Last week was the end of school for DD. On the last day, her class went to a pool to swim and have a picnic. I drove a bunch of kids over and stayed for a bit to talk to DD's teacher. I've really liked this teacher. She's been understanding and helpful all year. After a hug and some conversation, she took a moment to apologize. Apparently, the week before they'd been doing the ever-popular Father's Day present. Yeh, you can guess, can't you?

Teacher said she'd passed out the project to the class. It's a tie-shaped piece of paper with room for comments and a picture that was to be colored and laminated. After a bit, she walked around the class to monitor the progress. DD usually wears her heart on her sleeve. Since DD wasn't upset, teacher thought she was just diligently working. Well, she was but not quite in the way teacher had intended. This is what father means in DD-land:

Fat
Awful
Trouble
Hipogif
Enormous
Ratface

DD squeezed a lot of sentiments on this small sheet. She included stupid, poophead, ugly butt, such a slutt (didn't know she knew that one) and the worst. She concluded with Your so bad, I can't belive your my dad! Hate you. DD

Teacher took it and gave DD another one to make for someone else. Grandpa IS getting a nice one. I guess good ole dad is going to have to have a little reality check. Not sure it makes any difference but these are her true, valid feelings. It will be her choice whether or not to send it.

So, all you WS who think it's all about you, think again. The kids are hurt in ways that you could never imagine.

It is good she was comfortable enough to vent and show her feelings. I believe if we stifle our children in an effort to protect them, that we are really hurting more than helping.

The WS should see reality as it takes a chomp out of the A fantasy.

L.

Grapegirl, I thought the acrostic poem was very creative. I especially like the inclusion of the word 'poophead.' She must know that WSs have their heads stuck up their hineys.

Seriously, I wish my kids would vent like your daughter. My kids are keeping their feelings mostly inside, even with encouragement to express them. Although, my son did take all pictures containing his father off the bulletin board in his room and shove them in the junk drawer in the kitchen.

I am wondering how to handle Father's Day, too.

Edited to add: My WH told the kids, "Nothing will change for you." Did yours say that too? Or did he always get Father's Day cards like the one your DD made this year? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

I really hope she sends it. I utterly agree with your sentiments.

When Squid was being abusive to our kids in the throes of her affair she would only spit "they'll get over it". and "divorce is good for kids, OM says his got stronger as a result of his three divorces".<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Now she gets tearful when she thinks of her behaviour then.

All blessings GG to you and your fearless daughter.

The lovely card is in the mail. I left it up to DD what she was going to do with it. I thought that time and/or the effort of making the card might have been healing. She could leave it in the drawer or send it. It breaks my heart to know that's how she feels but I do agree that it's good for her to be in touch with these feelings. It's not like her dad doesn't deserve it. DD addressed the envelop, shoved the card in, fix on the stamp and put it in the mail box.

I don't believe that WH has ever gotten a card like this before. It will be interesting to see how he reacts, if at all. Maybe we should have nailed it on a 2x4 and whapped him with it. In the beginning, after D-day, WH did keep saying that nothing would change for the kids. He made an small effort but never followed through. Originally, DD was eager to see him. Her insistence is the only reason he gave us his address. She has spent a total of 2 nights in his apartment. The last was in January. Somewhere along the line, this eagerness turned dark.

At what point will WH realize that it is really not normal to go weeks without seeing, talking or even emailing your kids? He lives 5 minutes away! He's missing some of the best things in life.

BTW, I did make photocopies of it.

How deep is the fog around my WH? The density would have to be described in scientific notation.

DD decided to send her dad her Father's Day card. The results have been laughably predictable.

According to WH, like everything else, IT'S MY FAULT! I have obviously poisoned my kids' minds. There is absolutely no way that that DD could possibly come up with these kind of emotions on her own. How could she have possibly noticed that her father hasn't called her for a month, attended ANY of her sporting events, been available at all? It is inconceivable that a child could have independant feelings. There must be an evil mother in the background whispering poison things in her ear. It's the only answer.

Okay, a little self examination. Do I say bad things about WH? I try really hard not to. I've tried to shield them from the worst aspects of the affair. I encourage the kids to call him. However, I'm not the enabler/scheduler person I used to be. Will I take the blame? Well, I'm a mom. Of course, I wish I could make it better.

WH lives in a land of make believe. I think he thinks that when he's not around we go into some kind of hibernation state. No self-examination. There's no way he can take any of the blame. And he's too much of a coward to even talk to DD about it.

