I have posted this here because I was struggling to think where on earth this situation belonged but I thought that someone here might have some ideas based on their experience. You see my problem is not infidelity after marriage which has never been an issue on either side but it is the infidelity before marriage which has taken a heavy toll.

In 1972 when I was 15 my then boss indecently assaulted me and rather than objecting I continued to see him and in the end he had his wicked way with me. In 1977 I met my husband and before he married me in 1979 he knew what had happened. Today in 2005 some 33 years after those events he wants to divorce me and the main reason is that he cannot cope with my reaction to his reaction over that situation.

I want to give him a huge shake and say forgive forget move on but he cannot do any of those things. He has allowed those events to sow a seed a bitterness that has grown into a huge great tree which he has taken a piece off and beaten me with. It is horrible watching his suffering, even though I feel a large part of it is of his own making. It does not help that he is hurting me badly because of his suffering

He is constantly comparing himself to his predecessor which to me is absolute nonsense and not comparing like with like. He constantly wants to talk about his sense of injustice over the situation especially how he feels I have treated someone who hurt me better than I have treated him in a variety of ways. He has repeatedly told me to leave him and go and find this man who in his mind has become some sort of mythical creature whose standards he cannot reach. Now his pain has become so great that he has started divorce proceedings.

I have really struggled with this situation and he knows that I have. It has triggered all sorts of unpleasant reactions in me that have only made things worse. In fact it was because I said that his reactions to this situation were causing me more pain than the initial situation that has encouraged him to decide to divorce me.

As far as I am concerned this is total madness. I love him and want him and most of all want him to find some kind of healing for that pain which is destroying him. I don't believe that divorcing me will be the end of the pain for him either but that unless he gets some kind of help he will be hurting over this issue until the day he dies.

How on earth can I help him recover from this situation?

Susan

My response so far has been to try and lose some of the 100lbs of excess weight. For a comfort eater to lose 16lbs in 6 weeks while in such a state has been very hard. I have stepped up my efforts to improve the house. I have done everything in my power to love and comfort him but he has only drifted further away from me.

I have drafted a letter to take to the lawyer who I hope will deal with my case when I see her on Tuesday. It starts by saying that I do not want to go forwards with this divorce until we have had some joint counselling so that we can unravel some of the tangles we have got ourselves into.

It includes the follwing passage which I am considering changing after writing this post to something along the lines of I am prepared to live with your pain and hope that one day you will be healed from it.

2. Have you ever thought how awful it is for me to hear you compare yourself with the ugly, stupid uncaring person who was your predecessor about 30 years ago now? I have watched you feed on that situation and spoil yourself in the process and it has broken my heart to see you hurting so unnecessarily. You always have been thought of more, cared for more and definitely loved when I hardly even liked that idiot. What has been so awful to me is that my mistake has given you so much hurt that it has so seriously spoilt your life. Can you imagine what it is like to hear your hurt on that subject again and again knowing that that pain is my fault? I have hated watching you suffer like that and knowing that I did that to you has been very hard to bear. Yet every time you feel hurt you start talking about that situation and I get hurt by it yet again. By hurt it is so bad that it is actually a physical pain that I feel in my chest. It feels to me like you have allowed a seed of bitterness to grow into a full sized tree that is pushing you out of shape and from which every so often you take off a bit of a branch and hit me until I am screaming in agony. I am sick of dealing with that pain and wish it would stop. One way or another during most of the last 26 years you have hurt me because of a situation that lasted no more than a couple of months and you have caused me a lot more pain than the original situation ever did. My biggest regret in life is that I allowed this to happen and there is nothing more that I want but to go back and change things but I cannot therefore all we can do is learn to live with it. Surely by now we have both suffered enough from it and it is time to stop it.

Susan

U both could use some serious MC with a plan. Can you arrange a phone call to Steve @ MB? Have you both read His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. W. Harley? Also have you both taken the EN questionnaire?

L.

I have just emailed the legal lady who I have asked me to support me through my husband's attempt to divorce me. I have told her that I will not agree to a divorce without some kind of joint counselling first. I have not recieved any papers yet but I have been assured that they are on their way and it is only the fact that my husband's legal helpers are short staffed that has meant that they have not arrived yet.

I also attached a letter I have written to my husband explaining the situation from my perspective including the thought that that divorce will not stop the pain but may make it worse. In this I also mentioned the counselling he knows I am having to deal with some of my personal issues that have only made the situation worse. I felt that in the circumstances I needed a witness to what I had written. I will see her on Tuesday afternoon.

I have been doing a lot of reading including the His Needs Her Needs book. But my husband's mind seems to be made up and he has only got angry when I have suggested that he read it as well. He says he has been trying very hard and anyone who dares to say otherwise has not understood him. He simply has not grasped the fact that we have different needs and he has missed the mark as far as mine are concerned.

I am wary of a phone call simply because I am not familiar with international calls. I use Durhamlass as a name as I am a female i.e a lass who lives near the original Durham in England, the one with the cathedral castle etc.

I have just been praying and praying that somehow his hard heart will be softened.

Susan

Get a good MC in your area. Don't teach him anything if he has anger issues. Don't take his anger either. Learn to reverse babble and give him back his anger.

Read Love must be Tough by Dr. James Dobson. His Needs/Her Needs will teach you how to communicate with the male gender and the other book will teach you how to deal with babble.

Work on you and leave him be. You can't help him if he doesn't want to help himself 1st.

take care,
L.