My wife and I have been happily married seven years. Over the past couple of years our sex life has been less than spectacular and few and far between. Well, I guess I should just cut to the chase, I had and affair. It lasted about 2 weeks before I put an end to it. It began April 6 and ended April 19th of this year.

The day I ended it was a wonderful day, I came home that evening and my wife was sleeping on the couch. She was the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I had such a good perspective on life. I realized that our marriage may not be perfect, but it was still the best thing that has ever happened to me. I actually wanted kids; I never did before. I began to treat my wife like the princess that she is. For 2 weeks our marriage seemed like had never been better.

Then it happens. The OW says she is late for her period. She tells me that on May 4th. I can see my world crumble before my eyes. We take a urine pregnancy test on May 4, 5, and 6th around noon. They all come out negative. I read on the internet that the urine test are not all that accurate. I ask her to take another on May 11th. It is still negative. Regardless of the results, I am still flipping out. I am feeling so guilty, ashamed and sorry, I turn to the only place I know. I go see a priest. I tell him my situation and he is very understanding. I tell him I want to tell my wife, he advises me not to, at least not at this point. After talking with him for a while, he tells me to go home and love my wife.

The other woman tells me on May 15th that she finally got her period. By this time, I am so strung out that I don’t believe her, so we go get a blood test. The results come back negative the next day. Now I find myself wondering if the vials of blood got mixed up at the lab.

Over that week and a half, I hardly sleep and eat. I lose 10lbs. My wife knows something is going on, I tell her it is work. That makes sense because my job sucks. I am literally making myself sick. I go see my doctor, I confess everything to him and he tells me to take a couple of deep breaths, she is not pregnant. Over the course of the next week I get a STD test, why, I don’t know I have know symptoms. I see my doctor a couple of more times and he give me some anti-anxiety medicine.

I know that I deserve all of this, but the thought of the hurt that I will cause my wife kills me. It has gotten so bad that suicidal thoughts have entered my head. I have a good life insurance policy, and if I destroy both of our lives, at least she will be taken care of. I know that to still think the OW is pregnant is not realistic, but for some reason I can’t shake off that possibility, no matter who tells me otherwise, even the OW. In some respects, I am a better man, I see the real value of my marriage and my wife. I have changed the way I treat her. I don’t sweat the small stuff anymore. My wife has even said that our marriage has never been better. If she only knew how it got that way.

I know that I made my bed and now I have to sleep in it. The shame and guilt is not worth the affair. I am so stupid for doing what I did. My therapist tells me it was a mistake, learn from it, but I need to get past it. Every time I here about a pregnancy, my stomach turns, every time I see the other woman, my stomach turns, every time my wife tells me she loves me, I just want to breakdown and cry. While I know I need to get past it, I don’t want to forget the lessons learn, but I can’t handle reliving it.

Eddie

Well...

I am a BS (Betrayed Spouse) and when my W told me about her A it was the most devistating hurtfull thing anyone has ever done to me. BTW...I have been shot, twice (long story, but off subject)

As much as it has all hurt and still hurts to this day I am glad she told me. If you don't tell her and she finds out on her own, it will be worse. If you want to make things right, then you have to be honest.

But, you must be prepared that she may dump you, which she has every right to. What you did was very low of you. I am telling you as a BS that as bad as you think you hurt her, what she will feel when she finds out will be way way worse.

You need to tell her. If she askes you details, be completely honest, no matter how hard it is for you to tell. Any lying now will only come back and bite you in the [censored].

Eddie, can I just ask you a question that I REALLY don't understand? Have you heard of AIDS? Why, why would you have sex with someone without a condom?!

The most amazing thing to me about the Coby Bryant case wasn't the fact he cheated, it was the fact that he slept with someone he didn't know without a condom! I really don't understand. In some ways I can understand A, but no condom? I just don't get that.

You are lucky, lucky, lucky.
2

Godhelpme2

I understand the no condom thing. My W had sex with her OM a couple of times with out protection. I couldn't believe it. She was tested and cleared.

What I didn't get was that she was always extremely carefull with protection. We have a friend that is HIV positive and she had a friend die of AIDS. See we think it was because she was in such a bad place with guilt etc, that she didn't care what happened to her. She said she got tested before having sex with me after the two times she had unprotected sex.

I am not justifying what she did...but I admit I have had unprotected sex a few times before I met her. I mean...can't explain it other then peoples IQ's drop when naked.

You have to tell your W. If you do not, this will eat at you like acid for the rest of your life. And, if your W finds out any other way, it will be far, far worse than you telling her.

Hemidart was shot? Well, not trying to one up, but I had a brain tumor, and I can tell you that was NOTHING compared to finding out my H was in an A.

That having been said, thanks to MB, my H and I are making it. I love him dearly, and I am glad I stayed to work it out.

Read everything on this site. Post often. Post your story over on General Questions II. There is more traffic there and you will get more response.

Good luck.

well, I am not so sure I would want to hear about a brief affair that was completly over and done with. IF THAT is the truth, and your marriage is better for it, then maybe telling her is not the best thing.

My husband cheated on me, but I found out before the affair had competely ended. If it had ended and he KNEW that he had made a huge mistake never to be repeated again, then frankly, I would wish to never know. Now I am filled with self doubt and anger and suspicion about everything he is doing. And I know I have that right, but now I get to be sick and filled with anxiety.

If he had this realization of OMG, I DO love my wife, I DONT want to lose what we have and THANK GOD I have the opportunity to FIX what I can without telling me, I would have preferred it.

His anxiety and guilt is HIS burden to bear, NOT mine. IT becames the punishement that fits the infedelity.

AND if I were to have found out years later, it would sure be easier to hear, yes I made a mistake, I realized it and I never ever thought of doing it again, it was years ago and I carried the burden of guilt for us both, than to hear,

yeah, 3 weeks ago I cheated on you but now I feel guilty and have to tell you so that I can feel better....but oh, it didnt mean anything and I am really sorry.

jmnsho.

I agree, A's are devistating. I'm the BS and my XW cheated. I'm also a cancer survivor. When I speak about the cancer I say it was easy compared to my XW's cheating on me.

That came closer to killing me than cancer ever did.

The thing is, the affair will kill her if you don't tell her for sure. If you do tell her and say that you would like to be forgiven and work on the marriage is the best avenue for success.

T

I am a BS. I found out a couple of months ago and I can't lie, my world is still quite unreal and I am still in pain, but I am getting better every day.
My H had a brief affair too and decided not to tell me. I found out many months later, by myself. The A in itself hurts soo much even now, but the fact that he didn't tell me hurts me even more. In a way I can see the A as some sort of "temporal insanity", the denying and not telling for so long cannot be.
Personally, if I had the choice of finding by myself, hearing it from him or not ever knowing about this, I would choose to find from him first, finding out myself second and never finding out third.
I wish he came out straight and told me everything when I found out. He was supposedly trying to avoid my suffering and things came out in pieces with time.
Now that I know I can understand better what was going on with him during that time, we can talk about things more openly... I wish I wouldv'e never found out to avoid myself the suffering, but I think I have grown from this.
One thing is that the damage is already done, whether you tell her or not is nor going to make the difference. If she knows she can understand your problems as a couple better and help make your marriage better.
However, you also need to consider how is this going to affect her. People react differently and you can expect her reaction to be the most extreeme thing you have ever seen. There are some books out there that talk about the decision of telling or not (e.g. After the affair, by Abrahams).
If you decide to tell, be prepared. She will go through a lot. You might consider getting some books and reading before hand to be the best you can for her.
I am sorry for what you are going through, really, but you need to remember you created this mess and its your job to "fix" it.
Best of luck.