Okay, now I officially regret using my name as my user ID.

People who know me know I post here so there is some embarrassment in asking certain questions, but here goes:

First off, I want to say that I have only been with my husband my entire life. I had kept myself a virgin until marriage at 22, not for lack of opportunity.

Married for 11 years when WH moved in with OW. Now it's been over 12 1/2 years but our stupid D isn't final yet b/c of my WH dragging it out to be cruel and rack up my attorney fees. His lawyer is a friend of his mom's and is working his case pro-bono.

Back to my question:

What to do with the need for SF if you don't believe in dating before your D is final & WS seems to be the only "option" ?

I know he's basically not good for me in many ways, but he can separate SF from a relationship. Do I venture to see if I can as well to have those needs met?

(It's been awile now.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Is he still with the OW?

Is it something you would be comfortable with?

It is your decision to be sure but I know I wouldn't sleep with my WWXW. Why? because if she cheated on me, who really knows who else she's been sleeping with? I just wouldn't take that chance (beside the fact her mere presence makes me ill and that really wouldn't make for successful SF...lol)

I guess if you are willing to take that chance, willing to risk it, willing to believe what he tells you then......? I just couldn't do it myself.

I'm not even addressing the emotional issues because I have nothing for that. Maybe someone else can step in here and help with that part.

Good Luck

RebornMan

Where is the moral high road in having sex with a person that you have no emotional relationship with? It might as well be your neighbor or some stranger off the street. The fact that your D is not final seems to be a technicality that you want to take advantage of for your own personal gratification.

Why isn't masturbation an option? I don't think it would be any less moral than having someone 'service' you.

Tess,

I understand the dilemma, sort of, because my husband was in my life since I was 15. We were sexually active before we were married, so I went from more-or-less having it at my disposal for over 20 years to having nothing. Bam!

Yes, there have been times when I've found myself really getting a little nutty without. And there was one incident where then WH and I did have SF a month before he moved out, but well into his affair. It only made me feel worse, and it prompted me to go to my GYN for a full series of STD tests. NOT a good thing!!

Since then, I've had none...not from him, not from anyone. it's been almost 17 months! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> And because I fully intend to wait until I'm remarried, it stands to be a LOT longer. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

It gets to me from time to time. But if I don't dwell on it, it's not really a big deal. I mean, there are people who go for years and years without. They don't die. Most live fairly full lives. And I tell myself, what about people who are rendered because of accident or disease unable to have SF again. Their hormones and desires don't just shut down. But they live.

So there are ways around some of the physical needs. The emotional part is the thing I miss most, I think. And that, at least in my situation, would not be possible with a WH or a soon-to-be-XH.

From a Biblical standpoint, you two are still married. But if you have SF with him, that sort of says "I'm okay enough with what he's doing to do this anyway", and then that makes one question why you are DVing. I'd steer clear of the whole deal. Try and refocus.

Just my opinion.

Tess, I wouldn't recommend it. I know how hard it is to "go without" My husband has slept on the couch the past 2+ years and I haven't gotten any sex. Long story why. But imagine him being in the same darn house and not getting it! Anyway, we were separated once before and we had sex right after he left. He was still angry with me for making him leave. I still loved him and hoped we could work things out. At that time he did not want to . Anyway, it was terrible. We always had a great sex life when together. But, because there was no love in it it was awful. He wouldn't kiss me at all, too intimate, and I just felt like I had been used by someone I loved. He just got dressed and left. We both agreed not to do that again. I felt used and as angry as he was at me, I know he didn't feel right treating me "like a piece of meat" so to speak. I just do not think it is a good idea from my own experience. mlhb

I would say it depends on u & what u can handle. If u can do this & just fulfill your own needs & think nothing more of it then fine. We as women usually aren't built that way though.

I didn't have SF w/ my XH for 3 months while we were still M, then 4 days after we were D we were together. I knew it was wrong from a biblical standpoint since now I am sinning w/ him. We still love each other though so I didn't come away feeling used, but I am still conflicted about it.

This is one of the reasons I wish I had kept my D on hold, but since u r still M I say go for it, IF u r sure u can deal with the aftermath & also be safe!

In my experience (and I was foolish enough during my separation to have SF with my now exH far too many times) - you can't actually separate the physical from the emotional. You just end up feeling more empty and alone rather than really satisfied, even if the sex is good. The emotional outfall from the sex act far outweighs any physical pleasure. I'd say steer clear of sex with your STBX just because it's been a while. Although, my advice is hypocritcal, do as I say, not as I did!

JMHO,

Jen

WRONG! Those are the wise words of a person who has learned the hard way and is trying to help another person avoid the pain and suffering she experienced due to her mistake.

Jen don't make this ol' guy get off his rocking chair and chase you with his walking cane to give your booty a good whippin' he! he! he! [as he coughs and wheezes incessantly], you hear me girl? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

TMCM

LOL TMCM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Good to see you're still around and that you're still your comedic but caring self! Indeed, I am trying to help someone else avoid the same pain I chose to put myself through. Although having someone whip my booty sounds a little bit like fun......:o

Jen

So, isn't sex about which you have regret worse than no sex at all?

I agree. It's not hypocritical if you now practice what you preach, or have realized your actions as a past mistake. By all means...share what you learn.

It IS hypocritical if you are willingly continuing in the actions that you preach out against.

