The fog is very thick with your WH Alph. Use as much force as necessary to break this up. His obsession must not be allowed to ruin your lives.... without a fight from you.

Pep

WAT,

Thanks for sharing that with me, and I'm truly sorry that happened to you.

I am struggling with what I should tell DD12 about the A. From our discussion last night, she doesn't seem to realise there IS an affair. She seems to think OW is just a friend or something.

DD12 is a smart kid, and pretty clued up usually, but she really seems to have the blinkers on now. I guess there are some things about her Daddy she doesn't want to see. Should I allow her to see them, and risk breaking her heart completely? I know that the responsibility is WH - he is having the A, he is the one who left - but it sure would feel like I was the one doing the damage to DD12.

She knows what A's are; she knows what adultery is; she knows how much WH's leaving has hurt me; she knows how angry her grandparents are with WH (both sets) - should I link this information together?

It seems like I'm exposing to my daughter. Seems unethical.

Alph.

Alphin, I am sorry what your WH did to your DD. I protected my DD from my WH's A last year when I asked him to leave. Now I am left with the dilemna of when we tell her she has a brother (OC)? What a mess this all makes. {{alphin}}

Alph

I dunno

I didn;t tell my DD11 there was an affair, but then again Squid didn;t set up home with OM.

My gut says tell her, but I remember facing that option with some trepidation and I'm glad I never told her now.

I DID tell her that Mommy had a friendship in her sport that I felt was a bad one. I resolved to not lie to my kids over this.

She's hurting Alph, she needs at least one predictably good heart loving her right now: yours.

{{{{ALPH & KIDS}}}}

Thank you, Faithful.


What a terrible situation for you. I wish I could say something to help you. This is something I am grateful I haven't had to face (not yet, anyway).

I always recommend telling the truth. What a novel idea, huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

She's a smart kid. 12 is old enough to understand. I suggest you tell her that her Dad is doing something you believe is very wrong - replacing you with OW without first having a divorce. Do not make light of how hurt you are. Do not soft pedal your disapproval of his actions. Use phrases like "I feel" or "I believe". Also clearly state your intentions to recover your family for the good of all involved.

Please consider the advice of others before acting further, but please do not shield your husband from the consequences of his decisions.

Oh, and you are not the one being unethical. - but you already knew this.

WAT

So it is exposure.

It isn't meant to be fun. As others have said, it is war.

DD12 is already a casualty.

God, this will be hard, though. Does anyone else have advise for me? Please?

Alphin,

I say tell her the truth too! My DD was 10 when H started his A and she was definitely old enough to understand all of it too.

They have a good relationship now. She has a lot of respect for me for wanting to work out my marriage and for being able to forgive him for hurting me. I think it was a good lesson for her. She will get hurt in life too. They must learn how to forgive just as we do IMO.

I think you should spare the details of course. But tell her that WH has a friend and the relationship is inappropriate and that is why you aren't together. That this isn't what you wanted and that you are going to do everything in your power to have your family back together again. You must remind her that you can only do so much though so as to not give her false ideas if it doesn't work. But tell her that you love her dad and you want him to come home also but he is in a place where he doesn't understand that right now. Just think like you are 12 and then the right words will come out. I do that with my 4 year old too. I get down to his level and I try to think like he would. It really does work. I am sure she will be relieved when she finds out that this isn't mutual or your fault in anyway.

God bless.

HINY

Have just posted letter to PGA (Parent Governors Association). More or less the same letter that I sent to CBOG.

I am slightly nervous that I have to send them through the school, 'care of'. I'm probably being paranoid, but I'm afraid they'll be intercepted! By the villainous headmaster!

WAT - is this paranoid? Should I change my stationary? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

WH is coming around again this afternoon to see DD5. DD12 won't be here - drama after school. Better run and put my touch of perfume and little tight top on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

No, I don't think you're paranoid - just realistic. But it's not likely a letter addressed to the parent's association or anyone else will get intercepted. Too weird.

See what kind of response you get. But what COULD happen is the headmaster exercising damage control in a pre-emptive way - like going to his higher ups, fully knowing you intend to - and "warning" them about this "crazy woman" out to soil the school's reputation. No different than your H telling your daughter that your separation was mutual.

Alph - this IS war. It's real ugly. In politics, war, and adultery, truth is always the first casualty.

WAT

Alpnin,
I wish I had told my oldest two daughters the truth from the beginning (they were 12 and 13 at the time) They knew we were having problems, and that I was very upset. My husband sat them down and told them he had hurt me very badly, but he was trying hard to make it up to me. He told them we would have hard times, but not to worry about divorce, etc. He took full blame, but both of us decided not to give them the details. I later found out they assumed he had not been supportive enough during my mothers illness and death two weeks prior to DD.

About three months after Dday, they got off the bus crying because they had heard the truth from some High school boys who were making jokes about the neighborhood wh*re. They wanted to know how their dad liked her. Turns out OW's husband told their friends, who used it as gossip. I wish I had told them the truth, gently, so they didn't have to hear it in that way.

ouch ... what a horrible story!

infidelity is so ugly ...

yuk

Starting Again,

That is very sad. I think is I do tell her I'll just be confirming my DD12's worst fears - as I said, she seems to have blinkers on regarding her Daddy, but she knows that he is living with OW.

Thank you.

Alph.

Ask your daughter if she has any questions about things ... and only answer what she says she wants to know.

If she says... "What's going on with Daddy and OW?"

ask her back "Tell me what you think is going on first."

then correct any harmful misconceptions.

that's what I would do

Pep

And there's something else -

DD5 keeps drawing pictures for OW! She draws all the time anyway (pictures of the family of four standing in a garden, holding hands etc) - it's a form of therapy for her, I guess, but should I let her give pictures she has drawn to WH to give to OW?

I expect this sounds silly - they're just pictures - but won't this make WH think that everything is OK with DD5 if she does this?

Alph.

WHY is the fog so thick with my idiot WH? Is it because he is so in love with OW? Or because he feels so guilty? Is the fog thicker the guiltier a WS feels? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

*grasping at straws - again*

Alph.

Edited to change 'WH' to 'WS' to avoid WAT's 2x4 again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph - I believe fog gets thicker when it has to. I.e., the apparent thickness of the fog is proportional to the amount of rationalization needed to justify the behavior.

Stupid is as stupid does.

But we are foolish to try to ANALyze stuff like this. Ya can't make sense out of non-sense.

WAT

It's thick because he's actually a decent guy ... and he has to hide (fog up) his values completely from himself in order to justify what he's doing. He is telling himself some WHOPPERS to keep his conscience from nagging at him.

Pep

Alph

The fog is thickest in classII or 'entangled' affairs. Thats what you got and I what I dealt with too.

The delusion is greatest in these type of affairs.

My GREAT friend Gimble explains it wonderfully as follows:


It can be beaten though, take heart.

The force is strong in you, O nice M&S sun-topped one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

When they move in together is when the fantasy usually starts to crumble and exposure can help hugely.

He farts in bed, she fries eggs too runny, he wears socks for sex, she doesn't shave her legs....the SF and flattery doesn't compensate after a while.

Only a few very persistent affairs continue long after cohabiting.

You are working the program and WH is conforming to the template right now.

Study, study , study.

The English fart?

I didn't know that .... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />