Hello again

A quick update - H had A with co-worker, over a year,d-day end April this year, continued daily contact with OW at school (both teachers).

H stated commitment to M, and reluctantly sought new job elsewhere. Beating himself up about situation he had caused. One job applied for, which he got - big promotion, H happy (and me happy too).

I am aware of ongoing contact in work - it's inevitable - and I have put recovery 'on hold' until he leaves the school in July. I have asked H repeatedly to tell me of ANY contact, of any form - he seems to find this difficult.

I continue to snoop - an insatiable (perhaps unhealthy?) need to prove that there is ongoing contact that is more than just work. Today, while he was out I checked his school work bag - there is a long letter from OW explaining how she had had the worst time of her life over the last couple of months (obviously since he chose to make a commitment to me), especially when he texted her to let her know that he had got the job <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />(I was not very pleased about this text, but considered that this was his way of letting her know that it was really over. He told me about this one). I didn't get chance to read the whole letter before he arrived home, but got the general gist.

Question - now that I have found this letter, how long do you think I should give him to tell me about it himself? I don't really want to confront him immediately - I want to try and give him the time to feel comfortable enough to tell me. But how long? At what point do I suggest that I have seen it? Is there a gentle way to invite him to feel secure enough to tell me about it?

I'm obviously worried here that although H is now making all the right moves, that there are still a lot of things (probably even contact) that is now being better hidden, that I am not finding out about.

... the floor's open, for anyone who wants to give me 'their two-penneth' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> (for those who get the yorkshire lingo). All opinions welcome

unhappy_badger

UB,

Give him 1 day. If he does not tell you by tomorrow, start 'helping' him to tell. You can say things like, 'I can tell something's wrong. You're acting like you did when OW was in C with you' (this one worked for me).

My H's OW also wrote a letter like the one you describe. Manipulative with a capital 'M'.

Was there a NC letter?

If not, why not?

Working in the same school is no excuse for not having a NC letter - specify all non-work related contact is over, period.

Don't wait any time. If you found it, it's already been long enough.

WAT

I agree with WAT. If he doesn't tell you by tonight I'd confront him. The deal is he is to tell you of any contact between him and OW. That is pretty clear. He needs to explain why he decided it wasn't important for you to know. And by the way, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You are snooping because you aren't feeling safe yet. Apparently for good reason. CV

UB,

I was thinking of you and I was wondering how things are with you… I’m sorry to hear about the letter and your H’s reluctance to inform you about it…it must have been very upsetting for you. Anyway, I think Healing T4J’s suggestion is very good e.g. if your H don’t tell you by today, you can ‘help’ him (give him the opportunity) to tell you by making certain remarks (as suggested by Healing T4J already). Maybe you can also add: ”Is there something you need to tell me honey? I get the feeling that something is wrong...” . But say it in a concerned, caring and loving way so that he can feel 'safe' to share with you. I would say if your H still don’t tell you after this approach, you must confront him and let him know how disappointing and hurtful this is to you...and that this is unacceptable behavior. It seems to me he needs to send a 2nd NC-letter to OW.

Blessings,
Suzet

On a larger scale, the letter doesn't bother so much as the text, since he's obviously breaking NC, and the fact he held on to the letter.

Follow the wise advice here about giving him a day.

It seems he's redefined NC, with a level that's exceptable. If he told you about the TM, and now hid this letter, he's...like I said...making up his own definition.

Tell your H it's like stopping with smoking.
Every time you go for "one more, that won't hurt" you started smoking again.
You quit completely or you don't!

WS think they are doing the nice, considerate things by not being too "harsh" to the OP, by not letting them down too hard etc. Most of the time they cannot see (or refuse to) just how incredibly painful and disrespectful this is to the BS.

Comparing it to a smoking addiction helps sometimes - they understand that they "fail" to keep their promise if they smoke even one little cigarette, take one little puff. And that they are just fooling themselves, and making the withdrawl period start over and over again.

Good luck to you honey. Try to avoid LB'ing when you talk about this to your H. Let him understand you are someone whose feelings should be respected.

Thanks everyone for your suggestions

I left it for the evening as suggested, then the following day wrote a short letter to him, explaining that I found it hurtful that he had chosen not to tell me about the letter, and that he was obviously still in touch with her. I explained that I wrote a letter because I wanted to think about what I said, and not say something angry or agressive that I didn't mean. In my letter I asked that if he didn't love me, or didn't want to work on our marriage, that he should leave now, that I wasn't going to leave - it would have to be him. I then re-stated that to help me to trust him again, and help me get over the hurt he has caused, he needs to tell me about every instance of contact between them. I am accepting of the fact that H has a new job in a new school from Sept, so after the end of July there will be no reason to see her, but until then there will be contact every day, if not communication.


He went berserk! States that he does love me, and does want to work at our marriage, but doesn't know what to do (still feels considerable responsibility for OWs welfare as well as ours). Him crying and shouting that he isn't seeing her, except professionally at work (although letter from OW suggests contact more than just professional - also social). He says he is trying, but thinks he can't make ammends (so he's not prepared to try?) He says he needed time to deal with the letter - he was on holiday last week with his brother - date on letter suggests he had it before he went away. He says he has not responded to the letter - but again, I don't know what has happened while they have been in the same room at work this week. He says he can't talk to me (not even to tell me factual things about contact? I don't think what I am asking is that difficult - it's not like I've been asking him to tell me his deepest feelings - although this is what I will expect when/if we start to get to the recovery stage).

Does anyone have an opinion of where we/I should go from here - how I reinforce the request I have made? I'm not sure what to do next. Trying hard on plan A, but feel alternately that things are being brushed under the rug so that the surface looks ok, or that we are simply not compatible.

Help ...

u_badger

^^^Bump^^^

{{{Unhappy_badger}}} UB, I just want to let you know that I’ve read your post and will keep you in my prayers… May God provide you with extra strength and wisdom during this difficult time... I’m sorry to hear about your H’s reaction… I don’t feel fit to give you advice on this stage (since this current situation is outside my field of experience & knowledge), but from your H’s response, I do think he feels frightened of losing you after he has read your letter and I also think he feels guilty & shameful… That’s probably why he went so berserk and came up with all this rationalizations and excuses…

UB, I hope some veterans and experienced members will pop in and give you advice soon.

Take care,
Suzet

Hi, UB.

Quote:
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I am aware of ongoing contact in work - it's inevitable - and I have put recovery 'on hold' until he leaves the school in July. I have asked H repeatedly to tell me of ANY contact, of any form - he seems to find this difficult.
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No 2x's UB, but I want to remind you of a few things.

Your husband still has feeling for this woman. He has feelings for you as well. Every time he sees her, he is confronted with a flood of emotion. It is probably bad enough that he wants to just not say too much about it. He doesn't want to deal with it. With the possibility of him seeing her daily, there is only so much you can reasonably expect to get from him. That is why he feels like he is giving so much. He dreads telling you all the gory details about the contact, or facing how he felt seeing her - especially daily.

It isn't that you don't have a right to make certain demands, it is that you need to realize his limited capacity to meet those demands in his current situation. This is why Harley talks about how important no contact is.

He needs to quit. Walk out. Even if it upsets his plans. Until the other woman is out of the picture, recovery can't start. I think that given your current situation, both of you are pushing the envelope on your marriage.

There was even a limitation on the temptation of Christ. Remember, he was part human, and all humans have limitations on temptation.

I wish you all the best with your recovery.
Gimble