I found out a month and a half ago that my H slept and sneaked out with a girl I was very close to, and who I trusted. This was nearly a year ago, and I ahve been clueless all this time.
I confronted him and asked him to tell me the truth. The truth came in parts with time, although I begged for it from the very beginning. It came from her too.
Yesterday i heard something completely new, and I broke into pieces again. I am worse than at the beginning of all this nightmare. I can't handle it anymore, I am not going crazy, I am crazy. Can't eat, can't stop crying, can't stop pbssessing, can't work, can't stop smoking.
My husband seems to think I know the truth and I don't need to know more details. And thinks I am obssesing and harming me more by continuing to ask questions.
He wants to turn the page and forget about this and work on becoming a couple again. But right now I don't know if that is possible, and to be truthful I don't even care. Right now I am still so overwhelmed with my feelings that I think I can only concentrate in working on them and healing myself. I will worry about the future in the future.
I am being selfish? should I be more sensitive about his feeling? should'nt he be the only one to fix the pain???? (building a future together or apart is another story).
I feel the pain is unbearable and I don't see myself finding closure. How do you deal with this on a day to day basis? How does the pain go away?
Any suggestions on what a H can do to relief the pain? to compensate.... He says he'll do anything but doesn't know what to do anymore.
i don't know how people survive this. But I truly admire them.

Dear Numb,
Iam sorry for everything you are going through, I too experience the same thing, truth in small doses, which made everyday dday, I'm still not sure I've gotten everything, and you will feel that way to for quite a while.
You are not crazy, please see a dr and get medicated, just for a short time it will help I can promise you that. It helped me. I was trying to stop smoking when I found out, you know what happened there, I'm still smoking, more than I ever did before.
Someone recommended that I read an article on www.dearpeggy.com the article is under "need to know" and it has an excellent letter in it called Joseph's letter, I printed it off and gave it to my H to read. It made him understand why I wanted and needed the whole truth. check it out, get him to read it.
Your not being selfish, he is. He should be kissing your royal hinnie right now, trying to help you, they say that's what a remorseful WS would do. That's what mine has been trying to do.
I confronted my WH about his A in March, even though I knew in my gut 6mos before that, and I still hurt, same thing,not sleeping,eating and crying all the time. It does seem to hurt a little less today than it did 8 weeks ago. I try to keep myself busy and try to find at least one thing to laugh at a day, not matter how stupid, you just have to laugh!
Your WH and you need to find a good MC, pro-M. you might have to see more than one, the first one we had I didn't like, so we tried another,and found a H and W team. Don't give up if you don't like the first one or two.
Tell you H that he just needs to be honest and listen to you rant and rave, just remember,dont say things out of anger, you can't take back words. don't be afraid to stop a discussion if it seems to be spinning out of control, you can always talk later when things have calmed.
I gotten good advice from the wonderful people here at MB, they are very wise and will not steer you in the wrong direction. They have talked me down and straightened me out on more than one occasion. If possible have you H read and post here, mine does.
BTW, has he stopped all contact with her?
You will survive this and my hope for you and your H is a stonger, better marriage than you ever had before.

GP

Dear GP,
Thanks so much for your response and advise. I find that idea of finding one thing to laugh at a day very creative and helpful and I am trying to practice it...
I am definitely doing better, I still hurt and have nightmares, have lost about 20 pounds in 2 months... Its crazy, but I am eating better know and going to the gym.. The smoking is still bad though... Well, one thing at a time right?
About your question, he has stopped contact. At least that is what he is telling me and I am snooping a little to see if he is being truthful. Can't snoop enough though, cause we are no living together.
You are right, I and we need to find counseling. Some days I think I am doing so much better that my H. I feel pain, but I am not ashamed and I feel I am so much more than what he deserves. However, he doesn't wanna see his friends or talk to my family, he is really ashamed (I think). Too many people found out... He normally supports me and assures me that we are going to make things work and that he is going to make me the happiest woman on earth... but has asked me a couple of times why do I continue to see him if he deserves [censored], and that he sometimes thinks he should go away and leave me have a happy life with someone else that is "at my level"... he thinks I am going to be unhappy with someone who did this to me, and my family will never forgive him, etc... It also hurts to see him hurting, and i wish I could help him too.
We do not have children, so our "love" would be all we have to fight for, and the fact that we are married.
I still cant believe we are going thorugh this.
How did your H get over this?
How are you doing? Feeling better?
N

Dear Numb,
Sorry I took so long to get back with you, it's been crazy here, trying to unpack boxes and put things away, anything to keep my mind off how much I hurt.
It's amazing how the DDay diet works,better than Atkins, could you really afford to lose 20? I lost about the same, and I only weighed 110, skin and bones what a lovely sight. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />
My WS also claims there is NC but I can't believe anything anymore, thats the hard part, not being able to trust or believe someone that you've trusted so completely in the past.
I have given up snooping it was just driving me insane, unfortunately I'm still at the point that I just don't care, my heart is closed to feeling anything for him. We are still going to MC, but its hard bc part of me doesn't want to be there, but, I said I would go, I am a person that keeps my word.
My WS says the same thing, that I would be better off without him, (not hurting everytime I looked at him) he's even said that he's hoped his plane would go down, (knows thats my biggest fear) to me that's a ploy to get me to feel sorry for him, and what he's going through, thats one pity party I will not attend.
Your a better person than Iam, I don't care that he's hurting and I don't have any desire to help him through his pain, he made the choice to destroy our marriage, sorry I'm resentful and bitter today. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I hope you and your WS work it out, it sounds like you have a chance, you still feel something for him, and thats a good place to be.
I can't believe this happened to me either, I would of never thought in a million years that my H would do this to us, I ask him why, maybe someday I'll get an answer.
again, I'm sorry that I'm bitter, resentful and maybe even a little bitchy today, I feel a little like debbie downer for SNL. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
Stay strong and please continue to check in and read everything you can on MB.
GP

Just to add a bit; it's been almost 2 weeks since revealation, I've known since it began. She says I will never know anything about the A, she will never tell and that I will never be anything. She claims it didn't even feel like cheating and that she is happy with the way ahead. Wow - cold. If I could be as cold and distant as she is we could divorce now with no 2d thoughts, but I cannot turn and walk knowing I could have/should have done my utmost. That's what I am doing. Don't know the point where utmost is yet, but I am beginning to see the possibility. She says NC, but she's dishonest. Really, the A hurt, but the continuing deceit is angering. Humans are weak and hurtful, and I've sincerely apologized for hurting her - I have. I am in C, she's not. The continuing deceit really speaks to how much pain she must feel. More to follow.

I found out a year ago that my H was up to something with a co-worker. It took months of hell for me to find out that it was actually serious and for him to break it off. He lied constantly, at times I thought I was going insane. At the beginning of this year he got caught out with another lie and eventually admitted that it had been a PA too.It has been a few months now and things are better than they were but everytime I think about what he actually did with her, it's like a shock all over again. My mind just refuses to take it in. When these thoughts start I just feel utterly crushed. My IC says I say the same things that bereaved people do.

Can anyone tell me - when does this stop? Does it ever stop hurting? I'm just so tired of this being my life!

Always