My FWH is having a really hard time with the guily and shame of what he has done. Our 1 year DDay is July 6, 2005. There was not complete NC with the OW until Feb. 2005. There was no relationship going on but we were all going to the same church so they continued to see each other at church.

I think that with complete NC he has finally realized how much he hurt his family. The reality of what he has done is sinking in and he does not know how to deal with it.

He talked to me for about two hours last night about the affair and things he had done. I did not cry (I wanted to). I was strong and tried to comfort him. I just sat and listened. I did not know what to say or how to respond.

How am I supposed to deal with this? What am I supposed to be doing to help him? I really want to be the "Godly Wife" and do this the right way. I pray everyday for the Lord to give me strength.

Lifted Up

LU
no advice. My Squid is destroyed by shame and regret now too almost a year after d-day.

I don't know what to do either but love her and be safe in the knowledge that such repentence is met my forgiveness and salvation by God. That is my hope because from such is happiness achieved.

My husband has been very remorseful from the beginning. I think that because we made no changes (the church) until now it has taken him this long to realize what he has done and the pain and damage it has caused.

I want to make all of this pain he is feeling go away. I just do not know how.

You cant! Not really. Actually, by you being forgiving and offering him grace, he feels even more guilty. How do I deserve this woman?

Point him to Christ. He is the ONLY one that will take that away. Your husband needs to understand that if Christ has forgiven him, then it is forgiven. And he has the added bonus that you have forgiven him.

Point him to Christ. bring him here and let us talk to him. Take him to your pastor, and let them work things out. A Godly woman doesnt just sit by silently. He is your head...but he has a head also. He should be in submission to Christ. Point your husband to Him, and get others that can point him towards Jesus.

Jesus can take care of this. In reality, He already has. It is getting your husband to believe it. It is time for your husband and Jesus to have some quiet time. Your pastor can help. So can some Godly men around him (or here).

Point him towards Jesus. Then pray and trust.

In His arms.

We left the church that we had been members of for 7 years because of the affair. My husband was the drummer. It is a very large church 1000 members. Six pastors at that church and not one of them helped. I went to them in the beginning and told them what was going on. They did not do anything. Allowed both my FWH and the OW women to continue in their ministries.

We really do not feel that we have a pastor to go to. We are both very spiritual. And we do pray together. We are both listening or trying to listen to what we feel the Lord is telling us. Right now he is telling us to run from our church.

He knows about MB'ers but I am not sure he would come here. I guess finding the Godly men is the hard part. We do not know who to trust.

Lifted Up

I hate to butt in to your thread, but as a FWH who is experiencing a tremendous amount of guilt, shame, remorse and depression who is NOT religious, any advice for me on how to cope?

Bad church. Find another one. Do research. Ask around.

Where do you live? What denomination do you usually frequent?

Norcalidiot,

Unfortunately, it is very hard for me to show you how to get away from the guilt, shame, etc. Why? Because I know that on our own, none of us are truly capable of doing that. We can dress it all up and even ignore it...but it will always be there.

So, if you want my suggestion on how to cope? No answer.

If you want my answer to how you can rid yourself of these things, then I only have one answer. Look to Jesus. You said you are not religious, etc. My suggestion is if you truly want to be rid of these things, to be a new man...to live your life with a purpose, then you need to go and see what this is all about. Find out who Jesus is. Once you do, then you will know the answer. And once you accept that answer, then He will free you from all of your sins...as He paid for all of them.

I am serious. If you just want to cope, the world offers many coping mechanisms. None truly rid you of the pain. But if you want a new life, that can only be given by one person...one way.

But, it will be up to you. I, and others, can show you the way to Jesus. It will be up to you if you actually want to find Him. It will be upto you that you are finally sick of living your life this way...with having to cope...and you would like to find a new way. A batter way.

Let us know. I know Jesus...and He would love to talk to you.

In His arms.

Norcalidiot,

Ditto to Mortarman. For the philosophical worldly people who want a rational discussion of Christ, read Mere Christianity. A very insightful thought provoking book.

Without absolute morality, then we can only rely on relatavism. You will simply justify what you did to deflect the guilt.

Of course, cherishing your spouse and showing him/her to be more precious than anyone else is a good start for paying him/her back for the suffering you caused.

Go forth and sin no more.

Sleepless

I would also recommend all FWS's & FBS's see a good pro-m MC/IC. Our MC is helping us as individuals and as a couple to rebuild. She addresses everything from guilt & self-esteem issues to specific problems that existed in our M pre/during/post A. Frankly, I can't imagine how we could possibly work some of these things out on our own. She has been a real miracle worker.

The other thing that has surprised me is how group therapy works. I know, I felt the same revulsion to the idea initially. I thought - how in the world could I possibly spill my guts out to a group of psychotic strangers?? Note: I'm a very private person with a high-profile job and was absolutely mortified to let anyone know about the shameful deeds that I've done and was doing. Well, I will be the 1st to say that it has done wonders for me. Within 2 months, it's helped me to open up, learn from others' mistakes and suggestions, make a decision on my A, return to my H, rebuild my self esteem and look forward to a much brighter future. It's certainly something to consider; I highly recommend it!

Good luck!

My H's guilt was mostly healed by a group process ... his AA meetings. He'd share. He'd listen. He was led toward healing by other men who had walked the same path and ended up superior men in the long run. The group process and performing the 12 step program gave him goals to focus on and guidelines to follow. This comes close to a spiritual guide for the "religiously challenged" who don't know where to turn. Find a 12 step program.

Not for everyone. But really helped Mr. Pep find himself, be proud of himself, love himself ... and all that jazz.

Pep

Thanks. My IC had recommended a 12 step program such as AA for me and I've been making excuses not to go, but I'm thinking more seriously about it now......

You may find it helps you more than anything else in your life.

When you go, make the most of it ... and ask questions ... and be sure to identify yourself as a newcomer so you will be properly welcomed.

Good luck

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