I think I'm at the end. Thank you all for your help but this hurts way too much. I know what I need to do.

I just found out and it hurts just as much as the initial finding. He says he loves me and doesn't want a divorce but he doesn't know what he's doing. God....it hurts so much. I'm such an idiot for sticking around this long. I don't think this can ever be repaired. I really tried.

Hi,

I don't usually post in other threads as I don't feel I can give good advice to others, but I have followed your sitch and I wanted to say I really feel for you.

How did you find out about this?

((((((((((((hug)))))))))))) for Newlywed. What a blow to the efforts you've made to try and make things work! Even if you "know what you need to do", it doesn't make the hurt any less.

My xWS told me on our 2nd wedding anniversary that he had a few doubts for awhile about how good our marriage was for him.... but that he knew for sure now that he loved me, was in love with me, and wanted to grow old and gray with me. (This was the first I had heard about any doubts! I knew he was distancing himself from me, but he had told me it was a personal, spiritual problem he had to work out.)

Well, exactly one week later just before heading out the door to go to work he says, "I have something to tell you. I'm leaving you. I'm moving out this weekend." I asked if he was moving in with someone or someone with him...and if there was a female involved? He went on to say that he had rented a house and a female was moving in with him but that it wasn't any kind of a sexual thing. She was "just a young woman who had nothing in life, nowhere to live". Right! He had promised her that "As long as I have a roof over my head you'll have a roof over your head." Barf!!
Here I was trying to figure out how to keep a roof over our heads since his paychecks were coming up "short" for several months!

He refused to tell me where he was moving to, even though we obviously had many unresolved issues to discuss. He wouldn't have a phone because of no $$$. I thought back, however, to the night of our 2nd anniversary. He had been dropped off at home by his boss after work. He had left his truck at a work site, and shared a ride with his boss to the next work site to save on gas. We were going out for dinner, so I was going to drop him off at the site to get his truck afterwards. He's a house painter so his work "sites" varied from day to day. We drove to this little out of the way place. His truck was sitting at a house. I said that I felt really odd pulling into the driveway of a stranger's house, and wouldn't they think it was kind of odd that he left his truck there? He said "no", that they had done a paint estimate there and it was ok.

When my xWS refused to say where he was moving to, my woman's intuition set in. Yes...it was at that little house I had taken him to on our 2nd Anniversary! How dare he!!! The way I found out was by vaguely remembering the way there and finding it with his truck parked outside.

He moved back home within a month. He didn't know that I knew where he lived all that time. I figured it might be to my benefit for him to not know! We did go into marriage counseling and attempted reconciliation. Within a year,however, I found out that he was having an affair with this "poor young woman". She was 21 and he was 47. At the time I found out, she was 6 months pregnant with his child. And we were still married and living together!

He later told me that the sexual part of their affair hadn't even started until after we'd been in marriage counseling for 5 months!

And yes, I felt like an idiot for sticking around so long, for being so trusting. I don't know how I would have felt if I'd given up earlier. We make the best decisions we can for who we are and what we know at a given time.

Take good care of yourself, Newlywed.

NW55, I am sorry you are so hurt <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

You are still trying to apply he normal rules of behaviour and decency to people who's brains have been abducted by the infidelity aliens. Such is always saddening and maddening.

While active in an affair, and shortly thereafter WS are usually INCAPABLE of decency, morality, logic an dtying their own shoelaces NW. Their addiction to the sensations of the affair overwhelms any ability to truly rationalise.

If your WH is like my Squid when SHE was in the throes of her affair, I bet he wasn't doing that on your anniversary to SPITE you. It just that his infatuated behaviour did not allow him to consider you or the 'decent thing'.

Squid did many indecen and hurtful things during her affair. Some unrepeatable.

But we ended her affair, and now she is a loving, decent, regretful, ashamed but personally growing wife to me and a wonderful mothe rto our children again.

We are recoverING not recoverED but the tidings are good !

You have every right to divorce your WH, but I, and many others are proof that if you can STUDY the dynamics of affairs and the effect on all protagonists it helps you deal with such slights.

If I can help move my sit back to recovery from a very horrible affair, then you can if you choose !

All blessings NW55.

{{{Newlywed}}} I responded to your other thread before I’ve noticed this one… I’m sorry for what you’re going through right now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I hope you and your H can find a way to work through this and that this M can be saved...

Blessings and prayers to you,
Suzet

The crazy thing is that we spent the evening of our anniversary together. He said he agreed to my terms so we met up and he started to be honest with me. He spent the two nights before and the morning of (there's that sick feeling again) with her.

I found out last night when I checked his credit card online. The OW lives in another state and he had charges in her city. I knew he was lying about where he supposedly went this weekend but I didn't have any proof until last night.

He had flowers delivered to me on Friday and used the excuse that since I didn't contact him after I received them that I didn't care about spending our anniversary together.

After I posted last night I went over to his place and confronted him. I had to look him in the face and ask "WTF were you thinking?" He says he has a problem and that he's infatuated with her and he doesn't know what to do to fix things. I tried to tell him what needs to be done but my heart just wasn't in it. When I looked at him I no longer felt any love...just pain.

He really didn't say much at all. He is so private about his thoughts and feelings. I never had a problem with this because his actions always spoke so loudly. So of course he didn't say anything ...except that he wants me, he doesn't want a divorce, he loves me...all I heard was blah, blah, blah.

