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You're right, b0b.
And I know he noticed me yesterday - he was flustered and a little embarrassed when he looked at me.
I'm very nervous about today. It is going to hit the fan!!! No more smiles from WH for ages. But I am comforted that things will be tougher for Omelette than they will be for WH.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Of course he noticed you !
You shared a life with him.
Made children in love with him.
You are a constant reminder fo the last time he did the decent thing and although he tries HARD to blacken your image in his mind your faithfulness, willingness to forgive and FANTASTIC appearance is like a flash of light to him.
You're doing great !
He Will be pissed off when exposure hits him and you'll need to work through it. Be strong etc. Remember that exposure damage almost NEVER binds infidels together, it virtually ALWAY tears them apart.
{{{{alph}}}}
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Remember that exposure damage almost NEVER binds infidels together, it virtually ALWAY tears them apart. That's good to know. I'm counting on the fact that OW has potentially more to lose than WH with exposure, and also on the fact that her career seems to be the most important thing to her. WH has already given up the most important things in his life for her. We'll see if she's willing to do the same for him! Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Just journalling...
Something that has always really bothered my about WH's A with OW is the fact they are both teachers. WH (when he was H, before the aliens took him) often 'encouraged' me to become a teacher, too. I know that he was resentful that I never wanted to.
Now he has found a 'soulmate', who is also a teacher. Obviously this is dream come true for him. This is what I thought for weeks, and it was very discouraging.
But, what does this actually mean? They have teaching in common, sure, but that doesn't mean they have much else - apart from their overwhelming 'love', that is. Oh, and they both smoke now (something that OW re-introduced to WH, by the way - very loving of her).
I know so little about her. I know she's a big girl (not exactly fat, but tall and 'heavily built', shall we say. She's Spanish, and career minded. She comes from a traditional Spanish Catholic family, her father is a retired Spanish Army captain. She is non-practicing (I assume). She's had a very sheltered upbringing. She's ten years younger than WH.
I just can't think what she would have in common with WH - apart from the fact that she's a teacher. And WH has always loved Spain. But she'll have a very different background, very different outlook on life. Maybe it's partly the excitment of the unknown, and the different and the exotic that attracts them to each other.
I sincerely hope that this WILL NOT be enough to keep them together.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Alphin, my WH went for the complete opposite version of me. Career-minded, demanding, needy, ambitious. Made his SAHW seem a bit ordinary. She's also from a different culture (chinese) and I'm the busty blonde type. He's in so deep but shrouded in guilt and despair. The A has a kind of desperation to it. Different and exotic in the short-term but for me, this has gone on so long. I've got to make an escape plan. God help my 14 yr old. TT
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{{{TT}}}
Any ideas for that escape plan?
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Alphin,
Don't beat yourself up about what the other woman has that you don't. Nothing you can do about it anyway. All that soulmate talk is crap. Omlette probably fed your husbands ego-told him he was a good teacher, showed some admiration for him...he responded in kind, and the rest is history. I have read so many times on these boards that affairs started because someone felt neglected, and the moment an outside party pays them some attention, that is the crack in the dam that starts the affair going. Omlette became his sympathetic ear to listen to specific problems he had about you, then she had all the information she needed to make herself as attractive as she could to him. Whatever he resented about you or your marriage, she had first hand knowledge to make sure she corrected that in herself or her relationship with him so that he would fall for her. Chances are he won't be able to see that until he comes out of the fog. All those trivial reasons he gave you for leaving the marriage-he has to do that so he doesn't seem like such a smuck. He has to use that "soulmate" term to rationalize leaving his wife and daughters. Surely he would never leave his family for just anyone who could fill his lovebank-she must be his soulmate!
I know its hard to keep it out of your mind, but don't let your thoughts wander to her. Keep your husband noticing you and brace yourself for the fallout that is coming soon. You are doing so well-don't get discouraged.
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Alph Here is one of my favourite articles by Frank Pittman, that explains Squids, TT's WHs and maybe your WH's affairs to a tee. ROMANTIC INFIDELITY
Surely the craziest and most destructive form of infidelity is the temporary insanity of falling in love. You do this, not when you meet somebody wonderful (wonderful people don't screw around with married people) but when you are going through a crisis in your own life, can't continuing living your life, and aren't quite ready for suicide yet. An affair with someone grossly inappropriate-someone decades younger or older, someone dependent or dominating, someone with problems even bigger than your own-is so crazily stimulating that it's like a drug that can lift you out of your depression and enable you to feel things again. Of course, between moments of ecstasy, you are more depressed, increasingly alone and alienated in your life, and increasingly hooked on the affair partner. Ideal romance partners are damsels or "dumsels" in distress, people without a life but with a lot of problems, people with bad reality testing and little concern with understanding reality better.
