Thanks, Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I think some reality may be beginning to sink into WH's brain.

I've noticed that he is being very careful with his spending this month - he's not blowing it all like he has the previous two months.

MIL says that his drinking seems to have calmed down, too. When WH and OW visited MIL last weekend, they didn't drink nearly as much as they did the first time. He's still smoking, though. Cigarettes are extremely expensive in the UK, due to the 'sin' taxes the government slaps on them.

I do think he worried about losing the kids completely if he continues the way he has been.

I don't know if the money/drinking situation is good or bad. Obviously I don't want WH to die a drunken bankrupt, but doesn't the change in him whilst he is still with OW mean that they are actually rather responsible?

I don't want them responsible. Affair partners being responsible suggests that their relationship is actually a good one, and not just built on sand as I had hoped.

Alph.

I don't want them responsible. Affair partners being responsible suggests that their relationship is actually a good one, and not just built on sand as I had hoped.

Yes it absolutely proves that their affair is a rock solid an decent, sustainable relationship Alph. You may as well give up ! NOOOOOT ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Dont overanalyse mate. The fantasy is obviously getting hard to sustain if they have to cut back on spending. Imagine how much fun it is in their house now th epractical realities of their affair is hitting them ?
Its a great sign IME. Not a bad one.

Only strange thing in your sit IMO is the lack of effect of the exposure to OWs parents. Maybe another letter asking for an opinion formn them with a return address might be in order ?

And chase the authorities up.

Exposee pressure backed up with diminishing funding can sound good for the death of an affair.

Pecker up.

Bob

Yes, I must stop overanalysing. At least BikerDude has given me something else to think about. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I do think that WH and OW have decided that WH not make any comments to me about exposure. They obviously think I'm doing it to be nasty to them, so they don't want to give me satisfaction of knowing how its affected them.

I will certainly follow up the school exposure. But I am unsure about further contact with OW's parents. I don't want to be accused of harrassment. When I phoned OW's parents and discovered they didn't speak English, it panicked them because they thought something had happened to their daughter. Now I've sent them a letter, and I think a follow-up letter would be a bit much.

Oh, I forgot to mention that WH's credit card company phoned yesterday. Last month's payment bounced. They were annoyed that he hadn't given them his new address and phone number. I was happy to provide them with the details! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alph

I was a biker. Do I intimidate you ? Are my offers of help and advice creepy ? Whaddaya mean 'yes' ?! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Some of my friends are outlaw bikers and look like mad max, but are amongst the gentlest and most decent people I know.

Don't let your feelings of vulnerability at your WHs' buggering off make you think badly of people , Alph. The 'rough, creepy' biker at least offered you some crude help, while the 'decent, trustworthy' Catholic school administration have done fook all for you so far.

Trust but verify, flower. He might not be an angel, but probably not a devil either.

{{{alph}}}

With bikerdude trust but verify.

I agree with b0b.. some dudes who seem 'weird' or tough can be really sweet guys. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Alphin -- my WH is dead broke too. He's living on borrowed time concerning his own finances. Ironically enuf, if he stayed with me, we will be able to solve his and our joint $ probs as a team. But he chose to leave... I don't think OW would love it v much if she has to support him alot more moneywise in the future.

~A

My take on the bikerdude is this is a lesson for you in boundaries. You feel a little uncomfortable probably because he's overstepping the mark a bit, so follow Orchid's great advice and you'll soon have your boundary in place with him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

PS I may be biased but bikers are generally ok <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

It's nothing to do with the fact the guy's a biker.

He doesn't even look like one really. He's small and skinny, doesn't wear leather and doesn't have much hair. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

And I have no feelings one way or the other about the biker image (I'm a hippy-dippy chick myself, and I have some STRANGE looking friends <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> ) The only reason I even mentioned the bikes is coz there's three of them and they are crowding up my yard.

Whenever I go out, he comes out. I know he's probably just being friendly, but he creeps me out. He's not polite in the way he looks at me (if you know what I mean). And he's asked me to go riding with him.

I could tell I'm motorbike-phobic or something.

Alph.

Alph

SOrry, I misinerpreted.

Boundaries ! How did he get to know your business by the way ?

They don't want to look like the bad guy. They would rather it be your choice than their choice, even if they push you to it.

I think in their head they are reasoning "HE/SHE wanted a divorce. I didn't!"

They don't want a divorce, remember? They would rather have their cake and eat it too.

Susan

How does he know all of this information about your situation?

I would say "Thank you for your offer of help (or either I appreciate your concern), but I will handle this."

