Got off the phone with Gaboy a little while ago. Didn't realize his WW served D papers on Thursday.

In his state -- which should be evident from his tag (it's not his sexual orientation) -- he has to sign or oppose in ten days. The divorce will be final a month after that. Gaboy thinks she will just get mad if he opposes. Which may or may not be a factor in his decision-making.

Nevertheless, he keeps getting mixed messages from her. Suggestions that they date after the D, hopes for remarriage, suggestions for a "vacation" together after the D. He's a bit confused.

To put it mildly, GABOY has not done a good Plan A. He's barely had time to process the A. He thinks the A is over -- I think there may be a few surprises. He tends to leap at the crumbs she offers for time together, etc. He thinks he will pursue her after the D. Certainly she has little reason to fear she will lose him at present. Yet the odds are pretty good they won't be together if she proceeds towards a divorce.

I'm wondering now if he shouldn't go to a Plan B letter. She is moving things along so quickly -- and in such strange directions -- I'm wondering if he shouldn't give her a foretaste of divorce.

I'm also thinking, if he's really going to be divorced in a month or two, whether Plan B wouldn't give him a headstart on the rest of his life, if she doesn't pull it together.

Forgive me, Gaboy, if you don't want this. I'll erase if you're opposed. Just wondering after our convo whether Plan B might be a good think for you...

Not opposed she text messaged me tonight but I did not respond that it was over for good because of the drama from last night

Good! Great progress! Don't say anything. Don't do anything. Let's hear from a few other voices on here. Maybe Plan B would be best. Don't do anything impulsively.

You know, GABOY, it took me years to learn that when I got an email from someone, I didn't have to push the "reply" button immediately. I could wait an hour, or two hours, a day. That's what you are going to be learning.

It's just as I said. When you don't contact her -- she does contact you after a day or so.

Hi, AM.

I have only loosely followed GABOY's situation.

With such a short Plan A, if he has no children, then he most definitely should NOT do a Plan B now.

He should oppose the divorce, and hunker down and do a proper Plan A.

There is my nickel's worth.
Gimble

Normally, I'd agree. But she seems to be pushing this to D so catastrophically, I thought she might need to experience a little catastrophe herself to see what she's about to lose. You may be right, however.

GABOY, you still need to chill on contacting her. Don't send a text message till you hear from a few more people.

And I still think a nice written apology to her parents might be useful. You don't have to grovel about anything specific -- just say that you regret having been the cause of so much upheaval and uproar on that particular day, but that you love their daughter very much and the circumstances of your separation (no specifics, no blaming) have been very difficult for you to cope with. Love, GABOY.

They won't think much about it right now -- and will probably continue blaming you, etc. But they'll think about it in the weeks and months to come. That you made the bigger gesture.

I am by no means an expert, but I doubt that a Plan B will bring the desired results if a good Plan A wasn't followed.

GABOY should oppose the D and do a good Plan A: clearly defined personal boundaries, no LBs, deposit some LUs. His wife is giving lots of messages that indicate that she is not sure that she wants the D. Time to give her some more POSITIVE reasons why she shouldn't abandon the M. GABOY needs to make some positive changes in his behavior.

But in the text she said that we were through for eternity

Cant do a good plan A if she refuses to see me

You said she wants to see you Wednesday night, though.

Not now she tells me that is not a good idea, she wants to end it now

GABOY, I have to go and get some work done, but it would be helpful for everyone if you were a little more forthcoming in your posts. You tend towards one- or two-line very abbreviated posts. You are much more descriptive of your situation on the phone. If people are going to help, they need a little more nuance -- which I have tried to provide.

I hope you didn't reply to her text mail. I would just ignore it. Don't be around for her right now. And go out and have a great life -- take up a hobby, learn a new language, whatever.

