I don't get it. She snoops on my cell phone if I leave it unlocked to see what women I have in my phonebook. She snoops on my computer to see if I have photos of other women. She snoops in my car to see what she can find. She rifles through my pockets to find whatever she can.

Now, I did these same things 6 months ago, back when I cared about saving our marriage. She would tell me that she gave her bf up, so I would snoop to verify if that were the case, which always ended up not being the case. I was obsessed with knowing what she was up to, who she was with etc. because I wanted to save our marriage.

Now that I have decided to let go and move on and have begun meeting women she is the one who is obsessed. Why? She has supposedly moved on, why won't she let me? I don't care that she talks to her OM, I don't care that she sees her OM. I don't care, I just want this D to be final. Why does she care so much? I suspect that she is checking because it bothers her that I may be dating someone else. I guess what is good for the goose is not good for the gander. If it bothers her then she must not be over me. Why wouldn't she be? She has her "new and improved" man to make her happy why does she expend so much effort worrying about who I may be with?

I have had one date and when I got home from it (we are still living in the same house if you hadn't figured that out yet) she immediatly ran out and rummaged through my car. There were 2 condoms in my ash tray (givin to me as a joke by some co-workers who said I would be needing them) that I had moved from the ash tray to the drivers door pocket so my date wouldn't see them and think the wrong thing. Well, she confronts me and accuses me of sleeping with someone and using the two condoms since they were "missing". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> The next morning she rifles through my pants and finds the receipt for the restaraunt and confronts me on who I was with, since there were two meals on it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I just wish she'd LET IT GO!

Better Man, Better Off

Can't you move out? Or do you have to stay for legal reasons? I doubt she'll let it go until after you're not living together and/or divorced. Have you told your lawyer? Could your STBX be looking for evidence that you've been having an affair and therefore, strenghten her position?

Just curious, is it easy to get women to go out with you when your divorce isn't final and you're still living wiht your STBX?

Still in the house for legal reasons. That was my other theory - that the STBXW was looking for "dirt" on me. I'm told by my attny that once I filed for D, it doesn't matter if I started to date someone, it wouldn't be considered an "affair" in the sense of violating the marriage vows and couldn't be used against me in D court. I understand that most here would consider it an affair, but that's just what my attny said.

As for finding people to date, yes that does hinder the opportunities. That is also the reason I have had only one date. I told her on that date about my situation and she said to wait until I am officially D'd. We are still friends and talk occassionally, but haven't "dated" since. I have had several others say they are interested but want to wait 'till I am officially D'd. I can respect that, so in the meantime I just talk to them on the phone and do a lot of flirting.

Better Man, Better Off

Why are you so anxious to date that you cannot wait until your divorced?
One reason everyone suggests to wai is because the ws will almost always change their mind, at least to some degree.

And after all, this is a marriage site.
You won't get may people to agree that dating is okay before divorce (your wife did it & it was wrong but it's okay for you?).
Also, unless you have done a heck of a lot to save your marriage, you won't get much support for divorce.

[color:"purple"]DUH!!!! [/color]

She was dating and you were snooping.

You go out on a date and she snoops.

And you are bewildered?!!!!

[color:"purple"] What confuses you about this?[/color]

[color:"blue"] My 12 and 14 year olds could make better choices. [/color]

[color:"red"] You do win a prize! [/color]

why does the ws change their mind. I wish mine would change her mind before next month.

Hi BMBO,

another reason for snooping might be that she wants to prove that you're "no better" than she is. And yes, unless you have worked very hard to save your M and didn't give it up that easily, she proved just that. I'm glad your partners-to-be at least have more sense than you, and would rather wait until you are D'd.

Your partner will certainly not change her mind about the D if you keep dating. My situation is the reversed, I'm moving out, but my WH is already dating for months and I can assure you it's very disrespectful and painful - and it certainly doesn't increase my love for him <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />.

On a practical side it also doesn't help to make your W mad at you when you still have to go through a D with her. That might make things nastier than they should be.

My two cents - hold on to your pants for a few more months, and first get this D over with if the M can't be repaired. Good luck to you.

This statement above all shows why you must not date until after the D is finalized, and even then it would be wise for you to abstain for at least 6 months to a year before doing so. Stop and think about it for a minute, what if right now you cultivated a serious relationship with another woman, she falls in love with you, but shortly afterwards your WW wakes up and realizes the mistake she is making and wants desperately to reconcile with you? You are going to find yourself in very bad situation.

The best time for you to start dating and forming a serious relationship with another woman [after a divorce] is when you are not emotionally needy and are just as happy to not be in one.

TMCM

bump to the top

I understand this logic. Do you feel the same way if a person is certain they would NOT reconcile under any circumstances?

I do.
End one relationship (at least complete the divorce) before you begin another.
Also, people seem to think a divorce is somehow a "magic bullet" and all the problems go away.