Academic really, as I've already begun exposure, but most affairs die out anyway.

Even if I'd sat at home and cried and done nothing to put pressure on the A, it probably would end anyway within two years.

I know I'm trying to end it more quickly. It's better if it ends quickly, rather than drags on.

I suppose I need to end it quickly for my own sake. So I don't get fed up and end the marriage myself!

Alph.

"Is this because of the damage to the WS's reputation, Aphelion? Perhaps the feeling that they have gone too far to reconcile? Or do they never forgive the BS for exposing them?"

All of the above. As WAT says, exposure is icky medicine to the WS. The bigger the exposure the more potential side effects.

Ever widening exposure as required is the general recommendation. Up to and including a public billboard. Killing the A should be the second priority. Otherwise the M has no chance whatsoever and no matter what.

(For me, first priority is taking care of oneself and one's children during this trial.)


"It's better if it ends quickly, rather than drags on."

True for many reasons. For one thing, the longer the A continues the more attachment grows. Attachment is different than love. Check out some of Cerri's old threads on this. Or go to SYMC and search for articles on attachment. You certainly don't want to end up dealing with an LTA a few years from now.

In any case I see you outgrowing him very nicely if he doesn't teleport back to planet earth pretty soon. IMO you should not just hang on by your fingernails for two years. Ugh. Or even for another 6 months. Plan A is not meant to last that long. That just trains the WS to eat cake. You should be in Plan B and moving on with your life by then.

Don't panic. Anxiety attacks are very common in the life of a BS. This thread discussed you seeing your Dr about AD's. Certain AD's are a great help in controlling anxiety

I'm certainly no expert, but it appears to me that your WS's A has all the hallmarks of a short one. I certainly can't say how short but quite a bit less than two years. Apply increasing exposure, financial pressure, Plan A and Plan B by the book and he will creep back to your doorstep sooner than later.

And if you outgrow him and move on before then, it will be his unending loss.


Other issue: did you call Al-Anon today?

Blimey, Aphelion - what's up with the apostrophes this evening? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I didn't call Al Anon today. I got distracted and called MarriageCare instead (UK Catholic - and therefore PRO marriage MC - unlike stupid Relate which doesn't support marriage at all as far as I can see). I also was waiting for someone from social security to call round - he didn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

No excuses, tho - I will look Al Anon up tomorrow.

What is LTA, please?

And also, please, why do you think WH's affair has the hallmarks of a short A? (it started just before Christmas, PA anyway, probably EA some time before that. I found out at the beginning of April, as you know).

Thanks for your continuing support!

Alph.

The alcohol factor.

The financial factor.

The omelet factor.

Perhaps just intuition from so much reading here. Read enough of these sordid tales and they all start to sound so much alike. The kind of A your H is in all die with the same fizzle under the two years extreme - especially if you handle yourself in the recommended MB way.

So, of course, there is the very important Alphin factor.

And I pray for you and your family. That will help most of all, I guarantee it.


PS: LTA - Long Term Affair. My W's lasted 10 years.

PPS: Yeah, I don't get the apostrophe business either. I have to edit them after pasting from MS Word. Just started yesterday. Must have something to do with that quake off the Pacific Coast!

I came across this site today and thought of you, Alphin.

New Treatment for Crohn' s Disease

I found it interesting albeit a different approach.

I've been advised to make my Plan A a short one, and then move to Plan B (Plan A isn't likely to work for me, it seems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> )

How long should I do plan B before plan d? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ALph.

Alphin

I have told you that advice from these boards is like drinking from a hosepipe.

This is why I keep telling you to STUDY CALMLY.

The smartest people here try to interpret the best MB course of action based upon tehinfo you give them. And others like me just drool on our keyboards <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IF Your H has a real addiction other than his temporary one for Tortilla Espanol THEN not just MB but ANY emtional interaction is probably not going to be effective with him because his senses and emotions would be dulled and corrupted by his addiction.

BUT just know that all of us here bring our own baggage and experiences with us. Some of us have an axe to grind against certain sports ( grrr) and som of us ar eparticularly sensitive to domestic abuse, drug abuse or alcohol abuse. Someone sat in Australia, the US or even Liverpool cannot determine if yoru H is an alcoholic. They can suggest you CONSIDER the possibility but this is NOTHING to panic about !

KiwiJ was pissed most of the time during and after her A, yet her BHs plan A worked wonderfully. ( I hate to keep referring to my dear Jen in negative ways as she is SO recovered these days its hard to ascribe suh behaviours to her now). My own dear Squid was mostly pissed too during her A and most of withdrawal. Two bottles of wine a day in an 8 1/2 stone woman is a LOT, but my plan A and othe rstuf seems to have been effective on her.

OM GF in my sit told me OM drunk himselkf to sleep every night for MONTHS, yet he recovered and laid off the sauce.

So Alph you MUSt start taking this advice in context.

Plan A only makes sense for a few months ANYWAY but SHOULD continue long enough to recover a good impression after Exposure hits IMO.

There is NOTHING exceptional in your sit other than your sand which is impressing the heck out of many folks.

Don't panic Alph. Plan A is a part of MB as is Plan B. A great Plan A is the BEST grounding for plan B. And all teh signs would indicate it will be very hard for WH and Tortilla to stay together for too long.

Study, review advice and your options and act as you think fit.

Drive exposure, persue plan A for a while after expsoure, plan B if the A doesn't end and you find your love for WH slipping away....and the most annoying part of MB ? Time and patience.

TIME is your biggest ally in this. It takes ON AVERAGE two years to recover from an affair. You're , what, eight weeks in ? Need more patience darl'.

