Today stinks - it marks the one year anniversary of the conception of the OC. The night H lied (after he had supposedly had NC w/OW) and went to se her one last time. He came home (supposedly from the gym) visibily shaken and when I questioned him he explained the OW BF had pulled a gun on him and threatened him in the parking lot of the gym. Two days later he confessed he had been in OW apartment and BF had come in and pulled a gun, but swore there had been no sex. Reluctantly I agreed to go ahead and go on our 10th anniversary Alaskan cruise two weeks later. It was a great time of rebonding (or so I thought). The day after we returned from our 10 yr. honeymoon I was on top of the world, only to have H come home and tell me OW was pregnant and that he had lied about not having sex that night. And all of you know the rest of the story -- the rollercoaster ride which ensued from that moment one. What is really crazy is that I know June 7th was when baby was conceived but I bet neither H or OW have any idea of the date.

I am really going through a phase right now where I am second guessing my decision to stay and work for recovery of our M. Would it be easier to walk away? I just get so tired of knowing OC is out there and that OW will always have my H child even though my H has nothing to do with her except for the OC stuff. We have chosen C at this point but haven't really implemented it because we live too far away (but are moving soon for H job). But can I really do it? I just don't know anymore. I feel like the decisions I have made thus far have been in the best interest of my children but now I am really soul searching if those choices have truly been in my best interest or if I am sacrifing my true happiness by staying and working on M.

I liked how Heartmending put it in the thread to Larabell . . . something about how she gave her self the freedom to change her decision at anytime.

Anyway -- enough of my rambling. It is beginning to sound like a pity party for me. And that is one thing I can control -- I can choose to play vicitim and feel sorry for myself or I can choose to work through my emotions and learn who I am.

Thanks for letting me vent.

:Sigh:
I feel reluctant to reply or voice my opinion because I personally haven't gone through it myself...
But my mom did.
She chose to stay with my Step father after he had a repeated affair of two years!!
OW had a baby.
My mother is very unhappy. She has her good days ofcourse. But at the end of the night, she cries herself to sleep. Because his constant lies are all that runs through her head at night. His affair ended 3 years ago.
Some ppl are very strong and can learn to accept their H's mistakes. Learn to trust him and forgive. Others are less fortunate to have that kind of will power.
If you can see yourself giving an honest effort. Your whole mind, body, and soul into forgiving him and actually accepting this child who is not yours into your family then more power to you. And best of luck.
But if you can honestly see yourself (though it may be hard) happy with just being you with your kids. Not having to face something that hurts you so... then you have that option as well.
It's ultimately up to. You will have a lot of... leave him. You will have a lot of... stick it out.
Like you said, it's about figuring out yourself. At this point... the question at hand is; WHAT WILL MAKE YOU HAPPY?
He didn't consider that when he chose to do what he did (and I can vouche for the bc I didn't think about my H at all when I decided to have an affair. And my H admitted to not thinking of me... Long story!)
All you can really do is wake up every morning and think of YOURSELF. Your kids will love you either way.
All they care about is being shown they are loved.
You just have to trust yourself. Keep your options open. And there is no better time than now to follow your heart and your gut instincts.

Hope all works out for the best.
God Bless.

{{{{Beth}}}}
My OC was conceived either when DD was born or when DD was 1 month old ... yes, it sucks! big time! To put dates to the evidence of betrayal <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
all those dates that make you feel depressed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I just passed the one year anniversary of our divorce 5/20 ... and this Saturday was supposed to be our 8 yrs wedding anniversary ... and Sunday our 12th yr anniversary of being together ... that still counts - xH said.
I tried as much not to think about them but you know how that goes ... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Beth, I'm so worried about you!

Are you feeling like this because of the move? or just in genral? or is it just today?

My hugs to you...
I always say I am my own worst enemy....and on days like these we have to change our attitude...
Go do something for yourself today...don't do any chores today...go get that $20 pedicure and relax....Try and make it a new anniversary for a day of pampering for you EVERY YEAR. My best wishes are at heart here..