So right before I left I told him in one week I'm going to get papers. I know you shouldn't use ultimatums but that is how I felt at that moment and even now still. Basically I told him he had one week to come up with a plan to fix things and show me some effort. I hate to say it but I don't think there is anything he can do to fix things anymore. I have been stabbed in the heart repeatedly for the last four months by a heartless, selfish [email]b@stard.[/email] If there is any love left it is buried so deep that noone will ever find it.

(((Newlywed55)))

So sorry. I understand your anger, your hurt, your rage.

But...Bob is right. Your H is incapable of doing anything right at this point b/c he is in the throes of an addiction. His mind is gone right now. Anniversaries, birthdays, no 'date' means a thing to him right now. Right now, he is so lost, he can only feed his addiction.

And, your H is also being manipulated by the OW.

The thing is, you can help him get it back. You, and only you, can set in motion the Recovery that wll save your Marriage.

You are young, so, if you want a fresh start, a new life with someone else, you can do that, no one would fault you.

But, if you have any love left for your H, if you hold your marriage vows in any regard, do not rush into D.

A lot of folks here will tell you MC is a waste of $$ while there is still contact with the OW, while the A is ongoing.

I am not sure. I will tell you that when I cam here last year, I was so down on MC. My H & I had gone while he was still in C w/ the OW.

At the time, I thought the MC was a total incompetent. He said things to me like, "Don't ask for NC. It's too soon. No ultimatums, they don't work. Your H is in a bad place." And, when I told him how anxious the continue C made me he advised me to get a prescription for Xanax.

So, obviously, I decided he was a jerk, when 6 weeks after Dday, H met w/ the OW for one last (ahem) "night". And we quit MC.

But, I gave my H the ultimatum. I told him to decide who he wanted, me or the OW, b/c there was no middle ground. And, I didn't have MB to guide me, no books, no support systems, nothing.

Later, I found out that the MC was, while doing IC w/ my H, telling him that NC was the only way. So, maybe he wasn't such a jerk, I don't know.

So, I guess my advice FWIW, would be to tell your H you love him, will help him in any way to get over/through this addiction, but "cold turkey" is the only way that works. That is, if you want to.

Best of luck.

This is a fresh wound in a series of wounds cutting deeply into a very young marriage. I don't count the "5 years together" as part of the marriage.

When something of this sort happends early on in the marriage, I personally think it is most likely a peek into the future potential of this relationship.

If you were a friend or relative of mine, I'd say cut your losses right here, right now. Because there are no children involved.

And it pains me to say .... these are the things you know about ... and chances are good there are other secrets that never came to your awareness.

For heaven's sake, if you do stay with him and fight for this marriage, don't have children until there are YEARS of proven fidelity and responsibility without much effort on your part.

You should not, in my opinion, lift a finger for this marriage. Leave that entirely up to him. Why? Because you need desperately a clear view into your future ... and if your fingerprints are all over recovery, you will never know what he is capable of, or not capable of.

If this were a car you had purchased last year and it continually broke down and left you stranded and was never reliable no matter how much money you spent on repair ... you'd sell the thing and look for a car you could rely on to work properly.

This man is a fixer-upper. Do you have the will, the time, the energy, the knowledge, the patience and whatever else necessary to get this broken down man fixed to a point where he is a valuable asset instead of a liability?

That is your choice as it appears to me.

I feel you were defrauded into this contract...

my opinion only folks....

Pep

Pep,

I have come to the same conclusion. A piece of me still loves him dearly but now that half of our marriage has been ruined...I know he has problems. There were absolutely no signs before marriage.

I must move on. I no longer have the energy or the will. In one week I am filing for divorce and 30 days later it will be final. Somehow I will manage to pick my head up and refind the vibrant, intelligent girl (yes, girl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ) I used to be. I will make it!

but it still hurts...i know we weren't married long but we lived together (finances combined and everything) a total of 4 years...i'm just numb now.

NW55: “...but now that half of our marriage has been ruined...”

My W’s A lasted 10 years. She also lied her way through MC after the first D-Day. Do not put yourself in the position I am where after 20 years M you will still have to say the same thing.

You are young, no children. You have all the time in the world to start anew with someone who truly loves you and will protect you.

In one of Dr Harley’s articles on the main MB site he actually says a BS in a young M with no children is probably better off divorcing. (If the search engine worked I’d find it and link it for you.)

I sometimes think I am worth only one thing now: a living example to others of how bad it could be if you stay in this situation.

edit: PS: W also spent at least one, which I know of for sure, of our anniversaries with OMM. She even cancelled the weekend away I booked for us saying she had to work.

Thank you Aphelion for sharing your experience. I am very afraid for the future if I choose to stay around. I don't know how I could ever trust him again and I know that my love for him will never be the same.

I'm still thinking things over and over in my head. I know I have to bow out of this but sometimes I get that thought that if only....I know it's not worth it.

I've decided to not be so hasty. I have the opportunity to go to Morroco in the middle of August and all it will cost me is the plane ticket. I would much rather spend my money on a plane ticket right now than a divorce. So I've decided to Plan B until I return at which time I will put things in motion. I'm hoping to come back refreshed with a new outlook and ready for a new start.

I'm just worried that by not filing next week like I told my WH that he will never take me seriously. But then again...why do I care what he thinks anymore?

Newlywed - I would go to Morocco too. You can always get a divorce later, but how many chances will you get to travel? Can I come too?

believer...that's kinda what I figured..."You can always get a divorce later". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> It seems so odd to me to be so blase (sp?) about it but that's how I feel at this point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />