After D-Day, I was so afraid that I would have to go through withdrawal, which (in the past) ranged from bawling for hours to vomitting to horrific nightmares.

Luckily, I've not had any of the withdrawal symptoms aside from my inability to suppress thinking about the OM, but it's not in the sense of missing him or pining for him. Not at all. It's more along the lines of triggers and memories - most of which are not pleasant since they're associated w/ so much self-loathing and guilt.

So, when I had a nightmare 3 days after D-day about returning to the OM, I was terrified. Although Suzet mentioned it's just my brain trying to process the events, I was still concerned. Well, I'm happy to report I've only had 1 other dream about the OM since, and it happened last night. I dreamed that the OM contacted me, begging me to come back like he's done in the past, and I was able to walk away. God, that felt so good! When I woke up, I was so proud of myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I know this may sound bizarre to many, but I've been battling nightmares and insomnia since grade school. I finally got help for it 4 years ago, and the A just brought it all back. So, my dreams/nightmares play a significant role in my life, and for me to be able to stand up to the OM and walk away in my dream was a HUGE confidence booster for me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for reading.

Oh, BTW - I do agree w/ TMCM re: how fog can be lifted quicker. I think it helps tremendously for a WS if the decision to leave the OP was based on knowing/believing that it was the right choice for the WS, and not just b/c it's the right choice for society. Luckily for me, they happened to be 1 and the same. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I can completely appreciate how good that type of dream feels! Can you share the dream with your H?

Cat

Whisper, it sounds if you are in a very good place emotionally & mentally and I think you’re doing very well, my friend! I feel very proud of you, you know! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Regarding the dream – I can just imagine how good it must have felt for you to be able to walk away from the OM in your dreams. I agree with Cat_A, it might be a good idea to share your dream with your H. Maybe it will help to show him how committed you are to him and the M AND how committed you are in doing the right things – not only for society and your M, but most importantly for YOURSELF and for your own personal well-being! What do you think?

Blessings,
Suzet

CAT/Suzet - I've been a somewhat hesitant in telling my H everything that's in my head and heart, as I don't want him to think that I'm constantly thinking about the OM - even though the thoughts are positively-inclined toward our M. I just don't want to further damage his confidence and self esteem. What do you think? Will this further reassure him or just make him think that I'm thinking about the OM again?

Hmm, as nice as it seems it would be to tell your H about the dream, I personally would NOT EVER want to know the OWs wer still walking around in my H's head. This is, of course, just my opinion, but it would honestly cause me a bit of heartache and anxiety.

I'm glad you feel as if you are moving beyond OM and that the grip of the affair is moving on,but honestly, I do not see how telling him about your dreams would help him out.

Sorry ladies.

That's what I was afraid of. Any other thoughts?

In fact, I know this sounds crazy, but I actually keep 2 lists everywhere I go: 1 with all the reasons why I left the OM and 1 with all the reasons why I returned to my H. A friend of mine suggested that I read the lists to my H, but I'm just so afraid that it'll just rehash the whole image of the A to my H. I don't want him to go through that kind of pain when he's telling me that he's getting over my A. What do you think?

This is going to sound super-profound, but everybody's different, and different at different times. I was really happy when my H told me about his OW dream problem, for several reasons. 1}He was being open and honest with me about it. 2}It indicated to me that he missed her and thus had finally entered true withdrawal. (Like yours, very easy overall except for the dreams.) 3)It gave me a chance to comfort him about something, since right now it's mostly the other way around.

Maybe even a few months from now I would feel differently. It's really hard to say. This is not meant to advise you to tell him, because you may not be able to predict his reaction. My H was certainly expecting me to be mad/hurt. If your H feels he is getting past it, maybe leave it alone until he brings the subject up, then play it by ear whether you should say anything then. Others, more experienced than I, might give you different advice.

Thanks, NSYN. What I've been doing is telling him what he asks for, nothing more, nothing less. Perhaps he'll probe for more as we progress. If so, I'm very prepared to answer the tougher questions. I just don't want to force-feed too much before he's ready to accept all the horrific details. 'tis all.

Any other thoughts/suggestions? (Particularly from other BH's?)

Whisper, after reading the other responses you’ve received, it seems to me that the above is the best way to go e.g. only tell him if he probes for more and only answer what the asks for…this is a good guideline. It’s true that TMI (Too Much Information) can be harmful to your H and I remember I’ve told you the exact same thing in the past… <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hopefully some BH’s will pop in to give their opinions as well.

Blessings,
Suzet

I agree, I think what she is doing, providing answers when he wants it, is extremely helpful. He may be someone who can only take in a little at a time or needs relatively little to begin with.

I do want to say that for me personally, part of the reason knowing his OWs are in his head would be because as far as all the evidence I have is (from speaking with the girls involved) were his affairs were not of the heart-- he needed an ego boost and he used them, simply put. I'd have a hard time seeing an 'attachment' with them in his head. He never had a love affair so I have not had to deal with that- and honestly, I couldn't have tolerated that. There's only so much I am willing to handle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

It may be differant when you know the WS is going through withdrawal. I didn't have this problem or issue, so I needed to let you know my experience and feelings may not work in your situation.

I just admire that you are working on your marriage and showing remorse. Our recovery didn't truly begin until I understood he *really was* sorry.

Thank you. And, believe me. I apologize for my actions every day.