I suppose life is not going to be anywhere near normal for a long time. Graduation is over and summer is upon us. This seems to be the summer of the family reunion. Family reunions are going to be pretty strange when the family is less than nuclear.

I have requested a meeting with WH this week to discuss these events. It's been a week since we've had contact. DS called him about a computer problem that WH promised to fix but hasn't. WH sent an email about meeting with our new insurance agent. That's about it.

Mine field #1 is the family reunion my mom set up that all of my siblings will be attending. It's at a YMCA facility in the mountains near us. During the graduation butter-up period, WH made some noise about going. This get-together starts on my birthday and goes for 3 days.

Mine field #2 is his father's family reunion at couple of states away. This family has a big picnic every couple of years. This would be the 3rd time we've gone. Strangely enough, the family keeps asking if I'm going, not WH. I always do my bit for the family talent show and bring something really good for the potluck. I really like these people. My Inlaws, BIL and his wife are going. WH can't make up his mind.

I've stated to WH that if things stay the way they are, if he goes to his family reunion, I won't. I don't think I can play "happy family" and pretend when he isn't even making an effort. WH can and should take the kids. I believe in them seeing their relatives.

Any ideas about this? If he wants to go, I'm thinking about making it a condition that he do at least a couple of session with SH with me. You folks here at MB often give me the words I need to get results. What do you think? Should I push away or pull him in?

fast forward to October...
you'll say...every year there's a big halloweenie party we throw...problem is the kids LOVE it...so do I have the party and invite husband but tell him not to dress up...OR do I skip the halloween party but make husband take the kids trickortreating...

then we will have the thanksgiving post is coming...and husband doesn't cook...

then the holiday sparkle season...

etc
etc
etc...

grapegirl I adore you ...and your children..but your conflict avoiding all in the name of keeping someone elses peace is tiresome and infuriating...

Silly me thought you were going STRICT plan B post graduation...
had no idea you planned to drag this through the summer..which will bring us in to harvest activities....

you have no plan to end you participation in his creation of this being the reality that is somehow OK with you....

I mean this with all the goodwill I can extend you...

but really...
family reunions....

puhlease....

should we figure out why groundhog day...arbor day....presidents day and secretaries day are also NOT good days to end your part in his chaos...
every days a good day in my opinion to stake your claim in this world without dragging him around in the red wagon you have a death grip on.....

ARK

Neither. Just focus on you, your kids and making your life what you want it to be.

Based on your posts, you sound like a clever, fun, energetic lady who loves her kids. If this guy can't see your value and get his damn act together--then he doesn't derserve you!!

Arkie, forgive me. It was SH who told me not to go into Plan B yet. He asked me to try a couple more things before taking that step. One of these things is getting WH into a counseling session with SH. WH is really against counseling. Given the MC we went to last time, it's somewhat understandable. I don't know if using the reunion carrot as a way of getting him to a session with SH will work. When we get together this week, I'm going to use Steve's backdoor technique with His Needs/Her Needs. Then I hope to have another 1 on 1 with SH. After that, I really want WH to do at least one session together.

Since all of these reunions are informal with no plane tickets involved, decisions can be made until the day before. I'm praying for the strength to refuse to go to his family reunion if the conditions aren't right.
Is it silly to think that a joint counseling session with WH, SH and me could make any difference? I feel that if that doesn't work, it will have to be Plan B.

It's okay Ark, please keep kicking my butt. Thank you, I need it. To be honest, I doubt WH would even come close to my family reunion. Something about 4 pissed-off brothers. As much as I like his family, I need to remember who is blood and who is water. He can take the kids, if they would go with him.

Why don't you set up a time for just him to talk with Steve Harley? Let that be the focus of your talk with him, not the family reunions.

Having him to talk with Steve Harley alone will provide you with valuable insight into what's going on with your WH. He might be more defensive in a couple's session given that you two have not been a couple for awhile.

I agree with Ark that the family activities need to be given low priority right now.

This is why I keep coming back to MB again and again. You guys keep me on course and keep me sane.

For WH to have a IC session with SH alone is a brilliant idea. I guess I thought that I needed to be involved. Some days, I just feel like if I could just understand things a little better, everything would fall into place.

Thanks

I don't know ark^^ but your 2x4's yesterday seemed to have hit me in the right place. I guess I needed it desperately. Something just clicked. I couldn't sleep last night and spent much time pondering what was said to me. It was like a switch was thrown. The habits of 30 years in a relationship die hard. It's time to form new habits and thoughts that protect me and my kids.

Thanks

you're darn tootin right!

grapegirl,

I just wanted you to know I'm reading your thread; we're in similar places, so I can reap the advice your getting as well....

sisterly hugs,
(((((grapegirl)))))

Hi Grapegirl - found your thread!

Thanks for looking in on mine. I hope that you find peace and calm if you end up going into plan B.

Thinking of you!

Alph.

WH and I got together for dinner last night. It was probably one of the most productive meetings we've had since the A started. We've reached the 6 month mark and I think the statistics about A lasting about 6 months after exposure are true. Not that WH's A is over by any means but there are interesting signs.