Romantic affairs lead to a great many divorces, suicides, homicides, heart attacks, and strokes, but not to very many successful remarriages. No matter how many sacrifices you make to keep the love alive, no matter how many sacrifices your family and children make for this crazy relationship, it will gradually burn itself out when there is nothing more to sacrifice to it. Then you must face not only the wreckage of several lives, but the original depression from which the affair was an insane flight into escape.
People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life: when their parents die or their children grow up; when they suffer health crises or are under pressure to give up an addiction; when they achieve an unexpected level of job success or job failure; or when their first child is born-any situation in which they must face a lot of reality and grow up. The better the marriage, the saner and more sensible the spouse, the more alienated the romantic is likely to feel. Romantic affairs happen in good marriages even more often than in bad ones.
Both genders seem equally capable of falling into the temporary insanity of romantic affairs, though women are more likely to reframe anything they do as having been done for love. Women in love are far more aware of what they are doing and what the dangers might be. Men in love can be extraordinarily incautious and willing to give up every-thing. Men in love lose their heads-at least for a while.
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That article sounds alot like my WH... I'm the so practical level-headed sane one. And we hardly have major issues in our marriage - until now.. when he decided to get into this amongst other things.
~A
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People are most likely to get into these romantic affairs at the turning points of life Thanks b0b. I love Pittman! He has such a great sense of humour - makes the affair seem like complete idiocy. TURNING POINTS OF LIFEThinking back, I know that things started to go wrong between us around Easter '04. We'd just come back from a holiday in the States and just prior to the holiday and during it I was bleeding heavily from the bowel. I thought I was dying, but wasn't able to do anything about it or go to a doctor because I didn't want to spoil the holiday. We went to Disney World with my parents - a trip of a lifetime for my girls. I had to hide my symptoms from my parents. Only WH and I knew I was sick. When we came back from the holiday, I finally got to hospital for a diagnosis. At the same time, WH went to Barcelona with OW and another teacher on a school trip, so my mom came up to look after me. The A hadn't started then, but I'm 100% certain that was when they became interested in each other. Just think of it - he has a sick, and as far as he knows, a possibly dying wife back home in the UK, and he goes away with another woman who do doubt listens sympathetically and reassures him that everything will be OK. She is fit and healthy - no bleeding bowel like his wife. Then he comes home and finds out that his wife isn't actually dying, but does have a serious and incurable disease. I've always thought that my illness had a lot to do with the affair, but previously this was only because he denied that it did so vehemently ('the lady doth protest too much'). It was the only thing that, according to WH, didn't have anything to do with the A. But I think it was everything. The horridness of my illness caused me to love bust big time - no doubt. It was a real passion killer. I became pretty absorbed in myself, and depressed. I stopped asking about WH and his work. On his side, I think the illness pretty much revolted him. He never asked me about it - not once. He was never interested in finding out about it. So yes, I think this 'life-changing event' more or less threw him into OW's arms. The thing is - what doesn this mean? I'm never going to be cured of this illness, so why would WH want me back? And yes, depsite the fact he's been a complete [email]b@st@rd[/email] about my illness, I do still want him back. Alph.
Last edited by Alphin; 06/27/05 07:44 AM.
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Some people can't accept mortality and illness. Its just how some people are.
Squid is the least sympathetic person on earth, yet she's a nurse...go figure.
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Perhaps, if he never asked you about your illness, or researched it, he is in total denial. He was so scared of losing you that he could not face it, and his solution was OW.
If so, the solution will not be learning to deal with your illness, it will be letting his guard down enough to love you.
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She must be the brisk/efficient type, then. Hospitals need the sympathetic cuddly ones and the brisk efficient ones to run smoothly, IMO. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Posts: 10,107
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Alph
Squida alovely sympathetic person if the person involved isn't somebody close to her.
She's as spiteful and dismissive as heck when I am ill, and when her mom was diagnosed with cancer thats when she threw herself into an affair.
She can't face imperfection in the ones she depends upon apparrently....
Although thats improving now since we talked that over.
"Why are you horrible to me when I am ill ?"
" you make such a fuss, you're a big puff"
"last year I snapped my wrist in the gym , suffered for months in plaster then had a bone graft and a pin fitted. You were horrible all the time"
"erm"
"Why ?"
"I can't think of you....broken. You're my strong reliable person. I think I am afraid if I indulge you, you won't be back to being strong again as fast".
Now bear in mind her affair saw me on antidepressents, crying, shaking and vomiting can you imagine how she feels about her behaviour now?
