Everything has been going seemingly well, then this morning FWH says "I don't want you in my bed anymore, you need to start sleeping on the couch" It hurt ALOT, but I said "Oh..okay" thinking this was another one of his lame attempts at humor (Ya' know the kind where he thinks it's funny but I don't). So I said "Why are you being so mean?" He said something to the effect that I should get used to it. I said "I don't understand, why are you acting like that?" He said "Oh Caren, quit whining". So I got up out of the bed, and said "Well, guess I won't be sleeping, thanks." and walked out of the bedroom.

About 20 minutes later I wrote him a letter and told him I wasn't sure what he expected of me, that it hurt me when he said things like that, and I had changed everything he'd asked me to change, that I love him, but that I needed him to try too. He had also asked me to look up how to disinfect our well, so I'd printed that info too and put both on the alarm clock, and got back into bed. I wasn't sleeping, but I acted like I was. About a 1/2 hour later the alarm went off and he rolled over and turned it off and read the paper on the well, and then read my letter, then he got up and walked out of the bedroom and shut the door (I was still acting like I was asleep). He walked back in about 2 minutes later and got some underwear out of the dresser and walked back out, shutting the door again. So I got up, and walked into the bathroom where he was getting in the shower and went to the bathroom. (We only have the 1 bathroom).

I walked out of the bathroom and said "Did you read the paper about the well?" He said "Yeah" So I shut the door and go out into the living room and picked up his shorts he'd shucked on the floor and started emptying the pockets so I could throw them in the washer. I put his belt and wallet on the table and some change, then there was this little piece of paper in the pocket......it had a burger king order for the people at work, I looked at the paper and there's the OW's name right on there and what she ordered. I was LIVID.

I walked into the bathroom with the piece of paper and said "ARE YOU TALKING TO SHANNON AGAIN????" He said "No, what are you talking about?" I said "Really?! Why do you have her Burger King order on this piece of paper?" Smashing the paper up to the glass. He said "WTF?! Jim talks to her" (His co-worker) I punched the glass (I didn't break it) and I started screaming at him I said "You're not supposed to be talking to her!!!!" He said "What, you're my boss now?" I said "No, I'm your wife, and you're not supposed to be talking to that whore" He said "I still talk to her somewhat, my car is still there" (The car with the blown engine that we've never been able to afford to get out of her garage) "It should have been out of there by now Caren" (I was supposed to give him the $$ for a new engine out of my student loan and ended up having to spend part of it on food) I said "Oh, I'll get it out of there today" He said "No you won't" I said "Yeah well I should kick the $h*t out of her" He said "Go ahead, do it, I don't care" Then he got out of the shower and said "You aren't telling me what to do Caren" I said "Oh really, well I'll be calling that whore today" He said "Go ahead b*tch, I don't care" I slapped him across the face, and it escalated he pushed me into the wall, I grabbed the towel away from him and it hit a plant on the back of the toilet and it broke on the floor, he got all mad and started scooping up the dirt and telling me I was a b*tch, I was starting to help scoop up the dirt, but when I heard the B word again I threw the dirt at him, and walked out of the bathroom, he followed me out telling me to get out of his house, I said NO, he said "Get the F out of my house B*tch" I said "NO" he said something else, I can't even remember, and I said "Excuse me, YOU are the one that had the Affair" He said "Yeah, well you pushed me to it" and I slapped him again, and he said "You better stop hitting me b*tch" and then he hauled off and slapped me so hard across the face, sorta down by my neck, that it made my head snap sideways, I just looked at him, and walked away and sat on the couch. He said "What, are you surprised I hit you back?" I said "Nope" He sat down on the couch too, and I said "Do you even love me?" He didn't answer. I said "What is it that you want of me? I'm a person FWH, I need love too I've been doing everything you asked me to do" He said "Yeah, since we've been back together" I said "What do you want? I can't change the past, I can only change now" He said "Yeah well maybe it's too late".

I said "Do you want us out FWH?" He said "Yeah right, like you have anywhere to go." I said "I'll go to a homeless shelter, do you want me out?" He didn't answer. I said "You know I've been doing all these things, and you haven't been trying at all" He said "I'm trying by having you here" I said "That's not enough.....do you not love me? Tell me you don't love me, and I'll leave" He didn't reply, I said "Tell me that you don't love me and I'll leave FWH" I said "Because if I stay things are gonna change" He said "Oh, are you running the show now?" He said "We're doing this MY way, not your way, you don't have anything to say about it" I said "Do you even want this to work out?" He said "I dunno Caren, I can't believe I hit you, after seeing my step-Dad beat my Mom, I swore I'd never hit a woman, but you pushed me to it" (He had tears in his eyes).