TTMIW, All I can say is I know how you feel. See my latest post in "Really need input from people w/C".

I can say that I am in total agreement of today stinks. I have many a day when I feel like this, I am recently off my Anti D. and am not doing well, the crying jags are back the yelling the insecurities, I hate it, also my H and I haven't made love in almost a year and it is starting to take its toll on me, I just don't know how to get past him with the OW, I fear him comparing me, or not measuring up to her, I mean obivously i have already failed him once that sent him to her, Ijust don't know where to start, I think a lot of just giving up, thinking it wouldbe easier if I would just leave. God only knows I just wish he would give me more clear directions.

Thanks for letting me vent

Thanks for your posts. I really depend on this board to help me work through this whole thing. I lost most of my friends when I didn't get a D -- they just couldn't understand why I wouldn't leave. Some just avoid me, not sure what to say and wanting to be free of the stigma of my sitch. Some called for awhile but have quit - they felt the need to constantly advise and when I wasn't taking it they disappeared. Some even went as far as to taint the rep of me and my H by gossipping about us to anyone who would listen (the truth wasn't exciting enough w/ OW and OC on the way so they added some lies to it). SO you see I am left w/ my H, my family (who are supportive), and a couple of friends (that I rarely discuss the real issues of all this w/). So this board is my home for dealing w/ this stuff.

Mily, you asked about why I may be feeling this way. Yes, moving is a big part of it. I don't know if I really want to live near OW/OC. Also, we still have a house for sale and the stress of wanting to get a house/apt/somwhere to live in new place is eating at me. This combined w/ fact that everytime OW send pics of OC (which we had asked for) I want to puke. I just don't know what I truly want anymore.

OW for the most part is ok w/C w/us. But she just doesn't understand my definition of inappropriate. Example: at least once a week, she includes my email on some forwarded joke/sappy poem about moms/etc. HELLO? We are NOT buddies. Plus those things are so STUPID and/or CHEESY -- I can't even stand them. Then today she emails to let us know that she want to a Talk to Your Teen seminar at work put on by the Employee Counseling Service (keep in mind her child is 3 MONTHS old). Anyway she wanted to let us know that the ECS offers free counseling for employees and their dependents. I know she knows we did MC already. I really don't know why she felt the need to give us that info. I replied to her email "Thanks for the info. If you and H had spent your time at work going to counseling instead of sneaking off to [censored] each other we wouldn't all be in this mess now. Would we? " But I knew better and deleted it rather than sending it and starting war. I am just so sick of opeing the email and seeing her email address!!! But she is so clueless when H or I try to explain appropriate C (meaning concerning OC) she gets all defensive and starts the I'm sorrys. UGH!!!! I just really don't think I can deal with this for 18 plus years!!!

we have temporary custody of oc, and it still erks me when I drop him off for the weekend and she is concerned about what he has on. As if to say if we are not buying him name brand clothes we are not doing much. There is always some smart comment, but I think it's only to take the attention off her. These types of things make you resent the whole situation, but then you have to remind yourself your better than whatever ow is trying to do to get at you.

There was one time when I went to pick oc from his visition with his mother, and her sister made it a point to come to my car to pick fun at the situation. She had the nerve to ask me where was the child I had with (blank). I immediately corrected her and explained to her that (blank) is my H. Then she again asked which child came first. Ugh!!! She was asking questions that she already knew the answers to. She was trying to get to me at whatever angle she could. I was so ticked off that I had to talk to somebody just to calm my nerves. There will be days where you just don't want to do it, and not because you have anything against the child but that sometimes adults act like children. [color:"red"] [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Ow emailing you is just her way of constantly reminding you that she has a child with your H. The only time I come into contact with ow is when she calls to speak to oc or when I'm dropping him off or picking up. There are no easy answers to how to deal with it I guess you just learn what works for you. You have to get close to God because he is the only one that feels and knows your pain the way you do. When I'm in my car I listen to uplifting christian music, and that has helped me alot. You have to learn to take it day by day and please stop replying to those unimportant emails. You are in control of you!

