Eight months ago my H had an affair overseas while there getting our adopted daughter. He just told me about it the other night because the guilt was getting to him. He says that it is over and that he will do what it takes to get our marriage where it needs to be. We have two daughters and it is so hard to pretend that everything is okay in front of them. I told him the only reason that I will work on fixing our marriage with him is b/c the girls deserve to have their mommy and their daddy together with them as a family. If it weren't for the girls I think I would have left him. Right now I am on an emotional roller coaster going from hate to why to everything could work out, etc. I'm not sure what to do or how to move on???

hurt_wife

Your feelings are so natural and you will feel this way for awhile. There is light at the end of the tunnel and since your husband is willing to do what it takes, and you want to stay together for the girls, you guys can get through this and be happy again.

I'm 6 months out and the emotions are less intense and we are doing well in our recovery. I highly recommend a GOOD counselor. You need to talk about your feelings and your H needs to understand why he did something so wreakless and painful to all of you. Without our MC, we wouldn't be doing well right now.

Please know your feelings are normal and there is light at the end of the tunnel. See a good MC and be prepared for a lot of work ahead. It will be worth it in the long run if you are both truly serious.

Blessings
2

Thank you , Blessings2. We have an appt to see a MC this week. H made the appt.

Help...I am still so angry and hurt and I know I will be for some time. I am going back and forth with the idea of emailing this person that my H had the affair with and confronting her with it. Also, contacting the christian agency that we went through to adopt our little girl from over seas...my H was overseas waiting to bring our little girl home to America when he had the affair with our translator. I want to blacken her name so badly. Should I inform the agency of what happened and that she is not fit to be a translator for a christian adoption agency or should I just let it go and move on?

hurt_wife

HW,

Welcome. So sorry you have to be here, but it really is a great place.

You havea goodchance at making it. You can be happy again.

Most people here will advise against contacting/confronting the OW.

Personally, I see nothing wrong with reporting her to the agency, but make sure it won't hurt your adoption.

HW,
Welcome to MB and sorry you have to be here.
It will be up to you about informing the agengy or not, just remember it took 2 to tango. Just consider if this will hurt your adoption or not. You probably will not be able to "just let go" for a little while.
Please take the time to go to the online bookstore and get the books: Surving the affair...read it first...then Love Busters, His needs her needs, amd fall in Love stay in love.
I just found out 2 weeks ago about an A that ended 6 months ago. I am hurting for you, hold strong and read...read...read...
Check out the posts at the top of the MB on Just found out.They really do help.
JE

Thank you for your responses and for your suggestions of reading materials. Last night I got so angry after my girls went to bed that I just left. My H tried to hold on to me physically to keep me from leaving, which made me even more angry. I just had to get away for awhile. My 2 girls are the most important thing to me right now and so I knew that I had to come back to be with them. Today I'm not as angry as I am sad. I want off this emotional roller coaster! I have decided to not contact the adoption agency at this point because that could mean the loss of our new daughter...I was too hurt and angry to think about that at first. I think I really do want this to work out, but I don't know what steps to take to make things right between us again. I am a very head strong individual that holds grudges...not good for recovery. My H keeps telling me that he loves me and the ggirls and he knows what he did was selfish and hurtful. He keeps telling me he will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage and to get it back on the right track. He asks me what I want him to do, but I don't know at this point. I'm so confused!

HW

This is a good sign! How about :

1. Absolutely NC with OW including providing any and all information you need to confirm this.
2. Marriage Counselling

Whether you are willing to try is a whole other story. I was willing to try but WW wasn't but in all honesty I don't think I could have gotten over it anyways. It probably would have just prolonged the inevitable anyways. But think through carefully divorce certainly is no picnic either!

Cheers,

Miker

I have requested that H keeps a journal of daily events on a daily basis. Goes to counseling with me and on his own wkly. Speaks with our pastor and asks forgiveness. Has no contact with OW and if she contacts him, he is to tell me right away. Join an accountablity group. Speak with his boss and be accountable to him for every appointment he has, he's in outside sales and is on the road alot. For now, that is all I know to ask of him and he said he will comply.

HW

HW,

Sounds like he's doing everything you ask of him to help you recover. This is definitely what you need to start with. Whether that enough or not I guess that's the big question.

I totally understand how you feel. I really don't know if given the chance I could ever look past the affair. Its like a huge big scar on your relationship and your self respect. Do you go to IC or a support group yourself? Maybe that would help you deal with some of the feelings you have?

Hang in there!

Miker

i understand completely how you feel i am there to but at least he is willing to try mine isn't

We had a our first counseling session today. It was very hard to sit there and talk about things. I was so pissed that I didn't say much, only when spoken to directly. More things came out that H had not told me, I suppose that will happen from time to time since the A was 8 months ago. I am willing to hang in there for now and work on things...my thoughts right now are that my two beautiful daughters deserve to have both of us here for them. Does the trust ever fully come back?

HW