I sent my "Plan B" letter and had to resend it once -- it's my second Plan B after a false R, so he knows the basics and knows that I'm very dark. This past week I received voicemails and text messages from my F?WH telling me that he still loves me & misses me, he read my letter, wants me to meet him for dinner to talk about future & rebuilding trust. Supposedly the A is over (again).

Here's my proposed response: Dear H, I would also love to meet you for dinner, but it would incredibly hurtful to me to have dinner with my husband knowing that afterwards you will still be talking to the person that you had an affair with. So, if you're ready to end all contact w/ OW in a way that is best for us & our M, then let's enjoy a great dinner together. Let me know...

Ask him to bring NC LETTER to the dinner for you to read so that you two can mail it afterwards.

Good call Mimi.

Also consider:
Tell him that you "...would LOVE to have dinner with him...oh, and btw, have you met all the requirements in the plan B letter? If not, then we're gonna have to postpone this until you have."

He's not ready .... sounds fishy to me.

I advise extreem caution and no response .

When HE says "I am willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this right." ... then dinner by candlelight .. until then, it's just


'deja moo'

same old bull

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

talk=zero value

only his actions have real meaning ... don't forget this

Pep<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Do you have reason to believe him this time? Do you have any source to collaborate his claim that the affair is over? How quickly did this "turnaround" occur?

This is the reply I might send:

"Dear F?WS, as I said in my letter, I am ready to start rebuilding our marriage if you completely and permanently sever all contact with OP. I believed you once before about this and I was extremely disappointed when I discovered you were not serious about it. I am understandably hesitant to believe you again. Before I agree to meet with you, please provide further reassurance in writing that I will not be disappointed again."

Then let him stew and squirm. Do not talk to him.

JMHO,
WAT

Thanks for the responses ---all good and I have to remind myself that I'm still dealing w/ a possibly fog-infected, devious WS mind -- until proven otherwise.

Here's an update: I'm expecting the letter to come w/ him at dinner...we'll see...if it doesn't arrive w/ him, then I will just say in a calm & loving way what is written above and leave the restaurant...I am a great W and deserve to be treated like one (my new mantra)

News flash -- he wants me to go away for a long weekend in Europe (we're on the east coast, and it's connected to a work trip for him, so not really full price, etc -- I have never been to Europe because I grew up sooo poor so he knows this is a dream of mine) -- I've read somewhere that when recovery actually does start, it's good to get away for a while to avoid contact temptation and spend time together -- assuming that the letter comes w/ the meal, should I do this? it seems like it can't hurt -- I did say that if things go well for dinner and we go away for a weekend I didn't want either of us to have too high of expectations -- a REAL relationship can't compete w/ fog addiction, certainly not right after a lot of hurt/betrayal, so I'm trying to set the expectation as let's just enjoy each other's company (no SF for me until he's tested!) and the sights and leave heavy R talk for when we get back;

should I call OW to confirm it's over? what if he spent his last business trip w/ OW and he is just auditioning us? maybe I should call her just to force some truth to be injected into this situation... or maybe call her parents again? thoughts from the pros?

p.s. I'm really struggling with this -- I'm feeling a little like "do I even want this?" and yet I do, but not like I used to after all he has put me through, and I do feel some (ok, a lot of) moral obligation to go forward with this, yet I'm so afraid that he is incapable of real recovery and a good M, and I'm just wasting more of my time/youth...well, one thing at a time, starting w/ NC & dinner

p.s.s. Sad thought -- even if we have a NC letter, it doesn't mean he will abide by it, and this may be another false R, so I actually thought "well, at least I will get a nice little trip even if this M doesn't work out"

My mind is bouncing all around -- I need to get grounded -- anyone have any thoughts / wisdom?? thanks...

Ask him if he is taking you on this trip to spring bad news upon you and ruin it? Of course he make shocked but then look deep into his eyes and go with your gut.

WS like to make that martyr attempt then drop the bomb on the BS.

Then ask him to back up his claim that he just wants to take the trip to be with you. Hm..... no jumping up and down. Be as calm cool and collective as you can be.

Let him know while you want the trip, any bad news or vibes will ultimately ruin it for you. This will put him on notice t/b on his best behavior and be good for you. If you don't feel safe, keep enough $$ aside to make a fast get away back home.

Pray for a clear mind and a calm heart, then go enjoy the trip.

take care,
L.

Nope. No contact goes for you as well. Besides, why would you believe ANYTHING OW says?

About the trip, if you have a good feeling that he's sincere THIS time, go for it and hopefully this will jump start your recovery.

But I am suspicious. What was the time frame between when you sent the second Plan B letter and his "turnaround"? I smell a rat.


True statement about the NC letter. They are commonly violated by the WSs who think they can just patronize the BS and contiune the affair unabated. Other WSs really try to do NC but "relapse" in a short while. Others relapse after a long while. We cannot predict from a distance what your's will do. You have to feel your way.

WAT

Just his willingness to send the letter shows you how sincere he really is, though. If he tells you it doesn't mean anything, that he can still contact the OP, then TAKE HIS WORD FOR IT, and run like hell!

The trips we took during all of this have created special memories that he has not shared with the FOW. FWH even talks fondly about trips during False Recoveries;not good memories to me but important to him. So looking back, the trips were some of the bread crumbs leading him back home.

IMHO, based on my experience, my FWH was sincere about the NC letter each time he did the letter. So I agree with Melody. It's significant if he is willing to do the letter. It is a big step for the WS. It was hard for my FWH to beat the ADDICTION to the FOW, accounting for the False Recoveries. It takes time to break off the A if it is long-term and highly addictive as it was in my case. Be willing and ready to go back into PLAN B...DARK!!