Happy Father's Day, indeed.

[b]Bob, my wife said those Exact statements. I said "WTF are you talking about? Our kids think we Love each other, they have NEVER seen us fight, and they know nothing of your affair.


She said "quit being so dramatic, you're making a Mountain our of a mole hill." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Everyone gets divorced today, it's NO big deal. All their friends parents are divorced and their doing fine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


This will only teach our kids how to get Stronger and what life is really all about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

[b]BTW, I agree with your husband.


You are somewhat responsible. I know for a FACT that you are taking your anger out on husband in front of your daughter. Don't deny it.

Your actions, maybe talking on the phone and you forget daughter is nearby, actual words said to daughter or others about husband, etc...

You know I'm right.

I heard a good line from Tom Cruise the actor. He was asked several days ago about his relationship with Nicole Kidman and how he is dealing with it.

He said, "MY problems are NOT my kids problems."


Keep your problems to yourself. Your daughter needs a father no matter what. Have you seen a daughter who grows up without the influence of a father? About 90%+ grow up to be sluts. Is this what you want? Keep ragging about your husband in front of your daughter.

She only hears ONE side of the story. How would you like if your daughter was with your husband and all she heard was bad things about you? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Yes...I realize that I will get blasted...here goes anyways.

Hipogif

Where do you think she "heard" this word? It's evident that she doesn't know the word because she has not got the correct pronouniciation.


such a slutt (didn't know she knew that one)

How about this one...you say you didn't think that she knew this one...but here it is.

gg, I really think that you are contributing something to this line of thinking and responding.

More than likely these are words that HAVE crossed your lips and in earshot of your daughter. It would be remiss of people if they didn't encourage you to actually look at yourself and accept SOME of the responsibility in this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Children are mimics...they repeat what they hear. What are they hearing at your house?

I can imagine that there will be some fallout for me on this post, I just happen to think that you need reality more than "support" on this issue.

committed

Grapegirl,

I am thrilled that your DD decided to send the card. Let us know if you get a reaction.....Should really open WH's eyes(or maybe not).

My DS made a card for WH. DS too young(5) to "know" about the A although I know he feels there is something wrong. He made a story card at at school for Dad entitled "My Dad, The Hero". Yeah, right.

Happy Father's Day.

Kim

TA - I would much rather the daughter was told the truth, at least as much as she can understand of it at her age.

I hate hearing kids being told something like "*sigh* Mommy and Daddy just aren't getting along, so Daddy is moving out," instead of being told "Daddy has a girlfriend and married people are not supposed to do that, so he will have to leave until he gets rid of his girlfriend and starts being a husband again instead."

Kids of divorcing parents have been told stuff like Option #1 above for years and years. Because of that I honestly think kids grow up with the idea that after a while, married people just get bored with each other and divorce is inevitable. They get the idea that spending time together in marriage is a bad thing, because you'll just get bored. They never learn that it's not togetherness that breaks up a marriage; it's spending time apart that does it, because that strains and weakens the bond between the pair so greatly.

It also opens the door up wide for somebody else to walk right in.

Should GG be calling her WH rude names in front of the kids? No. But should she protect WH from the negative affect his actions are having on them? No.

By the way, Tom Cruise is full of [censored]. He just proposed to a woman 16 years his junior who he's known for all of three months. He's crazy if he thinks his own marriage problems don't affect his kids. Are you familiar with Scientology? He's one of their biggest supporters, as are John Travolta and Kirstie Alley.
Mulan

My oldest daughter never knew the "real" reason her dad left. When he finally did bring ow around the girls they had a hard time adjusting to it. and then dd found out the real reason her dad left. Talk about anger, resentment oh boy!! Add in how my dd was also resentful and angry that her dad wasn't there for her it was a nasty situation.

Grapegirl, it's good for your dd to get all her emotions out! I always protected my xh from the drawings or the things my daughter would write down on paper. I would try to tell him some things that were being said but I was making it up and filling my daughter's head full of crap. UH why would I do that? Xh doesn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions

I totally can relate to what you are saying!!!

For me I am very careful to not bad mouth my ex. It's such a sticky situation and that is why I continue to go to counseling so I can be the best parent I can for my children

One thing I will say is that little pitchers have big ears. My DD is a smart cookie. Has she heard or seen things? Probably. Do I try to protect her. Yes. Am I successful? Mostly. Does she want to be excluded? No. In fact, she gets really angry if she is excluded. I am human but I am careful. Is it difficult to accept the fact that perhaps a BS does not talk trash about their WS? Don't underestimate the intelligence and perception of children.

