I know...how dumb a question is this to ask? But I really am clueless most of the time as to if someone is showing interest, I think because I find it hard to believe that I'm interesting.

The particular situation that is causing me to ask the question has probably a snowball's chance in Hades of ending up as anything more than a friendly sale transaction because I think he's probably 10 years younger than me. But some of the actions/statements from the salesperson I've been working with for over a month now cause me to wonder.

The most recent went something like this:

I walked in something bad and got either tar or oil on my new carpet on Saturday night, so Sunday I called the guy who sold it to me because he's pretty much handled coordinating everything for me over the last month and has been great to work with.

I told him I was sorry to have to bug him about something like this, but figured he was the best person to call since he sold me the carpet. And I sort of laughed and reminded him that I'm almost done bugging him (because I've been in the store like a zillion times over the last month trying to pick the carpet and laminate that I want), once the last trim piece goes in this week.

And he says something like, "I don't want you to go away. Why do you think I'm stalling bringing the trim piece?"

(He's delivering it and installing it himself on his day off tomorrow.)

So is he just being nice? I'm not sure if he's dating or not. We've both joked a lot during my visits to the store about how we have no life.

But he may be dating someone. We were talking a couple weeks ago and somehow Chicago came up, and he made a statement about "When 'we' went to see Jerry Springer in Chicago a couple weekends ago..." so I don't know if "we" is a girlfriend, or if it's just friends.

Anyway, I'm probably just imagining. He's probably being nice to me because I'm spending a fair amount of money. Each time he's been in my house (there have been several..from doing some measuring, to delivering my laminate, to being there with the carpet installers because they rescheduled on me and I had to be at work the day they chose) I've played it really cool and professional.

But I was wondering, for future reference, what signs I might see if someone was actually showing intereset. I'm SOOO clueless as to how things work anymore.

Am I stupid, or what??
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Being a guy myself, I know that if I had made the comments you attribute to him, I would most certainly be interested in getting to know you better...

When guys actually engage you in coversation, they are usually interested.

If they seem very polite and "nice"...they are not.

I hate to break it to you, but he's already decided if "all things being equal" whether or not he would "sleep" with you. We make that decision about ALL women we meet...not that it is necessarily pursued (by decent men at least <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> )

It's kind of a "sizing up" if you will...

Sorry ladies...it's the way we are...it's the real "GENTLEMEN" that don't act on such thoughts if they are already in a committed relationship of some sort.

Ask him out for coffee...something innocuous. YOu may get a better feel for if he is "attached" or not.

WNB

From the statements that you attribute to him I would say that he is flirting with you. Flirting may just be part of his personality, he could behave that way with most women. It is hard to tell over the phone.

When you two interact in a face-to-face situation does he make a lot of eye contact? Does he try to make you laugh? If you walk across the room to look at something does he follow you around the room with his eyes? Does he smile a lot when he speaks with you? If he does these things he is definitly interested.

I'm the one who has problems with eye contact...I tend to be a little shy in a face-to-face situation. But yes, he is very friendly and makes me laugh, he doesn't follow me around the room with his eyes...he follows with his feet and generally walked me to the door of the store each time I was in, and when he's been at my house he doesn't seem in a hurry to walk out the door. We generally get in some conversation before he leaves. He doesn't seem openly "flirty" like some guys who just ooze it (which, by the way, I don't like). He's more just sort of shy/friendly...soft-spoken with a hint of a dry sense of humor.

But since I don't know what's on his mind, and like I said, I think he's a number of years younger than me (he knows how old I am...yet another store conversation), I'm usually the one who acts "cooler" and more professional after a few minutes of him just standing there talking to me, and I think him and sort of walk toward the door and he leaves.

I think I'm going to blow it with every person I ever meet, because I don't know how to act or react or what to think or whether to trust them. I find myself thinking, "Yeah, he probably has a steady girlfriend and is just seeing if he can get a little on the side."

And as a rather old-fashioned woman, I don't feel comfortable being the one to ask him to meet me for coffee or something. I feel like I should wait for him to say something, which I'm 99% certain won't happen because I think now I've convinced him that I'm just waiting for the final trim piece today and then the transaction is closed.

Not very trusting, am I??

Why don't you step out of your comfort zone for one lil minute & just ask him!?!?!?!?!

What's the very worst thing that can happen?

What's the very best thing that can happen?

See why you should?

Regards,
High Flight

LL:

I'm going to tell you what my daughters told me: "Take a step into the 21st. century!!!" Nothing wrong with old fashioned. But don't let it restrict you.

Like HF says: ASK HIM!!! Worst case - you'll be rejected. You've BTDT and lived through it. Middle case - you've gained a friend.

The more probable case is that he desires to go out "on a date". So go ahead and ask him. And have a good time. Be yourself (but be your best-self).

Disclaimer: Only due to the world we live in: As he is younger than you (by a few years - according to you) just be aware that some men around this age-group "target" women such as yourself for a variety of self-serving reasons - most bad. Not saying this guy is the type, and absolutely do not want this note to be a downer, but trust your instincts.

And let us know how it goes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

FR

LL,
it definitley sounds like he is flirting with you. Wether or not that is just the way he is with everyone or if he is generally interested in you remains to be seen. If he doesn't ask you out(I suspect he will) when he drops off the final trim peice, why not ask him? Worst case scenario is he says no, you let it go, and move on.

