Hello, First time to post. Been married almost 14 years and together for 20. We do not have any children and are both 39yo. Husband is a good man. We have been very focused on school, careers, starting a business, buying and renovating houses, but along the way stopped meeting each others emotional needs. Then one day I saw a man that at first site I had to meet, which I did. From the first moment, I wanted this person and he responded in kind. He too seems like a good person. He is single, no kids and not in a relationship. He is different from my husband is some ways (not handy, not as smart, less stable financial future, but he is social, fun, adventurous, lives more in the moment). This man makes me feel wanted, interesting, desired. We both are athletic and enjoy training and racing. He lives about 2 1/2 hours away, but we have spent a lot of time together. Before I met him, I already felt like I had one foot out the door in my marriage, then my husband found out about this man and we decided to go to counseling. We have been going, but I haven't given it 100% because I'm not ready to give up on this other person. I have feelings for this man and am getting my emotional needs met by him. He has very strong feelings for me and knows how conflicted I am, but has said he doesn't want to lose me. I moved out about 3 weeks ago and my husband has told me that he realizes things have to change and he wants them too because he wants me and us. I'm just afraid things might be great for awhile and then we will fall back into the same rut and be in this same place. I really do not know what to do and am very lost and confused.

You and your H both could probably learn a lot by reading the material on this site. Perhaps you could suggest that he visit the site.

It is highly suggested that you read the articles and have a grasp of the MB concepts prior to posting on the board.

You will gain a better understanding of why your marriage is failing and why you are seeking out someone else to meet your emotional needs.

Perhaps your marriage can be saved, perhaps it can't. So long as you are seeing the other man it will most likely be the latter. No contact with the other man is a must if you have any hope of marital recovery.

It's good you came here. I hope you stay. You might get a few fingers waggled at you (getting mine warmed up), but don't think people here don't understand, because speaking for myself, I do. I'm sorry for the trouble you've got yourself in.


Do you think it's unusual for someone who's been married 14 years to be interested in someone new?


Something you might have shared with your husband. Try to remember, honestly, your one-foot-out-the-door thoughts before your affair partner appeared.


Fair enough. You have an obligation to give up on him, you know. Maybe that's not your plan. Your emotions are in charge much of the time, I'm guessing.


He's an invader, an interloper. Had no business sticking his nose in your marriage. Did you tell him you were married at the start (no points if your answer is "yes")?


I reckon that's normal. Maybe you're afraid you'll give up the OM and down the road, maybe soon, when things aren't just right with your husband, you'll wonder, did I miss a wonderful opportunity? And for a while, you probably will. Until you get over your attachment to the other man and see this affair for what it is.

Affairs are not wonderful opportunities. They're terrible tragedies. If you turn your back on your husband, who sounds like he's ready to do what it takes, you will be diminished forever by that act. And you will cause him enormous pain. Believe me. The burden of what you've done will never go away. And it will be a heavy burden to bear.

Humility.
Compassion.
Patience.
Courage.

Get some. Those are the things you need. Not the other man. To be a person who can look herself in the mirror, you'll have to give up the other man, forever.

What matters to you in this life?

Lots of questions. I hope you stay and try to answer some.

GC

mtb:

"but I haven't given it 100% because I'm not ready to give up on this other person"

When you are, come the hell on back and let's see if we can help you out, okay?

-ol' 2long

Movedtobeach, I think deep down in your heart you already know what to do because you wouldn’t post on a Marriage Builders forum if it wasn’t the case…correct? You KNOW what is the right thing to do…and it is to stop ALL contact with the OM and start focusing on your H and M and working through your marital problems etc… And as someone has said earlier, please don’t think that the people here don’t understand, THEY DO… And I, as a Former WS, especially understand and have empathy for your feelings of confusion because of your attraction to the OM. I have been there myself and experienced that, but let me tell you, feelings is NEVER an excuse to ACT on them…especially if you know the feelings is wrong, inappropriate and will be hurtful to your H, M and other people close to you (or close to the OP). We can’t always control our feelings (feelings come and go) but we CAN and MUST control our actions… And you need to start control your actions and do the right things IN SPITE of your attraction/feelings for the OM. As soon as you stop contact with the OM, you will start going through withdrawal from him, but the people on this forum will be here to help & support you through it...and as soon as you start with this process, your feelings for the OP will fade with time as well. I hope you will stay and keep posting.

Suzet

TA, your response was excellent.

MTB I can add nothing to the great advice you have received.

If you want to rebuild your M stay here and get great help.