I'm stronger now than I have ever been. Tired, needing a holiday, but strong.
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Perhaps, if he never asked you about your illness, or researched it, he is in total denial. He was so scared of losing you that he could not face it, and his solution was OW.
If so, the solution will not be learning to deal with your illness, it will be letting his guard down enough to love you. Funnily enough, he's asked me more about how I'm feeling since he left me than he ever did when he was here (the A has had a profound physical effect on me). This is one area where he isn't at all foggy - he knows quite well that his A has made me ill, but it makes no difference - he won't come home because of it! He does care, but he won't stop his affair even though he knows the pain it causes. He keeps on saying he's worried about me, how shocked he is at how his A has affected me. When I fainted a few weeks ago whilst out shopping with his mother (she makes sure he knows all the details about how he's hurt me and his girls!) he was very concerned. I know he cares, but it doesn't make any difference to the A. Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Just journalling...
I'm beginning to wonder whether I'll hear anything at all from WH about the fallout from the exposure at work.
WH obviously thinks I am exposing from sheer vindictiveness. He might not say anything about it so that I don't get the 'pleasure' of knowing how bad things are for them.
This is why I didn't get any feedback about the letter to OW's parents.
But this is pure speculation. Just have to wait and see!
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Alphin,
Shortly after my third daughter was born, I had a seizure in the middle of the night (while sleeping next to my husband.) They did all kinds of tests, and couldn't find a cause. Said it was a fluke, and not to worry about it. Shortly after Dday, after crying on the bathroom floor for a couple of hours, then crawling in to bed next to WH, I had another one (about 18 months after my first seizure) and the only thing they could come up with was that both times I was severely sleep deprived and my threshold for having a seizure was low enough then to trigger one. (I told my neurologist that I was up w/ a sick baby, because I was too ashamed to tell him my husband was screwing another woman and that was why I couldn't sleep.) During the couple weeks it took to run more tests, etc, my husband and OW had quite a few talks about what would happen if I lost driving privledges and couldn't get myself to work, or get the kids to the sitter, etc. He knew not sleeping was bad for me, and I would have slept like a baby in his arms if he told me the affair was over and he would not be moving out. Instead he looked for apartments in a different area in case he had to drive us all every day. OW did not want any part of caring for my kids, (she was still married) yet he was in fog so deep that he thought fixing the problem was changing where he moved! This was almost 10 years ago and it still makes me mad!
Much later, he told me that it killed him inside to think about it, so he just shut it out. He forced himself not to think about what he was doing to his family, because he wanted her so badly. I don't understand it, but he did it.
Your husband is wrestling with the same responsibility-he thinks that by showing concern and being nice to you, he is meeting his obligation. He is telling himself that he is doing what he can for you, and its not his problem if your illness is aggravated by his choices. It doesn't make sense-showing that care while they are shoving the knife in your heart-its alien behavior and there is no explanation. Keep your focus on plan A for Alphin, and hopefully he will get his wits about him soon.
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starting again, Thank you - it's always great to hear from someone who has been there, and come out the other side. I try not to let my illness be any part of my plan A - it's MIL who tells WH all the details. I really appreciate that she is trying to get WH to 'wake up' but I'd rather not dwell on being sick - I want WH to see me as fun, healthy and sexy! I am doing my best on this. The one benefit that has come out of this is that I lost a lot of weight and can now fit into all my fun little clothes that haven't seen the light of day for years. And the lovely summer weather helps too - less is more! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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Great! And the concern that he is showing now is real-even if it is brought on by guilt-and that is good. Hang in there.
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Just journalling...
Is it possible to be friends after a divorce? That's what WH kept saying he wanted for us - he imagined me coming around for dinner and he and OW and I being 'great friends'.
Obviously, it's a complete fantasy that I'd ever be friends with the Omelette, even if this affair becomes a marriage and she and WH live happily ever after. But surely it's better to work towards a form of friendship between ex-spouses for the sake of the children?
Perhaps plan B helps prepare you for this. As plan B progresses, it is a time for healing and, in the end, letting go of your love for the WS. When love is gone, bitterness will fade also. If I still loved WH when we divorced, it would be hard for everyone - I certainly couldn't be friends with him then.
Plan B helps you to let go. If it comes to divorce, I don't think I'll want to be friends the way WH wants. But I would want to be civil - for the children's sake.
Alph.
Me, BS 37
Him, WXH (Noddy) 40
DD13, DD6
Married 14th August 1993
D/Day 2nd April 05
Noddy left us 3rd April 05, lives with OW (Omelette) 28
Divorce final 6th July '06.
Time wounds all heels... - Groucho Marx
...except when it doesn't. - Graycloud
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