I just got into an awful fight with my Mother, I said a few things I shouldn't have said, but ended up leaving before it went too far, but I did tell her to kiss my a$$ on the way out.

She is so hell bent that I am completely wrong to stay with my husband, she views it as weakness, she doesn't like him and what he's done and makes no bones about telling me so, and sometimes I just can't take it, I just snap.

I wrote her this e-mail.

Mom-

I'm sorry that I got mad today, but you're always on the attack.

I'm tired of defending myself and my decisions to you. I made the decision to stay with my husband, you may not agree with my decision, but if you want a relationship with me you're going to have to accept it.

You said today that I get mad when anyone talks about FWH, of course I do, that's my job, to defend my husband. By the same token, I wouldn't let anyone talk about you, I would defend you.

You expect me to sit there and listen to you criticize me about everything I'm doing and not say a word?

You act like my kids are so abused, well that's not true. I am good to my kids and you know it.

I'm sorry that I'm not you, that I don't handle everything the way you do. It's your way, but that doesn't mean it's the only right way.

Mom, I'm not supposed to be running this house, FWH is supposed to. That's the way it's supposed to be. The man, the husband is supposed to be the head of the house. I am trying so hard to be right with God, Mom.

How can you think that I should divorce him? I feel and have always felt that it was wrong, that divorcing FWH isn't what I was supposed to be doing. I believe God has a plan for me, and I'm trying to do what I have to do.

Do you think that this is the easy way? Don't you think what FWH did hurts? Wouldn't it be easier to just divorce him and move on? It would be much easier, what I'm doing is a thousand times harder....sticking it out with my husband. Don't you think sometimes I just want to throw in the towel? Just move on? Start over? But I don't do that, when I feel that way I sit down and I pray, I ask God to help me, to guide me. I pray that God will help me, I pray that God will work on my husband, and make him a better man. That if I submit to my husband, like I'm supposed to do, that God will be able to work on his heart.

In Ephesians 5 it says
22-Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

In 1 Corinthians 7
12To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. 13And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

39A woman is bound to her husband as long as he lives. But if her husband dies, she is free to marry anyone she wishes, but he must belong to the Lord. 40In my judgment, she is happier if she stays as she is—and I think that I too have the Spirit of God.

1 Peter 3
1Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, 2when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 3Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. 4Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. 5For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, 6like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

This is what I'm trying to go by Mom, I'm trying to do what I'm supposed to be doing, how can you say that I'm wrong?

I love you,

Caren

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I just really don't understand where she's coming from, she doesn't even attempt to understand what I'm going through, it's her way or the highway.

-Caren

Caren,

I can't really give you any advice on this except to let you know that I'm in a very similar position with my mother. Sometimes I try to look at things this way: what advice would I give my daughter if she were in my situation? I would probably tell her that she deserves so much better than this and not to waste her time on people who don't respect her.

That said, we don't know how we would handle a situation until we're right in the middle of it. I never thought I would stick around.

Our mothers love us and want the best for us but they don't always know how to be there the way we need them to be.

This is what I would tell my daughter, if a man did to her what WH has done to me. My mom has told me repeatedly since WH left that I deserve so much better. This coming from a woman who almost seemed to love WH more than she loved me...before.

I don't expect that my mother will ever understand why I am trying to save my marriage, having never had to go through anything similar herself. I don't even try to justify it to her any more. I do know, however, that if things work out for WH and me, she will find a way to accept him and love him again...for me. Moms are just like that, at least mine is. Moms want their babies to be happy.

I guess I haven't helped you at all, Caren, but at least you know there are others of us going through the same thing.

Caren - Your mom has raised a wonderful daughter. If my sons commit to their marriages like you have, I will be a happy mom.

Caren-
My mother is the same- well, WAS, the same until I ended any negative talk about my H the second it started coming out of her mouth. Next thing I knew, I was receiving a hateful email from my father, telling me, that because I did not follow through with a divorce (their only advice to me), I was a disrespectful daughter,a liar, a doormat, stupid, and was allowing myself to be used. (Heck, Im still not sure what I have to be used for!)

These hateful things came from my father- a man who cheated on my mothee with her landing in the psych ward under suicide watch for three days. He told her while in the hospital that she'd better shape up because she was embarrassing HIM by her behavior. He refused therapy. He never apologized. He never admitted to the affair.

And my mother stayed. There were no children at home to protect (I was in my late 20s and married, as was my little sister). Just the two of them and a growing silence.
Now they have a very strange and bitter marriage-- with more volatile arguments that now include physical altercations.

So why would my parents get so irate when my husband and I started IC and MC and actually recover? I've been thinking very hard about this over the past year and a half after receiving that email and my conclusion is that my mom secretly wishes I had done what she didn't. She wanted to live vicariously through me. My father's reaction probably stems from knowing that my H will be a reminder of his own dishonesty and unfaithfulness. They find our happiness irritating and they honestly do not get it. But the biggest thing is they know how much the infidelities hurt me- they HEARD it, they SAW it, and they are much more willing to protect me than they would protect themselves. My parents see my marital recovery as an 'easy out' for my H, that he was NOT punished enough (they've actually used that phrase).

This month my parents are facing my husband for the first time in 3 1/2 years. They are coming down for the birth of our third child. Much to my amazement they seem very excited by the arrival of this new grandson. They seem willing to accept my choices, even when they don;t agree or understand them.

Whatever happens with you and your H, your mom will come around. I really do believe that. She does want the best for you and I think she fears he will hurt you once again. I don't think she is maliscious (sp). My parents are hardcore "family values' Republicans and their reaction really shocked me. They even said my 'liberal' attitude (I'm a moderate Democrat) was allowing me to forgive my H anything. I know, kinda weird, huh? But it comes down to them seeing my H as dangerous- and I think your mom is viewing him that way as well.