Thanks Not Done In for your reply and your stories. You are right -- she emails just to be sure I remember.

I did want to clarify one thing in your post : about replying to her emails. I don't actually reply -- what I mean is I write them as a way to express myself and then I delete them. That way I express some anger but she doesn't know about it and therefore can't start a fight about it and get attention. KWIM?

I also listen to Christian music in the car but have to admit my spiritual life is in the gutter. (Jeremy Camp's "I Still Believe" has been my theme song if you will). I really clung tight to God throughout the OW pregnancy and could hear him telling me in my heart not to worry, things would work out. So when OC was born and was H child I was devestated. I truly felt abandoned by God too -- felt like I had hung on through hell and there was no end now that OC would be around forever. I am slowly working things out between me and God right now. I know this probably sounds crazy (me saying God disappointed me) but that is truly how I feel right now -- be it crazy or not.

Your welcome.

I'm not saying that it is easy for me in any shape or form, I have just learned to trust God on this one. I also had the feeling that God had just abandoned me and why was it me that had to go through such pain. (we are human with human feelings) There were days and sometimes still were I need to cry, because it has not been easy. But through it all I've learned to trust him. In this life without him we are lost. I believe that my faith has pulled me through alot of tough waters.

There are still days when I could just beat my H over the head and make him pay just as I have, but I eventually calm down. The situation will always be harder for you then H and ow because you didn't take part in the affair. Ow suffers only after the fact because she lost at her own game. H suffers because the trust you once had for him may never be the same. It takes a minute to break ones trust but it make take a lifetime to rebuild it. I'm still dealing with the trust issue and for good reason, but I also know that trust has been a theme since I was young. I'm learning that you can't depend on anyone for your happiness and that you can't change, or control what someone choose to do. Human nature factor will let you down everytime. H hurt me but I refuse to let that break me or destroy my spirit. Ow may have a child with my H but my family is still intact and we are moving on. She can only wish that someday she could have that too. My hope is that old dog doesn't come to bite her in the butt when she marries herself. What goes around comes around. I believe in the old saying Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Just remember this is all new for you and you must allow yourself to be angry it's part of your healing process. Take all the time you need we are all still healing from this.

Again, I know how you feel TTMIW, I have been through my shair of "life events", you know, the kind that most people don't have to deal with. I questioned God many times. For me, eventually, it has led me closer to God. For me, I decided that God did not "make" these things happen to me. In some instances I had choices, in most, I did not. I decided God was not punishing me or trying to teach me something, but that he was there for me. And only in receiving God's love into my life would I be able to do this. I know now, there are some things that one cannot do alone and with God's presence and love in your heart it makes you stronger and life more bearable. I am not one of those people who says "I am blessed" when something "good" happens. I believe we're all blessed and when we are willing to receive God's grace in our hearts he's there to carry us through. I do believe that sometimes "Sh%& happens" and that even though God has a plan for us, human nature (ours or someone else's) and human inperfection (health related) changes our paths, but that God does want us to feel peace in our hearts and to be the best person we can be with his help. I hope that helps you somewhat, I know thinking about it in that way helped me. HUGS

Thanks Coldday for sharing your outlook on things. I appreciate it.

Beth

Trying I'm sorry your having to go through this. I would ask her point blank not to send you emails unless it has to do with oc period. I would not let her know that it bothers you, but just tell her none of your friends send you FWRD's cause you just don't have time for them, and it's not you. (I hate them too) As far as the other post, really it's none of her business, but maybe she is trying in her own way to show you that she is supporting you and h in rebuilding and not trying to yank him away or whatever. I could be way off though. It is still hard though. Strange how us woman can remember those "dates". Sometimes I wish I could be more like a man and not care or remember those dates. Hang in there!

You did not fail your husband! You can't work your marriage problems out by seeking somebody else. It only adds fuel to the fire. I'm not saying you did not have your problems with your husband, but there are other ways to work on marriage problems then seeking out another person. If he felt there was not resolve he could have left the marriage kwim?