The biggest change was my attitude. I did not come to this dinner needy, begging and emotional. I have turned a corner. I feel strong. There were no love busters. I did not let his silences get to me. I enforced my boundaries. WH was given the distinct sense that I am moving on.

There is some clearing of the fog. WH's getting some feeling for the consequences. The feeling that he maybe won't be able to just drop back into our lives when he's done doing what he's done. The realization that we are not in hibernation or frozen while he doesn't see us. That it really isn't normal to not talk to your kids for a month. Our lives go on and he is missing it. He sees now that I am willing to call a spade, a spade. He can't hide from the A, his leaving the family and it's effect. I simply told him that there won't be anyone else in his life who knows him as well or has as much empathy for him as I do. We've been together a long time. No matter what happens in our M, we have a lot of history.

WH's workload is starting to lift a bit. He's been so immersed in his project and OW that there's been little time for anything else. His industry is known for chewing people up and spitting them out. He's definitely been chewed hard for the past 18 months. It's great to be dedicated to your job but the price has been high. Until he can set some boundaries with work, he really can't move on personally. I think WH needs a big chunk of free time to reflect on life. He needs to let the silence of his apartment surround him.

Things are not perfect in OW-land. I believe that she is as frustrated with WH as I am. I can say her name and ask about the A without emotion. That's a change. When WH went quiet about her, I told him that I just assume that he is with her whenever he isn't at work. I didn't say it in a hurt way, just a matter-of-fact way. It took the power out of his silence. I do believe he spends weekends with her when he's not at our local pub. He did let it slip that she has "boyfriends"---plural. Duh, like somebody who goes after a married man has any fidelity or morals at all? The only time he bristled all night was when I gently suggested that he get tested for STDs.

WH is interested in doing some counseling with Steve Harley. We both recognize that our last MC wasn't good. WH didn't realize that she came with the baggage of her XH doing to her what WH did to me. Oh my, could there be long term effects from cheating spouses? I've offered to provide him the contact information for SH. It will be up to WH from there. When he asked about the cost, I told him it was a bit expensive, probably wasn't covered by insurance but was a lot cheaper than a divorce lawyer. WH kinda caught his breath when I said that.

So, it ended well. No tears or bitter words. WH picked me up and dropped me off but never came into the house. He didn't make an effort to come in and talk to the kids. Just clueless.

You all can bring out your 2x4's about contact. Even though arc^^ has vowed to never post to me again, her heavy whacks had effect. My sense is that it's not quite time for Plan B. Yet. We went through a month of pre-Plan B with no contact and no progress. That time helped strengthen and center me. I am prepared. Many thanks to everyone for their help and support. I couldn't do it without your collective guidance.

Even though arc^^ has vowed to never post to me again, her heavy whacks had effect.

NOT true not true....I spent a whole day on the phone with Adelphia as the connection was down...I swear if ONE more person asks such personal questions about my MODUM I will scream....!!!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> by the way my modum is just FINE...

then I had be at the last day of kindergarten party all day this week....

listen Grapegirl...any mom who has the annual last day of school send off with the girls and does so with some type of frozen drink in their hands..in my kind of MOM!

Ask me where I would want to move...it would be in Grapegirls neighborhood!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't realize that harley had counseled for a plan A...or else I never would have posted what I did....(but I probably still would have....)

I think your dinner was awesome..
one thing that shows how smart you are is that even with your increased feelings of power...you aren't confronting the conflict avoider head on...for that will surely make him run for the hills...wise are you ...for you offer tastes and glimpses of his BS and then change the subject...

like a hit and run that he's not quite sure he was even hit...but it sounds like you are dead on target....

keep this up...it's like pearls of wisdom dropped lightly in his beer...he might see the fizz but isn't real sure what caused it..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

perhaps another dinner soon next week....
and then withdraw a little...

I owe you one nights sleep and will send some tylenol pm over asap as it is not my intention to cause you stress...

ARK

I don't know, maybe detached mode really works. My dinner with WH may have jiggled something loose. During our meal, WH and I discussed counseling with SH. At first, WH poo-pooed it. The experience with our last MC was pretty bad. (Like at our last joint session, she said something that made him walk out. After that she told me there was no hope for the marriage and I needed to get out of it.)

While eating the entree, I went into my sales spiel. I talked about how SH specialized in infidelity issues. Actually, I said it in a much more crude way and those words coming out of my gentile mouth had a bigger impact. I was able to point out the differences between our failed MC and SH. The logistics of not driving to a session and the early hours was a good point. WH said he'd think about it.

Yesterday, I emailed him the MB appointment phone number and how things worked.

Last night, I got an email back. He thanked me for the number and said he will make an appointment. WH wants to understand why he did what he did and where we go from here.

This seems like the most positive thing that has happened in a long time. Making the call will be the hardest part for him but I think he will. I think he's looking for some kind of plank to keep him afloat in the sea of crap he's in. Is it worth sending an email to MB to say he might be calling or do they track things like this? We do have an unusual last name.

p.s. Thank you Mimi for planting the idea of a individual session between WH and SH. That was good.

Cautious optimism...........

THIS IS GREAT NEWS!!