Then he left for work, and I haven't talked to him since.

I don't know what to do with this. He shouldn't have hit me, but I shouldn't have been repeatedly slapping him either, it was just such a kick in the teeth to know he hasn't stopped talking to her.....and I don't know what I can even do about it.

What the hell am I supposed to do now?!??!?!?!?

-Caren

Oh Caren, I am so sorry!
((((Caren)))))

I can understand your reaction, if my FWH ever dared use the B word on me... he'd be going to the hospital or something, but that's just me, I just can't take that (and I know hitting is bad I know...).

What he is doing and demanding is just unacceptable. Kicking you out of the bed and demanding you leave the house is insane.

I can't give you any advice because if I were you someone would have gotten seriously hurt... more than likely my FWH. So I cannot really give you a good way to handle all of this.

I just want you to know I am thinking of you and I am sending you my best thoughts so you can have the strength to figure out the next step.

I am sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Caren}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

As I write this a cop is sitting in our drive finishing up the p/w to serve the sl*t with harrassment.

I wish I knew what to tell you but my god, nearly the same scenarios have happened in my house, and in my sisters' houses. Can you prevail upon him to go with you to counseling for the sake of the kids?

Try to be calm and let it blow over for today and tonight, just hold on! I'll pray for you very hard, and I know the other MBers will, and someone who can actually give you good advice, (unlike me) will surely give you some.

Just don't let the violence escalate. It's hard to stop it for your own sake so concentrate on your children!

You can get through this!

God bless you,
Swords

Your WH is a cowardly abuser. He HIT you, and there is NEVER an excuse to hit a woman. NEVER. It matters NOT how he was provoked. The first time it is a punch in the face, the next time it is a visit to my emergency room. YOu wanna make a small bet that he is all "hugs and kisses" tonight as he feels remorse for what he did. You wanna bet what you will assuredly do then, and INTERPRET it that he wants to "recover"

This isn't about MArriage building. You shouldn't be asking a podiatrist to do the job of a heart surgeon. This is so f'ing ridiculous. Why are you giving him FEDERAL student loan money (our tax dollars here) to pay for fixing a car.

He is an abuser, and used the classic line "you made me do it". Your issues CAN NOT be helped by any marriage plans on this site. PLease stop trying to use tools that are NOT intneded to work in this way. You are just setting yourself up for more of this incredible f'ing insanity.

Would you advice your daughter to do a "plan" now to save her marriage after her husband or boyfriend punched her in the face and called her a "[censored]" repeatedly?

You made the decisions to be with your WH "at all costs" and "honor your vows" no matter what, so now you have to deal with the costs of these decisions that YOU made.

PLease go back and RE-READ the post you had about your mother the other day and her feelings about all of this. Maybe mom does know best.

Please remember this is your LIFE, so you will LIVE with the consequences of YOUR decisions.

I honestly think you still don't have a clue how incredibly dysfunctional your life and relationship is now. PLease read my byline.

Good luck.

LM

I'm so lost, I don't know what to do. Leaving isn't a real option, as I have no where to go.

I gave my 20 year old daughter ALL my stuff, because the house that Mark moved into was too small for both of our things. So I have nothing.....nothing.


He's NEVER laid a hand on me before, and he seemed upset that he'd done it, although he didn't apologize, and I didn't either, I was too upset-too mad.

I've been praying, I was actually praying before the altercation, but my temper got the best of me. I'm not proud of it, and I've got a killer headache now, partially from the stress and partially from the slap.

Where do I go from here......I SO crossed a line here today.

-Caren

You can go to a shelter if you have to. Don't you think that every other woman who has suffered domestic abuse before has said your EXACT words. "I have no where else to go", " I made him do it" " I shouldn't have made him so mad". You are gonna get PLENTY of coddling and (((( ))))) from others here, but you know this is not my style, but you must know that I am telling you things for your OWN good. I am an expert on domestic violence (not of my own choosing), becasue there is not a CALL WEEKEND in my life that I don't see a woman who lives adn breaths what you lived today.

