Alph,

Your posts yesterday hit home. Before AD therapy, I was having days where deep despair was so excruciatingly painful, I thought I would die --- I don't mean suicide --- I just felt like I was going to cease living. When I read your post yesterday, I thought you must be feeling the same.

Anyway, it usually takes a couple weeks for the effect to begin working and sometimes you have to try out a couple different things and adjust the dosage. The first thing I tried gave me the shakes, made me super thirsty, and didn't combine well with my evening glass of wine. Now I take Mirtabene at night, which helps me sleep and heightens my mood slightly. During the day, I take Cipralex. I have absolutely NO side effects. As time went on my swings from hope and despair lessened in their extremity and I know nearly never have panic attacks and if I do, they are not as extreme (no more hyperventilating, etc.). The medications are not addictive. I live in a country with socialized medicine, so it is affordable. I am now back down to a little smaller dose of the Mirtabene at night.


About your kids and contact with OW: think twice here. I think that it is not unreasonable to shield them from OW and your WH's A. They should not be led to believe that this is acceptable behavior. WH should have to babysit for your kids in your home (w/o OW!) when you go out with friends. By all means schedule regular visits for the kids with their father, but be adamant that they are not to be exposed to OW! This is just my own opinion --- it was also reinforced by Steve Harley.

Threadjack: In my case the OW is my youngest's godmother --- what a joke! After Dday, I wrote a short email to OW letting her know that from now on a trusted family member that has my daughter's spiritually well-being at heart would be taking over duties as godmother. I also let WH know that he was not to expose the children to her anymore. The children were relieved to longer be used as camoflage for Daddy's dirty secret from Mommy.

Nope, Alph, I think that allowing your kids to spend time together with OW is akin to affirming that adultry is o.k. Your children should know that adultry is a cruel sin and that their father's living with another woman is NOT acceptable behavior.

BTW, Alph,

yes you have a raincheck! You have a place to run, hide, and chill out in the Alps. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> I's gorgeous here. I have room and enjoy having guests.

Hello again lost,

You were so kind to me yesterday - thank you.

I do agree with you about the kids meeting OW. But I am worried that unless I allow it before I go to plan B, then I'll completely lose control of the situation.

In the UK, the courts only care about what is best for the children - squabbles between parents are just so much racket. This means that overnight stays are likely to be permitted, but would only be enforced once we are divorced.
The law assumes that we are still living together, of course. I doubt very much that I would be forced to allow overnighters while WH and I are still married.

I intent to do a very strict plan B, with no contact whatsoever. So, as I said, this will have to be worked out in advance. Still don't know what to do!

Alph.

Hi Alphin

Sorry to hear you had such a bad day! I didn't have a good one either yesterday but it wasn't too horrible, just a worrying day. I was mainly worried about my money problems caused by WH.. I don't want to be declared a bankrupt as it would mean I wouldn't be able to support my aged parents or myself as well in the future.

Alph, do take care of yourself first. It's not easy to do that when you're in pain but it's a must. Do you have a close friend to talk to and hang out in real life? Get out, grab some coffee and muffins, take a walk in the park and smell some fresh air...

You know, anytime anybody wants to visit a hot tropical island, you can come find me. It's just that I don't have the money to fly you over!!!

Something interesting for you to know.. my Dad has a woman friend whose husband left her for a younger Thai girl 32 yrs ago. He even left the country with the OW. He cldn't even pay her maintenance, and she worked 2 jobs to support her 2 children. She had to foot the mortgage payments herself. Now recently, her Ex is even asking her if he cld come back!! That's like 32 yrs later! Her daughters are all telling her no way is their father coming back into their lives now.

~A

[quote
In the UK, the courts only care about what is best for the children ... This means that overnight stays are likely to be permitted, but would only be enforced once we are divorced.
...I doubt very much that I would be forced to allow overnighters while WH and I are still married.
[/quote]

Exactly my thoughts! I think you have the power and the responsibilty to protect your children from being exposed overtly to their father's adultery.