Tess...I also was a virgin until meeting WH and STBXH at age 23. We now have been separated for over a year and the divorce is draggin. He is living with OW, with whom he met online via webcam and is only a 2003 HS graduate so god knows how young she is. A few weeks ago, I had sex for the 2nd time with a guy I connected with and was sort of matched up with in the running community. I am not sure what will become of it but it felt good and did lift my spirits as well as my self esteem which has suffered to some extent since my husbands bomb a year ago. We all crave affection and while I felt somewhat guilty after it happened, I am actually glad I did meet this man because there was something that was worth pursuing and it has helped me to move forward.

Cheers,

Muels

Muels,

I think we are ina similar situation. My D is final and H is living 2 hours from us, OW spends the night ( reports from D) but does not, as I know, live with him. I KNOW that we could recover from this, but he is adamant that he does not lvoe me.

I, too, have been dating a man and am considering sleeping with him. I also know that much of it is a need for an emotional connection as well as SF. Am i over my H? no. But I do know that this new man is helping me get over him, and I know it is rebound, but I'm enjoying it.

cm

CM...Actually, the man I was pursued by at a party a few weeks ago and ultimately was intimate with confronted me about the whole "rebound" concern. He is an active Navy Seal and needs to be emotionally focused when shipped out again in a couple months. As I have discussed with him, I really am NOT looking for a rebound relationship nor would I ever ben interested in one. At this point of my life, if a connection does not exist on a deep level, I have absolutely no interest in investing time in a relationship. I didn't go on any dates until after I was served papers this past Christmas. Since then, I dabbled a bit with the whole internet dating scene which I found to be way too unnatural and not that exciting. Ironically, I met this man in a more natural setting on the 1-year anniversary of D-Day...this year brought many more positive memories <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />! When this man and I discovered we had both a physical and intellectual connection, the groundwork was laid for a very passionate night. I think we both got caught up in the moment but did realize that there was more than a physical attraction that intrigued us to explore something deeper together. There are actually more commonalities that exist between us than with WH and I (we are both midwest bred with similar values, both hold an intense passion for our careers, very mature, same age (his b-day is ironically 1 month to the day later than mine), and athletic oriented/he is a triathlete and trains under an elite coach locally). At this point, there is still some hesitation on both our parts with my divorce yet to be final and his work demands which has caused us to pull back on pursuing a serious relationship and rather slowly get to know each other better and see what happens. Regardless of what happens between us, meeting him has allowed me to realize that there are other men with whom I can develop a deeper connection with and get excited about. I was grinning from ear to ear when I woke up in this man's arms and this has since carried my esteem to new levels.

Muels

Muels,

I get all that you're saying and feeling. I am also not ready for a committed relationship, but it has felt good to be wanted by somebody, and the kissing and some other "touch" has been nice. We have crossed no sexual boundaries yet, but it is being alluded to by both of us. when the opportunity arises I don't plan on turning him down. However, he is several years post divorce, so is most likely looking and ready for more, and I'm just not there yet.

cm

Yeah, we all crave affection...this is human nature. I think a slow introduction back into dating is appropriate post divorce and as we start to feel more comfortable, the relationship will progress naturally. I would love nothing more to be headed back in a direction where I am excited to be sharing my day and potentially future with a man. The day I met WH, I was so happy...on cloud 9. The day I married WH, I was so giddy I could hardly contain myself. Actually, to the day my WH left me, he was able to magnify my happiness. However, he didn't strip my happiness when he left. I am happy with my life right now but know that being able to share my life, start a family with another man will magnify this happiness. There is nothing better than waking up to the loving arms of the man you love and I crave that back in my life.

Muels

RebornMan, I always appreciate your input. The sight of your X making you ill I think may be an easier place to be sometimes. Then you don't have the conflicting feelings of what to do.

MLHB, Living in the same house and still going without? Still living in the same house while the A is going on?
I couldn't imagine........
I don't know how you stay sane.



Wow.
Well, I do actually still have some form of an emotional relationship with my WH if only for the fact that he's the only man I've ever had sex with in my 35 years. So to me that's A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE between being with him and some stranger off the street.

I've had opportunities with others but haven't taken them. In fact disgustingly enough a married friend actually tried & I've since lost all respect for him.

I never said that mast. wasn't an option.
I think most can attest to the fact though that plastic is A LOT different than the person you've been intimate with for the last 12 years.....

I appreciate all of your posts. I don't feel alone in this dilemma after seeing how many of you responded.
Thanks!

I think I was just looking past everything that he's done in the name of forgiveness - but then later on I think of the absolute HELL that he's put me through and get so stinkin' angry.

Is he still with OW? Well, his car is still being parked there but he swears they're over with....

We're almost divorced. He used to tell me she was the girl for him and I just had to get used to it. Why would he lie about it all of a sudden? (I still don't understand why his car is still there though...)

CM, KJB, I'm glad you guys are moving forward. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Jen, B61, LL, TMCM,Cind, - Thank you for all of your responses. It really does help to have some input when you're struggling with such a decision.

Of course it is. But, you wanted sex without intimacy...no?

Yeah, I see where you're coming from BA - in response to those quotes. What I meant by that last statement was - since he can seemingly have no problem with being with me or the OW simultaneously regardless of which one he's in a relationship with, should I TRY to see if I can still be with him and find the ability in myself to detach myself from my feelings for him.

I wasn't saying that I didn't have any feelings for him but would want to sleep with him anyway. I wanted to know how wise it was to sleep with him if I didn't know if I had the ability to separate feelings for him from just sex.

I understand how you read what you did and thought I meant otherwise though. My bad.