I have been married to my wife for 11 years. We have 2 children. We have had our share of problems, and now it seems to be nearing the end. She has no interest in me anymore. I try (beg) her to tell me what is wrong, and she never really opens up. We started seeing a marriage councelor, and she states that I am irresponsible. The last session, she complained about how I leave the cereal box on the counter. Now keep in mind, I am the one who takes care of things around the house.... I clean, vacuum, do all the yardwork, etc... and this is her main gripe... the cereal box! Anyway, the main thing that is worrying me, is her co-worker/boss. He and her talk all the time on the cell phone... like 3 times a day. She assures me they are just friends, and that I'm being a jealous freak! I guess it wouldn't bother me so much, accept the fact that she was drunk last year at an employee party and she kept hanging on him (literally), and telling him "I love you..." in that cutsy friend way. Other employees were looking at me like.. "Whew.. drunk wife".. and were giving me that look... like "If that were my wife". None the less, she ambarrassed me. She blew it off like it were no big thing. Another concern of mine is that 9 years ago, I had came home from work at lunch one day and found her and different male co-worker scrambling in the bedroom. His shirt was off. I played it cool like I didn't see anything and left. Later,She assured me nothing happened, and that she was just seeing "if she still had it". WTF???? Anyway, in time I forgave her. Now we are in the situation we are in now, and I can't help to think of her past. I try not to let it bug me, and know they are probably just friends, but I feel alone and not wanted. If she does have a good male friend, why can't she show me as much attention as she shows him? Am I just being over jealous (like she says), or do you think she's really having an affair? She pretty much tells me it's just me formulating these crazy idea's in my head, and thinks I'm the insane one, but with her past, can you blame me?

Thanks,

R

PS... It's been 2 months since sex. Sorry... I'm a man, had to include that.

Yep.

Get hot reading everything on this site about infidelity, including the link in my sig line below.

Her boss, huh? What kind of business and how big? Can you say "sexual harrassment"?

You are not crazy and don't let her make you think you are. Trust your gut.

Assume an EA at least but probably a PA.

Do more checking to get concrete evidence. Hire a PI if you can afford it. Then expose the A to those that can put as much pressure on them to end the A. Is OM married? If so, then exposure to OMW would be a priority.

You have kids. If anyone moves out, insist that it be your wife...and without the kids. The sooner they face the reality of their choices with consequences the sooner the fantasy will be hindered.

Get all of you financial stuff in order. Get an initial consultation with a lawyer to find out where you stand in your state.

Read up on and start Plan A.

knock it off ta---

Come on!
This is Blue guys first post.
Hence he's New!

If you want to Help, cool.

But keep the Nonsense to your own Threads please.

I was serious.

Why did he say he was a man? He said his "wife" througout the story. I assume wife = female, so husband = male.

I've never heard anyone say this before.

he was referring to the no sex thing---I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT "YOU" WOULD HAVE UNDERSTOOD THAT!

Good grief .....he means that the stereotype is that men "need" sex much more then women.

Hence his need to INCLUDE that particular detail for us.

*He ain't gettin NONE* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

Much like YOU!

And its A PROBLEM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
KaPeach?

I understood the no sex thing.

I found it strange that he said he was a male.

Who knows what their relationship is all about? I'm sure not all couples are straight, some people are Bi, Trans, etc...

I'm not saying he isn't, I thought it curious that he came back at the end and said he was a male. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Sorry, I misunderstood.

Why would it make a difference if a male or female didn't have sex for 2 months?

2 months is still a long time for either sex.

Sorry for hijacking this thread.

Blue - breath deep. Listen to the folks here. They know what they are talking about.

Prepare for a long road. You can get through this, but it will take some time.

These people know what they are talking about.

Thanks for the input.

I'm just curious. Are there steps for forgiveness if she really is having an affair. My 2 children come to mind. I can't live without them. I could never handle the "weekend dad" visits if we divorced... I'd miss out on so much of thier everyday happenings. But on the other hand, what is the point of being married when you can't share and love life with the one you love?

theblueface

Play by the info on this site and you'll have the best chance of not having to deal with a divorce. But it's not guaranteed.

