I read a post by A.M.Martin (I think) in response to another thread. It said something about not seeing enough encouraging signs in Plan B. It made me curious. I am currently about two weeks into Plan B. I was wondering what 'encouraging' signs would be. I don't want to miss them, if they occur.

Sorry to start a whole new thread separate from my other one, but I didn't know if people would be willing to sift through 35+ pages to find this one little question.

Thanks in advance!

Oh, obviously an offer of a no contact letter to the OP would be encouraging. I guess I'm wondering about more subtle signs that some progress is being made.

Encouraging signs in plan B:

1. Figidty WS
2. Lots of calls and attempts contact by the WS.
3. WS writes notes or letters to the BS and family.
4. WS starts to change and act more normal.
5. WS begins to make plans for the future and it includes his family.

6. WS does less for himself and gives more of his time, energy and $$ to his BS and family.

7. WS seeks out own MC or even gets brave and calls either Jennifer or Steve. May even attend an MB seminar.

8. WS reads surviving an affair and takes the EN questionnaire.

9. WS goes back to normal routine.

10. WS stops drinking and bathes more (including his/her mouth). WS are prone to extreme vulgar.

......there are more.

L.

I'm gonna have to COMPLETEY disagree with my friend Orchid on this one, but I think she'll give me a smile.........

Encouraging signs of Plan B?

1. You feel removed from the drama.

2. You feel like you have regained control of your life.

3. The grass is greener, the sky bluer, and the birds singing louder.

4. You feel good about yourself, that you are a good person and a good spouse.

5. You feel the dignity of having stood up for what you believe in and you feel others admiring you for your principles.

All THIS means Plan B is working just fine.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT
----------------
Leap and the net will appear.

WAT is exactly right. Plan B success is all about the BS, not the WS. Success means detaching from the drama and taking your life back from the insanity.

Both Wat and Orchid are right....but hopefully Wat's signs happen quickly no matter how long it takes the WS to defog. The difference is that the purpose of Plan B is primarily to bring peace and an end to chaos for the BS. There are no guarantees that it will do the same thing for the WS, and while it MAY, the motivation must be rooted in protection and change for the BS...not the expectation that it will shock or change the WS.

Pebbles:

I think I understand why you are asking this question. I remember what it was like for me during the early stages of PLAN B and realistically, it seems to me, a normal question for you to be asking.

I found it helpful to read back over and over the following information.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

I think some folks question my continual reference to the Harley principles on the forum. However, I only share what proved to be a lifesaver to me. I relied almost religiously on these principles . I'm not saying that this will recover your marriage although it did mine. I'm just saying that it's important to have A PLAN, some GUIDELINES, A LIFESAVER when you are drowning in the ocean.

I never had a chance to get to the place in PLAN B that WAT describes. I saw PLAN B as the second phase of PLAN A. The goal for me was MARITAL RECOVERY. I had faith that my H's A would eventually end so I was asking the question that you are asking. How do you interpret the above information written by Dr. Harley? That's how I interpret what he was saying.

I think that you are too early into PLAN B to see any signs. I do agree with the need for you to focus on yourself during this time, to try to adjust to leading your life alone, try to figure out how to have some fun.

The opportunity for them to be with each other 24/7 actually is great, I think. Can you believe I am saying this? He is just beginning to test her out and soon her failures will become obvious. She thinks that she has it made now and she will begin her demands and lovebusting. They will try to lead a real life and their fantasy will have to end. Embrace the opportunity that they have to be together in their h#$%$hole. The A will eventually end. He will begin to suffer and miss you. NOT YET, though.

The one and only sign that you will be able to detect is: HE WILL TRY TO CONTACT YOU. If you are really DARK, it will be hard for him to do so. So he will become desperate...

If and when this does happen, don't make the mistake that I and many others have of prolonging his contact with you. Part of PLAN B, I think, is feeling strong and good enough about yourself and clear about your boundaries to be able to stand firm about this. I was instructed by Steve Harley to make my answer to his pleas for contact with me, SHORT AND SIMPLE. Communication to WS: "GET RID OF THE OW" and then we can talk..... "How are you going to GET RID OF THE OW?" Make this a broken record when he becomes slick enough to be able to contact you since YOU ARE DARK IN YOUR PLAN B..

This is my POV and experience on this....

Thank you so much for your replies, Orchid, WAT, MelodyLane, star*fish, and mimi!

I do understand that the primary purpose of Plan B is to remove the BS from the drama and to help the BS take control of his/her life. I am trying, really I am! Like mimi said, I do have the ultimate goal of trying to restore my marriage. I realize that I am very early in Plan B. I want to make sure I know what might happen, so I can be ready for anything.

Regardless of what happens with my marriage, I know Plan B will make me a stronger, happier person. It's kind of hard, though (whine).