No contact during Plan B is a tough one. For both of us. But it is manageable with advance planning. The trick is to make the NC as easy as possible for us, any inconvenience should be felt by WH. ie if he wants the kids to spend the night, he has to send OW off to stay in a hotel or brothel or wherever and stash all her stuff out of the children's sight. OR if you happen to be taking off on your own for a long weekend in the Alps he can stay at your place, w/o OW.

I really don't see any reason until you are divorced to have to allow OW in your children's lives.

just MHO. But being a good Catholic girl can sure come in handy.

Pep
WHOville
ROFL !

That works on SO many levels ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph you are doing way I id ( and still do). Analysing too much.

Just look at the facts of the sit, and do it including Pep's great insight about the inequality of commitment.

You can lean back a bit Alph, the ship's sailing just fine with a gentle hand on the rudder.

AND GO OUT !! HAVE FUN !!! make your WH see you aren;t sitting alone in the dark, snffling as the clock ticks in his absence.

BTW Abba? EUROTRASH ? Theres better melodic construct and more complex resoltions in "name of the game" than all of Wagner's combined !

You'll be telling me next that he thinks the "Black album" by Metallica isn't the new Carmina Burana ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

b0b, I would never say that, but your correct that WH probably would. What the heck does he know, anyway? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I have been to the doctor, and am now officially a Prozac Girl. He told me to be aware that some patients become even more suicidal during the first couple of weeks of taking them. Great. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Lovely sailing analogy, b0b. I think I'll be able to do some clear sailing now I've got the ADs (once they start working properly rather than making me even more depressed). I have to go back and see the doctor in two weeks to make sure I'm doing OK on them. It feels very strange, to be on these. I've always been a pretty emotional person, but I've never needed anything like this. Another life experience gifted to me by WH. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin,

I was put on Mirtazapine, which is an AD and also a sleep aid. I slept for 16 hours the first day... It took about a week to get used to them enough so that I could get up after 8 hours of sleep.

They also made me feel numb. It didn't matter how much my boss drove me crazy, it didn't matter.

I hope that yours help you feel numb to your WH's actions while still letting you enjoy the kids.

Cat

Ashley,


Unbelievable! Hope she told him where to go! Could I wait 32 years for WH...? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

losttranslation,


I wish OW was a 'good' Catholic girl.

Surely, even the most secular of judges would think it would be sending out a bad message about healthy relationships to allow two young girls to stay in a flat with a man and his mistress whilst the man is STILL MARRIED TO THEIR MOTHER?

I don't know why I didn't think of this right at the beginning. Probably because WH convinced me that everything was all my fault so I should let him do whatever he wanted. Stupid alien, as Peb would say.

Alph.

Cat,


I've just taken the first one. And I've just read the contraindications listed on the leaflet. Wish I hadn't! Poor sexual performance - now that's a bonus at the moment. I could do with a loss of libido. Weight loss - could do without losing more weight. Hair loss - great for an attractive plan A, skin sweats, itching - the same, whole-body weakness (WH does that to me anyway - *sigh*), severe shaking. Etc.

Hmm. I hope they are worth it!

Alph.

Alphin,

Get tough. Get him over to babysit at home without the OW at least twice a week, maybe say, Fridays and Tuesdays. Make those your nights off and stick to it. He's made all the game rules up so far. Well Alphin, go kick his butt a bit, cos this is how it will be once he gets the divorce he thinks he wants.

When he walked out on you and your girls, remind him sternly, that he also gave up the right to tell you what to do anymore. Play him at his own game.

Deep down inside, he wont like it one bit when he sees you all dressed up and going out.

Alphin, if this affair came right up under your nose and you didn't see it coming then you must have been in a coma or something similar...........but I find that very hard to believe after reading your posts. You are a very switched on woman, you remind me of me, analysing everything, even things that haven't happened yet, but could!

He is so chemically imbalanced right now and he's got tunnel vision. Well, let him de-tox a bit with a dose of reality. Dress up like you did when you first met, bubble and sparkle around him and your fiends, but when he leaves or when you go out when he baby-sits, give him that smile but with the sad eyes to remind him you never wanted this.

Don't be tempted to use the children to give the omlette a reality dose either. I get the feeling you'd never forgive yourself for that, even though it's very tempting.

Go for it girl,

Hope

Too right! I can't believe I didn't see it coming. I trusted him so much. Looking back, I knew things had become pretty horrible between us, and now I know that's because he was having the A, and was distancing himself emotionally. But, at the time, I was just miserable, knowing that WH had fallen 'out of love' with me, but not knowing why. One time, I put my arms around him to hug him, and his arms just hung by his sides. I should have guessed from that. It's so stupid! I accepted that his feelings for me had changed, but I couldn't accept he was having an A!

Such denial.

Alph.

Hey Alphin,

You were NOT stupid.

You were only trusting.

But life does have a tendancy to make changes, and bit by bit and without us realising it we change too.
With luck, we take the same road, but too many times we end up on different paths but never realise it till something or someone else points it out for us.
We all become accustomed to each other and to be totally truthful, often neglect each others needs and our own. Some people seem to handle this, and others as we have proof of, can not.

Alph
I am big, tough, smart and capable. I I used cipramil for a couple of months when I needed it.

No shame. No stigma. just help.

Sail on <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph .... majority of people on prozac have little or no side effects.

Advantage is ... they start to work relatively quickly.... and they can help depression ~and~ anxiety to some degree.

Pep

Hope, it's worth pointing out that Alphin was ill for some time last year, and was ultimately diagnosed with an incurable and painful illness (Crohn's). I think she may well have been in a 'coma', and this is is entirely understandable.

It also makes her H's defection even more reprehensible.

TogetherAlone

TogetherAlone,
I am fully aware of Alphin's situation and by no means meant anything bad by what I said - in fact if you read the entire posting I think you should sense a hint of sarcasm about her 'coma'. Believe me, I've been there too.
This is the only problems with the written word, where emphasis is given to different words by the individual readers, and the point not coming across as the writer would have wanted it to.
Sorry if it came across that way, it certainly wasn't meant to.

Hope <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Hope - I didn't take it that way. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It looks like WH is actually agreeing to mediation. I am stunned. I thought he'd never go for it.

We are meant to be talking about his access to the girls. He wants them to meet OW, he wants them to stay over at his place. You all know I don't want this.

I want to tell him that I don't want the girls staying over whilst we are still married, but I'm afraid this will prompt him to begin divorce proceedings. He doesn't have grounds, but he could make anything up and call it 'unreasonable behaviour'. I could fight this, deny it, but my solicitor says it's a waste of time. I could also deny the unreasonable behaviour, but agree to the divorce (just to save face, really).

I would appreciate some help with this. Pepperband and others have suggested that WH is conflicted about wanting a divorce. I don't want to test this theory, but what can I say to him in mediation to set a boundry that won't set him off?

Alph.

Know what ... you are protecting your girls from something dirty and evil ...

If you compare and weigh your
"fear of divorce"
vs
"agree to expose girls to dirty OW"

... which one wins?

You don't tell him what you don't want ... you tell him what you will not allow! He's meek, remember? Use that against him.

[color:"blue"]"Husband. Our girls are too young to understand the dangers of infidelity. There will be NO exposing our precious daughters to infidelity. Am I clear? Our children are NOT going to shake hands with adultery by meeting OW." [/color]

Use his meekness and ignore yours.

Pep <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Yes.

He used to be meek; now I find him intimidating.

I know you are right. Guess this will be a test of what he really wants, anyway.

If he really wants a divorce, he'll file for one. Not much I can do about it.

Alph.