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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 20
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 20 |
How do I focus on the future (that I want) when I can't stop thinking about the the past (and WH's A)? I've gotten responses from others who've said I'm doing quite well this early (3 1/2 months since D-Day), but inside I feel like I'm dying. Today is my birthday and all I can think about is "how could he do this to me?". I've made an appt with my therapist, am seeing her Wed. I don't want to ruin the prospects of recovery because I've read our M can be better than before. It's just sooo hard, feeling so betrayed and hurt and the constant WHY????!! How do you live with the knowledge that someone you trusted with your very life could do this to you? Please, someone, help.
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885
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Joined: Mar 2000
Posts: 1,885 |
I really don't have anything to offer but just wanted to say if your WH is willing to save the marriage you are at least in a good spot. My WH never even gave our marriage a chance. I wish you the best...hang in there and be strong! I know you are hurting and it will take some time. Stay close to God!
Me 35
STBX 39
Dear son 9
Married...15 years (Jan. 20, 1990)
D-Day July 20, 2004.
Divorcing!
What goes around comes around
Sometimes we have to hold our head high, blink back the tears and say GOOD-BYE
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
trish, you can't focus on the future until you deal with the past. What you have been through is the greatest betrayal a spouse can inflict. You will not get over it soon. It takes most 12-18 months to recover from this.
So, don't try and make it go away. Your grief is a natural and healthy reaction to a terrible trauma.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Would you expect someone whose child had died to "get over it" in 3 1/2 months? That is the same level of grief you are dealing with, Trish, so please be realistic about it and don't pressure yourself.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 20
Junior Member
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Junior Member
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 20 |
Thanks for the words of encouragement. I felt early on like something had died (and, of course, it did!) but I never gave myself time to mourn. My mother died the week I found out about the A, and so I've been dealt a double whammy! I still haven't really mourned her passing, because I've been trying to deal with all this. I guess it's true - I have to take it one day at a time. Mourning - that's what I need to do. Thanks again.
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748
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Joined: Apr 2005
Posts: 748 |
Trish,
I think it is important to put your "focus" on today. Sure, we have to deal with the past, but we don't have to dwell on it. Focusing on the future is not possible when you are still in what I call "the dark tunnel"; you've got to get out of the tunnel first before you can get some orientation and make use of a compass and map.
And believe me, you can't get around that tunnel, you've got to get through it...
...one day at a time.
We've got friends here to accompany us along the way.
(((Trish)))
Me BS 44
XH 45
M 20 years
D19
D12
DDay 11.29.04
Separated 12.29.04
Plan A 24.02.05
Plan B 10.9.05
Plan D 2.2.06
Divorce 13.6.06
OW - former friend and D12's x-godmother (Skunkypoo)
OWH - philander, XH's former best friend (still shares skunkypoo with XH)
Anger = drinking a rat poison and waiting/wishing the rat would notice you drink it and the rat die from it.
Redhat
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