Last week we ate out 3 days in a row and the whole time she told me that she loved me and wanted to be with me after the divorce, sort of start things slow and build from there. We even talked about going to the beach the weekend after the divorce was final. Well I got my hopes up since I have been down in the dumps and called her and questioned her whether or not would should do this. Big LB!! So saturday night I had to go to the ER due to shortness of breath and chest pains, which was due to anxiety and stress.

Called her to come and she would not get out of bed, said that I was crying wolf. I continually called her for her to come and be with me, I thought she would since all of that talk last week. She finally text message me and wanted to know if I was alright, told her yes. She said that it would not be a good idea for me to come to our weekly dinner date on wednesday and we had to end it now for eternity. Didnt reply to her and she asked again if I had anything to say, I told her ok goodnight and left it at that. Now I have the desparate need to call her which I am not.

Don't reply. Don't call.

GABOY - I've brushed up some on your story - but haven't seen any mention of your and W's age. How long have you been with her? No kids, right?

I saw that coach gave you a lot of good advice several weeks ago. What part of that advice didn't you agree with? Because I think I'm gonna say a lot of the same things.

First of all, it seems you're still trying to figure her out and trying to understand what she wants and why she does certain things. This will be a source of continuing frustration and unending failure for you. If she doesn't know the answers to these things, why do you think YOU can figure it out? No one can, so stop trying. This is the biggest mistake betrayed spouses make - trying to make sense out of what's happening.

This is what I think you ought to do, based on what I've read of your story:

Stay in Plan A IF you can step back and not contribute to the confusion and drama. Leave her alone. Let her come to you. Do not initiate any unsolicited contact. Try to relax. SLOW DOWN.

Do not willingly participate in getting a divorce if you don't want one. Simple. No more complicated than that. When she gets angry and spews crap at you for not cooperating, simply say "I don't want a divorce. I want to mend it (the marriage) not end it." Now, that said, do not try to talk her out of her pursuit of a divorce. Just communicate that you do not want one, you believe you two don't need one, and if she really wants one, she'll have to do it all herself. Don't worry about making her mad. She's gonna be mad no matter what you do, so you may as well do what you think is best for you both. The key here is that you CANNOT MAKE HER DO ANYTHING AGAINST HER WILL. PERIOD! NOTHING, NADA, ZILCH, ZERO! Got it? NOTHING!

Once you accept this, you ought to feel a sigh of relief. Just sit back and watch.

IF you cannot conduct yourself as described above, then go to Plan B to remove yourself from the drama and interaction and try real hard to get this immature woman out of your life for your own good. Let her stew and bounce from indecision to indecision on her own without your help and she where she lands. In the meantime, the divorce might happen and maybe you'll discover that maybe it was the best thing that could happen.

No..no...no... Do NOT ever do this again. It makes you come off as needy, desperate, and clingy. Nothing is more UNATTRACTIVE to a woman than a man that does this.

You do NOT need her. You are NOT desperate to get her back.
She needs to see this by your actions...not your words.

In all honesty, if this was done to me...I would rush the divorce too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

JMHO
committed

yeah but come on if she really cared she would have came to the ER right? We have been together for 10 years 2 of those married

I am 32 she is 26

GABOY-

You really need to figure out what you want, and develop a plan for getting there. All you've done up to this point is REACT to anything she's done, and you've done nothing to ACT to get what you want.

Just like you were told earlier, Plan A is about making you the more attractive option. What have you done since d-day to make you more attractive to her?!?!?! According to your posts, not much that I can see.

For the last time...QUIT reacting, and START acting on your own, with a plan!!!

Gaboy...

The more you can let go of any and I do MEAN any expectations of a normal response...the more freedom you will find in being able to interact with her on many many different levels.....

you sure are handing that one little lady a lot of power to control you...
are growing weary yet....

lots of power in a good plan a....if you can stomach it...

ARK

Not if what all she really cared about was herself.

I strongly suggest you completely and totally do an about face and cut her loose. Let her meander all she wants.

WAT