As an aside, do not for a minute assume you will be left being a weekend Dad. Start today being the best Dad you can be and if divorce happens, perhaps the weekend visits will be for Mom.

WAT

She pretty much tells me it's just me formulating these crazy idea's in my head, and thinks I'm the insane one, but with her past, can you blame me?

In my opinion...she is trying to gaslight you.

My suggestion would be to say something..ANYTHING...if you come home and find men scrambling about your bedroom! Especially if they are in a state of undress. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

You pretended to see nothing then..and you played it cool. You set the stage for this type of continuing behavior by not saying and doing something then.

That doesn't mean that you can't say something NOW about this continuing behavior.

Do not shrug it off...you have enough red flags to cover Russia.

committed

Dont' automatically assume your wife should have custody of the children or have them living with her as their primary residence. Like I said before...if anyone should move out it should be your wife, the one having the A. Mortarman's W moved out and he had primary or sole custody until her A ended and they recovered their marriage. You need to find out the laws in your state so you know your rights and can be prepared for a possible battle...not that there will necessarily be one.

You can save your marriage, but you are just beginning this process. You will need a plan. Don't believe that you have lost before you even get started.

Affairs thrive in secrecy. You will need to do what you need to do to expose the A.

I hate to tell you this but you have almost all of the red flags except for physically walking in on them in the act. If you have the resources then hire a PI, get a handheld scanner to listen to her cellphone if you are closeby. DO NOT sit by helplessly like most of us did at first and play the victim. That will get you nowhere. Work hard at finding out what is going on, once you know then decide what you want to do as far as divorce or saving the marriage and implement a plan using the excellent information on this site and the help of others who have already been through what you are going through.

As far as getting info from your spouse, getting an apology or her falling all over herself to make things right, you can forget that. Please read the other stories on this board and you will see that is very rare. She has already justified in her mind that she is not doing wrong because of either something you have done or the fact that she has every right to follow and express her true FEELINGS.

There is one good thing. Women are much easier to catch in an affair than men because they usually get more emotionally involved and take more chances. They also are usually more visible due to the emotional attachment. If something is going on, you will find it with hard work. Good luck.

Hello,

I am sorry what you are going through but I simply can't believe how you could have been in such denial. You come home in the past and find your wife in the bedroom with another man without his shirt and you play it cool by pretending you did not see anything? My friend, she totally disrespected you and your marriage and your home. She brought another man in your bed in your house. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

She is now all over her boss telling him she loves him at a party with you standing and watching her and people showing pity on you? Closing your eyes and mind does not make the sexual affair with the boss go away. You both need to be tested for STD's. Clearly she has no respect for you. It is doubly sad that apparently you have such little respect for yourself. She will never respect you until you stand up for yourself and establish boundaries. It does not sound to me that you are "playing it cool." By avoiding conflict you make it inevitable that she will continue to engage it this type of behavior. Her comment that she was seeing if she still had it and that is why she brought another man into your home and your marital bed is pathetic. The fact that you could accept this line of reasoning is unbelievable. If the roles were reversed, do you think she would have accepted it and looked the another way? What a very sad post. I hope you learn to stand up and stop accepting such humiliation. You don't deserve this.

Blue,

You sound like you are committed to saving the marriage even if there is an affair. Step one you need to confirm whether there is an affair or not. My guess from what you say is yes, and possibly more than one. But you need to know for sure before you confront.

Once you have confirmed there is an affair you'll want to try to end the affair and work on saving your marriage. Ending the affair is usually no easy task. Read up on Plan A and Plan B. They give you tools to try to help the affair end even without much cooperation from your WS.

Thirdly I'd recommend seeing a lawyer to see what your legal moves may be if either of you decide a divorce is the best course of action. There are definitely right and wrong moves for men in the legal system and its good to know them up front. I think its best if you spouse doesn't know about this visit to start with.

There you go! That's all I got. Hang in there and read the info on these boards. You're surrounded by people here who have been through very similar circumstances! We're here to help. Some marriages survive the affairs some don't, you'll read about all different cases on here.

Cheers,

Miker