claim, as the child was concieved in a M.

I say to continue to be honest with your H. In many ways, let him make the decisions. NOT BEING A DOOR MAT, just work together. If it is a decision that you CAN'T live with, first try to work it out with the POJA(policy of joint agreement, read about it on this site). Read all you can, including the recommended reading on this board. Fill out the questionares for Emotional Needs(EN), Love Busters(LB), and any others they have. Read about Plan A/B, fill your M with all the tools that can help you save it, even from something like this! We are almost 5 years past D-day(discovery day) and even though we still have issues, we are stronger than ever.

Good Luck, and God Bless!

It sounds like it is your husband from your timing. What is your husband saying about all this? Is he willing to raise the baby as his own? You need to talk to him about all this now. Your so young and the only way to find out before the baby is born is through amino. The risk are not worth it. It's very expensive as well.

If you guys want to know but h wants to raise baby as his own no matter what, you can do a test in the privacy of your own home. You have several options with DAN testing.

How far along are you?

My H said he would love the child no matter what. Though he has admitted to being disappointed and heartbroken if it wasn't his. Just as we thought we were putting our mistakes behind us... yeah... it's hard.
I'm almost three months. I had my first ultra sound a couple days ago. The dr. said that my due date is Dec. 20th... which corresponds with my last menstrual cycle but not with either times I had sex. So I'm completely baffled.

You are most fertile in the middle of your cycle. Your cycle starts from the 1st day of your last menstrual period. That sounds like it would be your H's. Like Mary said, after the baby is born you can do a paternity test in the privacy of your own home. There are online websites that will mail you the kits. Good luck w/ everything and try to enjoy our pregnancy.

Having 4 kids of my own I can understand your anxiety. Three of mine were not conceived when the dr said they should have due to timing of period. However dr also said that was because my cycles were never on time. No pattern which made my egg drops way off. BUT you said you used a condom with OM (bravo sweetie. Most young people go gung ho). So I would feel that this baby is your H's by a 95% chance. Also being that the two of you are so young I think your H sounds like a great guy. It seems he really loves you. I also think it's wonderful that you've been honest with him. I bet this is not only your H's but that you two will be married a long time with many children. Don't stress. Take care of you and your family.

If you really want to you CAN get a paternity test after the 10th week of pregnancy.

its expensive if that is all you are doing it for. around 2000 they stick a needle in and retrieve fluid.

If you were for example already getting an amnio then it would be cheaper.

WIFE30: Thanks for the input. How do I go about getting an at home paternity test? Is it safe to use?

CRAZEDMOMMA: Thank you so much for your support. It means a lot to hear you say those things. We are very much in love. We were just immature at the time and being selfish. I believe this whole ordeal is harder for him than it would normally be seeing that he's out to sea and is missing all the first ultrasounds, heartbeats, it's really taking a toll on him. I'm sure it's driving him crazy, more so than me.
I'm just glad that he is very understanding about the whole thing. Surprised would more likely suit my feelings! Thanks again for your support.

CORDELIA: I've heard that paternal tests while being pregnant are risky for the baby. Is that true? If so, what exactly are the risks?

Thanks again for all your inputs!

Hi, I would just bond with this baby inside you with your H, include him as much as possible. When the baby's born, you can get an at home P test through BIO0synthesis, Inc, online. It's $150.00. It's totally confidential and not legally binding. After the results come in, you can decide where to go from there. Normal fertility is about 10 to 17 days after first day of last period if that helps. Take care!

Thanks for the additional information. I was worried about the cost of the at home test but thankfully it's no where near what I was expecting. I talked to my husband (through email since he's out to sea) and he reassured me that no matter what we will be ok. I love that I have his support but you know the female mind. Can't help but worry worry worry.
If it's not one thing on my mind it's another! I'm really afraid that if the baby is not his I will resent this innocent baby. Should I get counciling before I get in too deep with my mixed emotions?

*Praying it's the pregnancy spinning me into a chaotic mess of emotions and not my personal view point...

I think counseling would be a good idea.

I don't think you will resent this baby. It is an innocent child. When OW was pregnant w/ OC I worried I might resent her. As soon as I met OC I changed my mind, and knew that it wasn't her fault that her parents had made mistakes. She's a prescious little girl. This baby will be your own flesh and blood, and I'm sure you will love her!

Ok, this also from experience, do you HAVE to do a DNA test? We've never done one, because we felt that no matter what, Abbi is OURS. Because of our state laws, we didn't have to tell xom and my H was presumed the father and he never contested it. We chose to do it that way, and chose NOT to have the DNA test, because it doesn't matter. Now, if you H is willing to raise this child, your state law provides that since you were married at the time of conception your H is considered the father, he doesn't contest paternity, and the xom is out of the picture, I don't think you should do a paternity test, unless the difference you talked about earlier are racial and not just something like your H is blond and the xom has black hair. Talk it over with your H. See how he feels. If HE really wants a DNA test, then do one of the home ones, but, having lived without a DNA test for 4 years, I can tell you that it doesn't matter now!

No... there isn't a racial difference. Just one is slender the other is kind of heavy weight. One is tall the other shorter... that kind of thing. I'm not sure whether or not a dna test is the exact thing we want. At this point I think that my H would rather leave it alone. For my own piece of mind I would like to know, but it's come down to my H's decision... whatever makes him most comfortable.

In a way you are so lucky compared to me (a BW). If there was any way I could have had the choice your H has and could have decided to let it go and just raise the OC as our own -- I would have done it. Unfortunately, the question of maternity isn't something you have to get a test to determine - <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />. When I decided to stay in my M if I could have just taken the OC into our family I would have -- this whole CS and visitation and court orders . . .it sucks!

I know your sitch will work out for the best. Hang in there and remember take care of yourself. You have alot ahead of you over the coming months and in the end will have a precious baby! Want to get excited about the baby?Just check out Hurts new posts and the website of her new addition!

There is a greater risk of a miscarriage happening if you have amnio. Your doctor could give you the odds. Or do an internet search on amnio. I wish you the best.

I don't want to do anything that would harm this baby. I suppose if I want to know... it will just have to wait!
Thanks so much for letting me know!

I say you should just follow your H's lead. If your H would rather leave it alone, to me that seems he is willing to raise this child as his, no matter what. Being one who thought similarly as you are right now, I'm glad that we don't know FOR SURE. But, like my H says, it doesn't matter, because in all the ways that DO matter, she is his! She is Daddy's little girl, just like our 12 yo. It only took the time that we were in the hospital after she was born for my H to absolutely fall in love with her. Unfortunately, for a while, I would walk on egg shells, even after she was born, around my H in regards to Abbi, but have since learned how stupid I was to do that! Take this time, these next 6 months, to work on rebuilding your M with your H, even if he is gone(is he Navy? Just recall you saying that he was out to sea) Work on your self forgiveness. If your H can forgive you, you can forgive yourself! Take it from me, the sooner you can forgive yourself, the better for your M!