I am positive my wife is having an affair with a coworker, and i need some advice about how to proceed. This has been going on for about a month now, and is not the first time it has happened. She cheated on me with her old BF while we were engaged, and broke off the engagement. She never really owned up to this, but i know it happened. Later after we did get married, i discovered she was carrying on EAs and cybersex with a bunch of different guys last fall. she denied this repeatedly (of course!) until i confronted her with evidence. She was very angry but agreed to give up her online habits, and true to her word she did. well, all the warning signs of an affair started about a month ago. I found out about it two weeks ago when she never came home one night. i got back into her email and found a number of messages about how they had met and how much fun they had had. The messages had very strong sexual innuendo, but no smoking gun i guess. I (foolishly in hindsight) went over to the guy's house that night and tried to confront them, but he refused to answer the doorbell despite my repeated ringing. The next day she told me she had gone out with friends from work, had too much to drink, and fallen asleep on this guy's couch. that afternoon she moved out, said she needed some space to think about things and work things out. I confronted her about the emails, and she didn't have a very good response to it, but continued to insist it was innocent. it was making her very upset, and things were still spinning for me, so i dropped it. She has informed me she wants a divorce. Since this time we have had a few very nice talks, and are getting along better the last little while. She did agree to go to counseling, but i believe it was just cause it was the "right thing to do" and she doesnt want to quit until she says she has tried it. I believe she thinks she has convinced me that the affair was all in my head.
One slightly complicating factor in all this is that we are scheduled to move at the end of this month to a new city. We have been planning this for over a year, and were talking about detailed plans about the move etc. right up until the day she walked out on me. Now she doesn't want me to come with her.
I need advice on how to proceed at this point. I take no responsibility for these affairs, they were her choice. I am understanding finally why i made her so unhappy and what was missing in our relationship, and am willing to change those things about myself (ie implement plan A). i also understand the affair needs to stop. I've gotten all the standard lines, "i love you but not in love with you," "the marriage was a mistake, we were never right for each other" etc. Our sex life was never good ever since we were married. it was clear from the beginning that she was not very attracted to me sexually, which has been a source of stress for both of us.
She has very little interest in saving the marriage, but I do. she says she has tried mightily (strangely without informing me) to change her feelings for me but to no avail. I am guessing the plan in her mind is to continue denying the affair, dupe me, live out this separation for the next month or so, and then sneak off to the new city without me, and get a divorce. I believe in her mind this would allow her to avoid really dealing with what she has done, and allow her to spare me from hurt by not knowing the real truth.
So what is the best way to proceed at this point? I will not stop fighting for my marriage until it is over, and she will have to be the one to end it. I believe i need to confront her about the current and past affairs (which were never really dealt with). The evidence i have is absolutely conclusive in the past ones, and sufficient in the present one that any reasonable person examining the evidence would come to the conclusion that they are seeing each other. How do you institute an effective plan A while separated, and moving towards a more permanent (geographical) separation?
Thanks