Your issues have NOTHING to do with this site. Please seek PROFESSIONAL services (there are free agencies to help you) and GET HELP, not tomorrow, not next week.....BUT NOW !!!!!!!!!!! PLease do NOT just blow of my advice, because honestly, I just don't want to see you in my ED. PLease for your own sake and life, remove yourself from this madness AT ALL COSTS.

LM

Lemon-

We posted at the same time, so please don't think my last post was a reply to you, I'm not justifying what he did...I'm not, nor can I justify what I did.

I'm not asking for a plan to save my marriage, I'm asking what the hell I'm supposed to do in general. I am floored that this all happened.

I KNOW this relationship is disfunctional, and I never said I wanted to be with him no matter what. I was trying to do the right thing, by God, by my kids.......this isn't necessarily it.

I HAVE NO WHERE TO GO....no where. I've been wracking my brain all morning, my parents DO NOT want me there, they told me as much when I moved to my 1/2 double.

So WTF am I supposed to do Lemon? Is is an irritant that I post here at all? You're the only people I can talk to. No one else understands any of this.

I don't expect that my husband will be all loving tonight...I really don't. And I don't enjoy this treatment.

It's so hard, he wasn't this way before, so I'm still clinging to the husband I used to have.......apparently he's gone.

-Caren

You are MISINTERPRETING my advice. Please call a domestic violene hotline. We all mean well for you here, but we can NOT help you like they can. You need help that neither I or anyine can give you right now.

So, DO THIS:

1. Search now for domestic violence centers in your area and call now. This is how you get the ball rolling. Get help to remove yourself from this madness. That is the first step. Please do NOT mistake my passion for this as an attack on you. This is a subject that is near and dear to my heart, so I am rather animated about it. YOu need to 1st remove yourslef from the situation 1st. There are agenices to help you with this. This site is great, but it is NOT where you should be aiming for help AT THIS EXACT MOMENT IN YOUR LIFE.

LM

Lemon-

I am absolutely NOT justifying him hitting me.....I was simply stating that I shouldn't have hit him to begin with.

I worked in the health field too, I've seen women who had the hell beat out of them, and their talking on the phone to the guy that did it.....I know how twisted this is.

I know that today it was a slap in the face, but once he's crossed that line, then it'll be easier next time. Maybe next time it won't be an open handed slap, maybe next time he'll closed fist punch me -- I KNOW THE DRILL.

I'm not ashamed that he hit me, I'm not trying to protect him, I'm trying to think of a viable option for myself and my children.

-Caren

We are cross posting Lemon...........again, the above isn't a reply to the last post you left.

-Caren

Caren:

Irregardless of who "hit who first", you still need to get out of the situation. If you have no where to go, then CALL YOUR MOTHER and tell her what happened and how you desperately need help. No mother in their own right mind could refuse her own flesh and blood in a time like this. Please don't have fear for tellign her b/c she will hamper furure "marriage recovery" efforts....WHO GIVES A %^&*, you are despearte, and you need to be out of that house and situation NOW. There is not a decision to be nade. Make this call now.

Caren:

Please stop worrying about me "being made at you" or me thinking you are justifying what he is doing. I am well versed of what youre mindset is now, and the shock and horror and shame you are feeling. My only care right now is to implore you to get your daughter and get out of the house. NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

LM

We are evolving beings. We are either going up, or going down. And we are shaped by our choices.

My own beloved (WH? STBXH?) used to be a man who had a bad side, who had made bad choices. Now he is a bad man.

If you keep voting for your worst choices, this is what happens.

And I do not mean to dilute Lemonman's advice with this post.

Lemon-

I CANNOT go to my mothers.............she is the dry drunk that you've mentioned it must be like living with concerning my husband, I CANNOT go there. I am looking on the National Domestic Violence Hotline site right now.

-Caren

GOOD, these are the actions that you need to take. We support you 100% in doing this

Gawd my freakin' neck is killing me, I assume from my head snapping to the side, that's f-in wonderful.

-Caren

Caren,

I stopped by real quick and noticed your problem.

First off, BOTH of you are guilty of domestic violence. If he had not of hit you, he could have called the police and had YOU arrested. Caren, there is NO excuse for you hitting him. None! Never, ever do that again.

