Hi there, I have not posted in quite some time. To make a long story short H left the marriage in Sept, 2003, Claimed he was in love with another woman, she left her H and now the two of them live together. He is all wrapped up in psychics and pranic healing.

We have 3 kids, 3yr, 7yr, and 9yr. He has not been coming by to see them very much claims he has to pay me too much spousal and child support. The amounts are what he wanted to pay me we are dealing with lawyers and there is no legal amounts set in stone at the moment.

He calls and harasses me every night, wants me to settle a fair deal, Claims he can only see the kids every friday from 2:30 untill 6:00. I have recently finished my LPN course and I have been getting called for evenings, I call to ask for him to help care for the Kids but he always says no he is busy. I usually have a babysitter in the evening but I need him to pick them up from school and take them to sports and deliver them back to my place for the babysitter in the evening. When I call him he always says to ask grandma or his sisters.

He has to pay a chunk of spousal support in the amount of 1200 per month and spousal support at 700.00 per month plus I get child tax credit. My lawyer feels that asking for 65% sale of the house to me is not unfair because the children will have to move to a new school and after we pay out the debts it will leave enough down on a home for me to become self supporting. I was a stay at home mom for 9 years, I do not have a full time job, I am on call and I have had to turn shifts down due to the fact that I cannot find care for the kids.

He claims he wants then 50% of the time after we sell the house and the deal goes through. Yet he is not here now, he does not offer to take them to soccer or take them to the park or see them very much. Last month he decided he had to go on stress leave and not see me or the kids for a month. Then later he said the real reason he did that was to teach me a lesson to see what it is like without his help.

I am going crazy with all of the lawyer stuff and my lawyer said she feels we need to go to court to have the judge make all of the decisions. We have suggested mediation and he will not go. If he does not have them 50% of the time he will only take them every other weekend. I forgot to mention that he works nights and his new girl friend would be the one caring for them at night while he went to work and also take then to school and I could very well be at home and taking care of them myself because I am only on call. He left a message on cell phone once claiming that if this is because of my jelousy because of the other woman then I will have to explain to the kids why then dont have a relationship with their dad. I have never stopped him from seeing or taking his kids.

Have any of you been through anything similar to mine? Also he said if her takes them or gets close to having them 50% of the time he wants me to pay him for taking care of them to have money for groceries. If we split everything 50% my kids will have to change schools, we will probably end up living in a townhouse with no yard, I worry about all of the change. MY lawyer feels what we are asking for is fair.

Any input would be helpful.

Ok, understand that he is either irrational or getting bad advice. If he were getting good advice and he really wanted the children 50% of the time, he'd be taking them now. Document when he has the kids and when he doesn't. Understand that this won't matter at all, but it will help you counter his claims that he's tried to see them.

What your lawyer has suggested is likely done to make him seem unreasonable. I'm guessing that you've suggested numerous solutions (with written proof) and haven't gotten back viable alternatives. It's likely your lawyer is at the end of their rope and if they know the judge and the legal system in their state, they likely believe the courts will be on your side.
Now, take a deep breathe and make sure you understand what you really want. Write up your parenting time proposals and have a few versions ready to provide your lawyer, and know your limits. A judge will not give X custody when he can't care for his children (nor will a judge allow a girlfriend to do it - typically).

CS is calculated by formula in many states, that usually takes it off the negotiating board. My agreement says that we split work related childcare based on our incomes (and keep this outside of the CS calculation). I have in my docs the "Right of First Refusal" meaning that you first ask the X before you get another caregiver (for more than 2 hours). If you include a childcare stipulation, he'd either have to watch the kids or pay a portion for their care. So that problem is solved.

Now, relax because many parents play these games, including my X. It's really all about you and not about the kids. Do what you think is best (and realistic) for your kids, knowing that they need their father in their lives. Ask your lawyer what is standard in your state and understand that there really is no standard these days. My state is moving more toward 50/50. When my X fought it, he actually got less than I was willing to give. Just so you know, my X has not taken 1 hour of offered time, not has he wanted to make up any time of his I took for Mother's Day or other holidays.

If he is going to be difficult on this, I also suggest that you put in a stipulation about sharing costs for counseling for divorce Adjustment for the kids. They may need this. Also look into a kids support group in your area www.rainbows.org these are really great for everyone.

The book Mom's House/Dad's House has some great parenting plan examples in it.

Thanks for the reply. I have been documenting when he see's the kids and when he does not help with caring for them while I try to work. I want him to take part with his kids yet I am not into him telling the kids they have a weak lung or bad bowels and are more prone to cancer. He does eye irridology on the kids and tells them stuff about it. Every time he calls me I sometimes hear her in the backgroung and my ex tells me she thinks I am whiny. Or he tells me that when I go camping with his sister that she is just going because whe feels obligated. I am so frustrated trying to do it all, in terms of working caring for the kids Yet he does what he wants and then gets mad at me and tells me I want it all regarding child support and spousal support. All we are asking for is in a guidline, and he does not seem to understand that spousal support will go down the more I work.