All of your input is very valuable. Thank you!

Pebbles -

You are way too early in Plan B to see any signs. Your WH may try very hard to talk to you, leave notes for you, etc. That is because he is trying to see if your boundaries are strong.

My WH came over to the house, stood out on the porch and begged to talk to me. He showed up at work. He left me love letters. Unfortunately, I broke Plan B. Then I heard nothing from him for 4 months.

One day he called me at work, and announced that he was in the process of moving back home. AND HE STILL HAD OW!!!!!!

So my advice to you is to stick with Plan B. Stay dark, dark, dark. Don't expect anything from him. Just work on making your life good again. The better Plan B you do, the better chance for your marriage. But even if it does not work out for your marriage, you will be a better and happier person.

Pebbles, one thing I have learned is not to second guess the WS while in Plan B. I have seen a completely silent, disinterested WS suddenly come back from the dead with no warning. It was later learned that he was in intense pain from Plan B, but the BS thought he was just indifferent. And then I have seen a seemingly intensely motivated WS with a strong reaction to Plan B, simply refuse to let go of the OP. It is such a wild card!

It really is best to not attempt to read them either way, because I have seen seemingly hopeless situations turn positive and vice versa. There is just no way to predict.

I think the best thing for a BS in Plan B to do is to focus on their own lives and to not get your hopes up. The more detached you become, the easier it is to deal with whatever happens.

And Pebbles, I just want to tell you that I think you are doing a fabulous job. I know that you MUST wrassle with your own wrecked emotions at times, and I so admire you for not allowing them to wreck your strategy. That takes enormous strength of character. You keep them in check very well and I am so very proud of you for that.

Well, I picked up a BAD cussing problem living in Michigan for 15 years! I moved back home in 2000 and people were SHOCKED to hear my potty mouth! Ladies DO NOT curse down here! I had to retrain my potty mouth. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

The point is, if you are in a good Plan B, you won't hear anything. It's time for the WSs to do their thing, and time for you to stop looking at it and do yours.

If you've blocked his emails, return letters unopened, screen phone calls -- it's very likely you won't hear anything, especially over time. If he's proud and doesn't want to appear to be begging, you won't hear anything either.

Don't know what the original post you refer to is (maybe it wasn't me). I live in a small town. I see WH & OW regularly. They don't look happy, but it will be almost impossible for him to admit he made a mistake.

His rectitude and a miserable-looking OW is what he gets to keep. (Actually, not even that -- I think she'll bolt eventually). I get my freedom.

I'm not at all discontented with the separation. He looks a mess -- psychologically and physically. I'll be fine. That's a successful Plan B.

I like Star's POV better than WATs!!! LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Ok, I gave the POV from the WS side and WAT gave it from the BS' side (I think). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

So in reality to the BS, there is encouragement no matter what happens. Why? Because plan B is to help the BS move forward.

The WS w/b left in the dust if he/she remains as is. Life does not stand still for no one. So the WS either has to get with the plan or sink in the mire of the A.

JMHO,
L.

I just found this thread again. Thank you, believer, MelodyLane, T.A., A.M.Martin, and Orchid for your replies!

I was probably confused (happens to me a lot lately, LOL) about who I cited in my original post. Sorry, A.M.Martin, for citing you erroneously.

Okay, I will not try to second-guess WH during Plan B (as much as I can help it, LOL). And I will stay dark.

If anything, I would expect my WH to be one of the ones who seem indifferent. His only attempts at contact so far have been subtle, few and far between. For example, he has tried to come to the door when dropping off the kids - to ask me to return video games, or he has asked our son to tell me to call him about switching visitation days, when the arrangements have already been finalized.

I'd probably have a heart attack if he stood on the front porch shouting to me through the door to get me to talk to him, especially if the word 'love' was involved.

I guess 'wait and see' is the only thing to do.

Orchid said:I'll try to keep this in mind. According to this, no matter what happens, things will get better for me (and the kids, I hope).

Thanks again, everyone.

Well I liked Melody's post because it does describe what attitude the WS may adopt and that doesn't seem to have any pattern to it with respect to the recovery or not of the marriage. I was glad to read it. I have been in a very dark plan B for 5 and 1/2 months and WH has made no attempts to talk etc. I don't even know what he's looking like lately because I haven't seen him.

On the other hand it is only now after several months that I am feeling better and yet I don't feel up to facing him yet. I don't feel strong enough to enforce my boundaries, or to start recovery... It seems to be taking ME a long time. I do have a life, a new job, new activities etc but yet I still feel I'm "on hold" waiting for a sign from WH...

I'm sure he was very hurt by plan B but that didn't stop him frm letting OW go live with him. As far as I know she's still there but I don't really know much.

I'll let you guys know how it works out in about 6 months!!!!