If you want sympthy and support for your infidelity try www.gloryb.com and leave us alone.

Infidelity is wrong IMO.

Hmmm.. Sounds almost like my marriage. There is good information on this site for free. But Surviving an Affair might also benefit the two of you. My wife and I restored houses, wine tasted, ...., but then she felt she needed her EN met by a 19 year old. You can't replace the history you have with your husband. You can restore the passion and love. My wife chose not to due to her own emotional deficiencies. We were together 10 years, and have two boys.

I think you and your husband can have happiness, ESPECIALLY if he knows things have to change. Sounds like you both want it. Dump the other guy, you'll discover his flaws later. Yep, they're there.

I'm sure you will be happier if you work with your husband to fall in love again.

Sleepless

You're not unique. If you trust someone who's not in the middle of your emotional turmoil. Dump the boyfriend. Don't waste your money on any old counselor. If the steps on this website can't help you, then set up a session with Steve Harley. He's not a normal counselor. He effects change, but only if you do what he says.

Don't be fooled by that "feeling" The tingles go away after awhile. It's just a chemical endorphin rush. You can read about that too.

I know it's difficult to overcome those passionate emotions. But you can have them with your husband again too. What do you have to lose? You must break up with OM immediately. No contact. It will be easier since he's far away.

Okay, let's start with the "basics."

"Thou shalt NOT commit adultery."

The rest of your "dilemna" is simply justifying sin and extreme wrong in your mind so you can DO whatever it is that "you feel like doing."

Great Standards, but not for building a lasting relationship, much less a marriage.

Want to change?

If you do, we can help you. If you don't, there are plenty of sites that will tell you to indulge your feelings and do whatever you want to do.

[b]Your title says "Lover," have you had sex with him?

I'm not sure if a person who is in an EA (Emotional Affair) can be considered Lovers.

Maybe someone here can clarify for me?

Thanks

Andrew

Thanks for your replies. I know why my marriage is failing and why I am seeking someone else. I also understand that as long as I continue the affair with the OM, that my marriage will never work. I know I have to make that conscious decision to end it with OM and to cut out all contact, which would be easy since we do not live or work in the same town. However I still feel like if he weren't in the picture, I would still have reservations about giving my marriage another try. My H and I have been struggling with this for about 9 years and have been to conseling on 2 prior occasions, all for the same issues. Feelings for others have been involved in the past but no affairs until now.

Having your emotional needs met is so intoxicating. I don't know if I really have strong feelings for the OM or if I just like how he makes me feel. I know that is extremely selfish, but when you have felt so insignificant, unimportant and oppressed for so long, you don't want that feeling to stop. I am not looking for approval, sympathy or support. I am just using this forum to be honest about how I am feeling and how confused I feel. I thought moving out would make me miss my H and our life together, but instead I have enjoyed my independence and feel relieved. I really don't know what it is going to take for me to make a commitment either to my marriage or to being on my own. I am not stupid enough to end my marriage in the hopes that that this OM is my soulmate. Whether he is or not is irrelevant to me and my marriage. All I really know is that right now he is meeting my emotional needs. But I also know I am married and have to decide what I want and I also know that if I don't decide, I may lose the opportunity and the choice. Once my decision is made, I will know the steps to take.

I am afraid to commit to my husband and lose those good feelings that the OM is giving me and for some reason I am afraid that my H and I will not be able to give those feelings to each other because of our baggage. I question why we stopped doing it and why didn't we care enough to prevent it. Anyway, I am just rambling and I do appreciate the feedback. Kris

Read the concepts section above. Take the emotional needs questionnaire once as yourself and once as your H, then have him take it. Read the books Surviving an Affair, His needs/Her needs and After the Affair. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some immediate phone counseling.

The OM already is less than your H but you find him new and fun. Short term fun with long term effects. Think about it and stop using your other body parts to make your decisions.

It isn't easy once you have been bitten by the A bug. All the ugliness of your M will stand out. They were always there mixed in with the good stuff but right now the A virus only has you seeing the bad.

Get focused or you will continue t/b lost in the fog you have created.

If you don't want t/d this work, then there always is gloryb.com. They like WS' and OPs who cheat.

L.

MTB,

Speaking from the other side... It is an utterly disgusting, contemptible, rash, self-centered and quite possibly the single most hurtful thing you could ever have done to your husband. You also shouldn't try to make excuses, rationalize or speak of yourself as the good guy because all it boils down to is your being selfish, uncaring and generally not giving a damn(and that's putting it nicely) about what your husband feels. This goes for you as well as all the rest of the cheaters out there, "Till death do us part," that's what I remember. And unless I am mistaken, not one time did I hear anything even remotely close to "Till I get an itch in my crotch!"