"No regrets" is my new motto. I look back at my younger years and think of how often I was afraid of asking a woman out for fear of rejection. I often wonder, what could have been and regret being so shy back then. In my failed marriage I made a lot of mistakes and look back and regret not doing/saying something different for I was a conflict avoider. I am trying to change that aspect of my personality as I have already conquored my shyness. I get rejected, I can at least say to myself that I tried, rather than going the rest of my life wondering "what if..."

NO REGRETS, LL. If you are interested in getting to know this man better and he doesn't ask. As he is walking out the door, you should say something like "Well, thanks for all your help with this project of mine. I appreciate you coming over on your day off and all. Would you like to get a cup of cofee/lunch/dinner sometime? It's the least I could do"

Good luck

Well, in my opinion, you shouldn't be trusting. (By the way, are you sure he isn't married?)

But it seems to me that you have the perfect means of approaching him without "asking him out": just tell him you want to thank him for all his help, especially on his off day, and so in appreciation you would like to treat him to dinner. That way it's not a "date."

I have no idea where this guy is coming from. But if coming out on an off day is something he does for just any customer, he is a very unusual man indeed.

I adamantly disagree with all of this. It is very rare that I consider the question of whether (under the right conditions - by which I mean marriage) I would be interested in "sleeping" with a woman. I engage many women in conversations who are not prospective "dates," and I am polite and "nice" to quite a few women whom I find attractive and whom I have not ruled out as prospective dates (pending further evaluation).

I don't think I am an oddity in this...

Most guys (myself included) that I have asked this question of, do make a "hot or not" determination when meeting new women.

I am not saying that ALL guys do it, but I will bet if you ask a few of if they make that near-instantaneous "judgement"...you will find that they do...IMHO

I am nice and polite to ALL women...as they deserve to be treated like ladies. However, in the spirit of RH here, I do attempt to be a bit more "charming" for those that tripped my "hot" meter.

That being said, do I pursue them for nefarious purposes? NO WAY!!! I just enjoy the moment...harmless flirting.

You are a better man than me of you don't go through that "hot or not" judgement.

WNB

I agree!

Everything to gain AND nothing to lose.

LL,

If I may be so bold...ROUGHLY how old are you and how old is her?

You have piqued my curiosity. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WNB

I certainly wouldn't consider you an oddity for this, and I have no basis to dispute the claim that "most guys" do as you say. However, I challenge the statement that my different processing of encounters makes me a "better man." As you point out, as long as your attitude and behavior is honorable, then you have nothing to be ashamed of. My objection to your characterization is not due to my taking offense, but rather due to my belief that it is not a sufficiently accurate guide to understanding men.

Can't YOU continue being friendly/flirty, so he'll know YOU'RE open/interested... or at least a friendly gal? Kinda puts the ball back in his court. If he's not interested, or if he's "taken", no harm done. You've just been friendly, and perhaps brightened his day. But if he IS interested, he'll toss the ball back, and you'll get a more reassuring sign.

P.S. Not a stupid question. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Wish I had a guardian angel to help me with these things too!

You can be a bit flirty if you like, or you can invite him for coffee, but don't do it in your house. Perhaps walk out to his car or truck and then mention something like "I usually go for coffee at Boppo's Coffee about x:xx PM, if you have time why don't you join me some day? Howver, be outside when you ask him and don't have the first few coffee meetings, dates or whatever at your home.

You need to get to know him first. Don't be afraid, or to reserved, but do be careful.

Thanks for all the quick responses. As for the status, I think I've learned that I'm probably going to bolt screaming in fear from my first real date if I ever have one.

He did install my trim...did a very nice job. Took him a while, because it's not what he generally does. We talked for a good 1/2 hour at my house while he worked and after he finished. Okay, the age gap that I thought was maybe 5-6 years is more like 10 years. TOOOO much for me, and now I'm paranoid that I was being played by a younger guy. (Strange isn't it, how a guy can find a younger woman and that's all cool--look at my XH and the OW's 13-year age gap--but it doesn't work the same for an older woman/younger man.)

So, he made several references about how if I needed such and such, I needed to come back to the store he's at because that way he gets to see me again. I told him I really enjoyed working with him and that I'd call him if I had any questions or needed anything. And I thanked him for taking time on his day off and for taking the time to make it look so good.

And then I hurried out of my house and out the driveway so fast I almost ran him over.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Okay, so why do I only attract people who have the wrong motives? How do I possibly go about finding a real person to date?

Maybe I am not ready to date yet. Maybe I'll never be ready, because I think with each passing day I get more and more nervous about getting out there.

Through this deal, the attention felt good, but it freaked me out, too.

Oh, for WHnowBS who asked how old I am...I forgot that I took that out of my profile.

I'm turning 40 later this year. He is not quite 30. Red flags...lots of big, big red flags were waving when I finally figured out his age.

LL,

Just an FYI...

My Brother is 34 and his wife is 43. They met when he was 28 and married 2 years later.

I know it is only anecdotal but it does happen.

RebornMan

I know it can happen, and I worked with someone who was in his early 30's and his wife was nearer 45, but it's not for me.

Yep. I've got a former relative who is 7 or 8 years younger than his wife.

Not a red flag. Just a caution flag.

Fair enough.