That's is.

Susan

edited to add: ooops. I didn't read Orchid's response. She basically said the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"]Smoking and drinking excessively [/color]

are both

[color:"blue"] anxiety driven behaviors [/color]

.... again .... all is not well in [color:"white"]WHOville [/color]

[color:"purple"]Hang in there .... your serenity under stress is very attractive.... [/color]

[color:"yellow"]Pep [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

b0b, Susan, DD5 has a rapport with BikerDude, and she was the one who blurted out that her daddy doesn't live with us. I also think that BikerDude's landlord might have mentioned something to him.

Pep, you'll be disappointed in me. Serenity went straight out the window this afternoon.

WH came and took the girls out this afternoon. I settled down when they were gone to watch the Wimbledon men's final. Well, by the time it was over (didn't take that long even with the rain break - Federer was awesome) I realised I had to get some bread from the local shop for the girl's lunches next week. So I went, and couldn't buy any, because I didn't have enough money left.

When I got back, empty handed, WH and the girls were back early. When WH was out of the room I asked DD12 if I could borrow some of her pocket money until Tuesday. So she got me some. She handed to me right in front of WH. I went back to the shops.

When I came back, I took the bread to the kitchen and burst into tears. WH came through, oblivious to the fact I was crying.

WH - What do you want to do about DD12's school play next week?
ME - WH, all I want is to be able to buy a loaf of bread without taking DD12's pocket money to pay for it.
WH - *LONG SILENCE* Do you want me to set up some kind of money transfer to your account?
ME - We'll be OK.
WH - I don't want to think that you're struggling.
ME - I'll wait until the CSA [Child Support Agency] have sorted it out, thanks. Since you left we've survived so far.
WH - *Silence - he walks out of the room*

This is the first time since he left that he's actually offered to give us any kind of support whatsoever. He actually seemed surprised that we are broke! I told him when he left that I didn't want anything from him for myself, but that he needed to help out for the kids. He's never given us a penny - I genuinely think he's just forgotten.

So, Pep, I was sarcastic and angry and crying with him. But when you can't even buy a loaf of bread because your WH has his head in the clouds and isn't thinking about anything apart from himself, that's just about my limit, I'm afraid.

BTW - I get my weekly welfare money on Tuesday, and do have enough food to last til then - it was just bread I needed.

Alph.

Oh (((((Alphin)))))) so why aren't you taking some money??? Pride?? You can't put yourself through that kind of stress and worry just because you said something when he first left.

Bread is kinda important!

He's going to have to pay when CSA sort it out so why not now?? Financial worries to that extent is not good for you.

I know you are right, strongfoundation.

I have been managing OK so far, really. Like I said, I have enough food to last until Tuesday, but bread is so symbolic, isn't it? Or the lack of it. It just made me freak out that I couldn't buy it.

I can't really accept any money from him because I am on welfare, and can't be seen to be getting money from elsewhere - even from him. I could accept some, but then I'd have to report how much to the social security people etc etc. It isn't worth the hassle until I start getting it from the CSA.

I wish I hadn't cried in front of WH. But maybe it made him think. Or maybe he just thinks I'm bitter and angry.

Who knows? I don't know what to think of him. He's completely out to lunch.

Alph.

However, I was able to pull myself together and make WH a cup of tea (stiff upper lip and all that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> ) Then the four of us played one of DD5's silly games.

WH won. I was last. Ha!

I'm really not bitter... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Sorry you lost!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Don't beat yourself up about crying....you are not a robot! Personally I think it's good for him to see some of your emotions....being so upbeat around him may make him think his behaviour is accetable hence the Xmas fantasy with his family and omelette. Tut...what a Dork!

Anyway, you didn't wail and beat the floor in a tantrum you took yourself off to the kitchen. HAVING EMOTIONS IS OK.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Plan on beating him in the game next time....get practising!

Yes, I'll whip his a$$ next time!

Actually, thinking about it - this is the first time we've played a game together since WH left.

I'm very pleased with that - even though I lost. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Alphin, your WH NEEDS to see the results of what his A has done to you. You can't be upbeat all the time, you must tell him you are sad, broke whatever calmly and without DJ's. That is probably why he didn't realize you were broke. I hope it wakes his rear up enough to bring you some groceries by. Grr...

{{{Alphin}}}

Alph

FF is spot on. We had a wise, sometimes confrontational poster on here, Noodle, who got lost in the board format swap in march. She said :
" Never protect anyone from the consquences of their actions."

Amen to that.