MTB, you don't seem the least bit contrite. To be frank, I find your lack of remorse... creepy.

I thought moving out would make me miss my H and our life together, but instead I have enjoyed my independence and feel relieved.

Is "independence" the same as "ability to have an affair without having to be quite so sneaky about it"? Is "relieved" the same as "less troubled by my guilt because I don't have to see the person I'm planning on destroying"?

Look. Most people, especially women, have a difficult time dividing loyalties among more than one partner. If that's your problem, what to do when it's time for an affair? Well of course! Abandon your loyalty to your spouse. Then when you don't "miss" him, you can say, "Aha! I don't miss my husband. This marriage is clearly dead."

I question why we stopped doing it and why didn't we care enough to prevent it.

There's no "we" in this affair, sister. You didn't care enough to prevent it.

Your having gone to counseling before does not necessarily mean you and your H were putting the right kind of effort into your M. Most MCs really have no clue how to protect a marriage. They ask you to do exercises and all that jive, but they don't really find the roots of your problems and help you learn new habits and learn how to make each other happy.

GC

TA...man you made me laugh, you were so right on.

OK moved to the beach.
"I am not stupid enough to end my marriage in the hopes that that this OM is my soulmate. Whether he is or not is irrelevant to me and my marriage"

Ahhhh.....yeah....hello. Obviously there is a little stupidity there and obviously IT IS relevant. Because you are allowing it to happen. Don't tell me that is "Isn't about the OM"...I have heard it over and over from my WH.

"ITs not about her" "Its not about my cheating" Well as soon as you bring that other person into your marriage vow circle it becomes ALL ABOUT THE OP at least to the BS. My WH wasn't man enough to tell me he was unhappy, and yes he too had one foot out the door. So guess what...if you are so damn unhappy..either get some professional help or get a divorce. You do not have the right to trash your husband's heart and soul by betraying the love he has for you.

Yeah its nice to feel the warm fuzzy's and TOO BAD those feelings sometimes go away in long term marriages. But life doesn't always give us everything we want for free. We have to put a little effort into it.

My WH found a single, attractive woman who is very athletic and of course had a high paying job. Guess what no kids...no responsibility...play,play,play. And you know what I too am attractive and athletic, but I have a family that depends on me, I have a house to take care of.

There will always be an excuse....stop the affair. Look at yourself in the mirror and work on yourself and your marriage. If is doesn't work out...then you can go and see who is out there that might give you the warm fuzzies. Just stop doing it will you still have a spouse at home.

Hello Moved:

I can tell you are pretty confused. The emotional high from getting your needs met, especially after such a long time of going without, is quite intoxicating isn't it? I know, I'm a former wayward myself.

This is my advice to you from someone who has been in your situation. Choose one or the other, not both. It isn't fair to anyone involved. If you really think that you can't or don't want to be a wife anymore to your husband, begin the divorce process. File the papers. Who knows, he may start taking meeting your needs seriously once he is served. I do know this, until you disentangle yourself from this lover, nothing your husband does will fill up you love bank. He can't make deposits to it if you are involved with someone else.

Really, you once loved this man enough to marry him. At least show him some of respect that you would show to a family member. There are ways to end marriages that do not surrender your integrity. I suggest that if it is indeed your choice to end it you follow one of those ways. Until everything is settled, you need to dump the boyfriend. If he really cares so much for you, he will wait until you are single.

What would you do if your husband began to meet the needs that he neglected for all those years? What if the changes he made were real and lasting? You can fall in love with your spouse again, you really can.

Believe me, divorce really sucks. It will damage you both.

Thank you Comfortably Numb. You really got thru to me and I agree with you about the love bank. I know that I need to break it off with the OM and deal with my marriage. I can not keep reacting to those good feelings because they aren't from my H. You are right that I need to show more respect. One of my complaints about my marriage was that he made the decisions and controlled things. I need to make the decision and take control of the situation in either event, asking for a divorce or returning with the determination to make it work. Thank you again.

Comfortably Numb, have you actually ever heard that story? WS breaks it off with OP, honestly tries at the marriage, then gets divorced, all the while never associating with the OP. To me, this scenario is Sasquatch. I've heard people talk about it, but I've never heard of it happening in real life.

MTB, don't power struggle with your husband. Be his partner.

Who do you want to be?

GC