Because of this, even if police were called in now, you would both be declared "mutual combatants" (I kid you not...let those words sink in right now). And no one would be arrested...or both would be arrested if you all filed charges.

Now, LM is looking out for you here. But I want to take this further. Since we now have a physical altercation...what would be next? You BOTH have crossed that line...what would be the next line to cross?

I do not care how mad you get...you must never again let any situation with your husband get you to the point of going "nuclear."

When he started using the "B" word, you should have walked away. Walked out of the room and cleared your head. Why do people use words like that? They do so in order to get a rise out of you. And he did...and you followed right along. Do not play that game. Do not yell back with your own insults.

Next, you called the OW a whore, which is plain and simple, the truth. But, as I have seen in my own situation, calling the OP a name will elicit a response from your WS that you did not want. Most often, they will stand up for the OP...even if the affair is over. You see, by calling her a whore (which she is), then you are calling him someone that made a choice to be with a whore. And even though true...it cannot help the situation.

Truth sometimes must be presented in a way that can be accepted. If you were witnessing to someone and just said "repent, or go straight to hell," how would that be received. Sure, it is the truth. But the truth without love will never get you what you want.

Believe me, just yesterday, I wanted to say something very true, but very mean about the xOM. Remember, I call him the Troll. But I even stopped using those words because it forced my wife to be defensive. So please Caren, no matter the truth, take the high road. He wants you to go where you did because it justifies in his foggy mind everything he has believed about you and the marriage. And the "whore."

Okay, he is talking to her. Is there anything else going on? You dont know do you? Of course, he is not allowed to talk to her. Most WSs are seeping entitlement out of their pores. They dont want to be "controlled." You dont "own" them. Blah, blah, blah. So, dont listen to that.

He asked for you out of the bedroom...and you went. Why? That is your bed, and your home. Not just his. Legally, as well as in every other category, that is your home. Never do that again. If he has a problem, he can head to the couch. Of course, you dont say that. But that should be how you handle it.

Do not leave that house, unles you feel that this violence will continue. If you feel unsafe, you MUST leave. Other than that...dont.

What you did today has just sent him off to work justifying everything. And the sweet talking "whore" will be just down the street to make up for your actions. Dont you see? He baited you in order to get you to act this way, so he can say "Caren, you made me do this."

Of course he is wrong. All WSs are wrong. That is NOT the point!!!You are supposed to be the adult here in this recovery. He cannot be yet. Withdrawal is rampant, fed by his continued contact.

Now, what to do. First off, you MUST apologize for YOUR actions. Do not apologize for his. Just yours. You caused him to do nothing. He could have walked away just as easily as you.

Second, calm down. You must be consistent. You must be stern when addressing his continued adultery. But you must be consistent. Do not fly off the handle. Do not threaten to leave or anything else. Just keep repeating all of the things you have learned here. Right now, you are in Plan A while in recovery. You will not accept his continued contact wth her. But you cannot make him stop. What you can do is continue to tell and show him that this is unacceptable and that he must stop.

Caren, you pushed him closer to her today. He doesnt want to face withdrawal. He doesnt want to face the truth that he has hung out with a "whore." So, you make it easy for him not to face that truth. Dont do that. Let the full responsibility and blame fall squarely on him. let him feel it.

Ultimately, let God deal with this okay? He can take care of your husband...you get out of the way.

Now, take an assessment here on your safety. If you feel that this will happen again, then you must follow LM's advice. If not, then get back to work. Stand up. Dust yourself off.

Remember, as long as you follow Jesus, then you do not have to fear the future or what your husband does.

In His arms.

I agree, its time to remove yourself and your children. Anything is better than keeping them in an environment where the two adults looking out for their welfare can;t control themselves.

Caren,

Your neck could be seriously hurt...so you probably need to go to the ER.

Be sure and tell them the whole truth. That you BOTH were physically abusive to one another. (YOUR temper is getting the best of you once again.)

I can imagine that the proper authorities will be notified. You both stand to go to jail...and to lose your kids.

You are not going to stop with this insanity until you lose your kids...do you realize this?

BOTH of you are irresponsible in this regard. You are so consumed with him that you cannot do what is best for you and those children.

committed

My neck will be okay, I'll take some advil, and no I don't feel unsafe, he doesn't scare me, nothing scares me.

I tossed around the idea of going to the ER, but decided against it, I'm sure it's just a muscle thing.

Time to pray on this again.

-Caren