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Joined: Jun 2004
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Joined: Jun 2004
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A week ago, a friend of a friend, a woman, ended a three-year A.
The next day, my friend called to ask for my thoughts; things to help counsel and console the woman, to help her understand what she was feeling (ending the A because she knows it's dishonorable, but lacking any feelings for her BH).
Today she called me. She passed some of the things I said along to this woman. The woman asked her to tell me that the things I said got through to her more than anything anyone has told her in the last three years. That was nice of her to say.
Now this woman wants to get together with me (chaperoned by the friend) and talk in person. She's reluctant to seek professional counseling. I'm happy to do this, but I do not want to pretend I'm qualified to advise this woman.
I can recommend things to read, and I can recommend counseling. Certainly I'll tell her some of my thoughts. But I mean to caution her against taking advice from me, and to advise her to seek a professional.
Maybe the best advice I can give will have to do with finding the right kind of help.
Suggestions?
GC
Divorced July 2005
"The idea that God acts in fits and starts, moving atoms around on odd occasions in competition with natural forces, is a decidedly uninspiring image of the Grand Architect."
-Paul Davies
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Joined: Sep 2001
Posts: 5,906
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GC..
here's my experience....a dear dear friend...found out her husband was cheating on her...
she was a wreck....
It became my experience that this forums set up...
the nature of the beast that sometimes infuriates us due to it's loss of tone and cadance and manner in which spoken...IS the exact thing that makes this site so much more powerful than in speaking it....
Emotions that overwhelm..
hearing without listening...
CREATION of a rebuttal so instead of hearing what I am saying...already planning what to say back...
If you are going to do this..
I suggest the following...
definitely refer her to counseling...
refer her to this site...
AND
see if your friend is willing to communicate with you and her via email....
the pen is mightier than..whatever that saying is..the sword I think...
your advice written down.
without emotion
with the ability for her to go back and ruminate over...cause initially you will make her mad....
and read your advice again and again..
like water on a stone...
much more productive for all involved...
atleast that is my experience...
ps ...you will tell her that if she isn't going to tell her spouse if she is married you will...and that you will consider your responsibility if you agree to get involved in telling the OP spouse also if there is one...right...:)
ARK
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Joined: Jun 2004
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Thank you, ark. I hadn't considered the possibility that I might make her angry, or just that she will be likely to react to things I say without reflecting on them. I'm sure you're right, no matter how articulate or diplomatic I might manage to be.
She's married and has three children.
I hadn't considered telling her husband either... Worms, worms, everywhere. Who opened that can?
GC
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Joined: Sep 2001
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she did...and perhaps she needs to mull over and chew a few of those worms...
I do suggest the email route....as those dang emotions foul up everything...
and I do believe you should tell every bS involved in this mess...
arkie
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Joined: Apr 2001
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Just send her to this site, and tell her that's where you get your ideas! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Joined: Dec 1969
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I do suggest the email route....as those dang emotions foul up everything... I vote for sending her to this site. This site strongly discourages emailing between male and female. That is why the site is here! I especially would not email her if her husband knows nothing of the affair or that she is communicating with you. Send her here. There are lots of people that can help her. Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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Joined: Feb 2002
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Susan's got it.
The relay method probably "worked" because it was mixed with your friend's sympathy and so even if there were harsh messages relayed from you, they were softened a bit, or the WW could find some comfort in what was said (and she will be in "safety first" mode for some time). The friend could probably sense when she might be feeling defensive and backed off when it happened.
And she is female, and you're male, and she's M'd and her H wouldn't be aware of your convo. So, you shouldn't go there. Not alone, at least.
-ol' 2long
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Joined: Dec 1969
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A week ago, a friend of a friend, a woman, ended a three-year A. A three year affair is no easy stuff. She's reluctant to seek professional counseling. I was too and I used every excuse in the book one of the main ones being that I could not afford it. Thankfully I had a friend that prodded me and said I could not afford NOT to do it. Susan <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.
~ Kinky Friedman
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