Uplift yourself ! You're doing great ! I haven't seen a FIFTH as many cases as the wise head on here have and even i SEE great hope for you !

{{{{Alph }}}}

Thank you b0b.

It's just a bit of a shock to be told that I may have to cut my plan A short. I don't feel that I've had nearly enough time to fill up the ol' love bank for WH.

He's been a heavy drinker for years, b0b. I don't know if he is an alcoholic, though. Sometimes I think it is just habit, other times I think it's much more serious than that.

It's like you say - I have to start facing the fact that he is gone, I've already lost him. After that, anything positive that happens is a bonus. It's just so hard to accept that I may very well end up on my own, and lonely. People don't understand how I can say that when I have the kids living with me, but it's true.

I can't imagine finding anyone else who's good enough for them - can't imagine even trying.

I try to take the advise I am given in context, apply it to my sitch, but I just seem to make no progress - the man is so damn stubborn! I just feel he's sulking at me, I don't know.

No-one could take his place for me.

Alph.

Alphin....my situation still makes mouths hang open amongst the wise heads on here because of its lightning speed, yet it took me three months to get to a NC letter and recovery has been EXTRA slow because I busted the affair at its absolute peak. Your sit isn't slow, just normal.

Those feelings you have about replacing H, dating, a father to the kids etc is why we need to not overlook our personal healing.

Once Squid got through early withdrawal and resembled a human being again I told her these fears and to her credit she JUMPED on that horse with relish : became a CARTOON wonderful Mom and actively started meeting my needs, stated and assumed too.

I said to Squid a few weeks ago over lunch ( we started eating lunches out when I'm working from home as part of our 15 hours per week together time - works well!) "thank you for coming back to me, or I would have had to date horses like THAT poor lass over there !" (pointed at a perfectly innocent, but strangely assembled girl in an adjacent booth).

Squid said a couple of things " Well, I never left you. Only physically... and besides, a man as wonderful as you would NEVER have to settle for someone you didn't like. I am blessed to have YOU back, and I am thankful every day".

I floated home I think, rather than walked. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You will be just fine. No need to rush anything but exposure.

Hello Alphin,
just read up on your story.
Don't have time to read up all of it right now, but (((((Alphin))))) I'm thinking of you my dear.
Whatever happens - you do have wonderful children that will be with you all your life <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

Thank you , Brownhair.

My children are my comfort. I just wish their father could consider their needs a little more, now. He is desperate to see them - sees them about three/four times a week. But it is a selfish need, just to ease his own pain and guilt. He thinks that if he sees them as often as this, if he pretends that all is just as it was before, except that he no longer lives with us, then they will be unaffected, they will be OK.

They are not.

DD5 suffers less than dd12, but she suffers still. DD12 is losing respect for her Daddy. She knows what he has done is wrong, and she worries far too much for a young girl about the effect his betrayal has on me. I worry so much about her. So much for WH's assertion that the split would be great for everyone; that it would make us all happy!

Alph.

Alph
My dear Squid verbally abused and abandoned our children during her affair. Her reponse to my pointing that out was " kids are risilient - they'll get over it !".

She even told me that "OM says divorce was good for his estranged kids, kept them tough". She also stole the kids college account money...

I reminded her of this in a R discussion a few weeks ago and she cried in her hands while I held her.

Affairs make decent people behave like monsters Alph. Your WH will come around. Almost all of them do.

It's like a trainwreck, this whole thing!

Absolute chaos and carnage. I feel like WH and I are both reporters at the scene of this trainwreck, and I'm there, telling it like it is, but WH is describing some garden party!

CSA man is coming around again today. Hooray! Perhaps he'll double the amount WH has to pay me because he (CSA man) didn't turn up yesterday. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Not likely, I guess. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Best of luck with CSA bloke. Hide your nice M&S tops and put on well washed baggies and trackie bottoms remember !

And speak like Vicky Pollard !

But by exposing instead of sitting doing nothing you are sending a clear message to your WH

"I will fight for my marriage....your affair is not right"

And when he asks why you expose and you tell him "because I love you and would like to heal our marriage" he will see from your *actions* that you do. It could find a chink in the fog.

My husband's actions meant far more than his words during high fog. Now I can remember his words (hear them) and it makes me tingle.

Hi Alph -

Nor will you be able to "fill" it.

The point of Plan A is to make whatever changes in YOU that you need to make that can improve the marriage environment, then demonstrate those changes to your spouse. Usually these changes involve improvements in meeting ENs and/or lessening LBs. Your spouse sees the improvements - although he may not acknowledge them - and they register. You shouldn't expect to be filling the love bank. You're showing you now know how to deposit and hopefully the WS will start taking deposits - or realize your deposits are pretty good afterall - when the OW starts losing her sheen.

Academically, you know this, right?

WAT

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Yes. Sounds like the same thing to me, but just a kind of time-delayed version of love-bank filling.

WAT.

Do you think there is any point in further discussion with the headmaster?

Any point in telling him how far I am willing to go to expose the affair, and his complicity in it?

I thought I might contact him through the chaplain (who isn't back in school until Monday now).

Alph.

Q. How can you tell an Iberian airplane from a British Airways airplane ?
A. The Iberian Plane has hair under its wings

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

CSA bloke told me that WH has to pay me 20% of his salary for the kids. This is on top of all the bills, mortgage etc he already pays.

Sounds good, but if he could quite easily say that if he has to pay me £420 a month for the kids, then he'll stop paying the mortgage.

Hope he doesn't say that.

ROFL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

But b0b, should I go for the headmaster again, like a pitbull? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Alph.