While I am a big influence in my daughter's life, I am not the only influence. DD has been surrounded by big boys all of her life. Since she was little, we've had many conversations about if ever she uses the language she hears from her brothers (especially the F-word), her friends' moms probably won't let them play with her. She has a very clean mouth and does not curse. And believe me, there are a lot of 11 year old girls who needs their mouths washed out!

For the record, I have never called OW a slutt. Not a skank, a hoe or any of the variations. Those are not words I use. Slimeball, yes. I don't see that as a particularly profane term. There are so many wonderful, descriptive terms that are not "bad" words.

Hipogrif? I think it came from Harry Potter. Since she's been reading the Harry Potter books and needed something to start with an "H", I guess it came to mind. If there is another meaning, I'd sure like to know it.

Don't get me started about Tom Cruise. "My problems are not my kids' problems." Give me a break. It's an interactive, dynamic system. Most of us don't have nannies and cooks and personal assistants to insulate our kids from us. I live 24/7 with my kids. I have always been their primary caretaker. They are upclose and personal with my moods and energy levels. How much do you think Tommy boy actually does see his kids? Infidelity affects everybody. It affects me, my kids, their grandparents, our neighbors, how much I work at the schools, the sport teams, our income, even my Girl Scout troop.

My WH lives 5 miles from our house. He chooses not to talk to his kids. He chooses not to be an influence in their lives. His side of the story is that he and I simply "drifted apart". It's more like he took a fork in the river of life away from his family. Can he pick up a phone and talk to them? No. Has he ever planned an activity with them? No. Has he ever asked for the sports schedule? No. When give an event schedule does he attend? No.

Sure, I'll take some blame but don't delude yourself. Kids do not live in a bubble.

TA -

You are so out of line and off-base it is pathetic.

This is in no way, shape or form a reflection of grape and her mothering.

Resentful, angry, frustrated - HELL YES. And who wouldn't be. This man has not only hurt her, he is hurting her children.

To say that she is in any way responsible is just plain ignorant, uninformed and inexperienced.

You have zero insight into the dynamics of a family abandoned by the husband and father.

You have ticked me off before, but this just blows the rest of your posts right out of the water with it's stupidty.

I think it is a play on the word "hypocrit". She has heard the word "hypocrit" used to describe the actions of her father...and she wrote "hipocrif".

This exclusion stuff....she should be excluded in my opinion. Your battle with your WH should NOT be her battle. It would behoove you to tell her that.

Again....this is JMHO and I am sure that others disagree.

committed

True but it is not her battle to HAVE a father? Should she not have an opinion about somebody who has has cast her aside?

Do you have children in your house? Do you understand children? Would you go for weeks without calling them? After being told your child was being given an award, a big, lifetime, plaque-on-the-wall kind of award, would you miss the ceremony and then never ask what the award was for? Would you make plans with your child and then stand them up? Would you move somewhere and not want to tell anybody the address? If you had purchased your kid a cell phone, could you be bothered to call the number?

If it was just WH not wanting to be around me, that would be one thing. Ignoring the kids, that's another. Do you think I need to point any of this out to them. We live in a neighborhood of very involved parents. Do ya think they can see whose dad isn't there?

Thanks for the heads up on hypogit possibily being hypocrit. Didn't even think of it because it is also a word I don't use. I guess I've been reading too much Harry Potter too.

gg,

I am talking about YOUR issues with him.

Yes, I have children. I have a Daughter (22) and a Son (20). I understand children...all too well.

I hate to see children who are emotionally abandoned by a parent...which is what your H is doing. Have you looked into some type of counseling for your daughter? It might help for her to be able to talk to someone who is not so emotionally close to the situation.

committed

I've talked about it with her but she refuses to at this time. She has a woman she talks to who is a good friend of my oldest son. This girl had a mother who left the family while she was in high school. I'm her surrogate mom in this state. DD will also have a chance next week to talk with her aunt whose father had a long term affair and left the family while she was in college. The aunt is very up front about the damage her dad did to her. She says that she wasn't able to trust men until she met my BIL, a man who had been seriously hurt by his first wife. She expected to be abandoned and badly treated.

The fact that DD could put something into writing was encouraging. Having it bottled up is worse.

Weaver- Thank you. Well said.

Grapegirl- You've done nothing wrong.